Hours

I am mere hours now away from having the keys to the front door of my new home in hand.  I’m way excited, and very anxious at the same time. I’m praying everything goes off without any problem and in a mere 18 hours I’ll be unlocking the front door to deposit the dogs into their new abode and start hauling stuff from my storage unit into the place.

I’ve arranged to rent a Uhaul on Tuesday to get everything moved from my large storage unit, some of the furniture will be donated to Re-store which is a Habitat for Humanity fundraising organization, and I will be getting some new stuff on Wednesday.  I figured new place, new furniture would be a good investment.

I’m rather excited specifically about my new office room and all it’s beautiful windows of light.  Of course getting my heavy desk in there isn’t going to be a picnic at all, but once it’s in it’s never moving ever again.  I figure this will be my home until the end.  I can’t wait to set up the computer and do a new video for my Youtube channel from there.  I did one today from here where I am staying because I miraculously found my web cam in my quick packed stuff.  I didn’t even know I had it with me this whole month of being in limbo. I could have been doing videos all along.  Or using Skype.

The dogs don’t get what the hell is up.  They’ve gotten so used to our routine here in the woods now that it’s going to be a change to be taken out on a lead and being limited to a much smaller yard area.  Nola will adapt quickly as usual, she’s smart like that once she figures out her boundaries she’s good to go.  The puppy thinks the world is her playground and just jaunts about hoity-toity like nothing is in her way and nowhere is off limits.  So definitely setting up a lead to tie her out on.  Now that she’s mostly house broken and doesn’t use the wee pads as much I want to keep that up and keep her going outside to do her business. She is not yet good at “reliable recall”…she doesn’t come when she is called, thus I constantly have to go and fetch her to bring her back in.  Thankfully she doesn’t run away from me and make me play catch wtih her or I would have throttled her by now.  She sees me coming and just sits and waits to be picked up.  Maybe she has ME trained!

I doubt that I will be writing here for the next few days.  I will update my Facebook from my phone but that’s about it.  I won’t have internet or television for a couple of days as I have to have them hooked up.  The previous owner of the house had that stupid Dish TV and there are ugly black cables strung all around outside the house for that….I HOPE there is one there somewhere for Comcast cable, which is what I use for my internet and cable service.  If not they’ll have to come out and install one for me.  All those calls get made tomorrow.  Electricity, gas, cable…all those normal household expenses that must be connected in my name.

I do have fresh batteries in my camera so I will be taking lots of pictures I am sure.  I just need to remain calm and collected, to get this done in a reasonable and organized manner.  More chaos right now would not be good for me!  I’m sure it will all go fine, I just get nervous about things too easily.

Thanks for all of the comments and emails of support.  I do appreciate you my readers for following me through what has been a few very rough months–in more ways than one.  But this is a new beginning for me and I am going to make it a good one and myself better than ever.

~Peace!

~MB

The Countdown

I’m 2 days from having my own place again, and I couldn’t be more full of axiety, stressed out or excited. There isn’t enough Lorazapam in the world to cure my anxiety right now.

I ditched my GMC over in the pool store parking lot for a while, I’m driving one of the pool company trucks.  It pays when your family owns a company that has multiple vehicles that you can use.

Having the pick up trukc will help with the moving too. I have rented a big 17′ Uhaul truck for the major piece of it; cleaning out the 10’x 20′ storage unit where the main lot of my household goods are stored.  I have one smaller storage unit in a different location where most of my art supplies and collectibles are stored for now.  I am going to focus on getting the larger unit emptied in one fell swoop on Tuesday morning.  I’ve arranaged help and have it all set up.  Thank goodness for good friends!  I do hate moving as much as anyone else, but I have kept my cool and kept the things very organized so it should go off fairly smoothly.

Once I am in the new place this old computer is history.  I have a new one waiting in it’s box for a nice fresh start.  I have to fight with this one evey time I want to do anything, it freezes, the mouse won’t work, and it does all sorts of aggravating quirkly things.  I think I will talk it to Bob and have hime strip it down and clean it out, repair whatever is up with the mouse pad and get it back into working order.  The new one I have is an HP desktop, on the  all-in-one units.  I ‘ll keep this one once it’s fixed as my laptop for travelling and working outside on the porch.  My webcam is in storage wtih my other stuff, thus I haven’t made any videos for my Youtube channel lately either.  I have gotten lots of requests to do so, so that will be coming soon too.  Once the camera is located and everything is set up!  I’m so fucking excited to get it all back to normal.

