Ugly Women and TED Talks

Whoa, I slept all of Saturday away!  I must have needed it, or my body wouldn’t have wanted all that sleep!  Seriously, I never woke up til 11:30, and then I laid back down and woke up again at 2:30pm this afternoon.  I stayed up only because I had to go out and get smokes. I am trying a new brand, American Spirit greens.  They’re organic cigarettes…doesn’t that sound a little fucked up?  “Organic” cigarettes?  Like they are supposed to be good for you if they are organic?  LMFAO….yeah, right. I had a coupon that the American Spirit representative that stopped in to our store last week had given me for 2 packs for 2 bucks…almost free ciggs, so I couldn’t pass it up.  Anyways, grabbed 2 packs today of the green menthols.  I normally smoke Newport Smooths, in the black pack, and I like them – a lot.  These were supposed to be similar, but I think the dark greens are probably closer to what I am looking for in strength and taste.  Oh well, try them next time.   In the meantime I will keep these I got today and use them for back up for when I run out of my regular smokes. I know I should quit…don’t even go there telling me so please. It’s my last bastion of rebellion…my smokes.

I’ve always said – usually kiddingly, but there is some sincerity in it – that I don’t date ugly women.  I just don’t do it.  I think that all women have beauty, whether it’s in their exterior looks or in their interior beautiful hearts.  There is no such thing as an ugly woman…unless you go to Walmart on a Saturday morning and see the fools in their yoga pants and tent style t-shirts with camel toe or ass crack showing.  Even they are not “ugly” just really really really stupid.  And obviously they don’t have any friends who are willing to tell them how outrageously stupid they look in that garb – in a public place!  Hell I wouldn’t even understand it in a private setting!  But hey, we’ve all seen the outrageous People of Walmart web pages and it’s true, people will go out looking quite foolish and not seem bothered by it one bit.

Me? I have to look normal when I leave my house.  I will NOT wear pajamas out of the house.  I know some people will go to the store wearing their pajama bottoms and slippers but i just can’t do it. If I have to go up to the store and I am sitting around in my leisure clothes I will get up and get fully dressed in jeans and boots before I go out that door.  I’m not looking like a fool and making the People of Walmart page!  HAHAHAHA   The house would have to be on fire for me to leave it in my pajamas.

I’ve dated some knock out gorgeous babes in my day.  I’ve been extremely fortunate in that respect.  I’ve also dated some seriously smart women – those are my favorites!  A woman who can carry on an intelligent conversation will win me over every time.  It’s like I am attracted to the nerds mostly.  The librarian types are right up my alley. Yes, I just love the smart ones!

I had a young woman write to me today about Brene’ Brown’s TED Talk on Vulnerability. I’ve spoken about that talk before in past blogs. I just love it. I’ll add a link at the end of this blog for those wanting to check it out.  It is an outstanding piece.  Anyways this young woman said:

“I just had to watch this TED talks video by Bene Brown on Vulnerability for one of my grad school classes and it made me think of you! Like you are a perfect embodiment of that entire discussion. I know you’ve seen it cause I remember you mentioning it. I loved how she talked about vulnerability not a weakness, but actually being our most accurate measurement of courage. I instantly thought about you and your blog and videos and how you have the courage to put yourself out in the world and to allow yourself to be so vulnerable. I also liked how she defined courage as telling the story of who you are with your whole heart. That’s exactly what you do. You might be one of the most courageous people I know.
Whenever you’re feeling down and think you don’t matter to the world, I want you to know that you do. You are making a difference in the lives of many people you don’t even know about. All just by being you.
You inspire me. And you inspire the world.”

I was quite honored by her words.  It amazes me when I get emails like this that tell me that I am inspiring someone or that my blogs or videos are helping some young LGBT person, or hell some old one too!  I just write from my heart. Sometimes I address topics that are on my mind, sometimes it’s just me rambling.  I truly believe that we change the world one person at a time.

Here is the TED Talk by Brene’  The Power of Vulnerability 

Peace & Love



Friday night rambles…

It’s Friday and the week is over!  My weekend has just begun.  I got off work today a couple of hours later than usual because the place was short handed due to people calling out so they needed me to stay a couple extra hours. I didn’t mind at all. I like my job, I like the people and don’t mind helping out extra when needed.  It actually feels good to be needed! Even if it is only by work!

