It’s finally happening, the snow is coming. Yesterday we got about 10 inches of nice fluffy white stuff. So today was clean up day. Luckily the snow wasn’t the heavy, water laden type and shoveled up pretty easily. I got the drive way done by a friend last night, thank God because my back can’t take doing the whole thing by myself so I hire him to do the heaviest part then I go and do the edging and clean up to make it look pretty….gotta look nice ya know! The fresh snow does look very pretty, all edging the trees and making things look clean and beautiful. Too bad I hate it so damned much.
Work week went off without a hitch. I’m definitely settled into the schedule now and liking it pretty good. Like I’ve said, I could not ask for a better schedule of hours or days! It’s perfect for me. I even ran into my brother that I never see in there yesterday and it was really great to see him. He’s off doing his own life and hasn’t really got a strong connection to the rest of the family. There are tons of reasons why, but that’s his business, not mine. I am just happy that I got to see him and he looks good and appears to be doing well. he was on his way to a job site to do some work. He’s a self-employed doing wood floor refinishing and installations. From what I hear he’s quite busy and in high demand right now. Good for him. He’s a good guy, I wish him all the best always.
Family dynamics can be exhausting sometimes. I know I come from a very large and well connected family. We do make conscious efforts to stay close and to support one another. I live here in southern Maine simply to be closet to my biological family. I’m very closet o my mother particularly. Yup, MainelyButch is a momma’s boi. I admit it. Without her guidance and her fortitude with me I would have been dead long ago I swear. She’s been with me through some very rough stuff and has helped pull me through it. This is a woman who would show up at the most inopportune places (for me anyways!) to drag me out of there and kick my ass. Never did she waiver in her love for me, only did she offer the support and help that I needed – and then only if I was willing to do the work to change things. She knew that without my desire to make the changes necessary – especially when I was addicted to drugs heavily – that her help was of no use. I had to want to do it for myself in order to be successful.
My family is pretty equally split in genders, male and female. And we are all very strong minded, opinionated people. There are no wimps. Just those that are less apt to say what’s on their mind than others. For the most part we all speak up and get heard. I like the honesty and the loyalty of my family. It’s been a life saver for me during my own life for sure.
At one time I had a pretty extensive chosen family as well. When I was married to my partner for those 14 years we had a great and very close knit group that we spent most of our time with when we could. I miss that terribly. But when you split up usually one of the two of you get the “friends” and the other is left to fend for themselves. In my case that was me. I let her go ahead and have the support of that extensive chosen family and I walked away quietly. I figured if those people felt that they had to choose one of us over the other then they weren’t really my friends to begin with. Plus, they all felt that I was the one in the wrong – and maybe I was – so I became the evil enemy to be shunned. So be it. While there are one or two that I particularly miss, for the most part I am just fine without those kinds of friendships.
Now a days I hang alone most of the time. Me and my dogs. I am a very open and friendly person and can make friends fairly easily. It’s just that I haven’t had much opportunity to really make new friends – or i feel that I haven’t. I’ve made more friends online than I have in real time for sure. And I regard those friendships with just as much respect.
Sometimes I think that my honesty and truthfulness is just too much for most people to handle. I don’t pussy foot around things, I say what I mean and I mean what I say in general. I’m not one to coddle anyone. If you need to be handled with kid-gloves, like a child, then I am not the friend for you. I want adult conversations, adult relations and I’m not all into kittens and unicorns. That stuff bores me to death. Maybe it’s my age, I’ve outgrown the cutesy stuff and want more mature friendships now.
I miss a couple of friends that I have had to sort of unfriend lately. I miss the laughter and the funny conversations. I miss the endless conversations we had, and how we connected so seamlessly. I miss that I could call in the middle of the night and she would be there to talk to me no matter what. But sometimes you just have to cut the string and move on. I guess she cut it kind of without telling me and moved on. I haven’t heard from her in a while now and I don’t know what it was that I did wrong. I hate when that happens, when someone disappears from your life and you never really know why. It sucks. At least if I knew why then I might possibly not do whatever it was I did in the future with someone else. There’s just no kind of closure on a silent leaving.
Then there’s another one I miss terribly because I fell in love with her so completely that it hurt to the core when she kicked me to the curb. It still hurts. You don’t just stop loving someone that deeply in a matter of weeks or months. It takes a long time to get over that kind of deep feeling like I have for her. But she has her own life far far away and I am here far away from her. Without some serious initiative and work being put into the relationship by both of us it couldn’t work out. I tried, I did. And I’ve tried to be friendly toward her since, but it always just pisses her off, so I have learned to just leave her alone and try as I can to forget about her. Still she’s on my mind every damned day.
So those are some of my current thoughts whirling around inside my head lately about family and friends. Our relationships change, grow, some continue forever and some die out shortly. It’s just the way of human interaction I believe. What’s your take?