Changes and Life Storms…

Yes, we all know that changes happen to us every single day that we wake up breathing.

We are constantly undergoing change. Body changes, hairstyle changes, changes in jobs, living spaces, partners, lovers, friends, and personal stuff like emotional and mental changes.  We are human.  We are creatures of habit, yet change is one of those things that we cannot stop.

I feel  like I am going through some sort of period of changes myself right now.  I just have not been feeling like my old self.  I think I am more like “morphing” into some sort of new me.  It’s not a “bad” thing, the things I am noticing are not all negative my any means.  I am just thinking about this and things I have noticed lately.

I have developed even LESS of a tolerance for ignorance and stupidity.  And I don’t always hold back anymore, if I think you are being stupid I’ll up and tell you right quick.  I used to be more reserved, but hey, I think that people need to know how they are perceived.  And maybe sometimes it’s not all roses and kittens.

The political scene in America – if you can call it a “scene”…well, it sort of is a scene…because it’s being directed by a fucking reality TV fallen-star – has got me thinking pretty deeply about my life here and what is going to happen in my country in the next few years, or even few months!  I wake up every day now and check Twitter to see what the Trumpidiot has Tweeted that is going to be destructive today.  It’s scary.  I now live with more of a sense of personal fear than I EVER did before.  And that is just not right.

I have white privilege, but after that I have everything going against me – I’m a woman, a lesbian, Butch, HIV+, and poor.  The fact that I do have that stupid white privilege thing is not lost on me.  I understand that if I were Black or Hispanic that I would struggle even harder than I do in life.  And that angers me.  Everyone should have the same even platform from which to launch.  No one deserves to be treated as less-than or as unequal in any way.

I want to read Sen. Flake (R) AZ ‘s new book, “Conscience of a Conservative” that just came out.  He sounds like a reasonable man.  And I know how Trump hates any Republican who doesn’t cow to his wants and demands.  Flake and McCain are just two of them that Trumpy despises.

So Scaramoucci (sp?) quit today.  He lasted a whole 10 days as the WH Correspondence chief.  I guess he couldn’t get along with the new guy, Gen. Kelly, who is now going to be Trumpidiot’s right hand man. I actually believe that he’s been brought in to SHOW Trumpidiot HOW to run an administration and HOW to be a President.  And I believe that he is going to be Trump’s worst nightmare.  He’s not going to take kindly to Trump Tweeting stuff every day.  There are “leakers” in there, and Trump is right at the top of them!  He’s his own worst enemy.

I don’t know who, or if they have even chosen anyone yet, is going to be the new voice for Trumpidiot.  Good luck to whomever it is that gets that gift of a job.  Hahaha!  It will give Saturday Night Live a new character to develop for sure.

I’ve been talking with my special girl up north all week.  Even when I wasn’t feeling good talking to her for a few minutes would pick me up.  She’s been a real positive thing in my life.  She is in a pretty complex situation there.  With her being poly it’s okay that we are talking, but does have relations there, and I have respect for those.  We’ve been talking every day, something I haven’t really done solidly with anyone for quite a while now.  It’s nice to wake up and be able to message her and smile at her replies.  Things are really in their beginnings with us, and it’s yet to be seen how far things go.  We have known one another for years, just the time for us to talk was never right – before now.  It’s been really fun getting to know each other better.  I really like this woman and hope we keep talking…for a nice long time.  We’ve become very good friends, and that is what counts to me the very most.  I can share things with her that I don’t with others, which is a nice feeling.

I’m not looking for forever, just like connecting with good people in the now.  One day there will be a woman who comes into my life and decides to stay, but until then I am a free bird and enjoy good people.  This current friend that I am talking with fits that bill, she is just plain good people!  And she’s been through a very rough journey in life, so her story is sometimes hard to hear, but I am someone who isn’t afraid to listen and to really hear her.

Tomorrow is never a given.  Live for today.  Take risks.  Take chances.  Sometimes you don’t get a second chance, so leap before it’s too late.

