Thursday Thoughts

I am trudging along day by day here still.  Yesterday I broke down the aquarium and sent the fish off to a new home, sent the tank off to a friend who wanted it and got that mess all cleaned up.  One less thing to move and store!  I do plan to have a new aquarium once I am resettled into a new space.  They are making a “wide screen” type now that is thinner from front to back, like a flat screen TV sort of, like about 9″ front to back, and it looks really cool.  Plus it will take up less space!  I’ve got it in my memory banks now for future set up.  Maybe if I can get a camera to work around here I will take a photo of the one set up down at the pet shop and post it here for you all to see.  I really like having an aquarium in my house, it’s soothing to watch and fun to keep fish.  I’ve always had one, my mom got me my first one when I was about 5; she gave it to me for Christmas, hid it under the kitchen sink, all set up, until Christmas day!  So since then I have generally had one or two of them in my spaces!

Lulu got a full grooming by Meri the other day.  Got her nails clipped….what a job that was!  I had to basically muckle on to her and hold her down while Meri clipped them.  She is one strong little shit for a 3.5# dog!  She HATES to have her nails clipped.  And I don’t know why, she’s never had one miscut or been hurt while doing it.  It’s just her most hated grooming thing.  She then had a nice bath and clip, complete with softening conditioner and wow she looks some pretty!  She is just the sweetest little dog,  very social and very loving.  I’m really glad that she appreared in my life when she did, she’s very special to me.

Nola is doing well too. She has fully adjusted to having the pain in the ass little “sister” around and does really well with her.  Lulu tends to tease poor Nola alot,  but Nola has put her in her place a few times, which just has to happen.  I cannot continuously be there to be a barrier between the two, so Nola has to stick up for herself when Lulu goes into the teasing mode.  The two of then do sleep together on the couch.  It doesn’t bother Nola now when Lulu is “touching” her, as long as she’s not pawing at her a lot.

Sadly my mother had to have her little old dog, Maggie Mae, put to sleep yesterday.  Maggie was 14 and had congestive heart failure.  So she hasn’t been well the last year or so, Mom would medicate her every day diligently and make her as comfortable as possible.  But yesterday it just came to a head and there was nothing more they could do for the little dog.  I think Mag knew it was time to go too, she was a loving and faithful little companion for my mom for all those years.  It’s sad that pets have so much shorter life spans than we do as humans, we lose them long before we are ready to let go.  Mom has one other little dog left, Mr. Gemmi.  I call him Whitey Bulger because he’s pure white, a chihuahua and very unsociable.  He’s a little gangster!  But he loves my mother beyond all, and he will help her through her grief over the loss of Maggie.  He’s also quite a bit younger and will be around for a few more years still.  My mother is such a loving and kind person, and a true animal lover.  She adores her little dogs, and has always had 1-3 around.  Now she’s just got Gemmi and the 3 cats.  I know she will miss Maggie, but I hope she understands that she gave that little dog 14 great years of love and caring, and she did the right thing in the end by making that hardest decision a pet owner has to make.

I’ve been getting stuff into storage as much as possible anyway.  I have a big truck reserved for next Wednesday and will move all of the furniture then.  By then I should have all of the boxed stuff, and most of the smaller pieces moved to storage already.  So with some friends helping me, I should be able to get this place totally cleaned out by the end of the day on Wednesday.  Then I will clean it all up on Thursday and the sale is due to take place on Friday.  That’s all if things go as scheduled.  It all feels very sureal right now, I am still feeling like I am in limbo, but I am trying like hell to be patient and optimistic about the future and finding a new place.  I’ve had a bit of seller’s remorse, wishing that we had located a new place to live BEFORE this place got sold.  But things will work out, they always do right?  I just have to keep looking forward and looking to the future and building toward better things.  Good damned thing I am such a strong minded Butch, and so bull-headed.  I tend to be the type that will MAKE things happen and work out.  I don’t like to give up on anything easily.

