I have been doing a LOT of thinking lately; deep thinking, light thinking, silly stuff, and just plain random shit runs through my mind in a constant flow of factoids and ponderings. Most of it has been the result of changing anti-depressant medication. Whoa…I didn’t know it would be this rough! My dreams have been off-the-charts wild as fuck.
Every day is not rainbows, I know. Some days just suck, but we struggle through them toward that time when we lay our heads down at night, close our eyes and hope tomorrow is even a tiny bit better. We use the resources available to us and we figure it out somehow. That’s being human. That’s just part of being alive and living life.
I can be a little complex at times. I have walked a few different trails in my life and of course, I am the sum of those experiences. What happens to us sometimes defines us in very specific ways. I have been thinking about that a lot the last couple of weeks. Who I am and why I am, crazy shit like that.
My girl is long distance, which has its own set of fucked up challenges. I miss her all the time, but this is how it works for us. It’s not perfect, but I love her and don’t want to stop. She’ll be here for 4 days in a month, I’m so in need of her visit! Being with her just makes me feel so much better; relaxed and happy. It’s very hard not being able to be there for her when she might need me. I can only do so much over the phone, Skype and text…which frustrates the fuck outta me at times.
She works so hard and is managing her daughter with special needs getting to and from school, daycare, feedings, etc…it’s all a LOT for her. She has some help there, I know, but I still wish like hell I could be there. I naturally worry about HER health and well-being during all that goes on in her days. I encourage her to eat and take care of herself, but the stress on her is pretty formidable right now and I feel the tension in her voice.
There are moments when I wonder if managing a relationship with me doesn’t just make things that much harder for her. But I know that we love each other and I couldn’t – or won’t – stop now. I’ve committed myself to her and will just continue to try to bring good things to her life; make memorable contributions as I can.
Sure, I have my insecurities and I tend to over-think sometimes. She is very into the “in the moment” mind space. Sometimes that throws me a bit. I like to think forward a little. And being a writer and a lover of words, I sometimes either read or interpret their meanings incorrectly. It has caused me a bit of angst on more than one occasion, and we’ve dealt with it.
Sometimes I’m afraid of loving her so much. Sometimes I feel a little in the way. I love her so deeply and really try to keep things calm and focused for her. The less drama on my end the better, so I stay very chill and think things through.
I’m starting to ramble; my head is so full of stuff lately, and the med changes aren’t helping me much. Today I was on the verge of tears for a couple of hours after having a negative experience at the pharmacy and with my prescriptions. It aggravated me so much I drove angrily home with tears in the corners of my eyes. I hate feeling that way. Maybe it IS easier just not to feel at all.