A Lot Going On

Ok, so I have started a dozen blogs this week alone and not posted a damned one of them.  I tend to get to personal sometimes, but fuck it, it’s my blog, I can write about what ever I wish, whatever is on my mind, right?  Right.

There is soooo much going on in my life right now and it’s become a fucking circus act to juggle it all successfully. I have been successful in some things, but have dropped the ball in others.  I’m still here and trying though, gotta give me credit for perseverance.  I do have staying power like mad.

I don’t fall in love easily, but when I do it’s serious and I love hard.  Some people just can’t take that.  Some can’t take me as I am at all.  They want it to be all fun and fantasy, when life just isn’t like that for anyone that I know of except children.

I fell for someone special and she even told me she loved me too.  But because of previous mistakes that I made way back months ago now she’s telling me she can’t be with me.  I seriously think something else is going on with her.  I’m sure everyone’s guess is that she has someone else in mind now, or is seeing or talking to someone else already.  Yeah, I thought of that one too.  But I didn’t think she was like that as a person, but maybe.  She’s always been so great and what I thought was very honest with me.   But….something….is going on.  I’m just not quite sure what it is. But I am not stupid. It’s definitely more than what she is saying, or she would have brought this up months ago.  Whatever.  It’s over now, whatever the problems were, I’m moving on. I can’t take anymore of the wishy-washy shit, and the finger pointing.  If she doesn’t want me in her life then so be it.  She can have it her way, and I will have my life my way. At the end of the day I will sleep, and tomorrow will bring me new opportunities in life, love and happiness.

Someone told me the other day, you did fine financially, physically, mentally and emotionally before she came along in your life, you will do just fine without her too.  This is true, but I certainly did everything I could think of to have her in my life.

Here’s where I am at now.  I did the crying jag bit, I kicked and screamed and punched things and got really angry at my inability to communicate with this person.  I told her repeatedly that I loved her and would work it out, all to no avail.  So.  Now I am at the end point, now I am going to say fuck this and give up on this.  It takes two to tango, and she’s not interested in dancing with me anymore, so I shall sit the singles bench for a while.

I tend to live each day as it’s own.  I do plan for the future, but I don’t dwell in the past.  What happened yesterday is old news, and I won’t let it bother me today.  I am an optimist, I look at the best side of things and look for the good in people not the bad.  If people looked at me and saw only the bad I’ve done in my life – wow- that would be scary, and it woudn’t make me look real good today.  But that was all in the past, it’s not who I am today.  I live and learn from my mistakes, even the recent ones I have learned from.  And I always try not to repeat the same mistake twice.

Love is a weird thing.  We all want it and desire the feelings in our lives.  If we are healthy we want it a lot.  If we are in love we wake up thinking about her, got to sleep thinking about her and think about her all day long…To me it means that I am sharing myself with another being and want her to share herself with me.  It can’t be just a one way street.  That would never suffice or work in any degree.  So we take the time to get to know one another, talk, date, laugh, tell stories of our lives events, and see if we are compatible.  Sometimes it’s the very opposites of ourselves that we attract and are attracted to.  I know that is the case with me.  I am always attracted to the opposite of myself, it completes me some how.  I love very smart women, usually with college educations, and snappy dressers always catch my eye.  Innocence is appealing too.

I’m looking for someone who wants to be that partner in life.  Who understands the ups and downs of loving someone who is also flesh and blood and emotions.  Who gets how to have real, open honest communication — and not just by fucking text messages.  Texting is the doom of all relationships I swear.


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