How to love someone properly is a wide topic.  Everyone needs and desires something different.  Everyone has had different experiences in the love department throughout their lives.  Maybe some are so scarred from those experiences that they carry those scars on into the next “relationship” that they attempt to have.

I am not one who carries a whole lot of the negative things forward in my life.  I have learned that this is useless.  It only detracts from what you are doing NOW to live in the past and keep thinking about “oh if this one did this, then that one will too” Like people who say “everyone always leaves”  that is a very negative thing to have to deal with when you are one of the “everyones” that they are referring to.

I make mistakes, I goof just like the next person will goof, and I do things that aren’t perfect in everyone’s eyes.  That’s all just part of being a human being, of being an individual person.  Not everything we do will always please other people, and if we live our lives trying to please someone else all of the time then we are missing out on living a very happy life.

When I want to date someone I want them to understand that we BOTH have pasts and we both live with some amount of scarring from past relationships.  Just because your ex did something you didn’t like doesn’t necessarily mean that I will do it.  Just because she left doesn’t mean I want to leave too.

When you push someone away with bringing up all of their mistakes repeatedly you should accept that you are pushing them away, and figure out why you are doing it.  Nothing is irreconcilable  Things can be fixed, and relationships can continue despite mistakes. Especially if there is any amount of love involved.  Love should know no bounds, it should be forgiving and reassuring.  If I have to live in constant fear, like walking on egg shells, with a person then it becomes very uncomfortable and I become very agitated. No one should be forced to keep paying for mistakes they made in the past forever, and when you end things that is forever.

I loved someone very deeply. I would have done anything for her, but she could not say the same for me.  Thus it’s ended. I am still very upset and sad about it.  I wanted us to work it out and have a real relationship, but this person seems incapable of that.  She has no empathy for how I feel, I don’t think she understands what empathy is and how to be compassionate and considerate of another person’s feelings.  It seems that she is very into just her own feelings and doesn’t realize what that does to me to have my feelings glossed over and ignored.

I became very attached to this person. My life revolved around our talking, texting and Skyping every day. I realize she’s quite different from some people.  She has to have things a very certain way, and in dealing with me ONLY in an internet way it made her feel somewhat safe.  She never talked about wanting to see me in person, never suggested that we spend time together in real life. It’s like she never even thought like that, but thought that the online thing was good enough.  But she didn’t want me seeing anyone else either

She is a nice person.  She’s very pretty and I was super attracted to her, hell I fell in love with her and we talked for close to a full year.  She will never understand how I feel because she can’t understand it.  She doesn’t want my love, but she wants my attention and doesn’t want me to have other love in my life.  That seems really weird to me.  She told me she loved me a couple of times, but I am not sure what she meant by it.  Maybe she just loved me as a “friend” and that’s it.  I didn’t want to be “just friends” and I didn’t spend a whole year working on being just that to her. I wanted – and want  more with her. I love her as far more than a friend.  Now we are ex-friends I guess.

After yesterday’s text exchanges I feel bad.  I was in no mood to be woken up to her reminding me that it was all my “fault that she feels like she does”.  I knew that already, she had been quite explicit with her full description a couple of weeks ago of why she would never be available to me, I took it hard then and it still bothers me now.  How can it not bother me?  To be listed out all of my shortcomings in one very long paragraph on text.  I realized at that moment that anything that I thought or felt was nothing to her.  She wasn’t intending to make me feel good, or to give me any kind of hope, reassurance or support.  She was intending to send me away like a dog with my tail between my legs.  Her last words were “don’t ever text me again”…and I obeyed.  Until yesterday when she started texting me.

I wish we could have a civil conversation and not talk about all the past mistakes.  I wish she could learn to forgive and forget.  I am sorry for anything that I did in the last year that hurt her and I have apologized many times for each thing.  I don’t even remember half of what she has on her list.  It was that incidental to me, and she did things / said things that hurt me as well, but I don’t hold grudges about things, so I have left any of that in the past and don’t even think about it.  She obviously thinks about all the things I did “wrong” to her and cannot let any of it go.

I hope she is happy, and that she doesn’t hold my mistakes over into her next relationship.  She deserves to be happy, but she’ll never have good friends if she can’t learn to forgive things and move on.  Holding on to grudges does nothing but take up valuable space in your brain that could and should be used to learn and grow and have better experiences.  I hope she can become more open minded and learn from this.

