Butch Stuff, General Blips, Lesbian, Love, Relationships, work

Slow starts…

Talk about a really slow start to a month, let alone a whole new year, I find myself damned near moving backwards.  I have not enthusiasm for this year at all.  My fear is that it will turn out to be just like 2015…a year in which I endured a lot of ups and downs and spent more time questioning my own choices and hurting from them than anything else.

I have a really critical visit with my doctor tomorrow.  I’m frightened about it to put it mildly.  I have to talk to her about some really difficult things that are going on and affecting my health in negative ways. I’ve been avoiding the doctors and cancelling appointments for the last couple of months, just not wishing to have to deal with any of this.  We are going to talk about addictions and medical maintenance of such.  Something I am not thrilled about at all; and something I am pretty ashamed of as well.  My case worker from the Frannie Peabody Center up in Portland is coming down to go with me on the appointment.  A very good friend of mine suggested I take someone with me for moral support, and then the case worker called and volunteered to accompany me which was very sweet of her and spot on time.

I also have a job interview tomorrow afternoon.  It’s for a job at a truck stop working in the store.  Just a little part time position waiting on customers, stocking shelves and doing whatever needs doing around the place.  I don’t see any problem in getting hired.  And I can really use the job and the extra income right now badly.  Convenience store work isn’t really appealing to me, but I need something right now and this is what is readily available.

It’s been bone-biting cold here the last 2 days. I’ve only gone out to do errands when I have had to!  Like to the drug store and for dog food.

I wish I could rewind 2015 and do it all over again.  There are so many things I would have done differently; so many things I would not have done at all.  it was a very heart breaking year for me, and I still miss her so damned much.  Yes, this still bothers me, I know one cannot “rewind and go back in time” but people can start over from here and move on forward…if they want to do so.  I only wish there were some way to convince her to start over again with me.  Thoughts of her are constantly in the back of my mind, I am always wondering how she is, and if she ever thinks of me anymore.  When she has texted me is sort of in this passive aggressive sort of way, and that just frustrates me.  Those are not the words I need and want to hear.  I hope one day I will get by this.  Or she will want to try to work it out a different way.

I’m off to do some reading. Bloggers have been active lately, and I am enjoying the reading.

Have a great evening!  ~Peace.  ~MB



8 thoughts on “Slow starts…

  1. I wish you strength and the very best of luck in your tasks tomorrow. Glad you have someone to accompany you for the medical part. And glad you’re facing it, as difficult and challenging as it is and will be.

    A job in a truck stop sounds like a good choice. You’ll meet some interesting people, at the very least.

    As for the heartache, well, only time and distance will lessen that. It’s a difficult time of year to be feeling that way. I’m sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Roberta Jordan says:

    Good luck tomorrow. Sorry that your emotions are being pulled in all directions. Not a great spot to be in. Time to make some decisions my friend.
    Hugs, Bert


    • Yes Bert, it’s sure is time to make those decisions, and make them stick. I just wish I knew how to do that without it hurting so damned much. Doc appt went okay..I’ll blog about it more later. Sometimes things have to get a little worse before they get better ya know. ~MB


  3. Lesboi says:

    Good luck tomorrow. It’s awesome that you have someone to go with you. My year has started off a bit rocky too and not how I had planned so you’ve got company. Hopefully it’ll all turn around quickly for both of us and you’ll get the job and get your health all straightened out too.


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