It’s All in the Cards

Leaning in the doorway, having my morning wake-up smoke, I watched as Nola scrounges around the front yard; first checking the chipmunk’s front door – which is a hole in a stump in my front yard…I call it the chipmunk “fairy hole” – as she goes into a full on “rodent rage.” Rodent Rage is when her whole body tenses, head lowers, eyes fixed and dialated …as she lowers her hind end a half-inch and jettisons herself forward with all the fire and fury one little Chiweenie dog could muster! Chipmunks are VERY fast and it escapes easily, but now here adrenaline is pumping. It’s basically become our morning ritual since I go to smoke out on the front porch mornings.

I was recently asked “What’s your number?” while in the conversation of sex and women. You know I gulped hard, every fiber in my neck became tight…fuck. I am deathly afraid of this particular question. This is, of course, referring to what my number of women I have been with is. I don’t even like to think about my years as a shooting star Butch, wooing and wrangling the young ladies of my day. My flame burned steadily until I was around 30…ya know, the old “chapters and moments” thing, from my previous blogs. Life happens in chapters, when I turned 30 it was the beginning of chapter 3. (I’m still astounded by how fucking TRUE this has panned out to be!)

So..numbers. I don’t keep them, never was one for putting the notches in the belt or bedpost. But I once sat and thought about exactly this “number” thing and I took out pen and parchment and began a list. Try it. It’s definitely NOT cathartic. Seems I’ve steadily racked up membership cards in 7 catagories, and been chosen for rewards cards by 4.

I got my Butch card pretty early. Growing up as a tomboy and wishing like fuck that I could pee standing up. Until I was in 2nd grade I had to wear my hair long…the summer I was allowed to cut it was blissful. I’d come one step closer to feeling like my authentic self.

Mile High card can be one of the earliest specialty cards I got. At 18 I flew from Newark to Frankfort Germany…young and thrill seeking I might add. This particular card can take you places. (couldn’t help the pun!) and can be used repeatedly throughout your entire life. Physical prowess and brittle bones

The good ole hot tub card – with that one you get a sticker for skinny dipping after midnight.

The Back Seat card with several punches for beachside action. A particular favorite of mine. I have the optional lifeguard tower rider. Low tide is best, bug free nights are highly recommended. And bring water.

The Parents’ House card can be on the more difficult side to obtain. It’s a scary one. Parent’s are always a sensitive, navigation specific type of approach. And you get bonus points for doing the deed during day-light hours when everyone in the house is awake and possibly moving around. There are also times when you just can’t cash in on this one…with some it’s a hard No. But then it becomes a game to tease and provoke.

First Girl Kiss Card is a difficult one to set up initially because Butches LOVE the sleepover idea, yet dysphoric fear can hold one in it’s grip. Usually obtained by accident when you’re a kid. Yeah, teenage kids have fun on occasion – far more frequently than most parents believe. The ideal scenario for me when I was growing up and engaged with other girls was that I was always the boy in any game played, house, cowboys, kings and queens, etc. And my playmate would be the damsel in distress. Worked like a charm for getting to kiss girls. This card could even get you nominated for a Sleepover rewards card. Warning: Do not punch this too many times with the same playmate.

Elevator cards are more for city folk. But if you’re travelling anyplace that has elevators – Vegas comes to mind rather quickly – you should get this one for the hell of it.

Rewards cards, just to get a discount usually. Generally the benefits of each o these far outweigh the cost of getting some of them. You will highly benefit form any one of these, and multiple can give you Butch booster points for sure.

  • Military Service
  • Mechanical Aptitude
  • Fishing – hook baiting rider
  • Pick up truck
  • Motorcycle
  • Leather / lace. You know who you are.
  • Cool Toys

I had a lot of fun thinking about this. My brain goes to the strangest thoughts at times. Never know what’s next. I love fun and joker type of stuff.

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