Whew. I’m finally settled down enough to get a few words out on this blog. My life has been one fucking crisis after another for the past 2 weeks. First it was the drunken bum I had to take out the restraining order on last week and all my anxiety and angst over that whole ordeal, then this week I got myself into a heap of trouble with the judicial system.
Yes, I almost had a major relapse. Addiction is a mother fucker. The opioid crisis is real.
It hits you when you are the most vulnerable. I let my old coping mechanism take over briefly, I reached for the drug…the worst think I could have done while I was so stressed out over the happenings at home. But…the law stepped in before I could use it and I found myself in violation of bail conditions and sitting in the county lock-up for 2 1/2 days before someone could raise the $1000 bail and get me out. I’m totally ashamed of myself, but I think that things sometimes happen to you for a reason, and I think the cosmos designed this one to kick me in the ass and tell me to wake the fuck up and work my program harder!
I had been so busy tending to the ordeal with the drunk and getting my stuff back that I was not going to my group meeting or taking my Suboxone as I should have been doing. The combination of the stress, anxiety, fear and then the lack of preventative Suboxone, and lack of necessary therapy put me in a place where somehow I thought it would be a nice idea to “escape” for a bit and do a little dope to relax me. How fucking wrong is that!!? That is the thinking of a raging addict. That is the kind of thinking I MUST learn to change and stop listening to. It’s like that little devil on one shoulder whispering in my ear, “just a little won’t hurt”….I cannot listen to him, he must be silenced!
All of this just days before hitting the 1 year mark of kicking my bad habit. I swear, I could fuck up a wet dream sometimes. It’s just not right.
I got to say though that sitting in a cell for 50-odd hours gave me plenty of time to think. Mostly about why I didn’t want to be in that exact situation that I was in! I am too damned old to be cuffed and stuffed! It was a very vivid wake up call. And now that I am fully AWAKE, I have to walk a VERY tight line or I’ll be using the prison system mail delivery for future blog posts. That would truly SUCK.
I am fiercely happy to be free. I’m trying now to put everything into perspective and to figure out how to amend this infraction. The legality of it all is one thing, I have to deal with that over some time, court isn’t until January – actually my dispositional hearing is on my birthday – great huh? I’ve emailed my attorney about the violation and the new charge (possession) and I’m sure she’ll guide me through the legal process of it all and I have to live by some very strict rules. I signed a contract with Maine Pre-Trial Supervision. Basically, I have to live a squeaky clean life or I go back to that hell hole called Cumberland County Jail, losing my freedom and losing ALL that I have worked so damned hard to have in my life. That would devastate not only me, but my family, my dogs, my best friend and my girl. So, that is NOT an option. Squeaky clean I will be!
The personal and emotional angle of this happening is more difficult to “see” but let me tell you, it’s not pretty inside my head right now. I feel like a bad boi who needs a good beating at the moment. I knew better than to try what I tried, to try to dabble with the drugs again. I knew better. But I let the devil on my shoulder get his way momentarily, and it almost cost me everything. That’s really scary for me. Petrifying. I don’t want to lose everything I have worked so hard for, even though material things can be replaced, it would really suck bad to have to start over again. I do NOT want to go through that.
I am angry with myself for letting my Mom down. She’s really helped me in getting clean and staying clean. She’s believed in me, and supported me. And I let her down. I seriously breached her trust, and I know it. THAT just wrecks me inside. I cried more about that aspect of this stupid mistake than about anything else while I was in that concrete cell. All I could think of was how my Mom was going to take this news. I never want to hurt her, and I swore I wouldn’t do it again. Then this happens. So, I feel like a total failure with her. That’s the most important thing for me to repair out of all of this mess. I don’t want her to think that I’ve been lying to her and been using, because I haven’t! I’ve been very good this past year. I thought I had put this shit behind me, but then I let my guard down and addiction reared it’s ugly head. I hate what this stupid disease does to those we love.
“We are all just one shot away from a hot shot”….someone said that to me tonight on the phone. He and I were talking about what happened, and he reminded me that things happen for reasons, and perhaps the reason for this was that I was about to take that “hot shot” and this happening stopped me in my tracks. Maybe this saved my life.
I am thankful to be alive. I’m glad I didn’t get to do the dope and that I got caught – at least in a way I am glad. Had I taken it and died it would have devastated my Mother and my family in ways I don’t even want to imagine. So, this is perhaps, a blessing in disguise.
I may have signed a pre-trial contract with the state that says I won’t use, but the one that I have signed with myself now is even more important. I don’t want this stuff to be part of my life now, or ever again.
I am going to attend ALL of my group meetings and stay rigidly on my medication. I won’t dick around and alter the doses or miss meetings anymore. Staying clean has got to be my #1 priority – above ALL else.
I am going to keep myself busy and focused on recovery and abstinence. I’ve added work hours to my week, changed up my schedule so that I am obligated to work every morning during the week. This will help keep me focused and give me a little more purpose. Plus I will need the money to cover the bail that was posted and pay the fines and fees I have due.
I am going to add to my treatment program by going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings in my local area. As long as those meetings are safe…I do hear that a lot of dealing goes on behind the scenes of them, and I won’t let myself be put in a position where I am in danger of slipping again. So, I’ll check out a couple of different meetings and pick one I can fit into my schedule that is safe for me to attend.
I will also see my personal counsellor on a more frequent basis, weekly instead of bi-weekly. I think this is important. To be in a space where I can work on myself; that will keep me on track and going down the best path possible.
There’s lots of other little things I will be doing or changing to keep myself from any temptation or from putting myself in a position that would hurt me. I’ll do everything I can possibly do to make this work once and for all time.
In conclusion, I fucked up big time. I now have to own it and rectify the situation.
I’m not dead. I have been given another chance. I’m going to really make this one count.
I have to believe in myself. I am bigger than this, and I won’t let it take me backwards.
I am going to make this right once and for all. I will NOT use or go near anyone who is using. I will stay clean and sober, no matter what; no matter how stressed out or what happens, I can handle it without clouding my judgement with drugs. I know I can.
I have a lot to be thankful for. A great family, an awesome best friend, friends that love me, 2 loving little dogs, my home and my job. I won’t put any one of those things at risk!
I won’t beat myself up over this, I just have to work to keep things good and right. We all have our demons, this is mine. And I just have to make peace with the demon and continue to live a good, clean life. I will work to figure out why I do this, and I will work to build my “tool box” with the tools I need to use to fight it daily. I can do it.
Thanks for reading. I wrote this mostly to just get it out of my head and onto a platform where I can look back at it everyday and remind myself of my commitment. Sharing this with the world will perhaps help to keep someone else from making a similar mistake. Sharing our stories is important, and we all have one. This is mine.