Numb

What a week.  I feel like I am numb from all the chaos in my life right now.  I don’t know how to act or react to anything.  I’ve had to boot a person out of my life, am struggling to find housing right now, and I feel just spent inside.  I don’t feel like I have much to offer anyone at this point in time, thus I have been staying to myself mostly.  I have been doing a little bit of writing, but mostly just to destress from the situations and nothing that I really want to publish here.  It was just a super rough week.

When someone gets all high and mighty, and indignant with me I tend to get really angry and lash back.  That’s the case with the ex-friend I now have, I just couldn’t take any more text lashings from her, and had to put a final end to it. For her good as well as my own, I had to tell her to go the fuck away.  She left me no choice, she didn’t wish to be anything more than “just friends” with me, and yet she knew that I felt much, much more.  I couldn’t see remaining friends with someone who says that I am not worthy.  Fuck that.  I don’t need new friends that bad, I have plenty of good friends already.

The house I am in is sold, the sale closes at the end of this month.  I have nowhere to go right now.  I’ve been searching for a new place for quite some time now, and the deals I had on two different places have fallen through for one reason or another.  It looks like I will be putting my stuff all into storage and perhaps staying with a family member until I can find something.  It just sucks.  I wish we had not sold this place that I have right now….it sold too fast, and I didn’t have a new place lined up before this one sold.  It would be a miracle if the sale on this place fell through too…that would actually be the perfect solution to this mess.

Oh well, it’s all part of the live and learn cycle I guess.  Like I said I just feel numb, I can’t quite figure out what to think or feel right now.  I’m sure reality will set in as I get all my stuff into storage and am forced to deal with it head on.  Right now I do alot of sitting and thinking, I’m bored out of my mind with the waiting game.

The foliage is in peak viewing stage right now. The leaves are just beautiful. Fall in New England is just a gorgeous time of year.  I didn’t go to any of the fall fairs this year, just wasn’t into it.  But the weather has been great, so I know the fairs were very successful I am sure.

I met another new woman, and would like to be talking to her more…but she’s convinced that I am not over the foreign chick and doesn’t want to get overly involved with me until I am over her.  I think I am just really inept at dating nowadays.  I get shy and am not sure what to say or do.  Yes, I was super into the foreign chick, but it’s over now, and I have mentally put it away. There is nothing else I could do, as she didn’t want the same things that I do, and I want to be with someone who does want those same things; the same kind of relationship.  I want there to be some serious passion and love in my life for a change.

I am super shy when it comes to liking someone.  It takes a lot for me to open up and trust someone.  It doesn’t just happen overnight.  And after what I just went though I feel even more guarded now.  I don’t care to do that again in this life. Sure, I wish it had turned out differently after all I put into it, but it didn’t and I can’t change that, so I just need to move on and live my life….I’m starting with finding a new damned house!  That has to be priority right now.  New house, new beginnings.

2015 is just going to be a year that I need to be over with, and that I need to not remember all the bullshit I have gone through this year.  It’s really been a tough one.

Peace!  ~MB

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Author: MainelyButch

I am a pretty relaxed, proud, Butch and a native Mainer who enjoys reading, writing, blogging, vlogging and social interaction. I live in southern Maine, near the coast with my 2 small dogs and I hail from a very large, loving family that is historically rooted here. I write about my life, my experiences, living successfully with HIV, my YouTube experiences, and just about anything that piques my interest. This blog may contain profanity and sexual situations, and is not intended for younger audiences. Read at your own risk. At 54 I see life as just beginning a new chapter, and have decide this is the time that I need to write the stories that got me to this point. I believe we live our lives in chapters, changing, evolving and moving continuously with the times. I love to laugh, have discussions, debates and even the occasional nonsense conversation! I generally enjoy people, but not drama, hatred, ignorance or those who choose to feel they are somehow elite or superior to another simply due to their mere existence. I try to be very conscious of the health of the world around me - environmentally, socially, economically, and ethically. The people who are dear to me know me as having a tough exterior, filled with marshmallow and crunchy peanut butter. I continually strive to be the best I can be, especially to address life head on...always.

7 thoughts on “Numb”

  1. Keep looking, you will find your place. Remember that moving is one of life’s major stressors, on an equal par with dealing with death, break-ups, and health issues. So go easy on yourself! Eventually you will find a place you like for the right price. Stay well.

  2. Sorry Ang, this really sucks. I hope things change for the better quickly for you. Just take one day at a time and be good to yourself. At times like this we tend to question the universe and why rotten things happen to us, is it to make us stronger or bring us down? Don’t overthink things and you will see your way out of this. You are the strongest person I know and I know that your life is on the right track even if you can’t see it right now. Sending you only good thoughts and encouragement.
    Bert ~smile~

  3. I’m sorry you are going through this. Moving is always a stressful situation. Hopefully you will find a place and peace soon.

  4. Hello Angie ~ I’ve been following your site on youtube for quite a few years, and now reading your blogs here. One thing I know: you have pulled yourself out of a lot of tough situations. When you did not know where to turn, how to turn, when to turn, and what to turn to, you were led through those deep waters. It will happen again I have no doubt in my mind and heart. One thing that has really helped me when I didn’t know what my next thought could be, what to do or where to go, how to live, was the thought “Just Keep Going.” Baby steps, hon. Be very gentle with yourself because of your wounded feelings and the need to move and think and feel – again. You WILL make it and it’s going to get better. An ex-friend of mine and her husband just moved. They thought they had a lot of time after putting their house up for sale. It was put on the market one morning, and sold at 5:00 that afternoon! So, right now they’re renting an apartment in the town where they want to be and have the easy convenience and no push at finding their new digs. You will be okay, Ang. Baby steps. P.S. I am so sorry about your broken heart. What a broad path with many people going through the same. That special one is coming. The one you’ve recently met sounds 🙂

    1. Ha – I have to reply to my own comment: the last sentence should read “The one you’ve recently met sounds very wise, and sounds like she wants to start fresh with a dear butch who is not heavily weighed down by old baggage. Ah, now that may be a name for the foreign gal – “old baggage”. Ha

    2. Thanks Moonstar, I appreciate your comments and input. I am trying hard to just take it one day at a time. That’s all I can do right now. Things are so up in the air, and I am just feeling my way through it all. 🙂 MB

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