Gardens & Vaping Again…

So I woke up to my alarm at 6am this morning and got up.  It’s set for 6am to remind me to get up for work days, plus to take my am medications.  Even on Saturdays and Sundays I tend to just get up when it goes off, even though I don’t have to work.  I’m not one to sleep in late days, I have too much going on in my head from the moment that I wake up in the morning until I find my way back to sleep at night.  Lately I’ve been taking something to help me fall asleep because I’ve been too ramped up when it’s time to sleep to do so.

So anyways, I got up early, got dressed and fed the dogs.  I wandered around my house for about an hour drinking coffee and having my morning smokes. I wasn’t real sure of what to do with myself at that early hour, but then it dawned on me that Home Depot opens at 6am….so I put the dogs’ new rainbow collars on them (Dad bought the rainbow collars for them at the Strawberry Festival back in June).  Once the collars were on they were very excited because that generally means they are going for a ride in the truck.  And they LOVE to ride with me where ever I go.

I drove over to Home Depot in Somersworth New Hampshire — just got to love living right next to a tax-free state like NH.  My intentions were to look at lumber to build my work bench with in the shed.  But I got distracted too easily by the clearance they were having on perennial plants in the garden center.  I ended up with five new perennials for my garden.  I got two different coreopsis plants, one all yellow and one yellow flowers with red centers.  Those will spread quite nicely and return every year and they flower for a long period of time generally.  I got two types of brown eyed Susans, one lower growing bush and one higher grower.  The last plant I got was a huge bleeding heart – which is one of my favorite plants of all.  Of course, it’s gone by for this year but the plant was huge and magnificently healthy, so I planted it with the thought that next year I will have a nice big bush of bleeding hearts come late spring.  Here are the plants I put in today.

Maybe it’s not so Butch to like to plant flower gardens, but who cares, I love it. It’s just a relaxing and rewarding activity that I enjoy immensely.

The vegetable garden has gone insane.  It’s just fucking huge.  And we are cultivating pumpkins finally!  There are several of them in various sizes growing now.  Thus far we have gotten tons of summer squash, zucchini, and cucumbers and basil out of it.  There are loads of various types of tomatoes growing, but they are not yet ripe to eat.  I don’t know why I grow tomatoes because I don’t really like them except in salsa and bruschetta.  I made sure I grew a Roma tomato bush because those are the kind that I like with my bruschetta.  I will probably also try to make some salsa since we have so much basil and so many tomatoes.  I do know it’s going to be a helluva clean up of that garden when it goes by this fall.  Here is the veggie garden, as you can see it’s far outgrown it’s borders.  It’s a raised bed garden, and evidently the soil we bought to fill it was pretty damned fertile!

Other than gardening today I haven’t tackled any other projects yet.  I’m feeling a bit “off” today, just not with it.  I have a lot of shit on my mind, things I have to get done, things that need my undivided attention but just aren’t going to get it today….ok, so I did find the energy to go and pick up a gazebo frame that a friend of mine was giving me.  I got it here and I think I am missing 2 pieces to put it together….I’m going to check back in his garage and make sure they didn’t get left behind.  If I can’t find them then I am going to make those pieces out of either some PVC or some one-by stock.  Plus I need nuts and bolts to put it together, those obviously didn’t get saved when they took it down.  Neither did the canopy, which I can buy online easy enough, they have many available in universal fits.  This ought to be fun to see how it comes out.  I’d love to have a nice gazebo in my backyard with some screen sides I can put down at night so that we can sit outside and play cards or just chill.  Well, guess I am halfway to that at this point, just need to find the rest of the pieces or make them!

I got my vaping stuff back out and have been using the vape in between smoking cigarettes.  It does keep me cut down on my regular smoking habit, plus I love the taste o some of the e-liquids I have on hand, like the Kilo Dewberry Cream and the Kilo Cereal Milk.  There’s one called Blind Date that’s not bad either.  Now the last time I tried switching to vaping I ended up with blood poisoning and in the hospital (back in June) and I put it down then.  But that’s not what caused me to get sick, so why not try it again.  I could be saving so much more money if I could get totally switched over to vaping.  I wouldn’t be buying expensive cigarettes.  And the e-liquid or vaping juice is much cheaper.  I’m trying desperately to save some money for a good used truck and to move Kat up here.  Two big expenses….I hate money, it just complicates things so much.

