Life Just Got Very Real….

Whew.  I’m finally settled down enough to get a few words out on this blog.  My life has been one fucking crisis after another for the past 2 weeks.  First it was the drunken bum I had to take out the restraining order on last week and all my anxiety and angst over that whole ordeal, then this week I got myself into a heap of trouble with the judicial system.

Yes, I almost had a major relapse.  Addiction is a mother fucker. The opioid crisis is real.

It hits you when you are the most vulnerable.  I let my old coping mechanism take over briefly, I reached for the drug…the worst think I could have done while I was so stressed out over the happenings at home.  But…the law stepped in before I could use it and I found myself in violation of bail conditions and sitting in the county lock-up for 2 1/2 days before someone could raise the $1000 bail and get me out.  I’m totally ashamed of myself, but I think that things sometimes happen to you for a reason, and I think the cosmos designed this one to kick me in the ass and tell me to wake the fuck up and work my program harder!

I had been so busy tending to the ordeal with the drunk and getting my stuff back that I was not going to my group meeting or taking my Suboxone as I should have been doing.  The combination of the stress, anxiety, fear and then the lack of preventative Suboxone, and lack of necessary therapy put me in a place where somehow I thought it would be a nice idea to “escape” for a bit and do a little dope to relax me.  How fucking wrong is that!!?  That is the thinking of a raging addict.  That is the kind of thinking I MUST learn to change and stop listening to.  It’s like that little devil on one shoulder whispering in my ear, “just a little won’t hurt”….I cannot listen to him, he must be silenced!

All of this just days before hitting the 1 year mark of kicking my bad habit.  I swear, I could fuck up a wet dream sometimes.  It’s just not right.

I got to say though that sitting in a cell for 50-odd hours gave me plenty of time to think.  Mostly about why I didn’t want to be in that exact situation that I was in!  I am too damned old to be cuffed and stuffed!  It was a very vivid wake up call.  And now that I am fully AWAKE, I have to walk a VERY tight line or I’ll be using the prison system mail delivery for future blog posts.  That would truly SUCK.

THOUGHTS

I am fiercely happy to be free.  I’m trying now to put everything into perspective and to figure out how to amend this infraction.  The legality of it all is one thing, I have to deal with that over some time, court isn’t until January – actually my dispositional hearing is on my birthday – great huh?  I’ve emailed my attorney about the violation and the new charge (possession) and I’m sure she’ll guide me through the legal process of it all and I have to live by some very strict rules.  I signed a contract with Maine Pre-Trial Supervision.  Basically, I have to live a squeaky clean life or I go back to that hell hole called Cumberland County Jail, losing my freedom and losing ALL that I have worked so damned hard to have in my life.  That would devastate not only me, but my family, my dogs, my best friend and my girl.  So, that is NOT an option.  Squeaky clean I will be!

The personal and emotional angle of this happening is more difficult to “see” but let me tell you, it’s not pretty inside my head right now.  I feel like a bad boi who needs a good beating at the moment.  I knew better than to try what I tried, to try to dabble with the drugs again.  I knew better.  But I let the devil on my shoulder get his way momentarily, and it almost cost me everything.  That’s really scary for me.  Petrifying.  I don’t want to lose everything I have worked so hard for, even though material things can be replaced, it would really suck bad to have to start over again.  I do NOT want to go through that.

I am angry with myself for letting my Mom down.  She’s really helped me in getting clean and staying clean.  She’s believed in me, and supported me.  And I let her down.  I seriously breached her trust, and I know it.  THAT just wrecks me inside.  I cried more about that aspect of this stupid mistake than about anything else while I was in that concrete cell.  All I could think of was how my Mom was going to take this news.  I never want to hurt her, and I swore I wouldn’t do it again.  Then this happens.  So, I feel like a total failure with her.  That’s the most important thing for me to repair out of all of this mess.  I don’t want her to think that I’ve been lying to her and been using, because I haven’t!  I’ve been very good this past year.  I thought I had put this shit behind me, but then I let my guard down and addiction reared it’s ugly head.  I hate what this stupid disease does to those we love.

“We are all just one shot away from a hot shot”….someone said that to me tonight on the phone.  He and I were talking about what happened, and he reminded me that things happen for reasons, and perhaps the reason for this was that I was about to take that “hot shot” and this happening stopped me in my tracks.  Maybe this saved my life.