Peace.  ~MB

 

 

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Depression, Meds, and Life Stuff…

It’s the end of July 2017…it’s a cool, rainy day here in southern Maine.  I am wearing a long sleeved T-shirt and jeans because it’s too cold for anything less!  I’ve got the windows shut (most of them) and the doors closed today.  Brrr.  This weather is just strange for this time of year.  Normally it’s 90 and humid as fuck.

Well….that got me far…I started this days and days ago.  Just never got back around to finishing it up.

I’ve been in a serious funk for about a week.  I’m in the midst of switching up my anti-depressant meds, for those of you who can relate, it’s not a fun time.  Your brain gets to depend on those chemicals to stay in balance.  So when you remove them things get a bit haywire.  I’m just lethargic and without any kind of will to do anything.  Living is a chore.  But, I’m not one to quit, so I’m hanging in and waiting on the new medication to be approved.  Fucking insurance companies.  They hold our lives hostile at times.  Evidently this new medication I am going to be taking, Trintellex, has to be pre-approved by my insurance company.  It will be a week tomorrow that I have been waiting.  And 3 weeks with no anti-depressants in my system.  Depression takes different forms for each of us.  With me it’s the lack of desire; the lack of enjoyment of life that really manifests.

I have a ton of shit to get done around here.  I’m behind on my gardening and the lawns really should be mowed tonight.  It’s 5:30pm now, so I am thinking that I will get ready and mow the lawns around 6:45 when the sun is setting and it’s at it’s coolest – and yet still enough daylight to see.  Normally I do enjoy mowing and grooming the yard.  It always makes me feel good to have it looking neat and tidy.  It also gives a temporary sense of accomplishment and well-being.

The veggie garden is going gang-busters.  It’s producing lots of nice cucumbers and zuchinni squash.  Tomatoes are green still, but will ripen soon (I am personally NOT a fan of tomatoes, but I grow them for others).  My herbs are really growing well.  I am not sure how to dry them, but I am going to research it and dry what I can for future use.  I have basil, rosemary, mint and others.  Damn, see I can’t even remember simple words at the moment, I had the list of herbs in my head and I cannot bring the names of them to the forefront of my brain to type here….another side effect of depression and lack of medication.

I have been researching some herbal anti-anxiety remedies, since I am banned from any benzos now.  I can no longer get the lorazapam or xanax.  So, I found two that are of interest to me.  Here are two pics of the bottles that I took while I was in Walgreens waiting for my weekly script.

I think I’ll get both of these products this week when I stop in there again this Wednesday and try them out.  Herbal is better than nothing I suppose.  And the valerian root extract that I tried made me kind of sick.  I didn’t get the relaxing results, but I sure did get a stomach ache and headache.  If you know of any really good ideas for anxiety reduction – besides meditation and reducing stress – those things are a given, and it’s not that I want to be under stress any more than anyone else does, but in order to live this weird thing that we call life you must be under pretty much constant stress.  You have to survive, and that in itself is stressful.

Ok, I’m off to mow those lawns….rawrrrrr!  Peace!  ~MB

Re-blogged….an old video I did…

Wow!  PurpleSage blogged this video of me talking about Growing Up Butch…this is like almost 10 yrs old now, but it is all still very relevant.  It was fun to see it again.  You can also see it on my YouTube channel.  Thanks PurpleSage!  Love ya all!  Peace!  ~MB

This is a video by the excellent vlogger Mainely Butch! This made me think about whether I could describe what it’s like growing up femme. I think that would be hard to do though. Women describe what it was like growing up butch by naming the reasons they were different from other girls. So how […]

via Video: Growing up butch — Purple Sage

Chaos and Disruption in America

Hello world.  It’s another Monday, my least favorite day of the week.  I wanted to blog last night but Lulu was insistent on licking my computer screen…so I had to put the computer away and tried to sleep..with no luck.  I’ve been having some evil sleeping problems, I just can’t seem to turn off my thoughts and fall into a peaceful slumber.