A friend of mine came across this most interesting question:

I you had to live rest of your life in a library, a museum, or a zoo which would you choose?

I find this to be a very thought provoking question.  In a library you would be enclosed inside all the time, but you wouldhave the world literally at your fingertips.  You could read and study anything you wished, you’d have maps and photos and everything you could ever know about any subject that tickled your fancy on any given day.

The museum would be very interesting too, but again you are basically secluded behind 4 walls and don’t necessarily get to see the outdoors but you do get to intereact with many very cool exhibits, learning and stufying to your heart’s content.  The archealologist in me would love begin suck with a bunch of that stuff to study and ponder.

Now the zoo appeals to me the most because it has live creatures that I can love and care for.  I could spend my days watching them play in the enclosures, and I may even be able to befriend some.  I am assuming the zoo has outdoor space for the large animals and has habitats and all.  I’m imaginning the best zoo you could have here.  So I would be able to be outside in the weather and also inside when I chose.  I think I would be happiest in the zoo.

What do you think?  What would you pick?

~Peace

MB

 

 

Bored…and waiting

I’m about to go stir-crazy insane!  I’m so bored just hanging out waiting on the date that I can move into my new place, the time is draggin on and it’s just driving me nuts.  I read, I write, I color my mandalas and I watch TV…it’s about as boring as it can get.  I’m staying at someone else’s house and it’s quite a ways from my normal “stomping” grounds. So the normal people that I see are quite a ways away.  I’ve been h anging out with my cousin quite a bit, going to Christmas fairs and penny sales.  Who knew about these penny sale things…it’s quite a process.  I had never attended one before, and I find it fascinating to watch people buy the tickets to “win” the prizes.  Most of the places that do it are doing it as fund raisers so the money goes to various good causes. Right now it’s mostly for the kids for Christmas.

I’ve been struggling a bit with my addiction issues.  Recently I was taken off of my long term opiate pain killer regimen…because I tested positive for things I should not have had in my system and the practitioner didn’t like that.  So I am struggling with pain issues, plus the mental and physical effects of withdrawal from the opiates.  I’m considering investigating the suboxone/subutex treatment for addictions. But it’s really hard to think about going to a doctor and saying “hey, I’m an addict and I don’t want to be using illicit substances, so can I get something to curb that craving?”  At one time in my life I was pretty much an illicit substance addict and I don’t want to go back there, but without my prescription meds I have that craving and need all the time.  It’s something that’s been an issue for several weeks now, and it’s really bothering me.  I think I would be a good candidate for the suboxone treatment and I understand it can be a long term thing which is okay with me as long as I don’t have to fight these intense cravings all the time.  I am so afraid of falling back into old bad habits…that would just suck.  It’s not something I am proud to talk about, but it’s a very big factor in my depression and in my life right now.

Sunday Mumbles…

Lulu gave me the worries yesterday, she wasn’t herself all day, acted like she had a tummy ache.  She didn’t want to play at all, which is just NOT like her at all, and she was being lethargic and whining little mewing type of whines.  Finally after giving her a drop of peppermint and some white rice she started to act like she was a bit more comfortable.  Today she woke up her usual chipper, playful self and all seems to be back to normal.

Now the last week of November is upon us, I should be hearing about when I can get moved into my new place sometime here at the beginning of the week.  It’s probably going to be the 30th. I am anxious, but I know it’s going to happen in the next week or so, so I am trying to just be patient and keep things together.

Thursday will be Thanksgiving and I will be spending the day at my parents’ home eating turkey and being thankful for all that I have in my life. I’m thankful for my good health, and the good health of my family especially.

WordPress has done it again, presenting and seemingly forcing us to use a new editor.  I haven’t figured it totally out yet.  It seems they are always changing things up. I like how they have restored the draft saving function, which didn’t seem to be there with the last editor. I like WP in general, and it’s kept me on my toes with all of the updates and changes!

