Sex. Women. Relationships

Sex.  It’s so simple, yet so fucking complicated.  I’m going to admit something very personal here…I haven’t had sex in 2 ½ years…since just after my chest surgery, with “DG” a woman who I cared a lot for from up in Maine. Yes. Truth.  Some of you may recall my musings about her a few years back.  I fell for her, but she was far too busy and had too much going on in her life to include any time with me.  Thus, we went our separate ways.

Why? You ask.  Well, there are several reasons.  Most of which are just excuses.

I honestly would rather be alone than to have a meaningless sexual encounter with anyone.  Being alone isn’t bad; I treat myself good and I can take care of my own needs if necessary.

I’m rather picky.  I know what I like, and I don’t tend to vary from those likes very much.  I enjoy very femme women, and those with smarts, sass, and good attitudes.  I like a woman who will make time for me and not make me beg for it.  And I give the same in return.

Over these last few years, I have met a couple of very nice women.  I’ve chatted with them; talked for hours and made some semi-connections.  But, until recently, I hadn’t met anyone who I wanted to give my time and attention to solely.

My life can be a bit complicated in some ways.  The living with HIV doesn’t make it easy – or comfortable – to meet women. I’m always conscious that at some point I must tell any prospective lover that I have HIV.  I’m very careful, and I’m undetectable which makes me pretty much unable to give the virus to anyone sexually – even without protection.  But, still, it’s an uncomfortable complication for me.  I would never be able to live with myself if I infected another person.

Then there is my being in recovery…another piece of stupid baggage I haul around and have to explain and hope for understanding.

I watched a Ted Talk tonight about sexless marriages.  I had that experience in my 14 yr LTR.  In the beginning, it was great, we had a LOT of great sex, but over the years things waned and it became like a blue moon – occurring seldom.  I got really frustrated with that and stepped out of that relationship, eventually ending it.  Sex IS an important part of any intimate relationship.  I’ve always said that when the sex is good, the relationship is great.  But when the sex isn’t there, the relationship is on the skids.  It’s a very good barometer of how healthy the overall relationship actually is.  I stand by that philosophy.

It also seems that the women that I get myself involved with are also a bit complicated.  I’m definitely seeing a pattern in that aspect.   DG had her husband, kids, high powered job and brutal travel schedule…of course she had no time for me.  Spanish chick was just too weird.  I can’t even explain that one; just too young, too inexperienced and too flighty. And Kat, well let’s just say she changed teams, and I wasn’t down with that – too bad cuz we lost a good 9-year friendship in the process.

Now I’ve been becoming involved with a woman who I am absolutely insanely crazy about.  She’s awesome, but has her own complications – but nothing that I am not willing to work around, believe me.

I just turned 56.  I’m getting too old to be chasing after women.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  What I really want right now is to continue to develop a good relationship with  – let’s call her “Bones” – she’s weaseled her way deep into my heart and now I don’t want to let go.  I’m not positive that I am doing the right thing, but I am positive that I want to be doing it.  Bones has a way of just being herself and being awesome.  I know I could fall in love with her, but that would just make things even messier for both of us I think.  But how do I keep myself from letting that happen?  I have no clue.  And it may be too late.

I never intended for this to happen.  I didn’t go “looking” for anything.  Things just fell into place and we fell into each other’s lives and it’s been really a great experience.  I’m glad it happened.

So, tonight I am laying here contemplating all that is going on in my life.  Everything is going really well, and I am happy.  I just don’t want to fuck this up.  Or hurt anyone in the process.

She’ll be here to visit with me in 17 days…and I’m counting down the minutes.

That’s another thing about her that is so different…she is making this huge effort to come and spend time with me.  That’s something that means a lot to me.  If she hadn’t been able to come here I am sure I would be going there.  We want to see each other; to spend time together and to see where this goes together.  It means the world to me that she’s going to be here with me for a few days.  I am excited about it, although a bit anxious too. But that’s normal I think.

So, there’s a personal peek into my life for ya.

Peace.  ~MB

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6 thoughts on “Sex. Women. Relationships

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  1. I agree. Sex is a huge thing. I have had a few one night stands. And they have been less than satisfying. I was even married once and in my opinion I never should’ve gotten married. I was 29 and I wasn’t in love. And now that I realize that my first love wants me but doesn’t, everything else seems trivial. I try to be strong but inside its tearing me apart and I am in tears writing this…. Any tips?

    1. I’ve discovered that in “love” you cannot go backwards. Once it’s over, it’s over. There’s always that little flame burning for a first love perhaps, but if you try to go back it WILL NOT be the same as it was. You have both grown, and changed. Time has passed; the world has moved on…and it’s time for both of you to move on as well.
      You say “she wants me, but doesn’t” — she’s playing games with you. Manipulation is a very sick game. Don’t let her do that to you. She doesn’t want “you” she’s just intrigued by the “idea” that she “could possibly” have you because you’re just “that in love” with her. If she really “wants” you then she would be there, not lollygagging and stringing you along.
      Don’t fall for this deception. You need to be strong, and move on. Put some distance between the two of you; no texting, messaging, emails or stalking each other’s facebook or Instagram pages. Just quit her.
      We love various people along the way in life. At the time we are with them, that’s EXACTLY where we WANT to be, so there we are. Once it’s over, your next chapter will begin – but you have to leave the past in the past.
      Hope this helps you a bit. Rock on. ~MB

      1. So true. This really speaks to me, too. I wasn’t IN love with her, but my ex was in love with me so much that ‘she didn’t know how to handle it’ so she just left. My abandonment issues resurfaced and it was too late when she got back to me months later by text. I was at my lowest by then. She said she’d do anything to have me back in her life and you know what – it didn’t happen. She said she couldn’t explain her actions or behavior because she ‘didn’t know why’, but is ‘working through it with her psychologist to change things and it’ll take time.’ I know she has mental health issues that I didn’t understand and apparently she tried to kill herself when she wasn’t in contact. I think she only chose what she wanted me to see to protect me and have a sense of control. I’m glad in a way that we weren’t together as it would of been stifling and hindered my growth. I miss her and I know she misses me a lot. If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t had sex for 4 and a half years. Lol. Yeah, with her.

  2. Funny, I hadn’t read your blog in a really long time but timed it perfectly, I think. You know me…quite well actually. I’m so happy to hear that you are doing well and finding love. You have been on my mind these past two-and-a-half years as I have quietly followed your journey. Life is funny and complicated but always works out the way it is supposed to. The people who cross our paths touch our lives forever –as you did mine. Be well, Ang.

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