Greetings readers! I have been struggling mightily with writing lately. I realize that it’s a cumulative fear of everything right now, from exposure to anti-Butch backlash, to a building real fear of living as an out Lesbian – especially a very visible Butch lesbian – in the current political and social climate that is developing around us. And I feel my kind is being pushed very hard to return to the closets; to shut the fuck up and behave like girls are taught to do from the get-go. I’m not that girl. I am sick of living in the shadows. Sick of feeling shame for who I am. Sick of being told I am “too Butch” or
“not feminine” enough. Fuck all that noise
I am a proud Butch lesbian. I am not queer, MOC, mainstream or a girly-girl. I am a lesbian, in the truest sense of the word. I have sexual relations ONLY with women. I do NOT EVER have sex with a man, period. Yup, full on label. Butch Lesbian, and proud. For some fucked up reason this is not currently the acceptable way to label oneself in today’s world. Even within my own LGBT community the word “lesbian” is often avoided, replaced by more mainstream acceptable wording and outright shunned; not used and even sometimes changed in interviews to dumb it down for those who the word seems to offend.
Often times those offended are the other women who sleep with women but who do not identify as lesbians, instead choosing words like “queer” “gender variant” “Masculine of center (MOC)”, etc. Because for some weird ass reason the word “lesbian” is threatening to them and the men around them. Mainstream wants women who are deemed “pliable” who “could” perhaps also sleep with men, making them somehow more attractive. By calling yourself a lesbian you are inserting the “no way do I sleep with men” silently into the sentence and that is just not jiving with how they wish the world to view us. It’s a direct threat to men – even gay men – and thus we are sadly silenced. We are undergoing a sort of “erasure” even, painfully, from within our own supposed community.
For the record, let me interject right here and right now – so I am absolutely clear: I do NOT wish to BE a man! Some out there seem to erroneously think that Butch lesbians are just pre-transmen, practicing to become a man. This is NOT true. We are lesbians, not men! Not male “wannabes” or “confused” at all – it’s those saying those things to us that are fucking confused!!! I have NO confusion about who I am and the way I present to the world, no confusion at all.
I’ve been amused watching a big blow up on a Facebook group page that I follow. Guess someone made some seriously anti-trans comments and all hell broke loose. I kept my comments on it to myself, but I have to say here that I don’t dig the anti-trans sentiment that simmers just barely below the surface of the mainstream lesbian community. As such a very visible Butch; a very masculine of center individual, with the issues I deal with I can completely sympathize with my trans brothers and their disdain for all this trans-phobia going on online. It’s fucking ridiculous. People gender policing others is not right in any way. Just let people be. Mind your own business and let others attend to theirs peacefully.
Peace ~ MB