I worry a lot now about my country and our horribly chaotic political landscape.  Trump is driving us into the ground.  It’s just insane, and it seems to get WORSE every day that goes by that he is still in office.  I’m actually a little bit surprised that he has made it this far (6 mos) without either  being booted or killed.

The level of violence in the USA has risen to all new heights.  Trump’s being elected to our nation’s highest office, with all of his hate, bigotry and discrimination, seems to have given new life to violence.  Some think it’s the answer now.  The police in the US are gunning down criminals at an alarming rate – I personally have NEVER in my life experienced a year like we are having.  Not a day goes by that we don’t hear of a police involved shooting somewhere in this country.  We have had a few of them locally.  It’s astounding to me, cops never used to kill people like this.  They would find ways to take them into custody without taking their lives.  I’m not sure if the Trump administration has given some underlying directive to tighten up and take less prisoners or what.  That is certainly what it feels like.

This scares me because the police are supposed to serve and protect the people.  And with this very strange, violent, unpredictable administration in DC I am afraid of some sort of Marshal law being instituted.  They have already given judicial directives to start trying ALL drug crimes to the maximum penalties.  This is not the answer to stopping illegal drug trade in the US.  Imprisoning people for small amounts of drugs is a waste of time and money, yet that’s what they (Trump & Co.) want to see happen.  The answer is to educate, provide treatment programs and to work to stop the demand.  The drug industry is completely fueled by supply and demand.  If we could somehow teach people how NOT to reach for drugs as an answer to problems then we would slow the demand, making it inevitably less profitable to deal drugs, and less appealing.  Sounds simple huh?  Too bad it’s not. Take it from a drug addict, curing addiction is a bitch, and it’s so easy to reach for that thing that kills the pain, makes one happier for a little while, and is so easy to get.

So, I fear the police now.  I’ve always had a healthy respect for the law enforcement of this country, and I have had my dealings with them on a few levels over the years.  But now it’s different.  I fear being stopped in my vehicle, fear reaching for my wallet – maybe I’ll become another statistic of  the “….I thought she was reaching for a gun…” defense.  It seems that it happens so frequently now.  There was an Australian woman in Michigan recently that called the cops because she heard a woman in distress in the alley, as she was standing outside the cop car talking to the cops the cop on the passenger side shot through the driver’s window and killed her.  She was holding a phone.  She had called them…she needed their help…she ended up DEAD.  And STILL the cops are remaining silent, they won’t say WHY they killed her!!!!  THAT is an ATROCITY.  That is the kind of stuff we now fear from our own law enforcement here in the USA – land of the free, supposedly a safe country.  Things are changing.  My country is morphing into a place that frightens me, especially as a Butch lesbian.

Trump and Company are in loads of legal troubles lately.  They are all lying so much about their involvement with Russia and Putin that it’s pathetically obvious.

I could rant on and on about all the horrible things that Trump and his cronies are proposing to do to the USA.  The list is pretty much endless.  He’s attacking any and all programs that help people live. He’s attacking minority communities.  Doing away with all reference to the LGBT community, attacking HIV/AIDS programs, Social Security, Medicare and our food supplement program – which feeds millions here.  His idea is to do away with ALL of these programs as soon as possible.  He will create even MORE poverty, more suffering and more hatred.  Many Americans, most of us, are upset, angry and afraid for our future; for the future of America as a unified country.  But what to DO about what is happening is very confusing and feels out of reach.  Even our representatives in government are not all speaking out against all that is happening.  A few brave politicians ARE, but the majority are remaining silent; afraid for their own political futures if they “go against” the sitting president.  Yes, he has our country in a choke hold, and somehow we don’t seem to be able to yet break free.

Personally, I am trying to hold on to my pride in my country; trying to hang on to some faith that we will come together and put our country back on the right track.  We can once again become a country that cares for all, not just some of the people.  The American people are very caring and devoted people.  Taking care of our own should be our first priority, and yet this new administration thinks that taking care of only the rich and powerful is important, and that the lessers can fend for themselves in all ways.  They see women as property and as breeding machines without the ability to govern their own bodies and lives.  This has been made obvious by various statements made by several men in the Trump administration over time.

