Hours

I am mere hours now away from having the keys to the front door of my new home in hand.  I’m way excited, and very anxious at the same time. I’m praying everything goes off without any problem and in a mere 18 hours I’ll be unlocking the front door to deposit the dogs into their new abode and start hauling stuff from my storage unit into the place.

I’ve arranged to rent a Uhaul on Tuesday to get everything moved from my large storage unit, some of the furniture will be donated to Re-store which is a Habitat for Humanity fundraising organization, and I will be getting some new stuff on Wednesday.  I figured new place, new furniture would be a good investment.

I’m rather excited specifically about my new office room and all it’s beautiful windows of light.  Of course getting my heavy desk in there isn’t going to be a picnic at all, but once it’s in it’s never moving ever again.  I figure this will be my home until the end.  I can’t wait to set up the computer and do a new video for my Youtube channel from there.  I did one today from here where I am staying because I miraculously found my web cam in my quick packed stuff.  I didn’t even know I had it with me this whole month of being in limbo. I could have been doing videos all along.  Or using Skype.

The dogs don’t get what the hell is up.  They’ve gotten so used to our routine here in the woods now that it’s going to be a change to be taken out on a lead and being limited to a much smaller yard area.  Nola will adapt quickly as usual, she’s smart like that once she figures out her boundaries she’s good to go.  The puppy thinks the world is her playground and just jaunts about hoity-toity like nothing is in her way and nowhere is off limits.  So definitely setting up a lead to tie her out on.  Now that she’s mostly house broken and doesn’t use the wee pads as much I want to keep that up and keep her going outside to do her business. She is not yet good at “reliable recall”…she doesn’t come when she is called, thus I constantly have to go and fetch her to bring her back in.  Thankfully she doesn’t run away from me and make me play catch wtih her or I would have throttled her by now.  She sees me coming and just sits and waits to be picked up.  Maybe she has ME trained!

I doubt that I will be writing here for the next few days.  I will update my Facebook from my phone but that’s about it.  I won’t have internet or television for a couple of days as I have to have them hooked up.  The previous owner of the house had that stupid Dish TV and there are ugly black cables strung all around outside the house for that….I HOPE there is one there somewhere for Comcast cable, which is what I use for my internet and cable service.  If not they’ll have to come out and install one for me.  All those calls get made tomorrow.  Electricity, gas, cable…all those normal household expenses that must be connected in my name.

I do have fresh batteries in my camera so I will be taking lots of pictures I am sure.  I just need to remain calm and collected, to get this done in a reasonable and organized manner.  More chaos right now would not be good for me!  I’m sure it will all go fine, I just get nervous about things too easily.

Thanks for all of the comments and emails of support.  I do appreciate you my readers for following me through what has been a few very rough months–in more ways than one.  But this is a new beginning for me and I am going to make it a good one and myself better than ever.

~Peace!

~MB

The Countdown

I’m 2 days from having my own place again, and I couldn’t be more full of axiety, stressed out or excited. There isn’t enough Lorazapam in the world to cure my anxiety right now.

I ditched my GMC over in the pool store parking lot for a while, I’m driving one of the pool company trucks.  It pays when your family owns a company that has multiple vehicles that you can use.

Having the pick up trukc will help with the moving too. I have rented a big 17′ Uhaul truck for the major piece of it; cleaning out the 10’x 20′ storage unit where the main lot of my household goods are stored.  I have one smaller storage unit in a different location where most of my art supplies and collectibles are stored for now.  I am going to focus on getting the larger unit emptied in one fell swoop on Tuesday morning.  I’ve arranaged help and have it all set up.  Thank goodness for good friends!  I do hate moving as much as anyone else, but I have kept my cool and kept the things very organized so it should go off fairly smoothly.

Once I am in the new place this old computer is history.  I have a new one waiting in it’s box for a nice fresh start.  I have to fight with this one evey time I want to do anything, it freezes, the mouse won’t work, and it does all sorts of aggravating quirkly things.  I think I will talk it to Bob and have hime strip it down and clean it out, repair whatever is up with the mouse pad and get it back into working order.  The new one I have is an HP desktop, on the  all-in-one units.  I ‘ll keep this one once it’s fixed as my laptop for travelling and working outside on the porch.  My webcam is in storage wtih my other stuff, thus I haven’t made any videos for my Youtube channel lately either.  I have gotten lots of requests to do so, so that will be coming soon too.  Once the camera is located and everything is set up!  I’m so fucking excited to get it all back to normal.