Had dinner with my parents tonight. That is always interesting. I never know what kind of mood my Dad will be in, good or bad.  Tonight he was in a pretty good mood, thankfully. Because when he’s in a bad mood I hate being around him and I never stay that long if he’s ugly for any reason.  That’s what we call it when you are in a bad mood, you are being ugly.  Maybe it’s just a Maine saying, I’m not sure, its one of those word mysteries.

My parents are growing older.  Dad just turned 75. He’s in great shape and works still, hasn’t seemed to have slowed down much at all.  They are both very active.  Mom especially so, she’s a sharp as a whip and is always on the go.  I continue to live here in Maine partly because I thought that as they got older that they would need me around to help out more.  Turns out that I need them more than they need me!  They are just amazing and still happily married after almost 55 years – it will be 55 years this coming June.  It’s cool to have meals with them and to talk about everything.  They are still the center of the family; we all still gravitate toward them and their house for family gatherings and get togethers.

They just bought this new home that they are in back in August and it’s got a great in-ground pool.  We’ve always had inground pools in the family as my family’s business is building and servicing swimming pools – the family owns a pool company with multiple locations in New Hampshire that serve southern Maine and coastal New Hampshire.  It’s a great business and I worked in the industry alongside my father and brother for 22 years myself.  When I was with my long term ex I even built her an in-ground pool one year at our farm.  So it’s great that Mom and Dad have this new place with a pool that I will be welcome to hang out around this coming summer!  I’m looking forward to it very much.  I can just picture getting off of work days, coming home and getting the dogs and going over to Mom’s to chill around the pool and bask in the sunshine.  It will be heavenly I am sure.  That’s how I plan to spend this coming summer anyways!!!

Work was good this week.  I really kinda like this job.  It’s relaxed enough and yet fast paced enough to keep me busy and I am always happiest when I am busy doing something.  I’ve been running into a lot of old friends from around town in there.  They stop for morning coffee and pastries, or to fill up on gasoline.  I have also made some new friends of my co-workers and of some of the customers.  They’re all pretty nice people I am finding.  Some come to work crabby and I try to cheer them up…which works on occasion, but I find that if someone is coming to work with an attitude that they are just setting themselves up to have a bad day.  And I can see how one would be miserable at this job if they don’t like it much.  So I am glad that I like it as I do.  hell, I have even met a couple of my Facebook friends in there and also someone who reads my blogs!

On another kind of note.  I’ve had to weed out some people from my life again lately. It seems that I don’t learn or I trust too much to begin with.  Like, I had one “friend” who decided to un-friend me this last week because I wouldn’t email her every damned day. I am too fucking busy and occupied with my life to be emailing a friend every day — and hell about what?  I can only figure that she is really lonely and needed more attention than I could give her as a friend.  Am I wrong?  Does being a friend in today’s world of technology mean that you have to be in constant contact?  I’ve never been in constant contact with anyone unless I was more than a “friend” with the person, in which case I can see more contact and would expect it in return.  And hell, my best friend and I live across the country from one another.  We talk on the phone about 3 times a year, we email maybe 3 more times and text a hand full of times…we don’t need daily contact to be secure in the fact that we are great friends to one another and we are both there for each other if a crisis arises and we are needed.  Ya see, we also both lead very different lives in very different places, all of which factors into how much we are in touch with one another.  I just don’t have time to be spieling off emails every day.

Either you are secure in my friendship or you are not.  If you are not then just don’t bother me.  If you are then great, I’m sure we’ll touch base when we can and when we want to or need to do so.  And it’s not a failure if a friendship doesn’t work out, not all of them will and that’s to be expected. I’ve had many friends over the decades of my life that I don’t hear from nowadays.  Life moves on and sometimes we go out in our own directions.  If our paths cross again then great!






Those Darned Definitions…

cropped-cropped-cropped-001.jpgMan!  Has language changed some radically since I’ve been walking this green earth.  Daily I am surprised by the “new” use of “old” words; the newer definitions and meanings of some.  Start with the word we all know and use in a zillion different ways:  Queer.  Now we know the dictionary meaning to be “odd or unusual” to be short.  But then we all know the meaning when it’s used to describe someone’s sexual preference for the same sex…i.e. “He/she is queer as a three dollar bill.”  meaning that he/she is gay…another word…Gay….now that is supposed to mean “happy and joyful” by the dictionary, but when used to describe me it means I like pussy, and I’m a bit queer.

Today’s LGBT world (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender, for those who may not really know what the letters represent, seriously.)  Yes, where was I …in today’s world we are constantly changing up language.  It’s a far cry from what it was like in the 70’s when I was growing up.  Or the 80’s when I was just coming out and defying the world with my gayness.

