How to love someone properly is a wide topic.  Everyone needs and desires something different.  Everyone has had different experiences in the love department throughout their lives.  Maybe some are so scarred from those experiences that they carry those scars on into the next “relationship” that they attempt to have.

I am not one who carries a whole lot of the negative things forward in my life.  I have learned that this is useless.  It only detracts from what you are doing NOW to live in the past and keep thinking about “oh if this one did this, then that one will too” Like people who say “everyone always leaves”  that is a very negative thing to have to deal with when you are one of the “everyones” that they are referring to.

I make mistakes, I goof just like the next person will goof, and I do things that aren’t perfect in everyone’s eyes.  That’s all just part of being a human being, of being an individual person.  Not everything we do will always please other people, and if we live our lives trying to please someone else all of the time then we are missing out on living a very happy life.

When I want to date someone I want them to understand that we BOTH have pasts and we both live with some amount of scarring from past relationships.  Just because your ex did something you didn’t like doesn’t necessarily mean that I will do it.  Just because she left doesn’t mean I want to leave too.

When you push someone away with bringing up all of their mistakes repeatedly you should accept that you are pushing them away, and figure out why you are doing it.  Nothing is irreconcilable  Things can be fixed, and relationships can continue despite mistakes. Especially if there is any amount of love involved.  Love should know no bounds, it should be forgiving and reassuring.  If I have to live in constant fear, like walking on egg shells, with a person then it becomes very uncomfortable and I become very agitated. No one should be forced to keep paying for mistakes they made in the past forever, and when you end things that is forever.

I loved someone very deeply. I would have done anything for her, but she could not say the same for me.  Thus it’s ended. I am still very upset and sad about it.  I wanted us to work it out and have a real relationship, but this person seems incapable of that.  She has no empathy for how I feel, I don’t think she understands what empathy is and how to be compassionate and considerate of another person’s feelings.  It seems that she is very into just her own feelings and doesn’t realize what that does to me to have my feelings glossed over and ignored.

I became very attached to this person. My life revolved around our talking, texting and Skyping every day. I realize she’s quite different from some people.  She has to have things a very certain way, and in dealing with me ONLY in an internet way it made her feel somewhat safe.  She never talked about wanting to see me in person, never suggested that we spend time together in real life. It’s like she never even thought like that, but thought that the online thing was good enough.  But she didn’t want me seeing anyone else either

She is a nice person.  She’s very pretty and I was super attracted to her, hell I fell in love with her and we talked for close to a full year.  She will never understand how I feel because she can’t understand it.  She doesn’t want my love, but she wants my attention and doesn’t want me to have other love in my life.  That seems really weird to me.  She told me she loved me a couple of times, but I am not sure what she meant by it.  Maybe she just loved me as a “friend” and that’s it.  I didn’t want to be “just friends” and I didn’t spend a whole year working on being just that to her. I wanted – and want  more with her. I love her as far more than a friend.  Now we are ex-friends I guess.

After yesterday’s text exchanges I feel bad.  I was in no mood to be woken up to her reminding me that it was all my “fault that she feels like she does”.  I knew that already, she had been quite explicit with her full description a couple of weeks ago of why she would never be available to me, I took it hard then and it still bothers me now.  How can it not bother me?  To be listed out all of my shortcomings in one very long paragraph on text.  I realized at that moment that anything that I thought or felt was nothing to her.  She wasn’t intending to make me feel good, or to give me any kind of hope, reassurance or support.  She was intending to send me away like a dog with my tail between my legs.  Her last words were “don’t ever text me again”…and I obeyed.  Until yesterday when she started texting me.

I wish we could have a civil conversation and not talk about all the past mistakes.  I wish she could learn to forgive and forget.  I am sorry for anything that I did in the last year that hurt her and I have apologized many times for each thing.  I don’t even remember half of what she has on her list.  It was that incidental to me, and she did things / said things that hurt me as well, but I don’t hold grudges about things, so I have left any of that in the past and don’t even think about it.  She obviously thinks about all the things I did “wrong” to her and cannot let any of it go.

I hope she is happy, and that she doesn’t hold my mistakes over into her next relationship.  She deserves to be happy, but she’ll never have good friends if she can’t learn to forgive things and move on.  Holding on to grudges does nothing but take up valuable space in your brain that could and should be used to learn and grow and have better experiences.  I hope she can become more open minded and learn from this.

I know that I deserve to be happy too.  And I deserve someone who will love me through good and bad, who can handle my temperment and who understands that I am not fooling around when I say I love you…I don’t say it very often and when I do I mean it with all I have got.

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I’ve been a very blessed and lucky Butch.  I have so very many things that I have done and learned during my almost 54 years here that have formed who I am today.  I learned a long time ago that you cannot force someone to love you.  That love – real love – comes from deep within and is forgiving and durable.  Love can take a beating and still be there in the morning, it doesn’t just fade away, or go away quickly, it is something that sticks with you even when the chips are down and you are wanting to give up, true love will prevail and will wrap you in it’s arms and tell you it’s all going to be alright.  True love doesn’t run away from your faults and errors, but tries to help you with them and reassures you that you don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be yourself and do the best you can do at that.

