End of the Road

As a soldier you learn and hone survival and defense skills in moment by moment processes. The military breaks your thought pattern and then installs this quick acting thinking of survival and defense. It’s just the way it is. You learn to compartmentalize things in order of importance and relevance. It’s handy, it’s organized and it’s protective. Personally, the soldier left in me successfully uses this thinking process quite often. When it’s time to file, you just file.

Someone told me that you cannot live a positive life with a negative attitude. They’re absolutely right. Attitude is everything in a person. No one wants to be on the receiving end of a bad attitude. It’s not fun. The hostility can be felt in words, tones and even in what’s not said. Personally, I don’t want the toxicity of this hostility aimed at me, it’s negative and unproductive. I like to have adult conversations and resolve things. So come directly to me if you have an issue!

Dawn my armour and fight the battle ahead. Forget what’s behind you, you cannot change the past, only learn from it and hope the lesson isn’t a taint on your soul. Fight forward facing and with all you got for the good of life and the world around you; all those we come in contact with we affect in some way – good or bad is up to us. Just make sure that you don’t become lost in the battle contemplating your next move.

As you readers know, those who’ve stuck by me thru the years, I got involved with a younger woman, 20 yrs. my junior, who also had a child. She and I met online and met about 3 months later, really hit it off in many ways. I fell madly in love with her and the child as well. They came here a lot, and i went there a couple of times. Everything was great. Until the little girl got sick and was hospitalized for 16 days. A lot transpired during those super stressful days. it really affected my girlfriend, and I believe it’s the underlying reason that we began to argue and now we are split up – I guess for good. She didn’t talk to me much about her feelings, I just know the basics and I asked her multiple times to work on fixing things with me, but she’s not in a place to do that. So it’s over. Sadly. I wish it wasn’t, I tried, but I lost this one.

I have been through the gamut of emotions, from anger to sadness, to remorse to more anger then acceptance. I tried for 3 weeks to get her to help me fix it…she just couldn’t see a way for some reason. I think she ends things with people when she’s exposed emotionally and can’t handle it well. It’s okay. I love her and will always remember the great times we had and I wish her well and hope she calls me in the future just to check in and tell me she’s okay or to update me about D.

I’ve been staying busy as I can. I got a new job. I’m doing volunteer hours at the animal shelter in Wells and spending time with my family and at the beach with the dogs. I’m working on painting and renovating 2 rooms in my house and it feels good.

I will miss our closeness, our connection, daily tests and her voice. She treated me great and I think she loved me as well. It’s just that I was 4ths thought…behind herself, B and D. I always knew that and adjusted to it I’m sad that this ended us and I should have flown out when the baby got sick. I will have great memories and I wish her well. She was a great girlfriend and I enjoyed every minute spent with her and D.

I’m okay. I’ll be fine. I’m past the crying and sleeplessness. I’m better today after really doing some analysis over the last two days. I realize she’s not ready to talk to me or to see me or fix anything. I hope she finds what she’s looking for to add love and adventure to her life, I hope she has the life she wants always.