I know that I deserve to be happy too.  And I deserve someone who will love me through good and bad, who can handle my temperment and who understands that I am not fooling around when I say I love you…I don’t say it very often and when I do I mean it with all I have got.

Blah

I’ve been a very blessed and lucky Butch.  I have so very many things that I have done and learned during my almost 54 years here that have formed who I am today.  I learned a long time ago that you cannot force someone to love you.  That love – real love – comes from deep within and is forgiving and durable.  Love can take a beating and still be there in the morning, it doesn’t just fade away, or go away quickly, it is something that sticks with you even when the chips are down and you are wanting to give up, true love will prevail and will wrap you in it’s arms and tell you it’s all going to be alright.  True love doesn’t run away from your faults and errors, but tries to help you with them and reassures you that you don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be yourself and do the best you can do at that.

I wish I didn’t love her like I do.

Still a Bit Depressed…

What a weekend.  I did go to the concert on Saturday night, after working on the house much of the day; getting that junk pile hauled to the recycling place with Otis & Laurie, and cleaning up outside.  I was way tired and really not in the right mood for an acapella / barbershop quartet concert – some more upbeat rock and roll would have been better I think.  But it was nice, and it was something I had never experienced before so I can check it off my bucket list – forever.  I didn’t care for it much if you can’t tell.  Just not my cup of tea, so to speak!  It was very nice of my friend, who was in the larger singing group that performed, to invite me and we had a nice chat during intermission.  I went home immediately afterwards and basically FELL into bed exhausted from my day.  The name of the concert was “Songs of the Seacoast” by the way.  I guess this weekend was some sort of “concert weekend” here in southern Maine and coastal New Hampshire, as I heard there were tons of smaller concerts going on all over the place here.

Sunday was a bust.  I slept most of the day trying to catch up.  My body was just at that tipping point – I needed rest and I needed it badly.  I also think I am a bit on the depressed side right now because of the house thing.  I keep dropping back to that first house I bid on and am wanting to perhaps go after it a bit more aggressively.  It fits all of my criteria, it’s just older than I would like, but as far as location, layout, size and amenities it’s perfect.  If now I could just come to a price agreement with the seller it would be great.  So that’s on my mind quite heavily.  Today I am really going to try to do something about it.

When I get depressed I tend to sleep a lot and not answer my phone.  I also tend to not answer text messages.  So my phone has been going off like mad and I am ignoring it as much as possible.  I missed a call (or rather ignored it) from my new employer yesterday.  I’m supposed to call them back on Tuesday now.  Which is good, I need Monday to recuperate and get over this depressed state I am in.  Just knowing that that is what is wrong with me helps me to deal with it.  Hey, a lot has gone on in my life in the last couple of weeks, stuff besides the house, anyone would be depressed if it were them, I think it’s kind of normal myself.  And I will get over it I am sure.  But some things just still bum me out and make me sad.

This week is kind of blank so far.  No plans yet.  I only plan to mow the lawn today, since the stuff is gone now and the grass is getting quite tall.  Other than that I don’t have much else to do here.

Oh! I took the dogs for a walk in the woods on Saturday afternoon along with Brando, my sister’s labrador retriever of about 85 lbs.  It was a great walk, Lulu did awesome until Brando ran her over at about mark 5 in speed!  Poor baby cried and limped for a few minutes, he really bowled her over good.  But after some consoling from me she was right back at the walk and enjoyed the hell out of it.  She did really good staying right with me and not running off.  She copies whatever Nola does, and Nola won’t let me out of her sight so neither did Lulu.

Lulu is in the midst of being house broken.  She’s doing really well with it thus far.  Again, she copies Nola so if Nola goes outside to do her business I sent Lulu out with her and it all works out great.  I still use the wee pads in the house just in case and because I am not always home to let them out when needed.  Nola has a cast iron bladder and can hold it for 8 hours plus, but the little one cannot do that so she will use the wee pad.  As she gets older I am sure I can get her broken from that as well though.  She’s still just a puppy at 9 months.

Ok, it’s 2:15 am and I should really get back to bed.  Having slept a lot today I am pretty much wide awake, but I know that I should be sleeping!  I need to readjust my sleep / wake schedule some more still.  I got up at 1 am and have been up ever since….the house thing is just driving me nuts.  Plus I am used to being up now….it just became a habit over the last year.  One I still need to break.