I’ve had a lot of time to do a lot of deep thinking lately.  I’ve done much serious reflection on the last year of my life and thought about what I am doing and what I want to change or make different for the coming year ahead.  I like to have a plan in place, 1 year, 3 year and 5 year plans are good ways to keep things on track for me.  Moving right about now was part of my 5 year plan when I moved back here from Arkansas in 2011.  So I am basically on schedule with that.  My one year plan had me trading my vehicle for a truck about now, but I am putting that off for a while until I get the housing situation settled once again.  Patience, patience!  All things will happen in due time.

I am a little behind in my blogging and that is partially because I’ve had some minor computer issues, and WordPress keeps changing little things that just perplex me.  I know my blogs are a little boring, but they are more of a sort of journal for me and a space where I can vent a little about what’s going on.  It really does help me to write about things, think them out and write them down.  It helps me make sense of things.  Although I cannot make total sense of all that happened in the last year, I can certainly learn from all of the experiences I had.  It has definitely been a very trying year, and I went through a lot of hard stuff emotionally.  But I am a better person for it all, I am sure.  You can’t grow without dealing with some challenges along the way.

The sun is starting to come up, so I will get showered and start this day off here.  Let’s see if we can’t make some good things happen today!  🙂  ~MB

Patience…

Flannel season has officially begun.  My minimized closet, which has been minimized due to my packing to put everything but the bare necessities into storage, holds all of 5 flannel shirts and 2 cotton button downs for those dressier occasions should they arise.

This time of year is my favorite actually.  I love my flannel shirts, my dungarees and work boots with thermal socks.  I love the layers of clothing and feeling warm and snug. I’ve even had to wear a jacket a few times lately, it’s been getting just that cold.  I love waking up to the crisp clean Autumn air, rustling colored leaves and pretty blue skies that seem to be just a bit brighter with their fluffy white clouds around this time of year.  There’s just nothing like Fall in New England in my opinion!  Nothing like it!  It’s just a truly beautiful time of year.

Nothing has been going right lately.  I’m packing all of my belongings into a storage unit in Portsmouth.  I still have no place to live as of yet.  And my life feels like it’s in total limbo.  I’ve been hanging in there by a thread, feeling a little bit lower every day.  It’s just not what I am used to.  I’m so much more organized than this usually, having everything around me in utter chaos feels very wrong.

I have to be out of here by the end of the month, and I will stay with my parents for a short while, and maybe with my cousin for a while if I don’t find anything suitable for the dogs and me soon.  I’ve never had this issue, the being sort of homeless issue that is, as I have always known where I was going to go to next, either to a new home, apartment or whatever.  This just feels real disconcerting to be in this sort of limbo.  The dogs are worrying me too.  I have to take care of them and their needs as well. They will stay with me wherever I go, but it will be a time of turmoil for them too.

My truck, which I just dropped a boatload of cash into fixing a couple of months ago has issues again….if it doesn’t rain in my life – it pours!  Just what I needed right now when things are so incredibly financially tight because of my moving and storage and the whole housing thing.  Seems that I have a major power steering line leak, and on a GMC Envoy those lines are long and wrapped all up under the engine, go to a small cooler and back to the pump (which is new).  The line leak is causing me to have to add a pint of fluid a day to the system.  Replacing these lines is a major deal, I was quoted the top end of $1400 for the repair – worst case scenario – today.  I can’t afford that.  Just not going to happen. So I will keep adding fluid and limping it along.  I really need to get rid of this SUV and get something else – like another small beater pick-up truck.

So, as you can tell I am in a deeply frustrating point in my life right now. With everything going on, I am just not sure which way to turn, or what to do.  I try to go patiently through my days and maintain my cool.  I realize that there is only so much I can do right now and that everything is going to take time.  I just hope that I can continue to have this patience and not go crazy in the meantime.  🙂  haha

I haven’t been doing much socially lately, haven’t been online much or been very talkative with people.  I just have too much on my mind and haven’t felt real good about my whole situation lately.  It’s not like I am doing a whole lot that gives me much to talk about besides just packing stuff, hauling stuff to storage and waiting for whatever is next in my days ahead.

