The topic of shame has been popping up repeatedly in my life lately. It makes me wonder if the universe is sending me some sort of signal to look at the pattern of shame in my life and try to understand why it is that I need to reflect on this right now.
I know that I have been a bit hard on myself recently about this move and how screwed up it feels like it has been. It’s very hard for me to ask for help with anything and I have been forced to do that – not even so much for myself as for my dogs who depend upon me for that roof and food supply. I would have lived in my truck had it not been for having to take care of them, before I would have asked for help with a place to stay. Fortunately my cousin, bless her soul, offered me a place before I even had to ask, but still it’s hard to accept help…why is this?
I think it goes back to childhood and my attempts to please my parents – particularly my father. I would be ashamed if I did not please him, which was most of the time. Plus I had shame in my sexuality, not understanding fully but knowing I was different and it was not “okay” at that time. I was always ashamed when I would have to ask for help with anything, which I think is just the pride of wanting to do things myself.
I’ve seen a couple of bloggers write about this, and I’ve been redirected to Brene’ Brown’s work on shame, vulnerability and the power of being “enough”. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I was “enough” for most of my life. I always felt that I lacked something, intelligence, strength, stability, and other things. I was never enough of a “girl” and sometimes I feel ike I am not enough of a Butch. I used to have shame in my identity of being Butch, even though I did not deny it, it brought me shame because others influenced me with their words. “Don’t be so rough” “Try to tone it down a bit” and “You are a girl, act like one.” That last one I heard during my growing up as well as up to just recently.
I tend to keep to myself, and I’ve felt some shame in that at times. People will tell me to get out and live a little. They don’t realize that I feel socially inept and very self conscious. People think I am this overly confident Butch that nothing bothers, when that is not the case, many things bother me and I often have a lot of things on my mind. My life is not all roses and perfection at all, my troubles seem to haunt me on a regular basis. Lately more than usual, and I feel very vulnerable because of this. I feel vulnerable emotionally like I can’t trust anyone to get too close to me anymore. I allowed it and it bit me in the ass big time. Now I am very very wary of allowing it to happen again anytime soon. Somehow I need to overcome this intense feeling of vulnerability and become more confident again. I need to process things differently and find a way to trust again. Thinking about taking that risk again just makes me feel vulnerable.
I’ve spent today reading and watching videos on these subject of shame and vulnerability. It’s been insightful and reflective. It’s been a rather quiet day, as my cousin isn’t feeling well, thus she’s stayed in bed all day and Otis is outside working with his Case 530 and the log splitter loading wood for the wood stove into the basement. He’s an interesting guy, he always seems to find something to do around here. It is a pretty big piece of property and does require a bit of upkeep, and he’s right into doing it all. Can’t wait til I have that problem again here soon! I miss puttering around the house finding projects that need attention. I am just so bored right now it’s stupid. I have been helping out around the house, but trying to also stay out of the way too.
That’s it for today’s thoughts, and post. I hope everyone is having a stellar weekend and staying warm! ~Peace! MB