General Blips, Love, Personal Thoughts, Relationships

Ex’s and Friends

Let’s talk about being friends with an ex.  Can it be done?

Autostraddle did an article about it today, the question being asked was when you constantly fight with an ex after you’ve broken up, and are trying to be “friends” is it worth it?   I think it’s like letting them live mortgage free in your heart and life without the commitment of a relationship.  Most of us need a clean break when we split up with someone, that way the hurt is left in the past and it’s easier to get over. Remaining friends can be very very tricky, and if you are still fighting over things that happened before then maybe it’s not completely “over” because it takes some passion to fight, and if that passion is still there then how can it be over?

I know that I have always tried to be on good terms with my ex’s, not always easy in the beginning to do, but I can say I have not made any enemies.  I don’t keep them as close friends, I refer to them as more like people I used to know.  I don’t have regular contact with any of them. If I did it would be because I was still interested in pursuing a relationship, and generally when it’s “over” for me, it’s over.  I don’t care to keep them in my life more than absolutely necessary.  We split for a reason, and that reason has never been to just become “friends” for me.

I have a couple of ex’s, on is my ex-wife of almost 14 years, that live relatively close by to me, and I do not see, call or text them at all. If we run into one another somewhere I am corial, polite and it usually is just a quick hello and how ya doin, then we go our normal separate ways.

To me friends are people in my life that I never wanted to have more intimate relations with, if I did then they were “more than friends” to me, and that’s very different.  I can’t really see being close friends with someone what I had a more intimate relation desire with, no matter how far it went – or didn’t.

I think that I have always treated my ex’s decently, with respect and have let them get on with their lives as they have let me get on with mine.  I don’t recall any that I have ill feelings for, I’ve dated some really awesome women, and had the priveledge to really love a couple beyond words. Those were the hardest ones to really remain friends with, I think when a relationship is over for me that moving on becomes a priority and to do that I need space and time to myself to process the thoughts, put closure on things and look to the future.

What do you think about ex’s becoming friends?  How close is too close?  If you are fighting after the break up, are things really “finished” completely?  Where does that passion come from?

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Ex’s and Friends”

  1. I know I’m unusual in this regard but I am still pretty close friends with most of my exes, with the exception of the two crazy ones. I totally agree that if you’re still fighting about what happened in your relationship then there is no way for you to be friends because the feelings are still too raw. I couldn’t be friends with a couple until some years had passed and then I found it healing to go back and reconnect a little. Not everyone feels this way and that’s cool with me. I feel like, if you were important enough for me to build a life with than even if we can’t live together and want different things we can still have value to each other. Usually I need a lot of time to get to that place of not feeling hurt/angry/whatever when I’m around them. If I still have feelings for someone there is NO way we could be just friends again and it is best to avoid seeing or talking to them. That’s my 50 cents.

  2. I have never spoken, or saw anyone I was once with and have no desire to. Once those bridges were burnt they remained nothing more then a pile of ash. If those people didn’t want to move forward then I am prone to think they are still dragging their feet now. I am not someone that likes to argue, or deal with attitudes. If i have something to say I say it and that is the end of it, at least for me lol. Hate arguing or feeling like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. There are times when I need my space, hate being smothered, many of those in my past found this hard to deal with, felt I was way too much of a loner. Nope, for me it is all about moving forward and no room in my world for those I once trusted to hurt me again.

  3. I am friends with four of my exes. The rest are out of my line of vision and sphere of influence. The four that remain in my life are special folks with good boundaries and we are genuinely fond of each other. But, it is true, it took time to reach the friendship stage. The others who are gone were truly not worth having a friendship with afterward.

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