I am thankful to be alive.  I’m glad I didn’t get to do the dope and that I got caught – at least in a way I am glad.  Had I taken it and died it would have devastated my Mother and my family in ways I don’t even want to imagine.  So, this is perhaps, a blessing in disguise.

GOING FORWARD

I may have signed a pre-trial contract with the state that says I won’t use, but the one that I have signed with myself now is even more important.  I don’t want this stuff to be part of my life now, or ever again.

I am going to attend ALL of my group meetings and stay rigidly on my medication.  I won’t dick around and alter the doses or miss meetings anymore.  Staying clean has got to be my #1 priority – above ALL else.

I am going to keep myself busy and focused on recovery and abstinence.  I’ve added work hours to my week, changed up my schedule so that I am obligated to work every morning during the week.  This will help keep me focused and give me a little more purpose.  Plus I will need the money to cover the bail that was posted and pay the fines and fees I have due.

I am going to add to my treatment program by going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings in my local area.  As long as those meetings are safe…I do hear that a lot of dealing goes on behind the scenes of them, and I won’t let myself be put in a position where I am in danger of slipping again.  So, I’ll check out a couple of different meetings and pick one I can fit into my schedule that is safe for me to attend.

I will also see my personal counsellor on a more frequent basis, weekly instead of bi-weekly.  I think this is important.  To be in a space where I can work on myself; that will keep me on track and going down the best path possible.

There’s lots of other little things I will be doing or changing to keep myself from any temptation or from putting myself in a position that would hurt me.  I’ll do everything I can possibly do to make this work once and for all time.

CONCLUSION

In conclusion, I fucked up big time.  I now have to own it and rectify the situation.

I’m not dead.  I have been given another chance.  I’m going to really make this one count.

I have to believe in myself.  I am bigger than this, and I won’t let it take me backwards.

I am going to make this right once and for all.  I will NOT use or go near anyone who is using.  I will stay clean and sober, no matter what; no matter how stressed out or what happens, I can handle it without clouding my judgement with drugs.  I know I can.

I have a lot to be thankful for.  A great family, an awesome best friend, friends that love me, 2 loving little dogs, my home and my job.  I won’t put any one of those things at risk!

I won’t beat myself up over this, I just have to work to keep things good and right.  We all have our demons, this is mine.  And I just have to make peace with the demon and continue to live a good, clean life.  I will work to figure out why I do this, and I will work to build my “tool box” with the tools I need to use to fight it daily.  I can do it.

Thanks for reading.  I wrote this mostly to just get it out of my head and onto a platform where I can look back at it everyday and remind myself of my commitment.  Sharing this with the world will perhaps help to keep someone else from making a similar mistake.  Sharing our stories is important, and we all have one.  This is mine.

Peace.   ~MB

 

…Continuation from Last Night

I didn’t get much more than an hour of sleep last night at my friend Linda’s house.  The dogs did sleep pretty good though, and that was nice to see them so relaxed there.  They cuddled up to me snugly and zoned right off into la-la land.  Lulu was particularly concerned with how upset I was and I don’t think she liked seeing me so frustrated, angry, scared and sad all at the same time.  Tears fell down my cheeks, and she licked their saltiness; kissing me and trying to console me.

So, I got up this morning and had to take Linda in to her job because her car is on the fritz at the moment (transmission linkage I believe) so I made her ride over to my house with me before dropping her off to work.  We rode by the house because “his” car was parked at the house still, with the engine running – indicating to me that he was preparing to leave for work.  The guy is a lobsterman on a boat out of Kittery.  I did not want to go to the house while he was still there, so I took Linda to work and parked in the Dunkin Donuts lot and waited for 25 minutes before returning to the house.  When I got back here he was gone.  I quickly got dressed for work, fed the dogs and got them a water bowl and snack for in the truck.  I refused to leave them at home not knowing if he would return to the house and possibly harm them in some way.

When I came in to change I found that he had cleared out all of his clothing and personal care products from my house.  He had packed them in his car and was gone.  The little back room was totally empty, draws and all.  I breathed a huge sigh of relief, as you can surely imagine.  I put the dogs in the truck and headed to work.  They comfortably stayed in the truck (it’s an SUV actually, I just call it my truck. A GMC Envoy to be specific).  And while they were parked at my job I went out every hour to check on them and let them out every couple of hours to do their business.  It kept me from worrying about them while I was working.