Some of the things you hear and read are so incredible that you just cannot believe that anyone “really” said them!  Things like that God is punishing people by making them disabled.  That women are meant to be raped.  That men are entitled to rape.  That we do not need a supplemental food program in a country where 1 in 4 have food instability.  That we do not need preventative medical care.  That we do not need a healthcare policy.  …and on and on…just incredulous statements and ideas!

We know that several things go on when someone wants and intends to control a country’s people.

The news media is discredited and people are told to only believe the government’s words.

Education is cut, because the less educated the people are the less trouble they can cause.  Keeping people in the dark.

Scare tactics are used.  People are made to fear the police, their government officials, attacks from abroad and each other.  An air of distrust is created to keep people on edge and seeking some kind of protection for themselves and their families.

Groups of people are marginalized, like the LGBT community, the African American community, Latino/a community, Muslims, Mexicans, Asians, and anyone not white, well educated and rich.  This keeps us separated so that we in turn fear not only them, but one another in many ways.  This keeps us from coming together and fighting the real enemy of the people.

These are all tactics used by the powerful to keep the people under their control, and to keep chaos in the air.  This is exactly what Hitler did in Germany.  This is what Trump is doing to America.  Think about it.  These things, plus more, are being done on a daily  basis.  Look at the programs he has condemned to shut down already – including our American Healthcare program, our department of Education, the Environmental Protection Agency, Planned Parenthood, Women’s advancement programs, child welfare programs, wildlife protection programs, and more.  He’s dismantling all that is good about America, one program at a time.

If this stuff doesn’t frighten – or at least concern you a lot – then you really don’t get what is about to happen here.  It has to be stopped before it’s too late.

Some Republicans are beginning to see that Trump is NOT good for America or the American way.  Those few will grow in number over time.  I just hope it is soon enough.

Peace.  ~MB

In the Fog..

That’s where I have been lately…in the fog.  I’m feeling a whole slew of ways.  Emotions are such fucked up things most of the time.  I’ve been trying like hell to sort through them all, from those feelings of loss, to feelings of renewed strength.  It’s no easy task.  I’ve been burying most of my emotions for months now…and the build up is working it’s way towards either an implosion or an explosion…both are pulling in equal directions!

I haven’t been writing much at all.  Which is VERY unlike me.  I have always written at least every other day…but for some reason I am avoiding the keyboard, the phone and the pen/paper like mad.  So, tonight I am determined to do some writing here; to sort through some stuff.  You are welcome to read along, but let me forewarn you that this may be a bit discombobulated or it may make perfect sense…THAT is yet to be seen.

What’s been going on in my life?  The same daily struggles of course.  Working my 3 days a week, puttering around the house.  Playing in my gardens.  I’ve been laying pretty low, not causing much commotion – as if I could!  LOL  I like things rather quiet.  I enjoy my home and spend a good amount of time here, working around inside and out.  Making it as nice a home as I can for the dogs and I.

I’ve been trying to talk my best friend in to moving in with me, her and her 2 cats.  It would make life so much easier on both of us, sharing expenses and being company for one another.  But she has her house that she owns, and one of the cats is very old and she’s afraid that he will not adapt to new surrounds this late in his life.  I say he will.  But it’s just not happening.  So, I spend most of my evenings alone, chatting on FB messenger with friends, or watching TV, reading and sometimes writing.  I’ve been pretty absorbed in US politics…a whole other topic for another time.  The last 2 days I have had to back off and take a break from it…it’s just so incredibly chaotic over here in the USA…incredibly fucked up to put it bluntly and honestly.

Been doing some thinking about people that I miss in my life.  Wishing that there weren’t so many good-byes.  But understanding that that is just part of life.  People come and people go.  Some stay a while, some retreat quite abruptly.  I miss the Spanish chick, still.  And I miss a couple of other’s who have dropped out of my life.  But, alas, life does go on and whether those people are still in it or not is completely up to them in most cases.

