Sex. It’s so simple, yet so fucking complicated. I’m going to admit something very personal here…I haven’t had sex in 2 ½ years…since just after my chest surgery, with “DG” a woman who I cared a lot for from up in Maine. Yes. Truth. Some of you may recall my musings about her a few years back. I fell for her, but she was far too busy and had too much going on in her life to include any time with me. Thus, we went our separate ways.
Why? You ask. Well, there are several reasons. Most of which are just excuses.
I honestly would rather be alone than to have a meaningless sexual encounter with anyone. Being alone isn’t bad; I treat myself good and I can take care of my own needs if necessary.
I’m rather picky. I know what I like, and I don’t tend to vary from those likes very much. I enjoy very femme women, and those with smarts, sass, and good attitudes. I like a woman who will make time for me and not make me beg for it. And I give the same in return.
Over these last few years, I have met a couple of very nice women. I’ve chatted with them; talked for hours and made some semi-connections. But, until recently, I hadn’t met anyone who I wanted to give my time and attention to solely.
My life can be a bit complicated in some ways. The living with HIV doesn’t make it easy – or comfortable – to meet women. I’m always conscious that at some point I must tell any prospective lover that I have HIV. I’m very careful, and I’m undetectable which makes me pretty much unable to give the virus to anyone sexually – even without protection. But, still, it’s an uncomfortable complication for me. I would never be able to live with myself if I infected another person.
Then there is my being in recovery…another piece of stupid baggage I haul around and have to explain and hope for understanding.
I watched a Ted Talk tonight about sexless marriages. I had that experience in my 14 yr LTR. In the beginning, it was great, we had a LOT of great sex, but over the years things waned and it became like a blue moon – occurring seldom. I got really frustrated with that and stepped out of that relationship, eventually ending it. Sex IS an important part of any intimate relationship. I’ve always said that when the sex is good, the relationship is great. But when the sex isn’t there, the relationship is on the skids. It’s a very good barometer of how healthy the overall relationship actually is. I stand by that philosophy.
It also seems that the women that I get myself involved with are also a bit complicated. I’m definitely seeing a pattern in that aspect. DG had her husband, kids, high powered job and brutal travel schedule…of course she had no time for me. Spanish chick was just too weird. I can’t even explain that one; just too young, too inexperienced and too flighty. And Kat, well let’s just say she changed teams, and I wasn’t down with that – too bad cuz we lost a good 9-year friendship in the process.
Now I’ve been becoming involved with a woman who I am absolutely insanely crazy about. She’s awesome, but has her own complications – but nothing that I am not willing to work around, believe me.
I just turned 56. I’m getting too old to be chasing after women. I don’t want to do it anymore. What I really want right now is to continue to develop a good relationship with – let’s call her “Bones” – she’s weaseled her way deep into my heart and now I don’t want to let go. I’m not positive that I am doing the right thing, but I am positive that I want to be doing it. Bones has a way of just being herself and being awesome. I know I could fall in love with her, but that would just make things even messier for both of us I think. But how do I keep myself from letting that happen? I have no clue. And it may be too late.
I never intended for this to happen. I didn’t go “looking” for anything. Things just fell into place and we fell into each other’s lives and it’s been really a great experience. I’m glad it happened.
So, tonight I am laying here contemplating all that is going on in my life. Everything is going really well, and I am happy. I just don’t want to fuck this up. Or hurt anyone in the process.
She’ll be here to visit with me in 17 days…and I’m counting down the minutes.
That’s another thing about her that is so different…she is making this huge effort to come and spend time with me. That’s something that means a lot to me. If she hadn’t been able to come here I am sure I would be going there. We want to see each other; to spend time together and to see where this goes together. It means the world to me that she’s going to be here with me for a few days. I am excited about it, although a bit anxious too. But that’s normal I think.
So, there’s a personal peek into my life for ya.
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