Changes.

Changes.

I have several that I am thinking about making in the near future, and some I am working on right now.

Housing:  I am going to be moving hopefully, and hopefully soon!  I don’t care for the management of this park that I currently live in, they don’t take care of the grounds and it’s going to hell in a hand basket very quickly.  The roads are torn up from a sewer project that they had to do 4 years ago; they have never patched or repaved the roads so we are left with gigantic dirt craters everywhere.  It’s like driving on the dark side of the moon.  The water supply here sucks.  I’ve posted about this before, a couple of years back.  I put in my own filter to improve the water here in my unit.  The raw water would come in looking like mud sometimes, that is when we HAVE water.  Often the well goes dry or the pumps malfunction and we’re left without water at all for anywhere from a partial day to a few days, depending upon the problem and how fast they want it fixed.  85 homes without water…ridiculous.  I say if the owner can’t manage the place, or hire a management company that CAN then sell to someone who wants to take care of it.  I want to live in a decent neighborhood.  Clean water and upkept grounds is all I ask.  Here each unit is responsible for the upkeep of their own yards.  We’re spaced apart nicely, it’s not one of those parks where they are right on top of each other; where you can reach out your window and touch the next unit…ours are each on like a 1/8 acre parcel, so it takes me about 25 minutes to mow my lawn area…not bad.  But many people neglect to do this and management doesn’t get on them to do it like they are supposed to do.  It’s in the park rule book dammit.  Do your job.

So anyway, I am looking at alternative places.  I found one that I like in a really nice setting in a park in Kittery. I grew up very near to where it’s located, so I know the area like the back of my hand.  It’s a bit larger square footage wise than my current dwelling, and it’s on a nice piece of land at the end of a cul de sac (sp?).  It’s a little bit older than this place, but it’s been very well kept.  Only issue is that it has carpeting (gross) in the living room and the bedrooms that would HAVE to GO if I took the place.  I like a nice laminate or hardwood floor, easier to clean and much cleaner looking.  But I can deal with that; easily enough solved with some time,elbow grease and a few boxes of flooring.  We will see.  I am going to continue to hope the place stays available until I get this place on the market and sold.

Changes.

I have to learn to be a nicer person.  I’m a cranky old Butch.  I have my moods, that’s for sure.  It doesn’t take very much to piss me right off sometimes.  And my favorite explanation is “nothing”.   When a Butch says “nothing” is wrong, it’s all wrong.  We have these feelings that we like to stuff down inside and hide from the world.  Femmes have been trying to figure us out for eons.  Most seem to get it usually; that we are just fronting the happiness, when inside we are usually a fucking mess.  I could go on about the scars that we mutually carry, plus those that we’ve adorned of our own volition. But I will spare you, and just say we have some very complex feelings and emotions.  It’s not that we are made of stone, we just want you to think that we are impervious to all feeling and emotional reaction.  It’s nothing more than a built in self-preservation thing.  As I have gotten older I tend more toward wearing some of my feelings on my sleeve (so to speak) but that just seems to confuse people who expect me to be this hardcore, emotionless stone Butch.  It gets very tiring holding the world inside.

Changes.

I have this one really bad habit…when I feel I am being mistreated, or misled, I will do the same type of behavior back to the person doing it to me.  Be cold to me and I will freeze you out.  I can dish it out as good as I can take it.  So don’t play with me, you will get hurt.  I guess maybe I need to change my attitude about that too.  Just ignore people instead of giving them the negative attention in return.  Lately my attitude with people has been extra bad…I think there is something that I am not getting that I need.  I know that’s it.  Everyone, including me, likes to be treated nicely and like they are worth something to the world.  Like we all have some value to each other.  I’m not feeling valued, yes, I do think that’s it.

Changes.

Sometimes you have to look at the big picture, and say “where do I fit in?”  or even “DO I fit at all?”  I’m trying to look at the “big picture” in several regards in my life right now.  I’ve spent most of my life trying to fit in somewhere.  I just wish it wasn’t so damned hard.  I tend to become too passionate about things, and that just doesn’t always fit the picture right.  Like the house thing, I need to fit with the house and neighborhood.  I’m a loner, I’m quiet and stay to myself; mind my own business.  Maybe if I were a little less of a loner I would make more friends and maybe even have neighbor friends.  Maybe if I let people into my life a little easier and weren’t so damned stubborn about who I allow to know me, I would have better luck with people in general.    Maybe people would like me better.  Who am I kidding?  I am never going to be the perpetually happy-go-lucky type of person, I am a brooder, a thinker and a realist. I take things for what they are, people for who they are, and hope the world doesn’t swallow me in the meantime.

Changes.

Will probably kill me.  But I have to make them.

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Author: MainelyButch

I am a pretty relaxed, proud, Butch and a native Mainer who enjoys reading, writing, blogging, vlogging and social interaction. I live in southern Maine, near the coast with my 2 small dogs and I hail from a very large, loving family that is historically rooted here. I write about my life, my experiences, living successfully with HIV, my YouTube experiences, and just about anything that piques my interest. This blog may contain profanity and sexual situations, and is not intended for younger audiences. Read at your own risk. At 54 I see life as just beginning a new chapter, and have decide this is the time that I need to write the stories that got me to this point. I believe we live our lives in chapters, changing, evolving and moving continuously with the times. I love to laugh, have discussions, debates and even the occasional nonsense conversation! I generally enjoy people, but not drama, hatred, ignorance or those who choose to feel they are somehow elite or superior to another simply due to their mere existence. I try to be very conscious of the health of the world around me - environmentally, socially, economically, and ethically. The people who are dear to me know me as having a tough exterior, filled with marshmallow and crunchy peanut butter. I continually strive to be the best I can be, especially to address life head on...always.

4 thoughts on “Changes.”

  1. I always appreciate your self-awareness and brutal honesty. Wish everyone were as introspective as you are. Sorry things are challenging for you. Just remember that there are a lot of people out there who care.

    1. Thanks. I am trying hard. I know that there are some changes that need to happen, it’s just that I am afraid of making a mistake. But then I am afraid if I don’t make one major change that I will be missing out. It’s a dilemma.

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