I would work more, but the government would take away my disability benefits, and my health insurance…and without that I would be dead in a matter of time.  I depend on my health insurance to cover the medications that I take for HIV, which are very very expensive.  Plus I just can’t work a 40 hour week anymore, it does me in and I get sick every time I try it.  So I depend on those benefits to survive.  But it sucks because it means living on a limited – very limited – income and that makes it very difficult to save funds.  My fund raising page is doing pretty good, a few very good friends have pitched in to help me with my goal of raising enough money to buy a decent used truck.  I am hopeful that the fund will keep growing!  I thank everyone who has pitched in thus far, you don’t know how much it really means to me.  I’ve never been one to ask for help like this, it’s totally new to me, but I helped a friend who was in dire straits once with a fund raiser and I thought what the heck, I can ask for a little help too.  Sounds awful, huh?  Oh well.

The heat wave sort of broke a little bit today, it wasn’t as humid outside at all. When I got up this morning I actually had to put on a sweatshirt for a while as it was a bit chilly even.  It warmed up to a nice even temperature and NO humidity all day, what a relief!

3:30am…I can’t sleep anymore tonight, I’m just wide awake.  Insomnia strikes again.  I did sleep from about 9:30 last night til about 3am, so I think I got plenty of rest. My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts.  Oh…and it’s raining!  Yes!  We need rain so badly, I’m glad to see it finally raining.  I woke up and realized I never posted this tonight.  Ah, my bad.

Hey, here is the picture of the cool bird nest that I found in that straggly old bush I took down the other day:

 

 

Thirsty Thursday

It’s been unbearably hot here in Maine this month, and we haven’t gotten any measurable amount of rain at all.  My lawn is brown and dry….I don’t know why I continue to mow and trim just to cause a dust storm in the process, other than that the place looks great.  Yesterday I worked outside in the scalding heat for about 4 hours doing yard work.  My buddy Tyler came by and helped me.  We removed one of the big overgrown bushes in the front of the house, chainsaw and muscle it came down and we dragged the remnants up into the woods behind the house for disposal.  I found this very cool bird’s nest made of mud and sticks in that old nasty bush.  It’s very cool and really well made, birds are amazing construction creatures.

So here’s the result of our work yesterday.  Next to come down are the two bushes to the left side of the photograph.

I am really pleased with being rid of that horrendous bush, and will be happy when the others are also gone.  I am planning to plant a row of globe arborvitae’s along there, and do some flower beds as well.  The forcythia bush to the right is going to be trimmed up to a globe shape.  I’m going to wait for this humidity to break before I attempt to tackle the rest, it’s just too brutal sweating to death in this heat right now to continue to break my back getting this done.

I’ve been catching some of the DNC on TV, and I have to say it’s amazing to watch history being made, i.e. a woman being nominated to run for President.  But, I am not as excited as I was 8 years ago when Barrack Obama was running and I was squarely behind him and voted for him.  I just cannot get excited about this current election, it’s just not in me.  The fact that Donald dickhead Trump is even on the ticket makes me sick to my stomach.  The possibility that he could be the leader of this country is so ludicrous it isn’t even funny.  It will surely be one nasty election campaign on both sides.  How can it NOT be?