A friend of mine came across this most interesting question:

I you had to live rest of your life in a library, a museum, or a zoo which would you choose?

I find this to be a very thought provoking question.  In a library you would be enclosed inside all the time, but you wouldhave the world literally at your fingertips.  You could read and study anything you wished, you’d have maps and photos and everything you could ever know about any subject that tickled your fancy on any given day.

The museum would be very interesting too, but again you are basically secluded behind 4 walls and don’t necessarily get to see the outdoors but you do get to intereact with many very cool exhibits, learning and stufying to your heart’s content.  The archealologist in me would love begin suck with a bunch of that stuff to study and ponder.

Now the zoo appeals to me the most because it has live creatures that I can love and care for.  I could spend my days watching them play in the enclosures, and I may even be able to befriend some.  I am assuming the zoo has outdoor space for the large animals and has habitats and all.  I’m imaginning the best zoo you could have here.  So I would be able to be outside in the weather and also inside when I chose.  I think I would be happiest in the zoo.

What do you think?  What would you pick?

~Peace

MB

 

 

Bored…and waiting

I’m about to go stir-crazy insane!  I’m so bored just hanging out waiting on the date that I can move into my new place, the time is draggin on and it’s just driving me nuts.  I read, I write, I color my mandalas and I watch TV…it’s about as boring as it can get.  I’m staying at someone else’s house and it’s quite a ways from my normal “stomping” grounds. So the normal people that I see are quite a ways away.  I’ve been h anging out with my cousin quite a bit, going to Christmas fairs and penny sales.  Who knew about these penny sale things…it’s quite a process.  I had never attended one before, and I find it fascinating to watch people buy the tickets to “win” the prizes.  Most of the places that do it are doing it as fund raisers so the money goes to various good causes. Right now it’s mostly for the kids for Christmas.

I’ve been struggling a bit with my addiction issues.  Recently I was taken off of my long term opiate pain killer regimen…because I tested positive for things I should not have had in my system and the practitioner didn’t like that.  So I am struggling with pain issues, plus the mental and physical effects of withdrawal from the opiates.  I’m considering investigating the suboxone/subutex treatment for addictions. But it’s really hard to think about going to a doctor and saying “hey, I’m an addict and I don’t want to be using illicit substances, so can I get something to curb that craving?”  At one time in my life I was pretty much an illicit substance addict and I don’t want to go back there, but without my prescription meds I have that craving and need all the time.  It’s something that’s been an issue for several weeks now, and it’s really bothering me.  I think I would be a good candidate for the suboxone treatment and I understand it can be a long term thing which is okay with me as long as I don’t have to fight these intense cravings all the time.  I am so afraid of falling back into old bad habits…that would just suck.  It’s not something I am proud to talk about, but it’s a very big factor in my depression and in my life right now.

Sunday Mumbles…

Lulu gave me the worries yesterday, she wasn’t herself all day, acted like she had a tummy ache.  She didn’t want to play at all, which is just NOT like her at all, and she was being lethargic and whining little mewing type of whines.  Finally after giving her a drop of peppermint and some white rice she started to act like she was a bit more comfortable.  Today she woke up her usual chipper, playful self and all seems to be back to normal.

Now the last week of November is upon us, I should be hearing about when I can get moved into my new place sometime here at the beginning of the week.  It’s probably going to be the 30th. I am anxious, but I know it’s going to happen in the next week or so, so I am trying to just be patient and keep things together.

Thursday will be Thanksgiving and I will be spending the day at my parents’ home eating turkey and being thankful for all that I have in my life. I’m thankful for my good health, and the good health of my family especially.

WordPress has done it again, presenting and seemingly forcing us to use a new editor.  I haven’t figured it totally out yet.  It seems they are always changing things up. I like how they have restored the draft saving function, which didn’t seem to be there with the last editor. I like WP in general, and it’s kept me on my toes with all of the updates and changes!

Alot of people are talking about Charlie Sheen and his recent disclosure that he is HIV positive.  I got several messages, with questions and a video of somene doing a piece about this…first of all I commend him on disclosing his status, that has to be very difficult when you are a very public figure like he is.  And it’s got to be bringing his former partners out of the woodwork with questions for him about when he knew, etc.

I am one who always discloses my positive status to potential partners, then they have the option whether to get involved with me or not. I’ve never had a problem, except that it is a difficult conversation to have with someone.  I keep my viral load on the undetectable side, which means that I have very little virus in my system and am less likely to ever transmit the virus to anyone else.  Plus I am stone butch lesbian, which makes transmission even less likely for me.  But with Charlie, he’s got to be using a condom for his own sake as well as any partner’s sake.  It’s just not worth the risk when there is a direct exchange of bodily fluids which is much more common in hetero sex situations..if you get my drift.