Been doing a lot of reading online and watching of Youtube videos lately.  Just for entertainment mostly. I have Netflix and am about the dive into the current season of Orange is the New Black, a series which I just love.  Tomorrow I plan to tear down my aquarium and clean it up.  A friend of mine is taking it to set up at her place.  I am going to give the fish to the lady up at the pet store, she can quarantine them and then add them to one of their tanks up there.  If I get another aquarium set up in the future I am going to go with the “slim” tank version, it’s really cool looking and saves a lot of space.  I saw a nice one set up at Mainely Pets.

So, physically I am doing pretty well, mentally and emotionally I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but I’m hanging in there.  I hope you are all well and enjoying this beautiful time of year!  🙂  ~MB~

Beautiful Day

So in the midst of all of the chaos in my life I have begun the process of quitting smoking.  It’s just too damned expensive of a bad habit and I want to be smoke-free and not dependent upon cigarettes like I have been for much of my life.  Great time to quit huh?  Well, my problems are miniscule compared to some peoples’ issues, and I know that.  Somehow I will come out of this tough spot I am in right now and I will land on my feet I just know.

I spent the day today helping my Mom unpack at her new house.  She and Dad bought a really nice new place.  I really like it and am happy that they found this particular property and decided to purchase it.  They are in their 70’s now and this will be their last house, they tried the retirement community living for 5 years after selling our homestead of 44 years. The retirement setting wasn’t really what they wanted, it was too restrictive about what you could and couldn’t do on your own property, so they ran into this new place – which is just perfect for them – and now we are moving them in and getting them settled.  Both of my parents are in great shape, don’t let their chronological age fool ya!  They are working right along like a couple of 40 somethings, and loving every minute of it.  I can see Mom having herself a pen full of Rhode Island Red chickens in the next year or so…she does love raising chickens, which is something she couldn’t do in the retirement community. Also, the new place has a large in-ground swimming pool like the B&B had, so that’s a huge bonus to all of us!  🙂  I can already envision pool parties and pool-side outings in the future!

I’m having a bitch of a time finding myself a new place.  Not much on the market in my price range right now.  I’m hoping that some new places will come up in November, although it is the holiday season…I’m running out of options with what is on the market currently.  There is one brand new place that I have looked at, but it’s about half the size of my current place….ugh…downsizing right now isn’t what I was looking forward to, but it may be my only alternative at the moment.

I’m bored tonight and worried about a friend who is in some serious trouble with the law, and it’s affected everyone in her family now.  I know I worry about my own housing and stuff, but this person has real serious issues to try to work out somehow.  I don’t know how people do it, how do you get from rock bottom to some form of stability when the rug is pulled from beneath you?  I am in no position to complain about my minor issues when there are people in this world with much bigger fish to fry than my meager minnow-sized problem!  And my friend has 2 small children in the picture, which complicates things even more…she also has a dead-beat husband who isn’t helping the situation much…wish he would fall off the earth on its next rotation! It makes me so angry that he won’t man-up and get a job and help her care for his kids, it seems so incredibly irresponsible of him in my opinion. I don’t know how he justifies living with himself being like that..especially with two small children to consider.

Tomorrow I am going to go out job hunting again.  Got a couple of places that I would like to apply, and I hope to get something that I can start fairly soon.  I know starting a job in the middle of this moving thing isn’t ideal, but I really need to be doing something more with my extra time.  A job would be a good thing for me right now.  I just need to be sure I tell whoever hires me the situation and that I may need a couple of days off to move at some point.  So tomorrow I will get up, shower and put on some nice clothes and get out there and hopefully get some interviews and get the show on the road!

Ok, it’s late and I need to get some sleep.  Even the dogs are tired after spending the day running around at Mom’s new place – it’s very dog-friendly and safe for them to run loose! They had a great day outside in the beautiful October sunshine and it was about 72 degrees here today!  Nice!

Good night world!  ~Peace!~  MB

Numb

What a week.  I feel like I am numb from all the chaos in my life right now.  I don’t know how to act or react to anything.  I’ve had to boot a person out of my life, am struggling to find housing right now, and I feel just spent inside.  I don’t feel like I have much to offer anyone at this point in time, thus I have been staying to myself mostly.  I have been doing a little bit of writing, but mostly just to destress from the situations and nothing that I really want to publish here.  It was just a super rough week.