I’ve been trying to figure out how to come up with the cash for another vehicle, but at the same time I also need to be figuring out how to get my girl up here to live with me in Maine.  Her circumstances there in VA are not ideal at all…she’s under a considerable amount of personal stress and strain, and she has a heart condition, so I worry like crazy.  I’d like very much to have her living with me again.  It would just be the best thing for both of us.  So, I am trying to save for moving her up here, and trying to save for another vehicle because come October mine is off the road permanently.  I did start a “Go Fund Me” page, and I’ve raised $100 in donations so far.  Here’s the link: My Fund Raising Page

I have also been selling items on Ebay and in the Seacoast Online Yard Sale page on Facebook, and that is going fairly well.  Every penny counts so much right now.  It’s just a bitch trying to make ends meet.  I wish I could work full time, but that’s not a possibility so I try not to think about it and do the best I can with what I have. I have budgeted everything to the penny, and I will reach my goals just give me some time.  I’ll get her up here and will hopefully have a good used truck to get around in by October.  I don’t need anything fancy, just a small pick up that will pass the state inspection and has 4 good tires.  I like to have a truck because of all the hauling around of stuff that I do with my buying and selling stuff to supplement my income.  I can’t be without wheels, I have to be able to get to the doctors and the hospital and stuff.  And where I live there is no public transportation at all.  It’s too rural and spread out.  So that’s not an option.  I can find a decent used truck for about $2,500. so that’s what my plan is, and that’s what I am trying got save and raise money to get.

I can’t believe it’s been almost 2 years now since I had my chest surgery.  I’m still pleased as hell with the results.  August 18th will mark two years.  The scars are visible, but I don’t mind them at all.  For anyone else who is considering this type of surgery I say if you aren’t attached to your boobs, they bother you or you have dysphoria about them then go for it.  I know it made a world of difference to me, my dysphoria is now just about non-existent.  I feel so much better about myself.  Boobs just never suited me, I’m much happier without them.

Well, that’s all for tonight.  I’m a bit sore from working yesterday, my calves are hurting me and I want to lay down and watch some TV and rest for the night.  Nola and Lulu are already crashed out, they seem to want to go to bed nights around 8pm.  Lazy dogs.  I hope you are all doing well my friendly readers!

Peace!    ~MB

 

 

 

 

Love

Love is just a giant little word.  One I am afraid of and have really only said and meant a very few times in my life.  Sure, there is platonic love like how you love a friend for being a friend, or parental love as in how we love our parents.  But there is also a thing called romantic love.  Romantic love is what I speak of here.  I have an issue with it evidently.   When I was younger and more outgoing I chased after love like it was an intoxicator that I just had to have to breath; to live.  But now in my older age here I do far less chasing after this type of love.

Currently I am in a long distance relationship with my lover from Virginia.  Long distance love just sucks when what you crave is the daily touch of another human being.  I want her hands on my body, her kiss upon my lips.  I want the sigh of a woman in my ear.  Distance just keeps all of this from me in a way that feels so cruel and stinging.

Love is one of those emotions I used to try to steer clear of for a few of the more recent years.  I don’t feel like I am very easy to understand for most people, therefore not very loveable to them either.  My exterior is a bit on the harder, rough side and I can be quite stoic in my emotions.  But believe me when I do crack and cry the tears flow like rivers.  It’s not that I mean to be sort of shut down sometimes, but I often am afraid of what to say and don’t want to make mistakes by saying the wrong things.  I tend to speak my mind and that’s not always a good thing I have learned.

Love is a very personal thing for me.  It never has come easy.  I am wary of being burned and thus I take my time with someone.  I have to know that the person loves me that same way that I love her.  I’m a very chivalrous type of Butch, I like to do things that some consider to be male attributes, like pull out her chair, open her car door and entry doors to buildings.  I believe it’s very easy to be kind and chivilrous at the same time.  I’m also one who likes to take care of my woman, make sure she’s happy and contented.  The happier the wife the happier the life!  And that is one very true statement.  And the happier she is the happier I can also be.

As you can see from this post Love has been on my mind heavily lately.  I’m hungry for the touch of another body, and for some ah-mazing sex.  But alas I remain alone here and committed to the path I am walking right now.

Peace!  ~MB

Little Things and Memories

It’s the littlest things that bother me, water on the floor, toothpaste squished wrong, and bugs in the house.  An unkept house, dishes in the sink, and mad piles of laundry will send me into a fit.  I like things to be clean, neat and organized.  It’s simple to me.  It’s easy.  I keep my space clean and neat and don’t see how it’s so hard for some others.