There are so many words now to describe or to define who one is in the world.  I could not possibly do justice to all of them here, but I will take a stab at a few of the more common ones just for fun.

There’s the all famous Butch.  The definition of Butch varies so widely now that I am not sure if I am even still Butch!  Hell, it seemed easy when I finally did define myself as such, it felt wholesome and right.  I was a masculine presenting woman.  Butch.  It is my identity, my definition of me.  But what it means to me and what it means to other people can really be confusingly different.  I define Butch for myself as a masculine woman.  A woman who is more comfortable walking the masculine side of the binary, but who is not a man and does not necessarily want to be a man.  (Some people are convinced that all Butch women secretly just want to be men – both straight people and other LGBT people have been known to say this more than once).  I want to wear my jeans and workboots; flannel shirts are a must to my Butch wardrobe.  I don’t walk like a girl, or talk like one.  My voice is very deep, raspy and quite often mistaken for a male voice on the phone.  Plain and simple for me, it’s just how I was constructed by life.   I am a masculine woman, a Butch to the core.  Of course, this is just my definition and will certainly vary from yours or someone elses.

Femme is another widely varying word.  It’s gained some serious notoriety and popularity in the last 10 years I believe.  We have had the word Butch for so long and it’s been more popular for the last 100 years than I think Femme has been.  In my experience I didn’t really have a word for the type of women that I found super attractive until I discovered the word “Femme”.  To me Femme means a very feminine presenting woman.  A woman who revels in the glories of being very feminine appearing, acting and who is often attracted to her polar opposite – the Butch.  (I know this is not always the case, I am aware that Butch/Femme is only one dynamic, and that there are others, please don’t shoot me).

Now there are all these fun descriptive words that you can throw together with Butch and Femme.  There’s about 100 ways to be Butch or to dilute it, which ever you think is happening. Personally, I think the dilution factor is more of what is taking place.  Historically we know that the Butch-femme dynamic kind of started as a cover so that women could see one another  and appear to be a hetero couple…they were hiding from the law and society basically. There’s a LOT more to the history than this, I am seriously over simplifying here for brevity.

Today we have baby Butches, Tomboi Butches, Soft Butches, Hard Butches, Stone Butches, Daddi Butches, etc. etc.  I am sure I have missed a dozen or so other types here…but you should get the gist of where I am going with this. It’s a hard thing to just say Butch is Butch nowadays, because there are so many layers and depths to each “type”.  If you look in Wikipedia or do a Google search for any one of the types you are bound to come up with more reading than you probably need to get to the point.  You can be whatever you choose, and you can define it in any way you want along the squiggly line of the binary.

Same with the femmes, you have the high femmes, diva femmes, lipstick lesbians, queer femmes, and that list goes on and on as well.  I am not as familiar with it as I am with the Butch side of things, obviously and for obvious reasons.  All I know is that I really love femme women.  And the way they embody their femininity is up to each one of them, they can put on a baseball cap and pull the pony tail through the back and still be a diva femme.  It’s all in the attitude I have come to realize with femmes.  They have this great attitude about femininity and they revel in it.

Today’s younger crowd has a ton of other new words too that I just don’t understand.  I’ve come to the realization that I am too old for some of this new wording. But I want to learn!

Personally, I used to identify as a Stone Butch.  I am not so sure about seriously identifying with the “stone” part any longer.  I’m just not sure exactly what stone means to me now.  I know that I am not a “touch me not” Butch, as the word “stone” is supposed to imply in some circles.  I don’t care for some things; for some forms of touch, but I do like to be loved on quite a lot!  I enjoy sex, and sometimes I think the the inference to “stone” is that he/she is not someone who likes to be touched or who enjoys any kind of sexual touch.  I have to say I enjoy both.  While I have my limitations, and my boundaries that doesn’t negate the fact that I am human and need human interaction and touch.  Hell, I love sex.

Stone is a word that gets thrown around a lot more as I’ve noticed lately. I even see it in reference to “stone femmes” now, which I never encountered before say the last year or so.  I’m not sure of how that definition would read or what it would be.  Perhaps one of you readers have more information on this one, or some anecdotes to share on it.  I see it on Fetlife quite often and wonder about it.

So, these are my more random thoughts for today’s blog.  I was just pondering word-smithing and how radically language in the gay community has changed over the decades. Words seem to come into fashion and fade just as quickly sometimes.  It’s interesting as fuck.  You may see me write a bit more about this, perhaps from a more serious angle next time, tonight I am in a fun mood and wanted to keep it fairly light.