Alot of people are talking about Charlie Sheen and his recent disclosure that he is HIV positive.  I got several messages, with questions and a video of somene doing a piece about this…first of all I commend him on disclosing his status, that has to be very difficult when you are a very public figure like he is.  And it’s got to be bringing his former partners out of the woodwork with questions for him about when he knew, etc.

I am one who always discloses my positive status to potential partners, then they have the option whether to get involved with me or not. I’ve never had a problem, except that it is a difficult conversation to have with someone.  I keep my viral load on the undetectable side, which means that I have very little virus in my system and am less likely to ever transmit the virus to anyone else.  Plus I am stone butch lesbian, which makes transmission even less likely for me.  But with Charlie, he’s got to be using a condom for his own sake as well as any partner’s sake.  It’s just not worth the risk when there is a direct exchange of bodily fluids which is much more common in hetero sex situations..if you get my drift.

I used to do some prevention and education work around HIV and AIDS and I make sure that I stay abreast of the most recent stuff always.  It’s quite a manageable disease now, I take a combination of 4 drugs once a day and it keeps my virus in check. Lucky for modern science and research we now have a normal life expectance with HIV.  But still there is quite a bit of stigma and misinformation out there.  If you have any questions that I could answer ever, please feel free to shoot me an email or put it in the comments.

Happy Dance

Everything is lined up and ready for me to get into my new place!  I am psyched and more than ready to be IN it now!  The dogs are even doing the “we’re not happy” dance because they LOVE it here at Laurie and Otis’s place in the woods!  So much room to run and kunger around in the dirt.  They will have to be brought up here often to run and play I can see that already!  We’ve been super comfortable here, and it’s awesome of my cousin and her husband to help us out like this.  I should be in the new place by the end of the month.  Thus I am doing a very happy dance.

The holidays are coming, winter is coming and so is the stressful time of the year for me.  Between the stress of my moving, my vehicle problems, approaching holidays, pending snowfall, and seasonal depression I am a bit of a wreck emotionally right now.  I’ve been trying to look to the bright side of things, look forward to being in my new home and decorating for Christmas a little bit – I  won’t go all out this year as I don’t think I will be really ready to do so because of moving in and getting organized, which has to come first and foremost.

The financial strain of all of this is really getting to me.  It’s going to be a thin type of Christmas this year.  I’ll try to get the kids a gift each, but I’m not going to be Santa Claus to anyone unfortunately.  I hate that everything is happeing at once, December is just destined to be a very hard month…financially especially, and I’m already stressing over it.  Just got to play things very close to the vest.

Christmas celebrations with my family are always mostly gatherings for mimosa breakfasts, big afternoon dinners, and Christmas parties.  I always love seeing everyone, and all seem to be in jolly moods generally.  It’s always a good time, and a happy time of year.  I’m sure we’ll have snow, it will be a white Christmas again this year. I’ve heard conflicting reports about whether we’ll have a hard winter or an easier winter than last year.  It’s almost Thanksgiving and we haven’t had snow yet…last year we had major snow around Halloween! I’m hoping like hell it’s at least a little easier than last year, and that it holds off until after I get moved!  Moving in the snow will SUCK.

 

 

 

Ex’s and Friends

Let’s talk about being friends with an ex.  Can it be done?

Autostraddle did an article about it today, the question being asked was when you constantly fight with an ex after you’ve broken up, and are trying to be “friends” is it worth it?   I think it’s like letting them live mortgage free in your heart and life without the commitment of a relationship.  Most of us need a clean break when we split up with someone, that way the hurt is left in the past and it’s easier to get over. Remaining friends can be very very tricky, and if you are still fighting over things that happened before then maybe it’s not completely “over” because it takes some passion to fight, and if that passion is still there then how can it be over?

I know that I have always tried to be on good terms with my ex’s, not always easy in the beginning to do, but I can say I have not made any enemies.  I don’t keep them as close friends, I refer to them as more like people I used to know.  I don’t have regular contact with any of them. If I did it would be because I was still interested in pursuing a relationship, and generally when it’s “over” for me, it’s over.  I don’t care to keep them in my life more than absolutely necessary.  We split for a reason, and that reason has never been to just become “friends” for me.

