As I am.

I am a very serious person; I take things very seriously.  I don’t like frivilous talk, it’s a waste of time.  If you can’t directly address the real issues, if you have them with me, then I can’t make time for you.  Maybe I am too serious, but it’s just who I AM.  If you don’t get that after interacting with me for a while, then you don’t see the true me.

I’ve been through some serious crap in my life, and I have overcome many obstacles. I have been in very long term serious relationships and been successful with them because I fought to keep them intact.  I would stay because my needs were being addressed and met too.  I have had the pleasure and honor of being involved with some very caring and considerate women; women who understood me and loved me.  If my needs were not being met I left.  Why stay if you don’t get what you need?

Relationships are so complicated sometimes, we all know this and deal with it daily.  You must pay attention to what the other person really needs and wants.  You have to be able to say out loud “What is it that you need me to do?”  And when someone says “I need/want more” you need to pay attention carefully. You can’t just assume that you know what is best for the other person, or that they will always tell you.  And you have to have understanding and empathy for the other person’s feelings and emotions.  Yes, even with a Butch!  Butches can be even more complicated because we don’t always say out loud what we want, and when we do if we are just ignored then we tend to get a bit testy.  We develop attitudes and we can be difficult to deal with unless you know how to deal with us directly and honestly.  We have no time for the petty.  And we are not as hardcore as some women think we are, we are actually very gentle souls, who want to love and protect those that we love.  We love deeply and hard.  But we want to know that we are loved just as deeply and just as hard back.  And we don’t assume anything when it comes to love, we want to hear it.

This stuff has been weighing heavily on my mind lately.  I feel very mis-understood.  I feel that I cannot say what I want because it’s just not heard.  I want to hear more endearing words, and less complaining.  I don’t want to hear about my past errors, but I want to hear about future plans.  But it all feels too complicated.  I don’t know that I will ever find a woman who is a good match for me; who can love me the way that I need to be loved and cared for.  I do feel very lucky to have had the awesome relationships that I have had in my life, and to have held the great women that I have had the opportunity to hold.  I have been blessed with much love along the way, maybe that’s all there is for me for this lifetime. Maybe not.  Maybe there is more.

I lead a fairly boring life.  I am a wicked homebody.  I like to stay at home and don’t care for going out on the town much.  I don’t do the bar scene, or the nightclubs anymore.  I don’t drink, or smoke dope anymore.  Those things are very boring to me actually.  I would rather stay home and cuddle on the couch, watch a movie and talk.  I’d rather get a good night’s sleep and get up for coffee in the morning, work in my yard and on my house and just live a simple life.  My days of being a wild child are far in the past.  About the wildest thing I do is have a bonfire on a Saturday night…that I love to do.  I love to go on long drives, and check out the scenery, that’s a favorite activity too.

Maybe I am too serious, too boring or too passionate about what I love.  Maybe I should change….no, that wouldn’t be right.  I’d be even more boring that way.  I will continue to be loud when I am excited.  I will continue to protect myself when I am challenged.  I will continue to just stay home and be boring.  And I will continue to write about my feelings about this I am sure.  And some day someone is going to come into my life and love me exactly as I am, through the good the bad and the ugly.  Just me.  As I am.

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