When someone gets all high and mighty, and indignant with me I tend to get really angry and lash back.  That’s the case with the ex-friend I now have, I just couldn’t take any more text lashings from her, and had to put a final end to it. For her good as well as my own, I had to tell her to go the fuck away.  She left me no choice, she didn’t wish to be anything more than “just friends” with me, and yet she knew that I felt much, much more.  I couldn’t see remaining friends with someone who says that I am not worthy.  Fuck that.  I don’t need new friends that bad, I have plenty of good friends already.

The house I am in is sold, the sale closes at the end of this month.  I have nowhere to go right now.  I’ve been searching for a new place for quite some time now, and the deals I had on two different places have fallen through for one reason or another.  It looks like I will be putting my stuff all into storage and perhaps staying with a family member until I can find something.  It just sucks.  I wish we had not sold this place that I have right now….it sold too fast, and I didn’t have a new place lined up before this one sold.  It would be a miracle if the sale on this place fell through too…that would actually be the perfect solution to this mess.

Oh well, it’s all part of the live and learn cycle I guess.  Like I said I just feel numb, I can’t quite figure out what to think or feel right now.  I’m sure reality will set in as I get all my stuff into storage and am forced to deal with it head on.  Right now I do alot of sitting and thinking, I’m bored out of my mind with the waiting game.

The foliage is in peak viewing stage right now. The leaves are just beautiful. Fall in New England is just a gorgeous time of year.  I didn’t go to any of the fall fairs this year, just wasn’t into it.  But the weather has been great, so I know the fairs were very successful I am sure.

I met another new woman, and would like to be talking to her more…but she’s convinced that I am not over the foreign chick and doesn’t want to get overly involved with me until I am over her.  I think I am just really inept at dating nowadays.  I get shy and am not sure what to say or do.  Yes, I was super into the foreign chick, but it’s over now, and I have mentally put it away. There is nothing else I could do, as she didn’t want the same things that I do, and I want to be with someone who does want those same things; the same kind of relationship.  I want there to be some serious passion and love in my life for a change.

I am super shy when it comes to liking someone.  It takes a lot for me to open up and trust someone.  It doesn’t just happen overnight.  And after what I just went though I feel even more guarded now.  I don’t care to do that again in this life. Sure, I wish it had turned out differently after all I put into it, but it didn’t and I can’t change that, so I just need to move on and live my life….I’m starting with finding a new damned house!  That has to be priority right now.  New house, new beginnings.

2015 is just going to be a year that I need to be over with, and that I need to not remember all the bullshit I have gone through this year.  It’s really been a tough one.

Peace!  ~MB

Feeling Lonely…and Stressed

It’s a cloudy October Saturday…I over did it a little bit last night and am tired and got a touch of a headache today.  I don’t think I’ll be doing too much today that requires any kind of serious focus or physical energy.  Lazy day at home I think is what I will be doing.  I’m living in a sea of boxes and the place is a bit on the messy side, but it’s all good…it’s only temporary…this too will pass, as they say.

My house hunting is going very slow — at least it’s too slow for me!  I want to know where I am going like right now.  But I must be patient and try not to stress over it too much.  Things will work out, I am sure.  They always seem to play out as the universe has planned for me.  I generally land on my feet!

I did find a place that I want and things are in the works so to speak.  And it doesn’t need any real work done on it at all!  It’s move-in ready as it sits, everything is just about perfect with it, the floors are ALL nice hardwood and it’s got a spacious yard for the pups.  I should be able to get into it by mid-November, if not by the end of October.  Patience, patience, patience…

I am anxious to be in a new space, to have things back to normal in my surroundings and to be less stressed over it all.  I will be so happy when it’s all done and I am all unpacked and settled in.  Although I know that will take me a good part of a month once I get everything I own hauled over there.  I want to unpack very methodically and go through everything…this is a good time to clean out some clutter and lighten the load a bit.

The dogs will also be happy not to be continually bumping into boxes and out of place furniture.  Their new yard (praying things work out the way I hope they will) is pretty nice.  I will be able to put up a nice dog run line so they can be outside and enjoying the sunshine and fresh air.  I did have to talk my way in with 2 dogs, but the park manager was very nice about it and when she understood how tiny they are she was okay with me having 2.