I have a couple of ex’s, on is my ex-wife of almost 14 years, that live relatively close by to me, and I do not see, call or text them at all. If we run into one another somewhere I am corial, polite and it usually is just a quick hello and how ya doin, then we go our normal separate ways.

To me friends are people in my life that I never wanted to have more intimate relations with, if I did then they were “more than friends” to me, and that’s very different.  I can’t really see being close friends with someone what I had a more intimate relation desire with, no matter how far it went – or didn’t.

I think that I have always treated my ex’s decently, with respect and have let them get on with their lives as they have let me get on with mine.  I don’t recall any that I have ill feelings for, I’ve dated some really awesome women, and had the priveledge to really love a couple beyond words. Those were the hardest ones to really remain friends with, I think when a relationship is over for me that moving on becomes a priority and to do that I need space and time to myself to process the thoughts, put closure on things and look to the future.

What do you think about ex’s becoming friends?  How close is too close?  If you are fighting after the break up, are things really “finished” completely?  Where does that passion come from?

 

 

Noteable Quote…

“Sometimes you cahllenge life, sometimes it challenges you.  It’s what you do in the face of challenges that defines who you are and the direction of your life.”

(Travis Roy, former hockey star and motivational speaker.  From a recent speech he gave at Marshwood Middle School here in South Berwick, ME.)

Shame and Vulnerability…thoughts

The topic of shame has been popping up repeatedly in my life lately.  It makes me wonder if the universe is sending me some sort of signal to look at the pattern of shame in my life and try to understand why it is that I need to reflect on this right now.

I know that I have been a bit hard on myself recently about this move and how screwed up it feels like it has been.  It’s very hard for me to ask for help with anything and I have been forced to do that – not even so much for myself as for my dogs who depend upon me for that roof and food supply.  I would have lived in my truck had it not been for having to take care of them, before I would have asked for help with a place to stay.  Fortunately my cousin, bless her soul, offered me a place before I even had to ask, but still it’s hard to accept help…why is this?

I think it goes back to childhood and my attempts to please my parents – particularly my father.  I would be ashamed if I did not please him, which was most of the time. Plus I had shame in my sexuality, not understanding fully but knowing I was different and it was not “okay” at that time.  I was always ashamed when I would have to ask for help with anything, which I think is just the pride of wanting to do things myself.

I’ve seen a couple of bloggers write about this, and I’ve been redirected to Brene’ Brown’s work on shame, vulnerability and the power of being “enough”.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I was “enough” for most of my life.  I always felt that I lacked something, intelligence, strength, stability, and other things.  I was never enough of a “girl” and sometimes I feel ike I am not enough of a Butch.  I used to have shame in my identity of being Butch, even though I did not deny it, it brought me shame because others influenced me with their words.  “Don’t be so rough” “Try to tone it down a bit” and “You are a girl, act like one.”  That last one I heard during my growing up as well as up to just recently.

I tend to keep to myself, and I’ve felt some shame in that at times.  People will tell me to get out and live a little.  They don’t realize that I feel socially inept and very self conscious. People think I am this overly confident Butch that nothing bothers, when that is not the case, many things bother me and I often have a lot of things on my mind. My life is not all roses and perfection at all, my troubles seem to haunt me on a regular basis.  Lately more than usual, and I feel very vulnerable because of this.  I feel vulnerable emotionally like I can’t trust anyone to get too close to me anymore.  I allowed it and it bit me in the ass big time.  Now I am very very wary of allowing it to happen again anytime soon. Somehow I need to overcome this intense feeling of vulnerability and become more confident again.  I need to process things differently and find a way to trust again.   Thinking about taking that risk again just makes me feel vulnerable.

I’ve spent today reading and watching videos on these subject of shame and vulnerability.  It’s been insightful and reflective.   It’s been a rather quiet day, as my cousin isn’t feeling well, thus she’s stayed in bed all day and Otis is outside working with his Case 530 and the log splitter loading wood for the wood stove into the basement.  He’s an interesting guy, he always seems to find something to do around here.  It is a pretty big piece of property and does require a bit of upkeep, and he’s right into doing it all.  Can’t wait til I have that problem again here soon!  I miss puttering around the house finding projects that need attention. I am just so bored right now it’s stupid.  I have been helping out around the house, but trying to also stay out of the way too.

