TED Talks 2016!

I love Ted Talks.  And the 2016 TED Talks are starting tomorrow, the theme is Dream.  It’s going to feature 65 speakers who will share their powerful and change provoking dreams.  I can’t wait to watch some of them.  I’m hoping that my favorite TED Talk speaker, Brene’ Brown is going to be in the line up!

“Over the next week, 65 speakers will share their dreams on the TED mainstage, in addition to 10 performers, 27 TED Fellows and 18 audience members, each a big idea worth spreading too. Check out the full speaker lineup. For the first time ever, you at home will get the chance to watch live and on the big screen — the Opening Night of the conference will be in cinemas across the US, Canada, Europe and Australia. Find out how to buy tickets. And as always, bookmark the TED Blog. We’ll be bringing you recaps of every talk given during the conference, plus a few special surprises too.” (Quoted from the TED Talk website.)

Frozen Maine

I feel like I haven’t written shit in weeks that is worth a crap.  But hey, I’m not writing for some prize, so it is what it is.

It’s so cold here that my water pipes to the kitchen have frozen, no water coming from the taps.  I’ve got a space heater under the sink trying desperately to thaw them out. I do suppose I will have to bundle up and brave the frigid cold temps and go under the house to where the problem most likely IS, and set up a heater there to thaw them, plus I may have to break out the blow dryer – which I keep to blow dry Lulu after her baths usually.  Somehow I must figure out how to unfreeze the pipe and get things flowing again.  The bathroom has the taps open and trickling so they wont’ follow suit and freeze too.  It is record cold here, like in the negatives.  Right now the weather.com site says it’s -5 degrees F.  SOME FUCKING COLD.

Work has been going good.  I actually miss going in on weekends!  They changed the uniforms to these UGLY blue smocks…I hate them.  So now we have to wear these smocks over whatever we are wearing – which for me will continue to be the red polo shirts and khaki pants.  I’ve also discovered that my feet hurt much less when I wear my Timberland Pro boots instead of the regular Timberlands.  Got to be something to do with the arch support, as my heels burn like mad after a few hours.

Ok, so I  have managed to get under the house to get one of the space heaters going I think.  We’ll see if it works.  I can’t get under where the kitchen plumbing is, and I may end up calling a plumber/repair man to get it unthawed, heat taped and insulated so this doesn’t happen again.  I kick myself because I should have thought to really look at the pipe situation in the fall during the buying process to make sure that this was not going to be an issue in cold weather.  I was told the pipes were heat taped, but obviously not all of them are or this would not be happening…..funny story, on the way back from the shed and getting the electric cord set up, I took a helluva header over the dog fence into the dogs’ yard…damned near landed in a dog bomb.  Funny shit…me splayed face first into the freezing snow, in below zero temps.  Good thing I can still get up on my own!  hahaha.

Also, I’ve been occupying my mind with fantasy a lot lately.  I find that I can have an extraordinary time in vivid lucid dreaming and the excitement that permeates those kinds of dreams  I’ve never been one who was good at fantasy, sure I could play a good cowboy as a kid, but I never got into superheros or fantasy figures or ideas at all.  The closest I have come is Lord of the Rings, a book series that I love beyond saying.  I have picked up some fantasy type books lately too, just not your PG titles.  I think imagination is good for the soul.  😉

My weekend is over now and I am going to be back into the work week in the morning.  Ugh Monday.  I am not and never have been a fan of Mondays, they just seem to be the most fucked up day of the week.  If anything can go wrong it will do it on a Monday.  I am going to go to bed and try to wake up happily on the right side of it tomorrow morning.  I really want to have a decent week.

Cha cha

~MB

 

Dogs Playing in the Snow

The dogs spent some time outside with me while I did snow clean up this morning.  Here are some pictures of them in the snow.  It was pretty.  Nola likes to burrow like a ground hog in it.  And it’s almost over Lulu’s head.  They had a great time playing while I worked.

Snowy Saturday Thoughts

It’s finally happening, the snow is coming.  Yesterday we got about 10 inches of nice fluffy white stuff.  So today was clean up day.  Luckily the snow wasn’t the heavy, water laden type and shoveled up pretty easily.  I got the drive way done by a friend last night, thank God because my back can’t take doing the whole thing by myself so I hire him to do the heaviest part then I go and do the edging and clean up to make it look pretty….gotta look nice ya know!  The fresh snow does look very pretty, all edging the trees and making things look clean and beautiful.  Too bad I hate it so damned much.

Work week went off without a hitch.  I’m definitely settled into the schedule now and liking it pretty good. Like I’ve said, I could not ask for a better schedule of hours or days!  It’s perfect for me.  I even ran into my brother that I never see in there yesterday and it was really great to see him.  He’s off doing his own life and hasn’t really got a strong connection to the rest of the family.  There are tons of reasons why, but that’s his business, not mine. I am just happy that I got to see him and he looks good and appears to be doing well.  he was on his way to a job site to do some work. He’s a self-employed doing wood floor refinishing and installations.  From what I hear he’s quite busy and in high demand right now.  Good for him.  He’s a good guy, I wish him all the best always.

