Some days…

Ever have one of those days where feel like you just can’t do anything right….well I am having one of those kinds of nights.

Sometimes I think in my head things then they just come out of my mouth without me thinking. There are certain people that I think I can do that will, Being totally honest and raw, but then sometimes you gotta wonder if you have to self-censor more frequently.

A may not be that great at always saying exactly the right and perfect thing but I give it a hell of a try. I like to know what’s happening with people who are closest and most important to me. And being a Butch sometimes my reaction may be off if I’m expecting something that doesn’t happen – especially in the moment. I think Butches have expectations of people that may be a bit more than the average person. This is particular true in relationships in the Butch-femme way. We expect just a little more than usual; it’s part of the agree dynamic.

I have changed over the years and I no longer have time for anger to steal from me. It feels like such a useless and non productive emotion; I am sure it has a purpose somewhere in human psychology. But I don’t like to be angry and I don’t like to deal with anger from someone else. If they can’t explain themselves without being angry or hostile then I’ll just wait until the anger subsides and hope that a conversation of understanding can happen. Maybe I’m a fool.

I have rules in my life that I try to live by; a little set of previously unwritten guidelines. Tonight I swallow my pride and break a cardinal rule.

I have my Calm app running, listening to the waves crashing on the shore- which makes me remember how angry the sea can turn, and I jacked a couple of sleeping pills and dabbed a bit. It’s worked to calm my nerves, but not my heart.

Tomorrow is another day. We wake up and hope it’s a better one.

Peace. – MB

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