Alone

I’m pretty much a loner in life.  I live alone, deal with life by myself day by day and it’s okay.  I have a great woman in my life who visits me periodically, which is nice, but still I’m alone in the end as she returns to her people and regular life. This IS my regular life. It’s best this way. No one seems to be able to handle the whole of me. Just too much; too involved. Too scary.

I am a very deep thinker. I stay well versed in world events, issues that concern me and lots of other things I find interesting. Sometimes I am too affected by things. I am too sensitive. Yet, some say not sensitive enough in the right ways. Butch curse. When I show emotion it’s weakness or construed as negativity, and when I do not show it right it’s ignorance.

Some days the loneliness of just physically being alone in life gets to me. I feel it in my heart. No one to talk to except the computer or my dogs. No one to notice or understand my sadness or even my happiness. No one to tell me it’s going to be okay eventually.

I’m searching for a way to not feel this way. For a way to just accept things at face value and not want more. It’s hard though, to just cut yourself off and say that’s all there is, very hard. It’s human nature to gravitate toward what one wants. So, doing this goes against my very core nature. I must stop looking or waiting for something that is not there.

So what do I seek in the end? The company of someone who wants me as I am. I want tenderness when I’m down, not a suggestion that I am somehow in the wrong. Someone who cares as much about my feelings and what’s happening in my world as I would about theirs. I want to be there for someone, and have them there for me.

I have a lot of trouble expressing exactly what Is wrong when I am feeling down. Usually because I don’t want to be a bother or to bring negativity to anyone else, and sometimes just because I don’t have the words to put it into understandable context. So, I have found it easier and safer keep to myself. I’ve created this loneliness. I’m King of my own castle. And here I will stay. Alone.

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5 Comments

  1. I relate to you so much. I’m on YT, but wish I had a dog! I just can’t own one right now due to my living situation. You’re welcome to subscribe.

    Also, I once opened up (by text) to a so called friend in the past. She made me feel worse for speaking up. That’s when her true character showed and she soon ditched me like a sack of potatoes. I lost faith in people for a long time after that.

  2. i’m sorry you are feeling this way. The human brain is created to crave social connectedness. Not having enough or the right kind is a part of the human condition where i think butches just have a harder time than anyone. You aren’t socialized female exactly but are also deprived of the kind of bonding men experience. i think its what makes the Butch/femme dynamic so vibrant IF we can understand what you are going through. That means you guys have to give us enough information to be able to empathize, unless touch is your primary love language and we can just hold you for a change. This blog is a great way to learn how to name what you are feeling and needing in a way that works for you. In the meantime, i hope you find whatever soothes you right now because a sense of restlessness and soul weary confusion can definitely make you want to use. Or eat. In the long run, that just makes the lycan feelings last longer, if a bit duller for a moment. What can you do right now to feel comfortable? cozy? safe? ❤

  3. (well that’s what I get for trying to format my writing – accidentally sent it instead. hehheh) Starting again.

    Greetings MainelyButch,

    I have to say as I was reading your poignant, vulnerable and beautiful words, each word resonated deeply within my reality as well. I thank you, MainelyButch, for your courageously honest sharing of your truth.

    I was brought up (i.e., programmed) to be solitary. Very limited exposure to social activities (my Father, may he rest in peace and Bless his Spirit anyway, was quite insecure with his children) left me with minimal social skills.

    Like you so perfectly explained, I regard myself in the “too much” perspective. Ever having to “tone it down” for everyone else’s freakin’ benefit.

    I learned in childhood to create my own company through my story-writings and much of my childhood was spent psychologically checked-out/not present. And, to be honest, my story-writing has been my most reliable friend over the course of my fifty-three years on this Earth.

    Although I too very much appreciate my solitary life, this precious Haus I share with my Pups, Fishes and Birds, there is that sense of aloneness to contend with.

    Interestingly enough I typically feel alone only when I am around others. On my own, in my lil Haus, I’m okay. I keep myself company and have this wonderful creation of the internet to provide nearly any variety of distraction my mind would enjoy. Plus I have my learning of amazing and beautiful Spotted Hyenas.

    But in the world beyond my little space of home, there is a large sense of aloneness. I realized the other day what I have been looking for most of my life isn’t a romantic partner at all. I’ve been searching for my “Brother.” But, as far as I can see, there is no Brother out there for me.

    Still, as I read your words, MainelyButch, I am struck with an odd kind of gladness in realizing, “Hey! There is someone else out there that gets it, after all!”

    However, that sensation is very fleeting for I have a sense of the difficult feelings you are describing and this world can be ruthlessly hard and cold.

    So, MainelyButch, although I am quite the solitary creature, I am going to offer to you my Skype address (you’ll have to email me or inbox me here on WordPress so that connection can be set up). It’s up to you to take up the offer or not. And, if you do, I will do my best to be there whenever I can. But whether you take up the offer or not, know that I am out here in the Netverse hearing and relating to your words.

    Meanwhile, please know that not only are you not alone but you are appreciated and respected for you as you are.

    Blessed Be.
    Cap’n Toni with my Coco and Maya Pups and All the Animal-Kids of the lil Haus….

  4. “I’ve created this loneliness.” There is a lot of honest reflection in that. I’m hoping that you reach out when it overwhelms you. Alone is not the same as lonely. You don’t have to have both. Hugs, girl. WWA

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