Once again Pride month has passed. I was planning on attending our local Pride event and parade last Saturday in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. It’s not as huge as NYC or Boston, but it’s respectable and is always a good time. This is only the 3rd consecutive year that we have even had a local Pride event. but, I picked up a job doing some repairs to a pool and really need the extra money, so I burnered my going to Pride wants, and did the work. I don’t feel like I missed too much, and there will be lots of pictures to see from FB friends and allies.
So, I didn’t go. I would probably have felt kind of out of place as usual. I never feel as I belong correctly in the Lesbian part of the LGBT community. My Butchness is frowned upon by many lesbians. Yes, I think that Lesbians can be and are very judgmental of one another particularly. It seems that everyone has their own “way” or opinion of “how” lesbians should look, act, and conduct themselves. I always feel like a kind of outsider within my own so-called community. I am willing to bet that femme identified lesbians also feel this way sometimes, as they also catch holy hell for being “too” feminine as well as for dating Butches that oft times can “pass” as guys. I am one of those. I’m so used to being called “Sir” that it feels normal to me.
Perhaps it is me being too sensitive or maybe I am just hyper-aware that I am part of a minority within the minority. I am part of the Butch-femme world; a world that is only really understood by those who live the life within it.
I see the ads in the personals, when I look, that say “no Butches” and it always pisses me off. Not that I am interested in responding to a personal ad, but I just wonder what is it about Butches that scares otherly identified lesbians so fucking much? What is it that they don’t understand about individuality and authenticity? Who are they to say what is “too masculine” or “too feminine”? I was born to be me. I didn’t have to put on any kind of “act” to be Butch. It’s just who I grew from a young Tomboy to be. I am not “confused” and I don’t want to “be a man” in any way. I want to be Butch; a masculine woman. I like my masculine presentation and traits. I love femme women. I love the chemistry, the pull and the dynamic of a Butch-femme relationship.
Pride should be celebrated by all, equally. Yet, somehow I feel pushed out of my own “community”. It’s a changing landscape. Is there still a place at the table for us older lesbians? For us Butch identified? Or are we destined to become the invisible?
Even our government refused to recognize LGBT Pride month. Their dire need to make us invisible is palpable. Their outright hate for those under the LGBT umbrella seeths.
It’s a changing world. And ever dangerous.