That’s it for today’s thoughts, and post.  I hope everyone is having a stellar weekend and staying warm!  ~Peace!    MB

Daily Quote

“I like not only to be loved, but to be told i am loved.”   George Eliot

Why Should I Keep Blogging?

I just read the most awesome and inspirational blog about what keeps people like me blogging and writing.  Despite having major computer issues right now, I am compelled to write more and more.  I am battling the computer and still I love it, I have a serious passion for writing that’s what spurs me on to continue to post to this blog even though I feel like it is somewhat “stuck” right now.

I had the thought that maybe NOW is the time…right now…to take the leap and make some MAJOR changes to this blog.  It’s time to do some house keeping, to delete some old blogs, perhaps update some, reorganize and spiff it up a bit.  I have all this time on my hands with waiting for this move to happen, why not use it to improve something that is near and dear to me – my BLOG! Yeah, that’s the ticket, I need to seriously focus on doing exactly this.

I’ve been blogging here and elsewhere since 2008.  This was not my original or first blog, I think I started way back on AOL (remember those days?) and when I quit AOL I smartly printed out my whole blog on there, which I have neatly tucked away in my files in storage.  Some of that stuff would be great to re-read and edit to post on WP.  I eventually ended up here a few years back – I can’t even remember when now!  I really like WP’s platform, the options and the fact that it’s free.  I never could really get into building myself a real webpage, although I did try a couple of times over the years, I just never quite figured it out.  I don’t have to do much of that kind of work with WP, I can post all I want, and I have rarely tweaked the pages much.  There is a LOT of crap, tons of posts that can be deleted (and will be very soon), and moved around.

Right now I have 423 public posts, 15 private posts and 82 documents I’ve written sitting in my “drafts” box!  Amazingly I have just over 330 followers/readers, and I’m just 34 views shy of 100K!  I NEVER check my stats or look to see where my readers are coming from, but I did today after reading Greatness via Passion’s blog titled “The Most Important Reason Why You Should Keep Blogging” – an awesome MUST READ for all fellow bloggers.

There are so many things that keep me blogging.  Recently I’ve been blogging about mundane things going on in my life, but in the past I have blogged about all sorts of topics mostly related to living Butch in a small southern Maine town. I blogged about love for a while when I was in a rather heated situation with someone, but I have now chosen not to blog about my love life at all.  It’s something that I will probably continue now to keep private and I will be removing all of the blogs related to that affair as well, although I have to say it was some of my more passionate writing from the heart.  It was not worth the pain in the end.  And is not something I wish to remain in this blog any longer than it takes me to bring the posts down to my private stash.  It’s a year of my life that I will just keep in private memory, and that does not need to be read by any future readers.

Some of the reasons I blog are….

*Passion for writing, the process and the thinking involved

*Community building, meeting new people, making new friends and cultivating great relationships and stronger connections.

*Therapeutic stress relief.  I tend to be very stressed out and writing helps me to think things through.  I am passionate about life and what I am doing all the time, writing keeps me grounded and on track.  It’s also a lot cheaper than the weekly visit to the head doctor!

*Wanting to somehow change the world one blog and one person at a time, to make my mark and let my opinions be heard.  I love a good discussion, and when one of my blogs spurs a discussion I am very pleased.  I promise to do a much better job now of responding to comments to make that happen a bit more!

*I love to share my life and stories with other in hopes of maybe inspiring someone else along the way.  I welcome comments and emails anytime.

*To embrace my life today, and to remember how I got here.

For these, and a ton of other reasons too long to list, I shall remain dedicated to this blog and I won’t give up (as I have been considering doing as of late).  I will be making many changes, and doing much weeding of the garbage out of it, like I have said.

I thank Greatness Via Passion for the inspiration and for really lighting a fire under my ass….yeah I will probably continue to swear, it’s something I do when I am really passionate about something or some subject.  🙂

Please if you are a writer/blogger go read Greatness Via Passion’s blog (link above) and I hope you are also inspired to really look at why you blog and tell us why too, and tell us what you plan for your blog going forward!  ~Peace~

~MB