~Peace~   MB

The Lion’s Gaze

A very good read….and I quote: “The problem with trying to earn the respect of someone or something in this manner is sooner or later they are chucking more sticks then you can ever hope to fetch. You become confused, unsure what direction you should follow, or what branches are worth retrieving. Soon that confusion festers and becomes anger. You’re tired. You’re bitter. You dream of success and of lashing out to bite the hand that feeds. You become so caught up in playing games of fetch that you just end up chasing your tail around in circles.”

The Renegade Press

There is an ancient fable from Terma in which Padmasambhava, a literary character, appears before a Terton and teaches him how to better focus his emotions. Padmasambhava says that when a stick is thrown to a dog, the dog will chase the stick. Yet when you throw a stick to a lion, the lion chases you. A dog’s gaze will always follow the object: the stick. The lion gazes steadily at the source: the thrower.

Yep, that’s right. After a brief absence from this site I’ve returned to drop some obscure philosophy served with a side of self-indulgence on you that’s sure to leave you scratching your head wondering why the hell you’re even reading it.

But hear me out. Open your mind and be prepared to look beyond the stick and instead focus on what is really important: the thrower, and why they tossed it in the first place.

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Testing Grammarly…Insomnia night

I just downloaded a new writing assistance program, it should improve the grammar mistakes and spelling errors in any of my computerized writing stuff, email, WordPress, hell even Facebook I think. I am just testing it out right now. It’s already caught me making errors in just this one small paragraph. It suggests better words, different ways of punctuating, etc.

Got a good day of work ahead of me today. Going to work on getting the pile of debris that I have collected in front of my shed hauled off to the dump. I cleaned out the inside of the shed as well, packed most of the things that needed packing, and ditched the things that needed to go. Thus, the pile is an accumulation of scrap lumber, stuff I think is trash and some scrap metal. We recycle as much as possible here, so I will – with my cousin-in-law’s assistance and his truck – haul it off to the town waste disposal and recycling center (just up the road) and sort it off into the proper bins for recycling. Otis, my cousin-in-law, and his wife, my cousin, Laurie are going to go through the lumber and take whatever they can use up at their farm. They are adding on to the deck around the hot tub and may be able to use some of what I have stashed behind the shed over the last 4 years. Most of it is pressure treated – which the recycling center does not like very much as it’s chemically treated – which means no burning it, or I would have done that by now myself.

The Pope has been here in the USA for a few days now, and wow it’s been huge on the news. The broadcasters have followed his EVERY single step. Poor guy probably has to have bodyguards to keep them away while he poops! Hahaha! I have to say, it’s been a very very big event here. I am not sure when the last Pope visited, but I never remember anyone like him ever being here and it being such a huge deal. I think the guy is pretty awesome, even though I am not Catholic. He’s really made some impact on people around the world. He was supposed to have dinner with a bunch of dignitaries like Clinton and some other political weirdos yesterday, but he blew them off to have dinner with a NY chapter of retired nuns at their soup kitchen I believe it was. That’s pretty cool if you ask me. He chose to have dinner with regular people, schmucks like me and you, instead of the kiss-ass politicians. Poor dude is probably tired of talking to all of the mucky-mucks from DC and wanted to just have a peaceful dinner with regular folks.

He seems like a really down to earth kind of guy to me. I love that he is talking a lot about climate change and urging people and governments to take note of what is happening all around us before it’s just too damned late. Jeb Bush said he “…shouldn’t be speaking about climate change because he’s not a scientist…” Go figure! Politicians like Jeb Bush talk about all kinds of things…take immigration reform, for instance, Jeb shouldn’t be talking about that..he’s not an immigrant! If you use his way of thinking, nor should he be talking about the working class Americans…he’s definitely not one of those either. Sometimes these guys say things that just make no sense to me whatsoever. Actually, most of the time! It’s a shame that most of America has learned to tune out these supposed “leaders” and “defenders” of the Constitution.

I am one American that is very very disheartened by the political scene in my country. It’s disgusting….Donald Trump running for ANY political office is bullshit enough without him actually running for President! I think his bid for President is the biggest farce I have ever seen in American politics. It’s just a joke. He would be such a horrible diplomat/dignitary to represent our country. I don’t want him negotiating nuclear treaties…can you even imagine him pissing off the already crazy Iranian leaders? The world would hate us even more than it already does. We need a leader that has some control of his facial expressions and who has a much better grip on reality and who can LEAD the country, not throw it around like a business transaction. I am not saying that I know what is best politically for us, but I know he’s NOT it for sure. I will be appalled if he makes it through the primaries and gets nominated as the Republican candidate. When I see him open his mouth to speak about anything serious I cringe, I feel ashamed for him; ashamed of him.