I wish I didn’t love her like I do.

Still a Bit Depressed…

What a weekend.  I did go to the concert on Saturday night, after working on the house much of the day; getting that junk pile hauled to the recycling place with Otis & Laurie, and cleaning up outside.  I was way tired and really not in the right mood for an acapella / barbershop quartet concert – some more upbeat rock and roll would have been better I think.  But it was nice, and it was something I had never experienced before so I can check it off my bucket list – forever.  I didn’t care for it much if you can’t tell.  Just not my cup of tea, so to speak!  It was very nice of my friend, who was in the larger singing group that performed, to invite me and we had a nice chat during intermission.  I went home immediately afterwards and basically FELL into bed exhausted from my day.  The name of the concert was “Songs of the Seacoast” by the way.  I guess this weekend was some sort of “concert weekend” here in southern Maine and coastal New Hampshire, as I heard there were tons of smaller concerts going on all over the place here.

Sunday was a bust.  I slept most of the day trying to catch up.  My body was just at that tipping point – I needed rest and I needed it badly.  I also think I am a bit on the depressed side right now because of the house thing.  I keep dropping back to that first house I bid on and am wanting to perhaps go after it a bit more aggressively.  It fits all of my criteria, it’s just older than I would like, but as far as location, layout, size and amenities it’s perfect.  If now I could just come to a price agreement with the seller it would be great.  So that’s on my mind quite heavily.  Today I am really going to try to do something about it.

When I get depressed I tend to sleep a lot and not answer my phone.  I also tend to not answer text messages.  So my phone has been going off like mad and I am ignoring it as much as possible.  I missed a call (or rather ignored it) from my new employer yesterday.  I’m supposed to call them back on Tuesday now.  Which is good, I need Monday to recuperate and get over this depressed state I am in.  Just knowing that that is what is wrong with me helps me to deal with it.  Hey, a lot has gone on in my life in the last couple of weeks, stuff besides the house, anyone would be depressed if it were them, I think it’s kind of normal myself.  And I will get over it I am sure.  But some things just still bum me out and make me sad.

This week is kind of blank so far.  No plans yet.  I only plan to mow the lawn today, since the stuff is gone now and the grass is getting quite tall.  Other than that I don’t have much else to do here.

Oh! I took the dogs for a walk in the woods on Saturday afternoon along with Brando, my sister’s labrador retriever of about 85 lbs.  It was a great walk, Lulu did awesome until Brando ran her over at about mark 5 in speed!  Poor baby cried and limped for a few minutes, he really bowled her over good.  But after some consoling from me she was right back at the walk and enjoyed the hell out of it.  She did really good staying right with me and not running off.  She copies whatever Nola does, and Nola won’t let me out of her sight so neither did Lulu.

Lulu is in the midst of being house broken.  She’s doing really well with it thus far.  Again, she copies Nola so if Nola goes outside to do her business I sent Lulu out with her and it all works out great.  I still use the wee pads in the house just in case and because I am not always home to let them out when needed.  Nola has a cast iron bladder and can hold it for 8 hours plus, but the little one cannot do that so she will use the wee pad.  As she gets older I am sure I can get her broken from that as well though.  She’s still just a puppy at 9 months.

Ok, it’s 2:15 am and I should really get back to bed.  Having slept a lot today I am pretty much wide awake, but I know that I should be sleeping!  I need to readjust my sleep / wake schedule some more still.  I got up at 1 am and have been up ever since….the house thing is just driving me nuts.  Plus I am used to being up now….it just became a habit over the last year.  One I still need to break.

~Peace~   MB

The Lion’s Gaze

A very good read….and I quote: “The problem with trying to earn the respect of someone or something in this manner is sooner or later they are chucking more sticks then you can ever hope to fetch. You become confused, unsure what direction you should follow, or what branches are worth retrieving. Soon that confusion festers and becomes anger. You’re tired. You’re bitter. You dream of success and of lashing out to bite the hand that feeds. You become so caught up in playing games of fetch that you just end up chasing your tail around in circles.”

The Renegade Press

There is an ancient fable from Terma in which Padmasambhava, a literary character, appears before a Terton and teaches him how to better focus his emotions. Padmasambhava says that when a stick is thrown to a dog, the dog will chase the stick. Yet when you throw a stick to a lion, the lion chases you. A dog’s gaze will always follow the object: the stick. The lion gazes steadily at the source: the thrower.

Yep, that’s right. After a brief absence from this site I’ve returned to drop some obscure philosophy served with a side of self-indulgence on you that’s sure to leave you scratching your head wondering why the hell you’re even reading it.

But hear me out. Open your mind and be prepared to look beyond the stick and instead focus on what is really important: the thrower, and why they tossed it in the first place.

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