End of the Road

As a soldier you learn and hone survival and defense skills in moment by moment processes. The military breaks your thought pattern and then installs this quick acting thinking of survival and defense. It’s just the way it is. You learn to compartmentalize things in order of importance and relevance. It’s handy, it’s organized and it’s protective. Personally, the soldier left in me successfully uses this thinking process quite often. When it’s time to file, you just file.

Someone told me that you cannot live a positive life with a negative attitude. They’re absolutely right. Attitude is everything in a person. No one wants to be on the receiving end of a bad attitude. It’s not fun. The hostility can be felt in words, tones and even in what’s not said. Personally, I don’t want the toxicity of this hostility aimed at me, it’s negative and unproductive. I like to have adult conversations and resolve things. So come directly to me if you have an issue!

Dawn my armour and fight the battle ahead. Forget what’s behind you, you cannot change the past, only learn from it and hope the lesson isn’t a taint on your soul. Fight forward facing and with all you got for the good of life and the world around you; all those we come in contact with we affect in some way – good or bad is up to us. Just make sure that you don’t become lost in the battle contemplating your next move.

As you readers know, those who’ve stuck by me thru the years, I got involved with a younger woman, 20 yrs. my junior, who also had a child. She and I met online and met about 3 months later, really hit it off in many ways. I fell madly in love with her and the child as well. They came here a lot, and i went there a couple of times. Everything was great. Until the little girl got sick and was hospitalized for 16 days. A lot transpired during those super stressful days. it really affected my girlfriend, and I believe it’s the underlying reason that we began to argue and now we are split up – I guess for good. She didn’t talk to me much about her feelings, I just know the basics and I asked her multiple times to work on fixing things with me, but she’s not in a place to do that. So it’s over. Sadly. I wish it wasn’t, I tried, but I lost this one.

I have been through the gamut of emotions, from anger to sadness, to remorse to more anger then acceptance. I tried for 3 weeks to get her to help me fix it…she just couldn’t see a way for some reason. I think she ends things with people when she’s exposed emotionally and can’t handle it well. It’s okay. I love her and will always remember the great times we had and I wish her well and hope she calls me in the future just to check in and tell me she’s okay or to update me about D.

I’ve been staying busy as I can. I got a new job. I’m doing volunteer hours at the animal shelter in Wells and spending time with my family and at the beach with the dogs. I’m working on painting and renovating 2 rooms in my house and it feels good.

I will miss our closeness, our connection, daily tests and her voice. She treated me great and I think she loved me as well. It’s just that I was 4ths thought…behind herself, B and D. I always knew that and adjusted to it I’m sad that this ended us and I should have flown out when the baby got sick. I will have great memories and I wish her well. She was a great girlfriend and I enjoyed every minute spent with her and D.

I’m okay. I’ll be fine. I’m past the crying and sleeplessness. I’m better today after really doing some analysis over the last two days. I realize she’s not ready to talk to me or to see me or fix anything. I hope she finds what she’s looking for to add love and adventure to her life, I hope she has the life she wants always.

~MB

I hate giving up!

I gave it everything I had to keep us together, yet in the end I feel like I got nothing in return for those efforts. I tried communication of all sorts and I was met with silence and solid brick walls. Anyone going through that type of hostility is going to eventually give up. So I guess I’m giving up.

I still love this woman very much and I hope that she finds the happiness that she is seeking in life. I hope she finds someone that will treat her great and who will love her like I do. There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for her. And I only wanted a chance to fix this and continue what was a great relationship not so very long ago. I really don’t understand.

We all handle trauma in different ways.. Perhaps this is her way. Pushing good people out of your life is never a good idea in my opinion. And while I may have made mistakes, my love for her never wavered once and I always tried my best to be good for her and to enhance her life and her every day. I am a good Butch.

I finally had to give up because I felt so much hostility being aimed at me and I didn’t know how to get by that without some help from the other side, and she couldn’t give me that or wouldn’t. She couldn’t tell me what she wanted or what she needed. Now I feel duped. No closure.

-MB

The Invitation

(This is not by me…but I LOVE this and what it says to me.)

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

by

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Trump Takeover

Yes, it’s happened. #45 has finally done a completely illegal, constitutionally wrong, immoral thing – right in our faces – by coercing the Ukraine president for election gain. Yes, that is WRONG on any and all levels!!! It’s illegal AF. Yet, he cares NOT one iota. And he – and the GOP – are basically saying “WTF you gonna do now America?”

IF he and the GOP are allowed to get away with this flagrant violation of all laws concerning elections and proper presidential conduct (ha!) we are definitely doomed to an autocracy of very vile dimensions. He has committed the ultimate impeachable act, yet Pelosi and the Dems are STILL not moving fast enough toward ousting this criminal.

The man-boy held $250M from Ukraine (defense funding) wanting them to create a criminal scandal against his possible opponent (Biden) and the man’s son in exchange for him releasing the $250M . That is extortion at it’s finest.

This was brought to the head of intelligence’s desk via a whistle-blower complaint, where the person reporting hearing the calls and who then was “very alarmed” enough to risk his/her job and life basically for the security of the country. The law says the DNI must hand this over to Congress for full review. In this case, some idiot told the president and his vultures in the White House and they have obtained and blocked the report/complaint from making it into Pelosi’s hands and put before the eyes of Congress and us – the American people!