Anyway, that’s my mini take on the Trump thing. I didn’t watch the first episode of the Muppets new show last week, but my buddy Nancy said it sucks. Religious people are in an uproar saying it’s vulgar, sexually charged and offensive. They want all puppets to be reciting the ABC’s and not showing inter-species relationships, i.e. Kermit and Miss Piggy’s break-up, and him chasing a new piggy girl. Seems funny to me, I’ve always liked the Muppets more adult shows, like their long ago stints on Saturday Night Live. I’ve always thought they were funny.
I’m not sure why Nan thought they sucked, I must ask her. I just know she posted on FB that she hated it. Not sure what she was expecting. It’s been different since Jim Henson passed away anyway…and now with them being basically “owned” by Disney you know it’s not going to be the same as in the old days.

I did a ton of hunting for new houses on the web today. My search has expanded to a much larger area…not happily either, but necessarily. The dogs have posed a problem. But I will NOT part with either one of my dogs just to find a house! They are my babies, and my family, and I could NOT even begin to think about parting with one, let alone choose which one to part with! I had to get permission to have 2 here when I moved here, and you would think that because they are both so damned small I could get another management company to give me permission to have 2 at another place. One place I did get them to give me an exemption for 2, but can’t get the seller to come to an agreement on the house so that one’s in the bucket.

I emailed a bunch of agents today…the agent that was supposed to be our buying agent seems to have disappeared. Not hearing much from her at all…kind of just silence since we did not take the last counter offer on one we bid on. I’m wondering what is going on with her, but not sure what to do. I feel like calling or emailing her is being a pain in her ass…but she is supposed to be our buying agent and is supposed to be finding us properties to look at and potentially buy. Maybe I am confused, maybe I am supposed to be searching myself and then going to her for viewings…either way I would think that she would have been back in touch with us about the first place, and would have suggestions and options for us on other places by now.

I have found several places that would work out, I just need to know about the pet policies of the various communities. You would THINK that real estate companies who agree to sell mobiles/manufactured homes in community settings would HAVE things like the park rules and park applications for each of the parks in their represented areas on hand. I keep being told that I need to personally call each of the park management agencies and request that information myself. Very aggravating for a home buyer to do when they supposedly have a buyers’ broker who I would think would do that for the buyer. Seems like piss poor way to run a railroad if you ask me. I would be much more customer oriented if I were an agent. I would want to make it as easy as it could be for my buyer, especially if I expected to be paid at the end of the process!

At this point I think I am my OWN buyer/agent. I will do all of the legwork, set up appointments for showings, make the calls about the dogs, and do whatever is necessary to find a place to call home once again. I got this, I can do it I know. I spent a good amount of time online today and got in touch with various agencies representing different properties that met my criteria. I did what a buyer broker should have been doing for me and I am a bit aggravated by this, can you tell? I hate when people represent themselves by contract to do one thing, but don’t do it or do another thing. If she doesn’t want to be our buying agent then she should just say so and tear up the contract. I am going to call her today and see if I can talk to her about what is going on.

I’m going to need one hell of a nap this afternoon if I am going to stay awake during the concert tonight! I slept most of the day on Friday and have been up most of the night, so now my sleep pattern is totally fucked up and off schedule. I think I should try to sleep for a couple of hours here now before I start on the outside work. Regardless, I will be a bit tired tonight, but I will still have fun!

~Peace!~ MB

One Long Day.

The job interview was short and sweet. I swear they just want to see what you LOOK like to see if you are presentable enough to be on the sales floor representing the company, because the interview was literally 10 minutes long and she didn’t ask many questions other than what would my references say about me.  Then we talked about what the job entailed briefly, I explained I had many many years of retail experience and would have no problem handling this job.  She explained the company benefits and the rather low rate of starting pay…guess I can at least get in the door and see how often they recognized your work and give raises and promotions.  I asked about moving around in the store, if I start in one department is there room to move to another department if an opening comes up.  They hire from within, so that is exactly the case.  Anyway, that was about it…oh we talked quickly about the swab drug test that I have to submit for employment..should have no problem with that one.  I was literally out of there by 10:10am and on my way to pick up a friend to go check out a house with me.

