A Little Down Today…

Today has been a really down day.  I am filled with thoughts of stupid things, things that are wrong with me, or things that I am worried about.  I hate days like this, when your mind sort of takes control and your body feels heavy from all the thoughts.

I’m a boring fuck.  I live a very boring, ordinary life nowadays.  Long gone are the days of partying and excitement.  Long, long gone.  It takes quite a lot to get my attention even now.  I just feel stoic.  Nothing excites me much.  I’m not sure what the fuck is going on with me to tell the God’s honest truth.  I’m just in this super funk and don’t seem to be able to snap out of it today.  In general nothing is really wrong, I just feel out of it for some reason.

My life is your pretty standard kind of life.  My days are typical, filled with going to work mornings, tending to my dogs who depend on me for their mere existence, and hanging out at home watching TV, reading or writing when I am up to it.  Excitement to me lately is checking my email and finding emails that I am happy to read and respond to.

Maybe I am stating to catch a case of the mid-winter blahs.   At least I’m not being forced to shovel snow (knock on wood!) or drive on treacherous roads.  Our winter has been very mild compared to last year at this time.  There is NO snow on the ground here at my place, it’s all grass and bare ground.  And there’s nothing in the forecast that says we are going to get any any time soon. Good.  This makes me happy.

My job is going well.  I’m still happy to get up early and having my morning with the dogs before going out the door to the store.  I like the job, as stupid as it may be, I like it.  That’s all that counts I guess.  It’s good to have a place to go where people are depending on you to be there and to help out by doing your job.

I do think I am getting a cold.  I’ve been sniffley all day, with a stuffy nose and irritated throat.  I figured that once I exposed myself more to the public, like I am doing by working in the store every day, that I would be more apt to catch some of these little bugs that go around.  I wash my hands a lot in there, because I am handling money and we all know how nasty money is.  I just hope that it doesn’t turn into a full blown cold with all the coughing and wheezing and shit.  I don’t need that for sure.  I’m quite the baby when I get sick.  I’m not a good patient.  Good thing I live alone and don’t have anyone to bother when I am not feeling good.  I have to take care of myself, no matter how ill I am.

I had contacted the Attorney General about the truck I bought that I’ve had so much trouble with and which now is not even on the road because it won’t pass inspection.  I think I talked about this in past blogs…anyway, I filed a formal complaint with the AG because the dealership wouldn’t own up to any of it and they knew they fucked me over. So the AG’s office called me today, but I was working and didn’t take the call, but they left a number and want to talk to me about this complaint. I’m happy they are taking this seriously and may be able to help me resolve this issue with the truck.  I still owe a chunk of money on it and it’s stupid to be paying for a piece of junk that can’t even be driven.  I’m not sure what the resolution will be.  I’ve asked them to settle with the finance company.  The finance company also knows I got screwed, so they are willing to settle the loan for a much reduced rate.  I think the dealership should settle the loan with them for me.  It’s already cost me about $5k and a ton of headaches.

It’s a complicated situation, one that weighs on my mind heavily because I need a vehicle to get around and to get to and from work.  Right now I am still borrowing one of my younger brother’s shop trucks.  But he will need that back soon and I have to have something.  Now, I could replace the battery in the GMC and put two front tires on it and try driving it around until I got caught for not having the safety inspection sticker on the windshield.  It would be illegal and I would be risking heavy fines if I am caught, but it would get me around for a while and if I was very careful about when I drove and where I drove I could probably get a month or two out of doing that.  But the fact remains that the vehicle is not road worthy with the rotted frame and I would be taking a chance driving it.  Right now it’s sitting at a friend’s house with a dead battery.  The plates and sticker are all expired, I would have to renew the plates – which I can do easily.  But the sticker is the real issue.  I am told by the mechanics that it won’t ever take a sticker because of the frame rot.  I just know that this truck was under water somewhere down south and got sold to me like that, and without full disclosure of it.  Fucking shiesters. I hope the AG gets them good on this.

I had a check in appointment with my hiv specialist today.  She’s one pretty damned smart cookie for sure.  I’m very lucky to have her as my doctor.  I was supposed to have blood drawn before hand for her to go over and to make sure that I am doing okay with my illness.  But I am one lazy fuck too.  I put it off and put it off. So I didn’t get it done before the appointment, but I knew her office would bug the hell out of me about going in there for a check up so I at least made the appointment today.  I was seriously tempted to cancel it just out of not wanting to go.  I pretend that I don’t have to deal with this all the time, it’s easier on me that way.  I feel healthy as hell (sans slight cold right now).  I look healthy; you’d never guess I had anything wrong with me to see me.  But the little bugs in my blood are there and I’m told by the medical profession that they are just waiting to kill me when I let my guard down and don’t take my meds.   Yeah, I’ve avoided having the blood work done because I haven’t been 100% compliant with my medications and the doctor can tell that  when she sees my T counts.  Then I get scolded.  I know it’s for my own good and maybe I take it too lightly.  But hell, I’ve lived with this shit in me for 25 years now and I’ve managed it pretty damned good.