I’ve been going through all of my pictures in my computer.  Man, there are thousands. Some I know can go in the shitter, they are either people who don’t talk to me anymore or care about me in any way or people I don’t care to associate with any longer.  Then there are the “goof” pics, mistakes.  I am finding that I use photography for a range of things.  To document something like the blooming of the Asian Spider Lily or construction of the new bridge.  I also like to take pictures that represent where I live, lobsters, lighthouses, beaches, etc.  I never seem to print many out though.  So yesterday I spend some time printing a few select photos out. Some I will send to people, and some I will frame.

I’ve been fighting the system lately.  They’re trying to take away my insurance benefits which I NEED badly to help pay for my slew of HIV medications.  It seems that the job I have is interfering in that I was making too much to qualify for the benefits.  I have a case worker who visited me on Friday and she is going to try to intervene on my behalf

I have to say I am very healthy once again.  The scare I had in late May into June was a real wake up call for me.  No more drug holidays or illicit drug use.  I’ve managed to survive for 25 years now with HIV and HEPC in my system.  It’s through the wonders of modern medicine that I am alive and well. I have a great support system, good family, great friends and superior doctors and medical team.  I’m lucky and blessed.

I’ve been focused on staying healthy.  My weight is down around 125 now and I feel good at this lighter weight.  I’ve had to sort through my clothing because alot of it didn’t fit anymore.  I bought some new jeans the other day that do fit and feel right.  I am still the most comfortable days in my jeans and t-shirts at this time of year.  Occasionally I will wear cargo shorts if I am feeling froggy.  I’m just a simple kind of Butch, one that doesn’t need a lot of pomp and circumstance when it comes to clothing.  I like well made jeans, like Aeorpostale, Hollister, Levi’s and soft cotton t-shirts.  Finished off with a good pair of work boots, I am ready to roll.

It’s another really hot day here.  It’s been in the 90’s lately with very high humidity.  All you do is sweat when you go outside.   I’ve been hibernating a little bit in here with my air conditioning.  I have two units in the house, one in the front of the house cooling the living room and kitcen and one in the rear cooling my bedroom and office.  Plus I have a fan going here in the office.

When it cools down a bit here, probably toward late August at the rate we are going, I am going to be doing some major work in my outside shed.  I have drawn up plans to build a nice work bench for gardening and woodworking and am going to put in shelves and the such for storage.  I am anxious to get to the project, but the weather is just too damned hot right now.  I did have a yard sale last weekend and got rid of most of the junk and stuff I didn’t want that was in there.  So I have plenty of space to work now.

The garden has gone insane.  It’s producing all kinds of stuff.  I have zucchini, summer squash, cucumbers, basil and tomatoes galore.  There are pumpkins growing and the water melon plant is growing but struggling, and has yet to indicate that it is going to grow a water melon.   Charlie picked me one of the blossoms from the Asian Spider Lily, it’s in a cup of water here next to me in my office.  The fragrance is so light and pretty.  Such an interesting lily it is.  Delicate.  He’s going to give me one of the bulbs from it, which I hope to make grow.

Wow, it’s just been a boring and lazy day. Writing this blog has seemed to have taken me all day, I have just been poking at it when I felt like it.  I’ve spent a good part of my day here in my office puttering with things, doing paperwork and organizing. I just find myself really bored lately.

Next weekend is the annual Tractor Show at the Raitt Farm in Eliot.  I enjoy going to that every year and seeing all the tractors, the parade, and the vendors.

I was thinking today, as I browsed through some of the photos of people I have known in my life that it’s a good thing that memories fade.  The hurt fades and you get over it.  I came across a couple of photos of people who I had seriously really cared for deeply and who I was hurt by in the end.  Now I don’t even recall that hurt, other than I don’t want to feel that way again.  I’m sure I wasn’t entirely innocent, I’m sure I said things that were not called for too, but it’s just a good thing that the brain makes these things fade away and become non-issues at some point.  Into the trash folder those pictures shall go.  If they don’t wish to continue to be in my life on any platform, then so be it.  I don’t need the memories.

