Role Models

So, I got up on Monday and made the decision in my head to drag my ass out of the stupid funk that I had gotten into, change my attitude and to have a good week.  And…it worked.  I’ve been very upbeat all week.  And tonight I even invited my parents over to my place for a small backyard cookout.  It was awesome.  They even seemed to relax and enjoy themselves.  The place looks mighty good, and they were pretty impressed with all the work I have done and how it looked.  That made me very proud and put a big smile on my face.

For my whole life I have been trying to please my father.  I don’t know why; perhaps it’s because he is my father and I have the utmost respect for the man.  As a young person I envied him, emulated him and secretly wanted to be just like him.  Of course I was too young to understand all that that really entailed – like now I know I don’t want to be just like him.  He’s politically my polar opposite, and I could never go there.  But as a man of principles and eithics I always put him on a pedestal and tried to live up to what he wanted…or what I thought that he wanted from me.  In my 30’s I realized this constant need to please my father had been a real problem for me all of my life.  Therapy opened that door for me and taught me a lot.  Yet, still today it gives me much pleasure when he is pleased with me for some reason.  I’m sure the therapist would have a lot to say about it still.  I also fear the man immensely.  I fear his anger, his disapproval and his hate.  I avoid him most of the time, but there is a part of me that would really like to be closer to the guy.  It’s an emotional rollercoaster for me, one I am sure I will continue to deal with until the end.

Role models are important to young people.  When I was growing up I had my parents as role models.  Like any child I watched them intently and copied those things that I admired in them.  My Dad was a super strong dude, a Marine, then a cop, then a builder and business owner.  He is the epitomy of masculinity.  As a youngster I already understood that I was attracted to women, I thought at the time that I was supposed to be a boy and some mistake had been made.  I felt like a boy.  I acted like a boy.  I tried to copy the masculine traits of my father.  Many times I remember standing in the bathroom door watching him shave.  Is there really anything more masculine than shaving your face?  I think not.  Each pass of the razor over his face would make this “szzzh” sound as whiskers yielded under the sharp blade.  I always wanted to shave…to make that sound and feel the razor on my skin.  Of course, this desire kind of dissipated as I grew older.  I eventually became aware that I am female and that wasn’t going to change, but that I could still be as masculine as I felt and that it’s okay to just be me.

I get notes from younger LGBT people occasionally talking about how they need good role models in their lives.  Often these kids are secluded in more rural parts of the country where there isn’t a visible gay community of any kind for them to reach out to.

I sympathize with them because when I was growing up I didn’t have any other lesbians around me to reach out to either.  Always knowing that I was different from the other girls I hung out with, and hiding it like hell.  I wish that I had had role models, that I could have come out at a younger age and not had to go through all the crap that I put myself through when I was struggling with my own sexuality, thinkin I was going to hell and that I was some kind of freak.  It would have helped me to know that I wasn’t alone in the world, like I felt I was.

In today’s world we have the opportunity to BE good role models for those young LGBT people coming up behind us.  They are watching us.  They want to know what to do, how to do it and what needs to be done.  They want to carry on the legacy, the pride and the fight for equality.  We need to be aware of them; encourage them and nurture them.  It is our job to show them the way and to explain to them where we have been; where we came from.  We need to remember that the world has become more open than it ever was when we were growing up and coming into our own as adults.  There are new dangers out there now with the internet and globalization of things.  But there are still the old dangers too…the hate, the hippocracy, the homophobia and the violence.  Keep them alert, aware and yet don’t embed them with unnecessary fear of being themselves.

We each have a story, a history, and a way of being in this crazy world, it’s important to pass that knowledge on to the future.  In being role models we need to tell our stories, tell how we dealt with things, how hard it was and how rewarding it is.  We need to pass on the pride of the LGBT community; pride in overcoming so many obstacles and in living loving lives despite much of the world being against us.  And show them that you can lead a great, productive and contributing life no matter who you identify as.

So that is what I think about when I think about being a role model to younger LGBT individuals.  I want our community to be more cohesive, to come together and to be a stronger voice for all.  And I want those who are younger to realize that community is important and supporting one another is vital to our mutual survival.  What do you think?  Are you being a good role model for those who look up to you in life?

Peace.  ~MB

Just Things…

I been in one of my stupid “funks” for over a week.  Just don’t have any enthusiasm for life when I get like this.  I just want to hide from the world, not interact with others and stay in my own private space.  And I don’t want to talk about it at all.

Today is the anniversary of the Pulse night club fire in Orlando Florida.  I’ve been thinking about it all day.  How those people were partying and having a blast and their night turned to horror with fatal results for 49 innocent people.  All because some stupid mother fucker had it out for the LGBT community.  It sucks.  It’s just not right.  And what makes me even madder today is that our idiot “presicent” did not even take 2 minutes to speak to the memories of these 49 lost souls.  You KNOW that any other President, like Obama, would have done that for sure.  Just more proof that he hates our community and is wanting us erased.

Today it was 94 degrees here….THAT is VERY hot.  After work I came home and retreated to my air conditioned bedroom.  Then my friends came over and we got the other A unit installed in the main living area of the house.  It’s working now to bring the temperature down out there to a tolerable degree.  Around 7pm, as the sun was going down, I went outside and watered all of my gardens and container plants.  Then I got very brave and mowed all of the lawns.  It looks great, and it’s DONE for the week.  Now I have the next 2 days off and don’t have to worry about mowing in the 90+ degree heat!