Rock on.





TED Talks 2016!

I love Ted Talks.  And the 2016 TED Talks are starting tomorrow, the theme is Dream.  It’s going to feature 65 speakers who will share their powerful and change provoking dreams.  I can’t wait to watch some of them.  I’m hoping that my favorite TED Talk speaker, Brene’ Brown is going to be in the line up!

“Over the next week, 65 speakers will share their dreams on the TED mainstage, in addition to 10 performers, 27 TED Fellows and 18 audience members, each a big idea worth spreading too. Check out the full speaker lineup. For the first time ever, you at home will get the chance to watch live and on the big screen — the Opening Night of the conference will be in cinemas across the US, Canada, Europe and Australia. Find out how to buy tickets. And as always, bookmark the TED Blog. We’ll be bringing you recaps of every talk given during the conference, plus a few special surprises too.” (Quoted from the TED Talk website.)

Frozen Maine

I feel like I haven’t written shit in weeks that is worth a crap.  But hey, I’m not writing for some prize, so it is what it is.

It’s so cold here that my water pipes to the kitchen have frozen, no water coming from the taps.  I’ve got a space heater under the sink trying desperately to thaw them out. I do suppose I will have to bundle up and brave the frigid cold temps and go under the house to where the problem most likely IS, and set up a heater there to thaw them, plus I may have to break out the blow dryer – which I keep to blow dry Lulu after her baths usually.  Somehow I must figure out how to unfreeze the pipe and get things flowing again.  The bathroom has the taps open and trickling so they wont’ follow suit and freeze too.  It is record cold here, like in the negatives.  Right now the site says it’s -5 degrees F.  SOME FUCKING COLD.

Work has been going good.  I actually miss going in on weekends!  They changed the uniforms to these UGLY blue smocks…I hate them.  So now we have to wear these smocks over whatever we are wearing – which for me will continue to be the red polo shirts and khaki pants.  I’ve also discovered that my feet hurt much less when I wear my Timberland Pro boots instead of the regular Timberlands.  Got to be something to do with the arch support, as my heels burn like mad after a few hours.

Ok, so I  have managed to get under the house to get one of the space heaters going I think.  We’ll see if it works.  I can’t get under where the kitchen plumbing is, and I may end up calling a plumber/repair man to get it unthawed, heat taped and insulated so this doesn’t happen again.  I kick myself because I should have thought to really look at the pipe situation in the fall during the buying process to make sure that this was not going to be an issue in cold weather.  I was told the pipes were heat taped, but obviously not all of them are or this would not be happening…..funny story, on the way back from the shed and getting the electric cord set up, I took a helluva header over the dog fence into the dogs’ yard…damned near landed in a dog bomb.  Funny shit…me splayed face first into the freezing snow, in below zero temps.  Good thing I can still get up on my own!  hahaha.

Also, I’ve been occupying my mind with fantasy a lot lately.  I find that I can have an extraordinary time in vivid lucid dreaming and the excitement that permeates those kinds of dreams  I’ve never been one who was good at fantasy, sure I could play a good cowboy as a kid, but I never got into superheros or fantasy figures or ideas at all.  The closest I have come is Lord of the Rings, a book series that I love beyond saying.  I have picked up some fantasy type books lately too, just not your PG titles.  I think imagination is good for the soul.  😉

My weekend is over now and I am going to be back into the work week in the morning.  Ugh Monday.  I am not and never have been a fan of Mondays, they just seem to be the most fucked up day of the week.  If anything can go wrong it will do it on a Monday.  I am going to go to bed and try to wake up happily on the right side of it tomorrow morning.  I really want to have a decent week.

Cha cha



Dogs Playing in the Snow

The dogs spent some time outside with me while I did snow clean up this morning.  Here are some pictures of them in the snow.  It was pretty.  Nola likes to burrow like a ground hog in it.  And it’s almost over Lulu’s head.  They had a great time playing while I worked.

Snowy Saturday Thoughts

It’s finally happening, the snow is coming.  Yesterday we got about 10 inches of nice fluffy white stuff.  So today was clean up day.  Luckily the snow wasn’t the heavy, water laden type and shoveled up pretty easily.  I got the drive way done by a friend last night, thank God because my back can’t take doing the whole thing by myself so I hire him to do the heaviest part then I go and do the edging and clean up to make it look pretty….gotta look nice ya know!  The fresh snow does look very pretty, all edging the trees and making things look clean and beautiful.  Too bad I hate it so damned much.

