The Aftermath

TimeOnlyPasses

Summer of 2018 will go down in my memory banks as one of the BEST ever, I am sure!  And the best part so far has been the extended visit of my girlfriend and her daughter.  They spent about 24 days with me…and it was so awesome that I can’t even find the words to exclaim my exuberance  I was feeling over the whole time they spent here with me.  There is just something about having the woman I love so deeply right here with me.

Taking them to Boston’s Logan Airport last Thursday was a bitch.  I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t get upset, but before I even made it to the interstate highway I started to choke up and tears came to my eyes.  I told her I didn’t want to take them to the airport, but I knew that I had to do it.  They have a life and people in Texas that the two of them needed to return to and my time was over.  It sucked, but it had to happen.

She’s been gone a number of days now and I miss her badly.  I admit it, I’m a fucking sap.  I’m trying very hard to keep my game face on and drive forward.   It’s a good thing that I am adept at compartmentalizing my life because I need to keep this in the right perspective.  While I wish that she were here with me, I know that’s not a possibility because of her home and professional life back there in Texas.  Sure, if she lived closer to me it would be easier, but easy isn’t always convenient when we need it to be.

Long distance relationships are hard as fuck.  And this particular relationship has a couple of other slightly challenging angles to it as well, but my intense love for her makes me determined to try to keep this together; to continue to see her as much as we can manage, while trying hard not look too deeply into the future.  You never really know what will happen down the proverbial road.  While it is hard sometimes not to wish into the future, it is more realistic to stay in the present.

 

I’ve been slowly reorganizing my house.  Put the antique highchair away, out of my sight so I don’t see it and think of little Bean’s face and her infectious giggles.

I slept the first 3 nights after my girl left on my living room couch, being in denial I chose to avoid my bed and the memories it silently held.

Yesterday I cleaned my car out and while vacuuming the back seat one of Bean’s red plastic balls rolled out to say hello.  And her wipies were in the way-back area…little subtle reminders of some very wonderful days and a super sweet little girl.

Doing laundry I spotted a tiny sock…then found some of my girls clothes in the dresser where I usually store the dog’s bath towels.  Sigh.  The clothes even faintly held her scent.

There’s one helping of blueberry cobbler left in the fridge that I’m reluctant to eat because I know it’s the last thing she made for me.  I just want to open the fridge and remember her delight in making something for me that I love so much.  I’ll have to finish it today, or it will become a science project in the near future.  And I don’t want that!

So, yeah, I miss her wicked, wicked bad.  I haven’t let myself cry about it or get overly emotional.  I keep trying to just stay in a neutral space in my head.  Don’t over think it.  Easier said than done, but at least I’m giving it the good ole Butch try!  I can’t always control what my heart feels, but I can choose how I am going to deal with it.  I’m still figuring that out right now – the dealing with it part that is – so stay tuned.

———

In other rather mundane news of my life…the dogs are doing great. They were stellar little souls while my visitors were here.  I am pretty proud of them.  Lulu is growing up and maturing quite nicely.  She finally gets it when she’s outside and I tell her to “go to the house,” she runs right up the porch stairs and to the door.  She’s about 75% responsive at this point; it’s a work in progress for sure.  Nola, of course, is VERY well trained and generally knows what I am going to tell her before I even speak.  She’s intuitive as fuck.

I got the house all nice and clean this morning, I just need to wash floors and it will be completely done…for another few days.  It’s a bitch keeping up with it sometimes, but I do like a clean and functional living space.  I can be a little neurotic about it sometimes, but generally, my mantra is “clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy.”  And that’s basically how it works out.  But today I even washed the covers to the dog’s stair units and some rugs.  It’s always something and never really feels “done”.

I took the last week that my girl was here off from work.  Started back last Friday and it’s nice to see everyone again.  That job keeps me on track.  Without it I would have endless time on my hands that I don’t need to have!  It’s not my long-term plan to stay with that job, but for now, it’s working to my advantage and it’s good for me – gets my ass up in the morning and makes me think.

I named the marijuana plant I am growing Hilda.  It’s doing magnificently.  I’ve been taking photos of Hilda daily, marking her progress to maturity.  I am thinking I may print a chronology out and make her a book…my first grown since I was a young hoodlum.

It’s been a lot of fun watching the plants grow.  There are actually 2 of them.  But Hilda has really gone crazy with growing!  I haven’t done anything special, just put them into my veggie garden after fertilizing it with cow manure compost earlier this Spring.  They looked pretty pathetic for a couple of weeks and then the magic started to happen.  It seemed they were sprouting new leaves and gaining in height and width daily!  Here she is yesterday…

2018-08-19 21.57.28

She’s just started getting her silvery hairs near the tops where the buds will soon begin to form.  I have a buddy who’s going to come by and give me some pointers and help with cloning 12 plants from this one, plus will also walk me through the next couple of months of the process, including cutting the buds and processing the plant.  I’m fucking excited as hell!

I hope all of you, my dear readers, are having just as fantastic of a summer as I am having!  Fall is coming soon, my girl visits again in October – sans child this visit – and I’m looking forward to that very much.  It just feels so right when she’s here with me; by my side and in my every day.

Peace.  ~  MB

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4 Comments

  1. So glad for you! Dreams are meant to come true, and I can’t think of a more deserving person!

    Cheers!

    Dee McLaughlin

  2. you know, even Butch’s do cry now and then, no worries it won;t turn you girly girl lol, just keep yourself busy and be sure to talk to her often, and your little princess bean too 🙂 that should help you fight off the blues a bit… and stay off the damn tv!! no news for you! lol you need to invest 20 bucks or so and go to an online shopping site and get yourself the classic nintendo game machine so when you just wanna kick back n cuddle your pups you’re focused on getting your ass kicked by mario and not losing your shit cuz you are missing your lady … fall is coming so how about nature walks? thats a great stress/ missing someone reliever, reconnecting with the earth is always a good thing, good for your heart and soul, plus you may discover a secret spot to take your lady.

    if I wasn’t so busy I’d annoy you more often via chat just to keep you from driving yourself nuts, I have no clue who your lady is but I sure like her, the whole stress free happy mood of yours is amazing, and I really love her for bringing that out in you:) it suits you very well, she is amazing for sure, she tamed you in a quick hurry lol 😉

  3. Keep smiling ang I bet she misses you just as much , plus when you miss someone that much you know they’re a keeper.

  4. I’m so happy for you. Be careful with all the compartmentalizations, please. I know it is the Butch way to survive but the only way to feel everything is to just lean into it. Blocking pain also blocks joy. I suspect you can find a way to have your little family closer in due time. When there is a will, we find a way

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