It will help me to have a job for the winter months at least.  It will give me focus every week, having to be somewhere at a certain time for certain hours.  And it will help out financially obviously.  Plus it will give me some extra exercise and help keep my weight down.  I’ve done well this summer getting back down under 140 and keeping it off.  Winter tends to put the pounds on me, I tend to eat more out of comfort, snack more watching TV at night and I’m more lethargic, thus not burning off the extra calories that I am taking in.  Having a job where I am on my feet and doing a lot of moving around 4-6 hours a day will really help me stay in better physical condition.  I have  become more aware of my tendency to gain winter weight, and this year I am resolved to NOT gain it back; to keep it off and try to remain trim and fit. I am looking pretty good right now and feeling good about how I look, and I don’t want to ruin that by gaining the weight back.

My house is full of boxes and much of my stuff is packed up and ready to move.  So for the next few weeks I will be living among a sea of cardboard.  I’m trying to have it all very organized while packing, sorting things out and getting rid of stuff I no longer want or need.  It’s crazy some of the stuff I have to dispose of….like boxes of old letters from my ex, old journals that I need to burn, and just things I never should have kept, but did for some sentimental reason or other.  I am just too mushy sometimes, too sentimental.  I keep things that remind me of people that I love.  I keep the little notes and cards, or the coaster or napkin from a certain date night. Just stupid sentimental objects that remind me of loving and fun times.  Much of this stuff has hit the trash now, or is cued up to be burned in the fire pit.

I cleaned out my tools in the shed, rather I packed them, I didn’t have much there that I wanted to part with at all.  All of my tools are considered “good stuff” and I shall keep them and continue to use them as necessary.  I have quite a good tool set, good power tools — and I picked up a nice Ryobi 10″ chop saw just yesterday that someone was giving away, I snagged it just in case I need it – and I will!  Where ever I move I am sure that there will be improvements to be made, work to be done and things to change to get the place to my liking and thus I will need and use all of my tools.  Going through all that stuff helped me to take mental notes of what I have too, as far as tools as well as fasteners, and materials to do various type jobs.  Like my painting kit has everything there to properly prepare and paint rooms; all the tools and various materials like spackling and hole patch, adhesives, tapes as well as brushes, rollers, and stuff like that.  All I would need would be the proper paint for the job.  No need to buy anything else.  I’m sure painting will be on my list with whichever new place I end up with in the end.  I’m still looking at a few different ones in different towns now.

I have expanded my search further up into Maine a bit.  While I would like to ideally be in Kittery I am finding that that may be just an impossibility.  So I’ve started looking around in other southern Maine towns in York County.  I’ll know the right place when I see it.  I really wanted the place I found in Kittery, but the seller is asking too much considering the age and condition of the property.  An offer was made, but I doubt he will take it and the offer stands as it is, it’s not going any higher.  Too much has to be done to it after the transaction is done and I am in there.  It’s not in bad shape, it’s all pretty much cosmetics, but even those cost money to do, and it’s pretty ugly inside as it is right now if you ask me.  I’m sure the age is scaring buyers away from it, that and the fact you have to find specialty finance company to finance it at a higher rate due to the age.  I would think the seller would jump at an offer considering he could be sitting on this property paying lot rent, taxes, electricity, fuel and upkeep on it while it sits empty and on the market.  Within 6 months he will have lost twice as much than if he sold it right now at the offered price.  Oh well, things will work out as they are designed to work out, I just have to trust in that fact.  What is meant to be will be.  🙂

I’m pretty excited about my Saturday night plans to go out to the women’s concert, and it’s local enough that I don’t have to drive very far.  I’m going to meet a new friend there and to enjoy the concert.  She’s actually in the chorus doing a couple of the songs and invited me to go.  I’m sure I will have fun and it will be relaxing and nice to be around mostly women for the evening.

Sunday is my Dad’s 75th birthday….wow.  It just doesn’t seem possible that he’s really 75 to me.  We’re having the traditional family dinner at his house, Italian style, pasta, salad, bread and wine.  It will be nice to see my whole family gathered together once again before Christmas, which we now don’t really do the whole family gathering for, but we do have a party pre-Christmas that everyone attends.  Christmas itself is too wild a day to try to plan to get the whole fam-damily together in one place too.  My brother and sisters have kids, and hauling them around and arranging a time that fits everyone on Christmas day has just become impossible now.

BUT our annual Pumpkin Carving party is coming up on October 17th !  That’s the BEST party we have I think!  There’s always a ton of people, a boat load of food and many, many pumpkins being slaughtered in the name of artistic celebration.  It’s always a total blast every year.  And the cooked up pumpkin seeds last us a few weeks afterwards. I love salted pumpkin seeds as a snack.

Have a great day!  ~Peace!~  MB