I’ve changed in the past couple of years — doesn’t everyone change with time?  I am more sure of myself in knowing what I want and don’t want.  What I don’t want is “temporary” people in my life.  I don’t want to play games, or pretend to be someone I am not just to make someone else comfortable. I don’t want to be used for any reason.  I am a strongly opinionated person, I have good morals and ethics that I am committed to and I will not waiver in my commitment to them for anyone.  What I do want is more truth in life.  Genuine people who care about others and are not self-centered or self-absorbed.  I like people who are engaged in life, who read and stay informed about what’s going on in the world, who understand that all of our lives are intertwined and connected.

I had a young friend just come out to her family today.  It was really super sweet, they stepped right up and were whole-heartedly supportive of her!  Insuring her that they love her and are proud that she found her voice and exited the closet!  Her mom is a very good friend of mine, and she called me today to talk about it, to insure herself that she had responded lovingly enough!  I thought THAT was awesome of her!  My young friend is just 21, she’s got her whole life ahead of her and now she can move forward without that nagging “fear” of being “found out”….we all know that fear, and how paralyzing it can be.  Coming out is a very personal thing, and is not always received like this one way, with love and dignity.  Sometimes it goes in the opposite direction, sadly.  I’m just happy that this one went so well!  I am always happy to support and mentor young LGBT folks who contact me, and I knew that this one would eventually do so..it was just a matter of time.  I have known her all of her life, and could see that she was struggling with this over the last couple of years specifically. But I thought it best to let her come to us, instead of confronting her on this very personal issue.  In the end this is what happened, and everyone is doing great tonight!  Welcome to our community young Ash!  🙂

Took Lulu and Nola out for a walk around the neighborhood tonight.  We all needed to get out for some exercise and fresh air.  We waited until around 7 to take advantage of the setting sun and cooling off of temps.  Even Lulu actually WALKED on her leash today! That’s progress as she would rather be carried most of the time, lazy baby girl!  She walked with enthusiasm today!  So I have decide to make it a nightly thing, to help us get in better shape.  Nola and I could stand to lose some weight and Lulu needs to fatten up and get some more muscle.  So this will definitely benefit us all!  Nola and I are both getting older and it’s not easy to keep the weight off of either of us.  I personally could lose a good 25 lbs and be a lot happier with my appearance.  Nola is about 22 lbs.  She should be more like 17…so she has a proportionate amount of weight to lose, at least 5 lbs.  We’ll keep you posted on our progress.  I am going to buy a weighing scale this weekend.  I don’t even own one now…but need one to keep track of our progress.  Yeah, it’s gotten that bad!  I usually lose it faster in the summer, but it’s not happening this year like it has in the past.  So the weight war begins….lol

So, it’s a nice cool night.  I am heading to  bed soon, to cuddle with the pups and get some rest.  Tomorrow I have a bunch of little things to get done around here and then I have doctor visits on Wednesday; work Thursday and Friday and then do it all over again.  I am planning to go to the beach this weekend.  Not sure which one yet, but I’m definitely due for a beach day with the dogs.  Sun and surf on the agenda!

I’ve been talking to one woman lately about feminism and Butch bashing.  It seems that she’s involved in a group on FB that’s mostly femmes and they discuss femme lesbian issue and ideas.  She tells me that there is some “Butch bashing” going on lately.  And that some of the more extreme feminist leaning women have been saying things like “why date a woman who looks like the opposition?” (meaning men I assume).  I find that quite insulting.  That is bashing in it’s finest to me.  I found that to be a new insult, hadn’t heard that one before. Especially from a femme identified person.

You would think that if they were part of the B-F community that they would understand by now that saying that is just not right.  I am told the people saying this are more for femme to femme play, and relationships, so this may explain the odd statement, although it makes it no more less hurtful.  I do not view men as “opposition” at all.  There’s a little bit of asshole in everyone of us.  I try to view and treat people as I wish to be treated.  With respect and compassion.  Yes, I am Butch.  I am masculine in presentation and mannerisms.  I tend to push the binary very hard.  If someone finds this offensive, or to be emulating their “opposition” then that’s on them, and I don’t care to have it in my life.  I am who I am.  Butch and proud.

