There comes a point where you just gotta say WTF and throw your hands in the air and give up. When you get to the point where the point is now pointless you gotta fold that hand. I don’t know for sure, but I think I am just about there with things. Fighting my own feelings and fighting a ghost, it’s not productive.
I never like to admit defeat when it comes to something I believe in deeply, so it’s difficult to say the least. This one got me. It’s okay though, it was worth it. I regret the ending, but nothing else. I only wish I had handled it differently, but it’s too late now.
I went to my barbershop yesterday morning and got a fresh haircut. That always makes me feel a little better. Cleaning out my head from the outside in. Then I took my sweet dogs and spent a few hours at my favorite beach. It was a gorgeous day, couldn’t ask for better weather, sunshine and healing waves. Afterwards I cruised into the next city over and got a Moe’s italian sub, went down the the park on the river and had lunch. It was good to treat myself good and see all that I have here that I love.
I’m still hurting from the two holes in my heart, which I have no cure for. I am just trying to get through the days without dwelling on something I can do nothing about anymore. I’ve stopped writing about it in my journals and I am trying to just put it away. I don’t believe I will ever know what exactly happened, because I only know and understand my own experience and feelings so that’s all I have to go on. I’ll stumble my way by this, but it’s not fun, nor does it feel right. It just is as it is.
I’m not looking for sympathy or even compassion. I just want this to fade out of my thoughts. It’s a loss. Sad, but I guess it’s finalized. So I need to move on into a new space and find my way out of these woods. That’s far easier said than done I know, I just have to let it go. I’m past crying about this and asking to fix it, neither of those things did me any good at all.
I’m off to the Rochester Fair this weekend, then going apple picking on Sunday. I’m sure I will be spending part of each day at the beach trying to clean this out of my heart. I wish I could just take a shower and wash these feelings down the drain…I’m trying.