After the doctor visit I did go over to the hospital lab and get my blood drawn.  So within a couple of days the doctor will call me and go over those lab test results with me on the phone.  I am thinking that everything will come back fine.  Maybe not perfect, but well within the range of good.  My last labs were stellar, no virus to be found and very high T cells.  I thank the universe for my fortune in this realm.  I really am a lucky fucker.

The rest of the week should be a no-brainer. I’m working every day then got my weekend off.  No real plans yet, I should try to make some.  Perhaps a night of bowling would be good.  Man, I can’t wait til Spring!

 

 

 

 

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Author: MainelyButch

I am a pretty relaxed, proud, Butch and a native Mainer who enjoys reading, writing, blogging, vlogging and social interaction. I live in southern Maine, near the coast with my 2 small dogs and I hail from a very large, loving family that is historically rooted here. I write about my life, my experiences, living successfully with HIV, my YouTube experiences, and just about anything that piques my interest. This blog may contain profanity and sexual situations, and is not intended for younger audiences. Read at your own risk. At 54 I see life as just beginning a new chapter, and have decide this is the time that I need to write the stories that got me to this point. I believe we live our lives in chapters, changing, evolving and moving continuously with the times. I love to laugh, have discussions, debates and even the occasional nonsense conversation! I generally enjoy people, but not drama, hatred, ignorance or those who choose to feel they are somehow elite or superior to another simply due to their mere existence. I try to be very conscious of the health of the world around me - environmentally, socially, economically, and ethically. The people who are dear to me know me as having a tough exterior, filled with marshmallow and crunchy peanut butter. I continually strive to be the best I can be, especially to address life head on...always.

6 thoughts on “A Little Down Today…”

  1. Gee I thought I was the only boring person in the world lol. Seriously I know some of what you are feeling. For me it is not having that person to share time with. Days are long when you are alone, at least it is that way for me. Of course there are always ‘things’ one can find to fill the daylight hours, but then night comes and brings loneliness with it. Perhaps that is why I write at night, to fill those hours. One day I might grow use to being alone, at least I hope.

    You have had your fair share of problems lately. I hope you get some resolve with your truck, the dealership should be held accountable. I know this has a lot to do with your emotional state, one more thing to add to the pile.

    Please take care of yourself Ang.

  2. Hang in there and take care of yourself. I think we are all babies when we are sick, I walk around groaning so everyone can hear how sick I am. You are dealing with a lot besides. I hope you get out this weekend and relax.

  3. I think a lot of people are feeling a case of the winter blahs right about now. I know I’ve been struggling with my moods a lot lately too. Hope you feel better and have a nice weekend. I hope you get to go bowling. I love to go and haven’t in years.

  4. Mmmm, a few boring folks maybe we are. Lol. Eh, I woke in a small funk. Second wake that is. Had a disturbing dream I actually cant recall yet woke me in tears. Then cried about other things going on my life. Then I had a soak, then I wrote two affirmations on my mirror. Definitely have been experiencing some winter-blahs and blues.

    Needless to say, I’ve been there and almost got there today. Keep your head up, and we are here.

  5. Glad you contacted the AG about the truck. BEFORE YOU TALK TO THEM, REMEMBER THIS: they cap the value on small claims, and may claim that your vehicle exceeds the small-claims value, if you’re going through small claims court (which is the easiest route to make the dealership take responsibility). HOWEVER, your vehicle is worth $0 if you cannot put it on the road, in the state in which it was bought and fraudulently certified as roadworthy, if it cannot pass inspection due to an undisclosed problem that should have kept it from passing inspection when you bought it. The condition did not develop in the one year you had it before you tried to get the inspection renewed. You were defrauded at the time of sale. Your vehicle is worth $0 if you cannot sell it in the state in which you bought it, believing it to be roadworthy, when a new buyer could not get it on the road. It’s different to buy it out of state — one state won’t accept responsibility for passing another state’s inspection unless it’s new–and would probably balk at that. The key is that only the seller would fraudulently say it could pass inspection — or another corrupt issuer of certificates. You were defrauded AT THE TIME OF INITIAL PURCHASE. Hammer that point home. Good luck.

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