 

Asian Spider Lily in Bloom

Check out this amazing flower, it’s an Asian Spider Lily and blooms very rarely, and only at sunset when it decides to do so.  

My neighbor, Charlie, owns the plant and it’s in a pot out in our garden, where the conditions must have been just right this season for it to decide to produce these delicate blossoms. The fragrance is very light and sweet.  We all stood and watched the blossom open last night around sunset.  It was utterly amazing.  The plant has been in Charlie’s family for over 100 years.

 

Week’s Re-Cap

It’s officially mid-July…the dog days of summer are upon us, as the humidity is wicked high here and it’s just plain hot.  As in sweltering hot.  Dripping sweat hot.  I’m a head sweater.  My head sweats more than any other part of my body, thus my crew cut hair is always soaked it seems.  Now, it could be winter so I am not complaining here, just remarking about this heat wave we are having here in the Northeast.  Been going on a couple of weeks now, and I’m ready for some days of rain and cooler temperatures.

So I guess it’s a lock in on who our candidates for the next POTUS will be.  We’ve got the idiot Donald and the criminal Hillary.  It’s going to be a blood bath of an election season, I can just imagine — or maybe I can’t imagine –what this is going to be like.  We are living in very historic times here, a woman running for President against a reality show imbecile.  Yup, historic alright.  For the sake of having to pick the lesser of the two evils I will probably be voting for the Democrat, as much as it will hurt my soul to check that friggin box on the ballot, I don’t feel like I have any choice.  I want a politician who understands politics and foreign policy, domestic policy and international affairs not someone who speaks to the American people like we are lesser than and who uses the most inappropriate language to do so.  He is about hate and discontent, I’d rather cut off my left big toe than see him in office as our POTUS.  Go ahead, rave at me.  Donald sucks.

I heard there was another mass shooting of police officers in Baton Rouge today, possibly 3 dead and 3 injured from what I caught briefly on the news blip.  Law enforcement must seriously feel that they are in a war for their lives nowadays.  I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a cop with all that is going on in this country and with the hatred towards them.  Hell, even I am afraid to be stopped by the cops now, it’s just scary.  Like I said in my last blog, I don’t fully understand what is going on all I know is that cops are dropping like flies, and so are black men.

I’ve basically been up to the same stuff.  Living quietly in Maine and minding my own business.  It’s been a good summer.  I’ve attended several great pool parties and had a good time.  My garden is growing like mad and it’s starting to produce edible vegetables.  I harvested my first zucchini from it yesterday.  We also got some cucumbers and a squash that was ready.  And basil has been being used regularly to make great pesto and to enhance spaghetti sauce.  It’s been a good year with the garden for sure.

We had a yard sale here in the park yesterday.  I managed to unload a bunch of stuff I no longer needed/wanted and made a few bucks doing it.  It was a lot of work though getting stuff together, hauling it all out there, setting up, then breaking down and sifting through the remaining stuff for what I needed to keep for future sale and what I was donating to the local thrift shop.  Got to love that you can get rid of good, useable stuff at the local thrift store and someone else will be able to use it.  One man’s junk is another man’s treasure, so they say.  Of course, we still don’t know who “they” is, but whatever.  🙂

I’m working my  4 day weeks.  Haven’t missed a day since I went back after being so sick in June. Feels great to work, I enjoy it still.  I am finding that it’s quite the gossip joint though. Some of the other employees love to gossip.  I steer as clear of that crap as possible, it’s just stupid in my opinion.  Plus it can cause some serious issues sometimes.  I believe that unless you know for sure what you are talking about then keep your mouth shut.

Ok, I need to get moving here and do something productive.  It’s early evening and the temperature is dropping a little, feels mighty good to me.  I guess I can turn off the air conditioning units for a while and save on some electricity.  I don’t care to be paying Central Maine Power any more than absolutely necessary!

