Just Lonely…

I’ve been moody the last few days and I am realizing it’s because I feel so damned lonely.  It’s not the being alone here that is the problem because I have no issues with being alone. I even tend to like being by myself quite a bit.  Even to the point where I would rather be alone than be in a crowd of people.  What I am feeling is a real gut sense of just being lonely.

I have friends who reach out to me.  And I have women who send me sweet messages, tell me how nice looking I am, how they like my blogs and my videos, and that they would like to date me if they could…I don’t know why I am just so hard to get to know.  I find it very difficult to open myself up to anyone and to really get to know them.  The experience that I had in 2014/15 really made that even more of an issue for me.  I am just petrified to get to know anyone else now.  It feels like if I put myself out there again like that that I will just be rejected again.  I – like anyone – just hate dealing with rejection, especially after I have fallen hard for someone like I did this last year.

I like to write and don’t have as much problem with writing out my feelings or discussing harder things in writing.  When it comes to talking I get pretty tongue tied unless I am super comfortable with the person.  I find that it takes me a good amount of time to get to know someone and trust them to be able to honestly talk to them.  I miss that closeness of having someone to talk to here with me.

I’ve even been dreaming about relationships a lot lately.  But I am so skeptical that I am even relationship material.  I think that I am damaged too far to ever be really good for anyone.  I need too much reassurance and I’ve been through so much that I am not very optimistic that I could do it again.

I guess I just have to give myself more time and perhaps I should start seeine a good therapist again.  I know that I have to make an appointment soon to see my regular doctor because my anti-depressants aren’t working like they are supposed to. I think I have been on them too long and have developed some immunity to them, thus it’s time to change up the menu.

It’s not just a romantic connection that I miss, but even the everyday relationships I have with my family and friends are suffering lately.  I blamed it mostly on my being really stressed out and preoccupied with the move in October and November.  Plus I had gone through a fairly hard disconnection from the woman that I had fallen for at that same time. I kind of withdrew and tried to focus on the move and keeping everything together during that.  It kept me from sitting alone and just thinking about her and what I could have done to have saved that relationship – if anything.  So I didn’t pay enough attention to my daily relationships either.

I feel like that at almost 54 years old I would have these things figured out by now. That I would have better relationships, know my own boundaries and my own limitations.  I think that sometimes I choose the wrong people to bring into my life, then I get kicked in the teeth for just being me.  I am a difficult person I guess.  I am set in my ways and have some opinions and expectations that are a bit old fashioned. Those don’t work anymore in this new techo world.  I feel very misunderstood most of the time.

Anyway, having a sort of down night, and this is what is on my mind.  Just lonely and don’t know what to do about it anymore.  I wish I were more courageous and were more into taking chances but I feel very closed up.

Tomorrow night I am supposed to attend a small party.  I hope that I am in a better mood.  I’ve got to find something nice to wear and I don’t really even want to go, but I need to get out and meet people – that’s what one does when one is lonely, right?  <sigh>

~MB

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Author: MainelyButch

I am a pretty relaxed, proud, Butch and a native Mainer who enjoys reading, writing, blogging, vlogging and social interaction. I live in southern Maine, near the coast with my 2 small dogs and I hail from a very large, loving family that is historically rooted here. I write about my life, my experiences, living successfully with HIV, my YouTube experiences, and just about anything that piques my interest. This blog may contain profanity and sexual situations, and is not intended for younger audiences. Read at your own risk. At 54 I see life as just beginning a new chapter, and have decide this is the time that I need to write the stories that got me to this point. I believe we live our lives in chapters, changing, evolving and moving continuously with the times. I love to laugh, have discussions, debates and even the occasional nonsense conversation! I generally enjoy people, but not drama, hatred, ignorance or those who choose to feel they are somehow elite or superior to another simply due to their mere existence. I try to be very conscious of the health of the world around me - environmentally, socially, economically, and ethically. The people who are dear to me know me as having a tough exterior, filled with marshmallow and crunchy peanut butter. I continually strive to be the best I can be, especially to address life head on...always.

7 thoughts on “Just Lonely…”

  1. Aw Ang, loneliness is the common denominator between many us. Unless you have a super, cute, available mail woman you gotta mingle. Put yourself out there a bit. Let yourself live. No matter what we do we cannot avoid pain, and that comes in many forms’ ie, dissapointment, rejection or being taken for granted…its part of life. But remember you can still be in a room with tons of people and still feel lonely. Don’t depend on someone to make life full of rainbows right off the bat…everything takes time and work. Enjoy the party and work your magic—smile
    Bert

  2. Witness. Plus with the lack of sunlight right about now, that’s exacerbating what’s going on in your head. My brother-in-law lives in Newburgh and I don’t know how he holds up with the lack of light in Maine this time of year.

    Time for some radical self care.

    I’m so freaking stoic, and yet this week there’s been an enormous need for self care, which is a new concept for me. I’m in my 50s, too, and so just about as old-fashioned as you. 😉

    Yes, therapy and a meds update sound like a solid plan. Consider finding a prescribing psychiatrist who will work with your therapist. I’ve found that general practitioners are way too much generalists to tinker most effectively with psyche meds. You may find that returning to therapy and a meds update will help get you in a good place again.

    1. Oh I hadn’t thought about the sunlight thing, yes that’s depressing too. I am just biding my time til spring and the planting season, I ‘m anxious to see what kinds of flowers the previous owner of this house has growing in the gardens; and anxious to plant some of my own. I think that I get bored and then it translates to lonliness sometimes. I’m making those appointments with the doc, and yes she has a therapist that works right in the same office with her so they can collaborate on a new medication regimen for me. Thanks for the advice! 🙂

  3. Your solution is as complex as you are You can only open up for a relationship when you are ready. However long it takes.
    Talking to a tried and true professional is so good for you. Your thoughts and feelings can be heard, giving you another perspective and inviting an objective opinion to the forum.
    You are correct. You need to alter your cocktail of antidepressants. It is fantastic that you sense that and want to take action to correct that.
    You are correct in putting yourself out there even if you do not want to go.
    It is also a time to talk to the friends you depend on for objectivity and support.
    And hold on to the furbabies for their unconditional love. 🙂
    That’s how I see it.

    1. Thanks for the advice, I appreciate your taking the time. I’m spending a lot of time with my little dogs, good thing they just love to cuddle on the couch and watch Christmas movies with me! I’m going to see the docs soon and get the meds adjusted, I just have to cuz I know they aren’t doing the job they were previously doing. Again thanks! 🙂

  4. Dear Ang,

    I´m sorry that you are having such a hard time, even after the moving … 😦

    here you would say: that is the drop that makes the barrel overrun … :/

    I think it is a good idea to make appointments to see the doctor(antidepressants) and a therapist … to talk with about what is going on in your mind …

    you should be on the top of your priority-List … you have enough time to meet “new” people, afterwards …for now the time is not ripe for it … you are not in a hurry … the main point is to break ground … to give a start .. 😉

    Take your time, don´t be too hard to yourself and take good care !

    Wishing u all the best !

    Maria

  5. Thanks Maria, I appreciate your thoughts. I’m trying my best to take good care of myself Like I said above, I think that I get bored and that can sometimes translate into being lonely for me. Plus there are those little thoughts that nag at the back of my head…coulda shoulda woulda sort of stuff. Thanks again! 🙂

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