I worked until 11am and headed home.  When I got here I cleaned some stuff out of my truck, including paperwork I had in there on the dogs where I had taken them to Petco to get their nails trimmed on Wednesday afternoon. I came into the house and went to put the paperwork away in my expandable file that is kept on my desk in the kitchen.  I reached for it and IT WAS GONE.  Immediately I knew “he” had stolen it.  I started looking around and discovered that he also took my checkbook, my little backpack (a Butch sort of purse I suppose!!! LOL), my address books, a file box, and upon looking further int the house I found my jewelry box that my mother had all her life and had given to me STOLEN too.  He had gone through my bedroom quite thoroughly, searching through my things – even my underwear draw was askew from him rummaging through it.  WHAT A FUCKING SCUMBAG THIS GUY IS!  I had NO idea he would ever do anything like this.

I now feel completely violated.  He had invaded my personal space, touched my most personal things, taken important documents, mail, bills, receipts, address books, password books, and every thing he KNEW was important to me and that I needed.

I’ve not been THAT angry since the breakup of my LTR back in 2008…the anger was palpable and my heart was racing, tears streamed down my face and I was yelling about him stealing all of my things.

I put the dogs back into the truck and headed straight to the local police station to file a formal report and try to get my stuff returned to me, or to press charges on him for robbing me. What he did amounted to breaking into my room and robbing me of personal property of value.  I was livid to say the very least, I don’t even know how to describe how fucking angry I was at that moment.

He had gone to his job and was out fishing and I knew it.  I knew his car was at the pier and my things were probably in the trunk of his car.  I reported everything to the police, wrote out a written report, discussed it all with an officer and he called the guy on the phone.  It went to voice mail.  The officer left him a message that he must return my things, that taking them was not legal and he needed to return them immediately to the police station.  The message, which he left while I was sitting there in front of him in his office at the station, was very stern and to the point.  GIVE MY SHIT BACK OR FACE THEFT CHARGES.

The officer then instructed me to go to the bank and cancel my accounts, open new ones and then go to the District Court House up in York, Maine and file for an order of No Harassment / No Trespass.  Basically, a personal restraining order that keeps him away from me, my property, my job and my home.  The order was granted, after I had to write a lengthly statement of how I was frightened for my well-being and for my life with this “guy” and I didn’t want him NEAR me in any way.  He is not allowed to call me, text me, or come within 100 yard of me at any time.  Violation will result in his arrest for failing to adhere to the court order.  It is good for 30 days, and then I have to go back to court for a formal hearing with “him” and explain to the judge why I want it to be extended to 1 year.  I can extend it to 1 year and then renew it as I feel necessary.  I’m hoping that I can get it extended for the year, I don’t see why there would be any problem.  I was very explicit about what happened with this drunken asshole last night at my house, explaining in detail how he threatened me, harassed me, assaulted me verbally and threatened physical assault.  I told about him passing out standing up int he back room and falling backwards onto the floor, then not understanding WHY he was on the floor.  Accusing me of attacking HIM and of beating him up!  OMFG…he obviously has “wet-brain” from the multiple years of alcohol consumption, it’s permeated his blood-brain barrier and had done brain damage ((take note anyone who drinks excessively, this CAN happen, and probably WILL happen to you too if you keep it up!!! He’s the prime example of severe alcoholism slowly killing someone)).  My statement was explicit and I asked for what I needed: protection from harm by him by keeping him AWAY from me.

While I was at the courthouse waiting for the judge to approve my restraining order the police officer called me.  “HE” had returned my things to the officer at the station.  “He” told the officer that “it was all a big misunderstanding” and the officer said he was like a dog with it’s tail between it’s legs; knowing he was a BAD DOG.  He kept saying it was a misunderstanding and a mistake.  Like taking my belongings was a “misunderstanding”?  How the fuck does THAT work?  He’s so fucked in the head!!!   But, at least I got my stuff back – or most of it.  He kept some of my mail and a pile of paperwork (bills mostly) and my house keys.

When I got home tonight the police were here in my neighborhood looking for me.  They had forgotten to give me my rolodex that he had taken and turned in to them.  He handed it to me and I told him I wanted the keys too, he said he would try to get them for me.  It’s now 11:50 pm and I haven’t heard anything….I am hoping the cop remember to go over to the flea-bag hotel where this indigent idiot is staying and ask him for the keys before he goes and gets copies made!!!  Regardless, I am changing the door locks and handsets tomorrow.  Also installing slide bolts on the inside, for when I am home and in the house I can lock it securely from the inside.  It will be harder to change out my dead bolt lock…I’m not sure if it’s necessary to change that too quite yet…maybe.