My parents are in the middle of selling their home and moving as well.  The retirement community living thing just isn’t for them, they are too active and independent to be in a place that has so many restrictions.  I am happy that they found this great house with a nice big inground pool and their own land to move into.  Mom can have her chickens again and Dad can build whatever he wants on his house.  In the retirement community that they have lived in the last 5 years, there are a lot of restrictions on what you can and cannot do/have on your lot.  You own the home, but you lease the land it sits on, so someone is always telling you what is what.  I know they will be happier back on their own land and with this larger house they are buying.  I know they are some excited and their house is also a sea of boxes and misplaced furniture right now, along with their 3 cats and 2 dogs….

I’ve been pretty lonely lately.  I have to say that I don’t often feel lonely, even though I am usually alone, but lately it’s been getting to me. Some days I don’t speak to another human being all day.  Some days I got phone crazy and call everyone that I can think of just to break the loneliness up a little bit.  Once I am moved and settled I am going to really put a bit more effort into my relationships, they are in serious need of some first aid I believe.  I’m also going to put more into dating as well.  I have so many opportunities and I just don’t pay enough attention.  Man, it feels like I have so much that needs my attention, and not enough time or energy to get it all done.  I know…patience, patience, patience…

Being Recognized on the Street…Attempted Reblog from QueeringtheNerd

WordPress is messing with my head this morning…where did the “reblog” button go?  Now it’s a “share” button, and it allows you to share across Twitter and Facebook as well?  I thought we were a little different here than on the other standardized social networking sites…I don’t wanna share!  I want to REBLOG!!!

The page I would like to REBLOG is Being Noticed on the Street by QueeringtheNerd’s blog written by PlainT.  It’s just an awesomely written piece about how when you live as an out LGBT person or are seen as a visible couple, people tend to have all sorts of reactions toward you…both positive and negative, some sweet, some violent.  Please take a few minutes to read this…according to WP’s new things here it’s less than a 3-minute read….yes now they are telling us how much time we should take to read each blog.  Maybe next it will be a read it out loud link!  Hahaha!

I have written before about how I am affected by my own appearance…by being very masculine in presentation and very Butch I garner more comments than you may imagine over the course of a day.  When I go out in public I am immediately recognized as part of the LGBT community – particularly the L and the T, often people are confused.  I do not usually correct people when they use the wrong pronouns, it’s just too much for my brain to imagine doing as much as it happens.

I am one that is easily spotted on the street, immediately noticed like as in “one of these things is not like the other…” (get that song stuck in your head now?!)  It has never bothered me.  I certainly do not do anything to soften the situation, I couldn’t imagine now trying to change myself so that I blended in with the straight crowd it just would be a big fat horror show.  When I was younger it bothered me much more than it does now.  Now it’s just the way it is.  When I was younger (and still had my feminine chest) I wasn’t mistaken for a guy as much as I am now, but I still had a presence that screamed GAY.

I live in a very rural to suburban part of the country.  I find most of the people here to be very open-minded and welcoming of all types.  Most of my friends here are straight and it’s not a “big deal” or strange that I am obviously lesbian and very Butch. They seem to accept and support me just as I am, which I like. I sometimes think that my being Butch makes people even more curious than my being lesbian…seems they all have “friends who are gay” too….I love that line, “oh!  I have several good friends who are gay too!”  Like I needed to know that soon after I just met you.  I know people mean well in recognizing me, and when I deal with assholes that are bigotted jerks – you know the ones who like to call names, or give you the stare – I can puff my little self up and be pretty mean looking.  It’s a natural thing for me, I just come off as hardcore even though I am not really that way at all.  I’ve got that rough and tough edge about me. I believe I developed that side of myself when I was very young, it was to protect myself so that no one would mess with me.  I figured if I looked tough and acted a bit crazy that I could keep the bullys away at school, then it just sort of spilled over into all parts of my life.

Anyway, I just wanted to reblog Queering the Nerd’s blog on this type of being recognized thing that happens to most of us, especially if you are Butch or coupled in a realtionship and it’s obvious.

Does it bother you to be recognized like this?

Peace~   MB