Some Deep Thinking Lately…

I feel like language in the LGBT community and in general has changed and is continuing to change so much lately.  Every time I turn around the “proper” way to address someone or say something has changed up on me.  I just can’t keep up.  I’ve read a lot about pronouns lately especially.  With the rise in those identifying with the genderqueer label it seems that they like more neutral pronouns.

I for one am going to have a hard time with getting used to this, but I will give it my best.  It just doesn’t compute into proper English when you have to say “They have a cold” instead of “She has a cold” …just doesn’t sound right to me.  But if that is what someone wants me to use, the they/them pronouns instead of he/she or her/him then I will do my darnedest to try to do it.

Labels used to be so simple and now they are so complex.  I haven’t even kept up with them honestly.  Being from the old school of Butch-Femme I know those labels and those that go along with them.  There are so many new labels and words people are now choosing to describe themselves or to identify with, the world is just ever changing.  What was right yesterday is old and out of date today.  And as one gets older, anyone, things change and the way you thought about things yesterday isn’t the same as you may think of the same situation today.

I am accepting that I am getting older now.  I’ll be 54 on January 10th.  I plan to make it a good birthday this year, not one that I sulk through like last year.  I am older and I am wiser.  I am no worse for the wear of another year.  I don’t “feel” my age, or look my age, but I truly am almost 54!

In dog years Nola is getting up there with me.  She’ll be 8 on June 10th of 2016.  And Lulu is just a babe, she’ll be 1 on February 17th.

Age is a funny thing.  You can be a certain age and still not be mature or grown up about some things.  You must have experience in things to match your maturity level of them.  In order to know things, like about love and relationships for example, you must have first-hand experience to fully understand what love or a relationship really is.  That’s probably not a good example.  Maybe a better one is that you may know what a horse looks like, but you don’t automatically know how to ride one.  You must experience and learn about riding to be successful at understanding it and what all it entails.

I’ve had a good 54 years – yes, on my 54th birthday it means that I will have completed the 54th year of my life and I will begin the 55th year….fun way to understand it huh?  Make you feel a little bit older seeing it that way?  Ha!

I have had the glorious opportunity to have experienced many things in my life.  To have learned about various life styles, to have lived in many places and in many ways.  I’ve been richer and I’ve been poorer.  Every opportunity and experience has been one more pebble in the shaping of who I am today.  One just does not just grow where they are, there was a voyage of growth to get you there, and there will be a voyage of change in the future.  It’s inevitable.  You never know for sure what will happen even just tomorrow….you could be hit by the proverbial bus, you could fall in love, you could wake up with a whole new attitude, or it may just be your lucky day…whatever happens, it’s up to us to choose the paths that take us to our desired destinations.

Guess I am just in the mood for some deep thinking today.  I keep thinking about love and what it means to my life.  I was asked today some personal questions about my love life and my sex life by my case worker from FPC who monitors my HIV progression – or rather non-progression in my case.

I came very clean with her today, no lies.  I told her I failed the drug test from pain clinic and that I’ve been battling more cravings than usual.  I told her that I am living single and pretty much hating it; but it is what it is.  She’s a new case worker for me, and thus we had to go through an entire intake interview.

Case workers in the HIV field burn out rather quickly in these rural areas.  It’s a lot of thankless work, and very emotional at times as well.  But back when HIV was more of a death sentence (the 80’s and early 90’s) it was even worse.  The case workers would never know how long their client would live because people were rapidly dying from AIDS. They would try not to get to attached to their clients because losing them hurt so badly.  I worked in the field for a while during that time, and I left doing that work in 1999 after a particularly bad December where I lost several good friends to the disease.  I just couldn’t take the losses one after another and so close together.  That December is known in my memories as the “month of funerals”.

I am going to be seeing my primary care doctor and discussing possibly getting on a program of subutec which stops the cravings and works good for me.  I hope she will be willing to prescribe them for me and that she’ll work with me.  Half the battle of addiction is getting a doctor to work with you.  I know my body well, and I know my addiction tendencies well. I know what works for me and what doesn’t.  Let’s just hope she sees it that way too.  I have had good luck with her in the past working with me, so I think a good conversation about it and some research if she needs would be the beginning of getting a permanent handle on this once and for all.

I really miss Kat and wish she were living closer to me.  She and I talk daily on the phone and computer, but it’s just not the same.  I sent her a little box of presents for Christmas; one box for her and one small box for the grandchildren – all of which I have known from the time they were born.  She has 4 now, 2 little girls (7&1) and 2 little boys (5&3).  Their parents – and Kat – struggle hard to make ends meet there as it’s a pretty job-dead sort of town.  So I try to send little things to make it easier on them when I can.  At least I know that they have some gifts for Christmas between what I have sent and what I know others have sent too.  It’s tough raising children in the old coal country. No real jobs, and very little money there.  I wish they would move away from there, but even that is pretty tough when you don’t have the money to even move!  I wish there were more that I could do, or that some miracle would happen to get them out of there.  It’s got to suck being stuck like that.

I’m ready for Christmas to be here .  I’ve got my shopping done, not that I did a whole lot this year.  I focused mainly on Kat and the kids.  I am looking forward to spending Christmas day with my family at my parents’ new home.  We are making a big dinner and hanging out together for Christmas day.  It should be very very nice.