Family dynamics can be exhausting sometimes. I know I come from a very large and well connected family.  We do make conscious efforts to stay close and to support one another. I live here in southern Maine simply to be closet to my biological family.  I’m very closet o my mother particularly. Yup, MainelyButch is a momma’s boi.  I admit it.  Without her guidance and her fortitude with me I would have been dead long ago I swear.  She’s been with me through some very rough stuff and has helped pull me through it.  This is a woman who would show up at the most inopportune places (for me anyways!) to drag me out of there and kick my ass.  Never did she waiver in her love for me, only did she offer the support and help that I needed – and then only if I was willing to do the work to change things.  She knew that without my desire to make the changes necessary – especially when I was addicted to drugs heavily – that her help was of no use.  I had to want to do it for myself in order to be successful.

My family is pretty equally split in genders, male and female.  And we are all very strong minded, opinionated people.  There are no wimps.  Just those that are less apt to say what’s on their mind than others.  For the most part we all speak up and get heard.  I like the honesty and the loyalty of my family.  It’s been a life saver for me during my own life for sure.

At one time I had a pretty extensive chosen family as well. When I was married to my partner for those 14 years we had a great and very close knit group that we spent most of our time with when we could.  I miss that terribly. But when you split up usually one of the two of you get the “friends” and the other is left to fend for themselves.  In my case that was me.  I let her go ahead and have the support of that extensive chosen family and I walked away quietly.  I figured if those people felt that they had to choose one of us over the other then they weren’t really my friends to begin with.  Plus, they all felt that I was the one in the wrong – and maybe I was – so I became the evil enemy to be shunned.  So be it.  While there are one or two that I particularly miss, for the most part I am just fine without those kinds of friendships.

Now a days I hang alone most of the time.  Me and my dogs.  I am a very open and friendly person and can make friends fairly easily.  It’s just that I haven’t had much opportunity to really make new friends – or i feel that I haven’t.  I’ve made more friends online than I have in real time for sure.  And I regard those friendships with just as much respect.

Sometimes I think that my honesty and truthfulness is just too much for most people to handle.  I don’t pussy foot around things, I say what I mean and I mean what I say in general.  I’m not one to coddle anyone.  If you need to be handled with kid-gloves, like a child, then I am not the friend for you.  I want adult conversations, adult relations and I’m not all into kittens and unicorns. That stuff bores me to death.  Maybe it’s my age, I’ve outgrown the cutesy stuff and want more mature friendships now.

I miss a couple of friends that I have had to sort of unfriend lately.  I miss the laughter and the funny conversations. I miss the endless conversations we had, and how we connected so seamlessly.  I miss that I could call in the middle of the night and she would be there to talk to me no matter what.  But sometimes you just have to cut the string and move on.  I guess she cut it kind of without telling me and moved on.  I haven’t heard from her in a while now and I don’t know what it was that I did wrong.  I hate when that happens, when someone disappears from your life and you never really know why.  It sucks.  At least if I knew why then I might possibly not do whatever it was I did in the future with someone else. There’s just no kind of closure on a silent leaving.

Then there’s another one I miss terribly because I fell in love with her so completely that it hurt to the core when she kicked me to the curb.  It still hurts.  You don’t just stop loving someone that deeply in a matter of weeks or months.  It takes a long time to get over that kind of deep feeling like I have for her.  But she has her own life far far away and I am here far away from her.  Without some serious initiative and work being put into the relationship by both of us it couldn’t work out.  I tried, I did.  And I’ve tried to be friendly toward her since, but it always just pisses her off, so I have learned to just leave her alone and try as I can to forget about her.  Still she’s on my mind every damned day.

So those are some of my current thoughts whirling around inside my head lately about family and friends.  Our relationships change, grow, some continue forever and some die out shortly.  It’s just the way of human interaction I believe.  What’s your take?

 

 

 

A Little Down Today…

Today has been a really down day.  I am filled with thoughts of stupid things, things that are wrong with me, or things that I am worried about.  I hate days like this, when your mind sort of takes control and your body feels heavy from all the thoughts.

I’m a boring fuck.  I live a very boring, ordinary life nowadays.  Long gone are the days of partying and excitement.  Long, long gone.  It takes quite a lot to get my attention even now.  I just feel stoic.  Nothing excites me much.  I’m not sure what the fuck is going on with me to tell the God’s honest truth.  I’m just in this super funk and don’t seem to be able to snap out of it today.  In general nothing is really wrong, I just feel out of it for some reason.