I hope you all are having a great summer and that you stay safe.  Peace!  ~MB

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Recap of My Week….thoughts

It seemed to be a week of tragic loss.  I had a friend pass away from cancer; his daughter posted the most loving last photos of him and her together that brought tears to my eyes.  But his suffering is over now, he’s no longer lingering in severe pain and hopefully he is at peace with his creator.

Then we had this horrible incident in Dallas that brought great loss to a community as well as to the families of the 5 murdered police officers.  All of this violence here really is out of control.  We have so much racial strife here at this time that it’s really sad and scary.  I don’t understand it one bit.  It’s such a redundant question: Why can’t we all get along? There is no real answer to it.  We just don’t seem to be able to do it.  And this war between the black population of this country and the law enforcement of it is just way out of control.  It feels like an “eye for an eye” sort of mentality has emerged, the police kill another black man and then a police officer or two are killed….over and over it’s happening.  Where does it stop?  How do we get to a point of peace?

I am not one to speak on racial issues really.  I grew up and live in a very white part of America. It’s impossible for me to imagine what it’s like to live in a more racially diverse area such as Atlanta, Baton Rouge or Texas.  Here the population is predominantly white.  We do have immigrants from various places who come to Maine from war torn lands far way, such as Somolia.  But they seem to stick together in pockets, separating themselves in many ways.  I don’t understand that either.  It’s just very foreign to me.

My experience with the melting pot of American culture was when I was in the Army.  There we had all different races and ethnicities, all different religions and kinds of people mixed together serving this country.  We all took the same oath and we all seemed to get along pretty well as far as I saw.   The color of someones’ skin never mattered to me.  People are people, regardless of their race or religion in my world.  I know I am jaded, I just don’t have the experience necessary to properly see the real problems.

It makes me sad and angry at the same time that we are in such a cycle of violence.  People are arguing and fighting about whose lives “matter” when in reality all lives should matter and be counted.  Rich, poor, black, white, whoever!!!  We all should matter.  And no life is more valuable or less valuable than any other.  At least that’s how I see it.

….It’s a cool and rainy day here today.  The afternoon sea breeze is just starting.  I have been cleaning out my house, de-junking, and getting ready for our park-wide yard sale next Saturday.  I hope to slim down the load a bit, get rid of things that I just don’t need, use or want anymore.  It feels good to clean through stuff, examine what I have and decide if I need it or not.  I’ve gone through all of the closets, where we hide things away, and organized them nicely once I was through cleaning out stuff that needs to go.  It seems like a meanial task, but it has to be done periodically.  This will be the 2nd yard sale I have participated in this season, the first was at my sister’s and I had to haul the stuff over there, this one is going to be right here at my place.  I plan to set up in front of my shed – which is where the bulk of stuff that I am getting rid of is currently being stored.

Once this yard sale is over I will donate what is left over to one of the local thrift shops, keeping the more valuable stuff to sell later.  Like the lawn mower and trimmer that I have that I don’t need any longer.  Who needs TWO lawn mowers???  And the trimmer is a gas powered Craftsman, very nice trimmer, but it’s so heavy.  I want to purchase a nice light weight battery powered one like my Mom has.  It will be so much easier to use.

After all of that is gone I am planning to build a nice work bench in the shed.  My shed is very large, like 8′ wide by 12′ long.  It needs a work bench and shelving to store my tools and hardware.  I bought some big hooks the other day for hanging my heavy duty extension cords and larger tools.

Here are some photos of my vegetable garden.  It’s really taken off and is growing very good.  My neighbor, Charlie, and I put it together between our two properties and we share in weeding and tending it.  I am looking forward to an abundance of tomatoes and squash, zuchini, basil and pumpkins!  As well as string beans – both green and yellow and bell peppers.  This year was kind of a trial run with it, next year we will have more in it and will organize it a bit better.  I think we wasted a lot of space in it this season as we didn’t really know what we were doing when we started planting things!  But it came out nice anyways and we will have plenty of fresh veggies!

I hope you are all having a safe and nice weekend.  Be kind to one another, it’s the only way to be!  Peace.  ~MB