Do you have any examples of Butch or femme bashing?  I’d like to hear from others on this topic.

Peace!  ~MB

Disgusted.

Just when I thought his Tweets could not possibly get any worse, or go any lower, Trumpski tweets out a video this morning made up of him beating the crap out of a CNN correspondent.  Sick.  I’m surprised he didn’t make it a woman that his likeness was beating on…it would be just like him to do something like that.

Yes, world, it’s been another disgusting week in America.  The man holding the office of President hostage has been acting like an 8 yr. old school yard bully.  He’s been name calling, belittling and demeaning the media and especially women.  His seething hate for women is so blatant it’s sick.

And he is planning to disband all panels and any helpful committee on womens’ issues.

His disdain for women, blacks, Muslims, the LGBT community and anyone who is of minority origin is despicable.  He has ONE agenda, to further his own personal popularity and personal financial portfolio.  THAT is his only goal in being “president” of this country – a country that he cares NOTHING about at all.

America is in serious trouble with this idiot at the helm.  The Republican party has NO balls, they refuse to stand against him on any issue, even encouraging him to Tweet.  They are just as disgusting as he is.  Every last one of them is responsible for this mess.  And we should hold them so.  Re-election should not be an option for any one of them.

I am off to a party.  A 4th of July party where there will be people who are Trump supporters.  God help me.

Peace.  ~MB

Pride Month Passes

Once again Pride month has passed.  I was planning on attending our local Pride event and parade last Saturday in Portsmouth, New Hampshire.  It’s not as huge as NYC or Boston, but it’s respectable and is always a good time.  This is only the 3rd consecutive year that we have even had a local Pride event.  but, I picked up a job doing some repairs to a pool and really need the extra money, so I burnered my going to Pride wants, and did the work.  I don’t feel like I missed too much, and there will be lots of pictures to see from FB friends and allies.

So, I didn’t go.  I would probably have felt kind of out of place as usual.  I never feel as I belong correctly in the Lesbian part of the LGBT community.  My Butchness is frowned upon by many lesbians.  Yes, I think that Lesbians can be and are very judgmental of one another particularly.  It seems that everyone has their own “way” or opinion of “how” lesbians should look, act, and conduct themselves.  I always feel like a kind of outsider within my own so-called community.  I am willing to bet that femme identified lesbians also feel this way sometimes, as they also catch holy hell for being “too” feminine as well as for dating Butches that oft times can “pass” as guys.  I am one of those.  I’m so used to being called “Sir” that it feels normal to me.

Perhaps it is me being too sensitive or maybe I am just hyper-aware that I am part of a minority within the minority.  I am part of the Butch-femme world; a world that is only really understood by those who live the life within it.

I see the ads in the personals, when I look, that say “no Butches” and it always pisses me off.  Not that I am interested in responding to a personal ad, but I just wonder what is it about Butches that scares otherly identified lesbians so fucking much?  What is it that they don’t understand about individuality and authenticity?  Who are they to say what is “too masculine” or “too feminine”?  I was born to be me.  I didn’t have to put on any kind of “act” to be Butch.  It’s just who I grew from a young Tomboy to be.  I am not “confused” and I don’t want to “be a man” in any way.  I want to be Butch; a masculine woman.  I like my masculine presentation and traits.  I love femme women.  I love the chemistry, the pull and the dynamic of a Butch-femme relationship.

Pride should be celebrated by all, equally.  Yet, somehow I feel pushed out of my own “community”.  It’s a changing landscape.  Is there still a place at the table for us older lesbians?  For us Butch identified?  Or are we destined to become the invisible?

Even our government refused to recognize LGBT Pride month.  Their dire need to make us invisible is palpable.  Their outright hate for those under the LGBT umbrella seeths.

It’s a changing world.  And ever dangerous.