The policeman said that “he” had been served the NO CONTACT order and was aware he was to stay far away from me and not bother me at all.  “He” then told the cop that he wanted money back that he had paid me for the cable bill.  HA!  Fuck him!  I told the officer that the “guy” would have to file with small claims because I am not refunding him anything! The policeman agreed and said that is what he had told the “guy” when he mentioned wanting anything from me. I do NOT feel that I “owe” him a goddamn thing.  He caused me SO fucking much trouble, money, time, miles on my vehicle and a whole day of visiting police stations, court houses, and driving all around to take care of what HE had caused me.  Plus all the worry, fear and anxiety…What a user he turned out to be!  And a low life scum kind of loser too.

So, that’s where things stand with this “situation” now.  I have my home back, I have most of my stolen things back, and “he” is GONE from my personal space.  He moved back to the flea-bag local motel where the rest of the town drunks reside on a weekly rental basis in little, very decrepit rooms.  It’s too bad that anyone wants to drink so badly that they are willing to live like that and to continue to wreck themselves in that manner.

I relate to his “addiction” from my own addiction stand point, but I NEVER stooped that low, I never let myself get that bad that I compromised my living situation for the dope.  I never stole from a friend like he did from me.  I never invaded someones privacy like he did to me.  I guess maybe I am the lucky one.  I could just never let myself get that low.

This whole incident definitely was a huge “trigger” for me.  It made me want to use my drug of choice very much…but I resisted, and I conquered the demon – I didn’t slip and use.  I’m kind of proud of that,  I got through sheer hell without picking up.  That’s an accomplishment for me.  Hey, it’s been almost a year now….I’m doing too good to start sliding backwards now.  I never want to go back to that crap or have it back in my life.  And now I also remember WHY I quit drinking in 1992….thank my lucky stars I had the sense to give that up!!!

Ok, time to get some much needed rest.  Thanks to all of you that reached out to me in the last day about this.  Thanks for your care and concern, your comments and advice!  I appreciate every one of you!  Big love!

Peace.  ~MB

Being Held Hostage

I am spending the night on my buddy’s couch, Lu and Nola are snuggled up with me.

There was a huge incident at my house tonight with a guy that I was letting stay in my old office room on a couch in there. I heard a loud crash and ran down the hall to the room and he was sprawled out on the floor…he was so drunk he just fell over – all 350 lbs of his drunken ass.

I have asked him repeatedly not to drink in my house because he has done this falling thing before. This time I got really angry and we had words. He thinks nothing of it that he’s so drunk he can’t stand up. I hate drunk people and he KNOWS IT.

I can’t live with this kind of shit. It turned into him threatening me and a huge yelling mess. I asked him to leave and he refused. Then I had my friend Adam try to get him out of the house. But he threatened him too and tried to engage him in a physical altercation. It got real nasty.

I didn’t call the cops because I am currently under bail conditions from a deferred disposition on a charge from 2016. There isn’t supposed to be any alcohol in my house, and I can be charged if I am caught with it. Now, I do NOT drink. I quit drinking back in 1992 and I hate alcohol. I hate the taste, the smell and the actions coffee drunk people. I don’t even hang out with people who drink!!!

I am not sure what will happen in the next 12 hours. I am not sure if he will leave, or die in the house, or drive drunk, or if he will be there to attack me if I try to go back home in the morning.

I am really scared. I haven’t felt like this for a long time. He is a large man and fueled by booze he is just plain dangerous. I fear for my safety and my dog’s safety too. He was talking outloud to himself so that u could hear and saying something about kicking the dogs…it’s really fucked up.

I really want to go to the police station and talk to an officer and explain the situation. But I don’t want to be putting myself in any legal trouble…I just want this awful man OUT of my house and GONE from my life. He has caused me a lot of anxiety and grief the last few weeks and now I can’t get him to leave. He has plenty of money, so that’s not the issue. He’s just being an asshole at this point.

So, I am at my friend’s house right now and of course I can’t sleep. The dogs are sound asleep though, which is good. They were quite scared too with all the yelling and me crying tonight. Yeah, I got so frustrated that I cried and couldn’t stop.

I will never trust another man again. It’s too risky. I am not the tough Butch kd who could hold her own in a fight anymore. I’m too old for that shit now. And men are just so fucking violent. His words alone were so scathing and horrible that I am probably going to deal with some emotional trauma now.