…ok, I wrote the above 3 paragraphs last night before I fell asleep…

This morning I am awake and have a new attitude for the day.  I got myself cleaned up and dressed nice and early and I am determined to do something fun – or at least something that I enjoy – today.  It’s going to be another scorcher outside today, so it would be a good day for the beach or the pool.  I do have to consider the dogs…of course they would love to go to the beach, but they would also restrict what I would be able to do.  I can’t leave them in the hot car or really relax while keeping an observant eye on mischievous little Lulu.

I am thinking I am going to go to the BARBER shop and get my annual super Butch haircut…it’s time to shave it all off!  Yes, that’s where I am going to start the day… and I am OFF!!! Bye!

Peace!  ~MB

Shame and Embarrassment

Today our country, or most of it, came to a sort of 3 hour stand still while we were all riveted to the television watching James Comey testify in Washington DC.  Everyone wanted to hear what he had to tell us about his meetings with Trump, about his being fired by Trump and anything else he could tell us about what the hell was going on with Trump and Russia.

What I took away from listening to Comey was that we are going to be dealing with a “he said, he said” situation here.  It’s his word against Trumps.  We know one is an outright liar here.  One is NOT telling the truth.  I find it very, very hard to believe that a man who has served 3 presidents now, and who never had any problem until he started investigating the Russian interference in our elections would be the liar.  No, I believe that it is our current President that is lying through his teeth to the American public, to his constituents and to the whole world.  Comey says that Trump claims to have tapes of their meetings, I hope that he does and that he produces them, I want to hear those tapes.  So does everyone else I am sure.  But I suspect that those tapes have long been destroyed or hidden.  Trump will not chance producing them now.  He knows he will be caught in the lies for sure.

Half of Comey’s testimony was behind closed doors, in a classified environment.  We didn’t get to see or hear that.  But one thing that came out of it was the revelation that Jeff Sessions, our current Attorney General, had a 3rd meeting with the Russians….this guy is going to resign this week…betcha.  He is dirty; very dirty.  And he knows it.

Comey also confirmed, with no doubt at all, that the Russians DID INDEED interfere with the 2016 Presidential election, and other elections as well.  And they did it in a MAJOR way.  This has been confirmed by 17 security agencies, including the FBI.  THIS is something that we all need to be the most concerned with, because they will do this again with the 2018 and 2020 elections as well.  Comey tried very hard today to make that point very clear.  And he would know this information for sure, as he was the head of that investigation until he was fired.

It’s very hard to be an American citizen right now.  And I have always been a very proud American; proud of my country and of our standing in the world.  But right now we have become the laughing stock of the world.  Great Britain won’t even host our President for a visit, saying why would they roll out the red carpet for someone who has such opposite views and who is insulting their people, like Trump did to the mayor of London after the other day’s terrorist attack?  I don’t blame them one bit, I wouldn’t give the guy any special treatment or welcome him into my home either.  He’s made me ashamed to be an American who is represented by such a hateful, ignorant, and pompous ass.  He has made us look selfish with his “America First” rhetoric and policies.  He pulls us out of the Paris Climate Agreement and puts us in a category with countries like Syria and Nicaragua…yeah, just who we want to be classed with.  He pushes his way to the front, shoving other world leaders aside so that HE can be in the front and center of any pictures being taken.  And he has treated Angela Merkel with such rudeness that it’s so embarrassing that I want to write her a letter of apology.  I lived in her beautiful country for 2 years, and I was always treated so well by the German citizens that I had contact with, and Trump treated her like dirt.  I think he is completely threatened by her because she is a woman and she is in a position of power – he HATES that.

Yes, we Americans are embarrassed and ashamed right now.  And we are very much STUCK with this guy.  Our Republican party of politicians is protecting him, the Russian government is protecting him, hell  somehow he’s become sort of bullet proof.  He seems to be able to do ANYTHING he pleases without recrimination or punishment of any kind.  He once said that he could stand in the middle of the street in NYC and shoot someone and no one would do anything about it….I am seriously beginning to BELIEVE that that is true!!!  I do NOT understand WHY he is so protected and bullet proof.  I don’t understand WHY our representatives cannot seem to do anything about his horrible behavior and lack of manners, about his ignorance about government and policy or about his committing treason without consequences!  Ryan said today that he’s “new at this” and “has a lot to learn”.  You would have thought that they would have chosen a candidate that didn’t need full on schooling to do the job.  But they nominated and elected this reality TV bozo who is dumber than a box of rocks!

The people of America, the majority of us, are NOT in agreement with Trump.  He was NOT elected by popular vote.  The election was compromised by the Russians, and it was stolen.  This is unprecedented in American history, and we do not know how to deal with it at all.  We protest, we speak out, we protest some more, there have been riots, and confrontations.   Hate crimes here are on the rise…they are happening daily now.  It has become a hostile atmosphere.  Trump and his crooked Republican constituents are WRECKING America day by day.  They are trying to keep the press from reporting, trying to keep people from exercising their right to freedom of speech (which is protected by our First Amendment – something that Trump wants to change)  and trying to restrict our freedom to peacefully protest.

It’s only been 139 days….God help us. I pray that more brave souls like James Comey and the woman who leaked the RSA document, Liberty Leigh Winner, will come forward and be as patriotic as these two have been.  I hope we can survive this horrible corruption of our government, and attacks on our personal freedoms before it is too late.  And most of all I hope that we can all stand together, united, and weather this storm.

With any luck Trump will find a conscience and resign.

Peace.  ~MB