My life is your pretty standard kind of life.  My days are typical, filled with going to work mornings, tending to my dogs who depend on me for their mere existence, and hanging out at home watching TV, reading or writing when I am up to it.  Excitement to me lately is checking my email and finding emails that I am happy to read and respond to.

Maybe I am stating to catch a case of the mid-winter blahs.   At least I’m not being forced to shovel snow (knock on wood!) or drive on treacherous roads.  Our winter has been very mild compared to last year at this time.  There is NO snow on the ground here at my place, it’s all grass and bare ground.  And there’s nothing in the forecast that says we are going to get any any time soon. Good.  This makes me happy.

My job is going well.  I’m still happy to get up early and having my morning with the dogs before going out the door to the store.  I like the job, as stupid as it may be, I like it.  That’s all that counts I guess.  It’s good to have a place to go where people are depending on you to be there and to help out by doing your job.

I do think I am getting a cold.  I’ve been sniffley all day, with a stuffy nose and irritated throat.  I figured that once I exposed myself more to the public, like I am doing by working in the store every day, that I would be more apt to catch some of these little bugs that go around.  I wash my hands a lot in there, because I am handling money and we all know how nasty money is.  I just hope that it doesn’t turn into a full blown cold with all the coughing and wheezing and shit.  I don’t need that for sure.  I’m quite the baby when I get sick.  I’m not a good patient.  Good thing I live alone and don’t have anyone to bother when I am not feeling good.  I have to take care of myself, no matter how ill I am.

I had contacted the Attorney General about the truck I bought that I’ve had so much trouble with and which now is not even on the road because it won’t pass inspection.  I think I talked about this in past blogs…anyway, I filed a formal complaint with the AG because the dealership wouldn’t own up to any of it and they knew they fucked me over. So the AG’s office called me today, but I was working and didn’t take the call, but they left a number and want to talk to me about this complaint. I’m happy they are taking this seriously and may be able to help me resolve this issue with the truck.  I still owe a chunk of money on it and it’s stupid to be paying for a piece of junk that can’t even be driven.  I’m not sure what the resolution will be.  I’ve asked them to settle with the finance company.  The finance company also knows I got screwed, so they are willing to settle the loan for a much reduced rate.  I think the dealership should settle the loan with them for me.  It’s already cost me about $5k and a ton of headaches.

It’s a complicated situation, one that weighs on my mind heavily because I need a vehicle to get around and to get to and from work.  Right now I am still borrowing one of my younger brother’s shop trucks.  But he will need that back soon and I have to have something.  Now, I could replace the battery in the GMC and put two front tires on it and try driving it around until I got caught for not having the safety inspection sticker on the windshield.  It would be illegal and I would be risking heavy fines if I am caught, but it would get me around for a while and if I was very careful about when I drove and where I drove I could probably get a month or two out of doing that.  But the fact remains that the vehicle is not road worthy with the rotted frame and I would be taking a chance driving it.  Right now it’s sitting at a friend’s house with a dead battery.  The plates and sticker are all expired, I would have to renew the plates – which I can do easily.  But the sticker is the real issue.  I am told by the mechanics that it won’t ever take a sticker because of the frame rot.  I just know that this truck was under water somewhere down south and got sold to me like that, and without full disclosure of it.  Fucking shiesters. I hope the AG gets them good on this.

I had a check in appointment with my hiv specialist today.  She’s one pretty damned smart cookie for sure.  I’m very lucky to have her as my doctor.  I was supposed to have blood drawn before hand for her to go over and to make sure that I am doing okay with my illness.  But I am one lazy fuck too.  I put it off and put it off. So I didn’t get it done before the appointment, but I knew her office would bug the hell out of me about going in there for a check up so I at least made the appointment today.  I was seriously tempted to cancel it just out of not wanting to go.  I pretend that I don’t have to deal with this all the time, it’s easier on me that way.  I feel healthy as hell (sans slight cold right now).  I look healthy; you’d never guess I had anything wrong with me to see me.  But the little bugs in my blood are there and I’m told by the medical profession that they are just waiting to kill me when I let my guard down and don’t take my meds.   Yeah, I’ve avoided having the blood work done because I haven’t been 100% compliant with my medications and the doctor can tell that  when she sees my T counts.  Then I get scolded.  I know it’s for my own good and maybe I take it too lightly.  But hell, I’ve lived with this shit in me for 25 years now and I’ve managed it pretty damned good.

After the doctor visit I did go over to the hospital lab and get my blood drawn.  So within a couple of days the doctor will call me and go over those lab test results with me on the phone.  I am thinking that everything will come back fine.  Maybe not perfect, but well within the range of good.  My last labs were stellar, no virus to be found and very high T cells.  I thank the universe for my fortune in this realm.  I really am a lucky fucker.

The rest of the week should be a no-brainer. I’m working every day then got my weekend off.  No real plans yet, I should try to make some.  Perhaps a night of bowling would be good.  Man, I can’t wait til Spring!