#45 has done tons of things already in abusing the power of his office. THIS is the most flagrant and it’s EXACTLY what he did in 2016 to steal the Presidency then!!!

He, and his vultures, know that IF he loses the 2020 election that he will be handcuffed on the podium at the next inauguration and hauled off to prison. Just like other corrupt leaders – past and present, Israel’s Netanyahu is in the same predicament currently. So he’s fighting for his freedom as well as to maintain control of America and her resources.

This is treason. WE must beat this guy like a drum in 2020 – stealing Biden’s words. Then we must be prepared to extricate him and the vultures from the White House – at all costs. This is . seriou folks, these people are about to tear up the Constitution and at that point it becomes Anarchy.

It’s time to ring Pelosi’s bells – phone, email, text, everything…start calling your Congress people and Senators. Pressure them to conduct an investigation into this whistleblower report and start the impeachment process based on that report’s contents and an investigation into the calls. It’s time to ring Pelosi’s bells – phone, email, text, everything…start calling your Congress people and Senators. Pressure them to conduct an investigation into this whistleblower report and start the impeachment process based on that report’s contents and an investigation into the calls.

The youth of the world are fighting these money-grubbers for the environment and adults should take note and also be fighting to eliminate or decapacitate these corrupt elements. Everyone involved would be better off without the evil of these kinds of innate corruption.

My 2 cents

~MB

Saturday thoughts

I now have empathy for what it’s like when someone is not there for you – even for one day – I am sitting with that feeling myself now. It’s not nice, I wish I could find the right way to repair this and move forward.

If life is really better and happier without someone you love in it then you just have to do what is best for yourself. The other has to accept that decision. No matter what. And if that is not the case it should be remedied.

I had a really good person in my life, one with her own deep struggles, who I love beyond words, despite any difficulty we ever had together. I know I’m also not always easy to be with and I have my own flaws and struggles that have made me who I am today. I try my hardest to be the best person, the best partner, the best loving and caring person I can be. Sometimes it’s just seems to not matter. Yet, I am willing to try and work at it even harder given the chance.

I am realizing that there was nothing I could have done to stop the choices made. Love is scary at times, we encounter unforeseen obstacles in life, we question the motivation of others, we doubt ourselves, we doubt what is good and right – all out of fear of love and being loved as the other is able to and wants to love us.

There comes a time when you must forgive yourself, forgive others and let things go before they destroy you or the good you have in front of you. I don’t want to continue to feel this way. I am trying hard to just be. Of course, part of me is still wanting to repair this and hopes one day soon the phone will ring.

I am also worried about the floods in Houston. I’m unaware if they affected anyone I know, I just hope they did not. I think I worry too much sometimes. I saw the horses being rescued at Cypress Creek Stables…it made me very afraid and worried. I hope all is okay there especially with those I love.

It’s a gorgeous day here, sunny and 75…perfect. I have much to do and am staying focused and calm. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and contemplating. Nothing is ever easy if it’s worth it’s salt. I’ve encountered one of those things for sure. One thing I know for sure, I miss her incredibly. Everything, I miss everything.

Have a great day!

~MB

Beach Time

There comes a point where you just gotta say WTF and throw your hands in the air and give up. When you get to the point where the point is now pointless you gotta fold that hand. I don’t know for sure, but I think I am just about there with things. Fighting my own feelings and fighting a ghost, it’s not productive.

I never like to admit defeat when it comes to something I believe in deeply, so it’s difficult to say the least. This one got me. It’s okay though, it was worth it. I regret the ending, but nothing else. I only wish I had handled it differently, but it’s too late now.

I went to my barbershop yesterday morning and got a fresh haircut. That always makes me feel a little better. Cleaning out my head from the outside in. Then I took my sweet dogs and spent a few hours at my favorite beach. It was a gorgeous day, couldn’t ask for better weather, sunshine and healing waves. Afterwards I cruised into the next city over and got a Moe’s italian sub, went down the the park on the river and had lunch. It was good to treat myself good and see all that I have here that I love.

I’m still hurting from the two holes in my heart, which I have no cure for. I am just trying to get through the days without dwelling on something I can do nothing about anymore. I’ve stopped writing about it in my journals and I am trying to just put it away. I don’t believe I will ever know what exactly happened, because I only know and understand my own experience and feelings so that’s all I have to go on. I’ll stumble my way by this, but it’s not fun, nor does it feel right. It just is as it is.

I’m not looking for sympathy or even compassion. I just want this to fade out of my thoughts. It’s a loss. Sad, but I guess it’s finalized. So I need to move on into a new space and find my way out of these woods. That’s far easier said than done I know, I just have to let it go. I’m past crying about this and asking to fix it, neither of those things did me any good at all.

I’m off to the Rochester Fair this weekend, then going apple picking on Sunday. I’m sure I will be spending part of each day at the beach trying to clean this out of my heart. I wish I could just take a shower and wash these feelings down the drain…I’m trying.

~MB

OFOS Butch-femme Dynamic

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Loved this blog!!! https://persistentlyfem.wordpress.com/2017/07/04/old-fashioned-old-school/.