I used to do some prevention and education work around HIV and AIDS and I make sure that I stay abreast of the most recent stuff always.  It’s quite a manageable disease now, I take a combination of 4 drugs once a day and it keeps my virus in check. Lucky for modern science and research we now have a normal life expectance with HIV.  But still there is quite a bit of stigma and misinformation out there.  If you have any questions that I could answer ever, please feel free to shoot me an email or put it in the comments.

Happy Dance

Everything is lined up and ready for me to get into my new place!  I am psyched and more than ready to be IN it now!  The dogs are even doing the “we’re not happy” dance because they LOVE it here at Laurie and Otis’s place in the woods!  So much room to run and kunger around in the dirt.  They will have to be brought up here often to run and play I can see that already!  We’ve been super comfortable here, and it’s awesome of my cousin and her husband to help us out like this.  I should be in the new place by the end of the month.  Thus I am doing a very happy dance.

The holidays are coming, winter is coming and so is the stressful time of the year for me.  Between the stress of my moving, my vehicle problems, approaching holidays, pending snowfall, and seasonal depression I am a bit of a wreck emotionally right now.  I’ve been trying to look to the bright side of things, look forward to being in my new home and decorating for Christmas a little bit – I  won’t go all out this year as I don’t think I will be really ready to do so because of moving in and getting organized, which has to come first and foremost.

The financial strain of all of this is really getting to me.  It’s going to be a thin type of Christmas this year.  I’ll try to get the kids a gift each, but I’m not going to be Santa Claus to anyone unfortunately.  I hate that everything is happeing at once, December is just destined to be a very hard month…financially especially, and I’m already stressing over it.  Just got to play things very close to the vest.

Christmas celebrations with my family are always mostly gatherings for mimosa breakfasts, big afternoon dinners, and Christmas parties.  I always love seeing everyone, and all seem to be in jolly moods generally.  It’s always a good time, and a happy time of year.  I’m sure we’ll have snow, it will be a white Christmas again this year. I’ve heard conflicting reports about whether we’ll have a hard winter or an easier winter than last year.  It’s almost Thanksgiving and we haven’t had snow yet…last year we had major snow around Halloween! I’m hoping like hell it’s at least a little easier than last year, and that it holds off until after I get moved!  Moving in the snow will SUCK.

 

 

 

Ex’s and Friends

Let’s talk about being friends with an ex.  Can it be done?

Autostraddle did an article about it today, the question being asked was when you constantly fight with an ex after you’ve broken up, and are trying to be “friends” is it worth it?   I think it’s like letting them live mortgage free in your heart and life without the commitment of a relationship.  Most of us need a clean break when we split up with someone, that way the hurt is left in the past and it’s easier to get over. Remaining friends can be very very tricky, and if you are still fighting over things that happened before then maybe it’s not completely “over” because it takes some passion to fight, and if that passion is still there then how can it be over?

I know that I have always tried to be on good terms with my ex’s, not always easy in the beginning to do, but I can say I have not made any enemies.  I don’t keep them as close friends, I refer to them as more like people I used to know.  I don’t have regular contact with any of them. If I did it would be because I was still interested in pursuing a relationship, and generally when it’s “over” for me, it’s over.  I don’t care to keep them in my life more than absolutely necessary.  We split for a reason, and that reason has never been to just become “friends” for me.

I have a couple of ex’s, on is my ex-wife of almost 14 years, that live relatively close by to me, and I do not see, call or text them at all. If we run into one another somewhere I am corial, polite and it usually is just a quick hello and how ya doin, then we go our normal separate ways.

To me friends are people in my life that I never wanted to have more intimate relations with, if I did then they were “more than friends” to me, and that’s very different.  I can’t really see being close friends with someone what I had a more intimate relation desire with, no matter how far it went – or didn’t.

I think that I have always treated my ex’s decently, with respect and have let them get on with their lives as they have let me get on with mine.  I don’t recall any that I have ill feelings for, I’ve dated some really awesome women, and had the priveledge to really love a couple beyond words. Those were the hardest ones to really remain friends with, I think when a relationship is over for me that moving on becomes a priority and to do that I need space and time to myself to process the thoughts, put closure on things and look to the future.

What do you think about ex’s becoming friends?  How close is too close?  If you are fighting after the break up, are things really “finished” completely?  Where does that passion come from?