Work week went off without a hitch.  I’m definitely settled into the schedule now and liking it pretty good. Like I’ve said, I could not ask for a better schedule of hours or days!  It’s perfect for me.  I even ran into my brother that I never see in there yesterday and it was really great to see him.  He’s off doing his own life and hasn’t really got a strong connection to the rest of the family.  There are tons of reasons why, but that’s his business, not mine. I am just happy that I got to see him and he looks good and appears to be doing well.  he was on his way to a job site to do some work. He’s a self-employed doing wood floor refinishing and installations.  From what I hear he’s quite busy and in high demand right now.  Good for him.  He’s a good guy, I wish him all the best always.

Family dynamics can be exhausting sometimes. I know I come from a very large and well connected family.  We do make conscious efforts to stay close and to support one another. I live here in southern Maine simply to be closet to my biological family.  I’m very closet o my mother particularly. Yup, MainelyButch is a momma’s boi.  I admit it.  Without her guidance and her fortitude with me I would have been dead long ago I swear.  She’s been with me through some very rough stuff and has helped pull me through it.  This is a woman who would show up at the most inopportune places (for me anyways!) to drag me out of there and kick my ass.  Never did she waiver in her love for me, only did she offer the support and help that I needed – and then only if I was willing to do the work to change things.  She knew that without my desire to make the changes necessary – especially when I was addicted to drugs heavily – that her help was of no use.  I had to want to do it for myself in order to be successful.

My family is pretty equally split in genders, male and female.  And we are all very strong minded, opinionated people.  There are no wimps.  Just those that are less apt to say what’s on their mind than others.  For the most part we all speak up and get heard.  I like the honesty and the loyalty of my family.  It’s been a life saver for me during my own life for sure.

At one time I had a pretty extensive chosen family as well. When I was married to my partner for those 14 years we had a great and very close knit group that we spent most of our time with when we could.  I miss that terribly. But when you split up usually one of the two of you get the “friends” and the other is left to fend for themselves.  In my case that was me.  I let her go ahead and have the support of that extensive chosen family and I walked away quietly.  I figured if those people felt that they had to choose one of us over the other then they weren’t really my friends to begin with.  Plus, they all felt that I was the one in the wrong – and maybe I was – so I became the evil enemy to be shunned.  So be it.  While there are one or two that I particularly miss, for the most part I am just fine without those kinds of friendships.

Now a days I hang alone most of the time.  Me and my dogs.  I am a very open and friendly person and can make friends fairly easily.  It’s just that I haven’t had much opportunity to really make new friends – or i feel that I haven’t.  I’ve made more friends online than I have in real time for sure.  And I regard those friendships with just as much respect.

Sometimes I think that my honesty and truthfulness is just too much for most people to handle.  I don’t pussy foot around things, I say what I mean and I mean what I say in general.  I’m not one to coddle anyone.  If you need to be handled with kid-gloves, like a child, then I am not the friend for you.  I want adult conversations, adult relations and I’m not all into kittens and unicorns. That stuff bores me to death.  Maybe it’s my age, I’ve outgrown the cutesy stuff and want more mature friendships now.

I miss a couple of friends that I have had to sort of unfriend lately.  I miss the laughter and the funny conversations. I miss the endless conversations we had, and how we connected so seamlessly.  I miss that I could call in the middle of the night and she would be there to talk to me no matter what.  But sometimes you just have to cut the string and move on.  I guess she cut it kind of without telling me and moved on.  I haven’t heard from her in a while now and I don’t know what it was that I did wrong.  I hate when that happens, when someone disappears from your life and you never really know why.  It sucks.  At least if I knew why then I might possibly not do whatever it was I did in the future with someone else. There’s just no kind of closure on a silent leaving.

Then there’s another one I miss terribly because I fell in love with her so completely that it hurt to the core when she kicked me to the curb.  It still hurts.  You don’t just stop loving someone that deeply in a matter of weeks or months.  It takes a long time to get over that kind of deep feeling like I have for her.  But she has her own life far far away and I am here far away from her.  Without some serious initiative and work being put into the relationship by both of us it couldn’t work out.  I tried, I did.  And I’ve tried to be friendly toward her since, but it always just pisses her off, so I have learned to just leave her alone and try as I can to forget about her.  Still she’s on my mind every damned day.

So those are some of my current thoughts whirling around inside my head lately about family and friends.  Our relationships change, grow, some continue forever and some die out shortly.  It’s just the way of human interaction I believe.  What’s your take?