I’ve been moody the last few days and I am realizing it’s because I feel so damned lonely. It’s not the being alone here that is the problem because I have no issues with being alone. I even tend to like being by myself quite a bit. Even to the point where I would rather be alone than be in a crowd of people. What I am feeling is a real gut sense of just being lonely.
I have friends who reach out to me. And I have women who send me sweet messages, tell me how nice looking I am, how they like my blogs and my videos, and that they would like to date me if they could…I don’t know why I am just so hard to get to know. I find it very difficult to open myself up to anyone and to really get to know them. The experience that I had in 2014/15 really made that even more of an issue for me. I am just petrified to get to know anyone else now. It feels like if I put myself out there again like that that I will just be rejected again. I – like anyone – just hate dealing with rejection, especially after I have fallen hard for someone like I did this last year.
I like to write and don’t have as much problem with writing out my feelings or discussing harder things in writing. When it comes to talking I get pretty tongue tied unless I am super comfortable with the person. I find that it takes me a good amount of time to get to know someone and trust them to be able to honestly talk to them. I miss that closeness of having someone to talk to here with me.
I’ve even been dreaming about relationships a lot lately. But I am so skeptical that I am even relationship material. I think that I am damaged too far to ever be really good for anyone. I need too much reassurance and I’ve been through so much that I am not very optimistic that I could do it again.
I guess I just have to give myself more time and perhaps I should start seeine a good therapist again. I know that I have to make an appointment soon to see my regular doctor because my anti-depressants aren’t working like they are supposed to. I think I have been on them too long and have developed some immunity to them, thus it’s time to change up the menu.
It’s not just a romantic connection that I miss, but even the everyday relationships I have with my family and friends are suffering lately. I blamed it mostly on my being really stressed out and preoccupied with the move in October and November. Plus I had gone through a fairly hard disconnection from the woman that I had fallen for at that same time. I kind of withdrew and tried to focus on the move and keeping everything together during that. It kept me from sitting alone and just thinking about her and what I could have done to have saved that relationship – if anything. So I didn’t pay enough attention to my daily relationships either.
I feel like that at almost 54 years old I would have these things figured out by now. That I would have better relationships, know my own boundaries and my own limitations. I think that sometimes I choose the wrong people to bring into my life, then I get kicked in the teeth for just being me. I am a difficult person I guess. I am set in my ways and have some opinions and expectations that are a bit old fashioned. Those don’t work anymore in this new techo world. I feel very misunderstood most of the time.
Anyway, having a sort of down night, and this is what is on my mind. Just lonely and don’t know what to do about it anymore. I wish I were more courageous and were more into taking chances but I feel very closed up.
Tomorrow night I am supposed to attend a small party. I hope that I am in a better mood. I’ve got to find something nice to wear and I don’t really even want to go, but I need to get out and meet people – that’s what one does when one is lonely, right? <sigh>