It will take me a while to feel safe again in my own house. I hate this whole thing.

It will be something to see when he sobers up and thinks about what he has done. I don’t know what his “sober” reaction will be. He’s generally been a nice guy, he just is a dead beat alcoholic who is seriously dealing with wet-brain and a slew of health issues from his years of drugs, alcohol, jail, and prison. His past is definitely catching up with him.

And ya know, karma is a bitch. She’ll definitely get him for this at some point. It’s too bad what some people throw them lives away for. All this shit for a stupid fucking shot of rum. Sad.

So I guess I will call a friend I have at the local PD and see what I can legally have done to remove him from my property. I don’t know what else to do. I will post again tomorrow to let you all know what happens.

Sucks that this is my pay-back for trying to help out someone in need. You can bet it won’t happen again!!!

Peace. ~MB

America and Guns

I was writing a piece on “hate crimes” and then the Las Vegas massacre happened. I woke up at 1am, which is about 11pm Vegas time, and my television was on…I was in total shock. I remember screaming out “NOOOO!!!!” followed by a bunch of nonsensical stuff as I started to cry. I could not believe what I was watching; seeing happening in Las Vegas, it was just too much to comprehend.
I live in the USA and there is this thing called the Bill of Rights. The 2nd Amendment to this is the “right to bear arms”…meaning we have the right to own guns. And because the NRA (Naitonal Rifle Association) basically funds Republican candidates and pays off politicians we have very loose laws concerning gun ownership. Recently our “president” signed a bill allowing mentally ill to once again be able to purchase guns without question. Yes, it’s a very sad state of affairs we have concerning gun ownership and responsibility.
Our “president” refuses to call the Las Vegas shooting an act of “terrorism” – which is exactly what it is. What could BE more terrifying than being attacked by machine gun fire while at a peaceful music concert? But, because this was a WHITE man who wasn’t acting on behalf of any terrorist organization he refuses to label it what it is: terrorism. Most acts of terrorism in this country are committed by individuals just like this guy. Trump just doesn’t understand what it’s like to be terrified and in fear for your life. He doesn’t get it, because he’s a coddled old nasty rich white man.
I’m sick of all of the mass shootings taking place in America. It’s horrific that we cannot craft legislation to help possibly prevent some of these people from being able to so readily acquire these assault style weapons and ammunition that can pierce metal – such as a car door or plane fuselage. What individual person needs this kind of ammo? Only someone with very bad intentions would purchase such ammunition or assault rifles. There is no good reason to own such items. If you think I am wrong, you tell me the “good reasons”. Unless you are preparing to kill multiple people you do NOT need an automatic weapon. They aren’t used for hunting, hell you’d tear up your target and not get any good meat! They have ONE purpose: to kill people. Period.
I believe in the 2nd Amendment. I believe we DO have a right to own a gun. And I would never want our government to try to remove that right. BUT, be serious, we need some regulations to help curb some of the violence and deaths. We need strict legislation. We all need to stand up to Congress and demand to be protected by such legislation and regulations! MANY other countries have put strict gun ownership laws into place and have vastly reduced gun related murders and deaths in their lands. Australia is the prime example. In 1996 there was a terrible mass killing, they put new laws into place and have drastically reduced gun deaths in their country to date.
I fully understand that putting more restriction on gun ownership won’t completely solve the problem of gun related crime. And yes, like illegal drugs, you can always get an illegal weapon if you try hard enough and know the right people – BUT remember, locks only keep an honest man honest. It’s a mentality thing, responsible gun owners understand the laws of gun ownership are there to protect them and other people. Intelligent, responsible people have no issue with things like background checks and enhanced legislation that moves toward curbing the wrong people from obtaining guns. I truly believe that if we all work together we can find solutions that will appease all of us. I believe we CAN save lives and lower the gun death rate if we just focus on the issues, work toward solutions for those issues and work together to solve them. It’s not going to please everyone, because that’s just impossible. There will still be that rogue gunman who, most likely because he has penis envy, will need to own 50 machine guns and armor piercing bullets….God only knows what his real reasoning will be. He will be in a minority I hope.
I too pray for the families of the victims of the Las Vegas massacre, but prayers without action to back them up are fruitless. I will continue to speak out and be visible in my fight to have better gun laws in this country. I will continue to pressure my Congressmen and Senators. I won’t idly stand by and feel like my voice has no impact. And if we all speak up, and speak LOUDLY, we can change this world and make it safer for all.
Peace. ~MB