I just want to wake up one morning and have someone tell me they love me, that they understand that I am not the perfect specimen, but that I am great most of the time and that they love me unconditionally…that means even when I am in a bad mood, when I am sad, when I am angry, and when I just don’t know what to feel. Someone who understands the human condition, emotions and feelings. And not just what is wrong with me.
Nothing is wrong with me. As a matter of fact even the things that are wrong are under control and I am doing really well. I try my hardest to be the best person I can be – for everyone in my life. I try to be kind, considerate, loving and loyal. I give it my all, and if that’s not good enough, then don’t be part of my life. I am holding no one hostage.
I like being alone for the most part. I’ve thought about what it would be like to be with someone, and I think it would be great, but I know that it would mean that I would have to learn, again, how to do it. All relationships have their up days and down days, and I need someone who can ride that ride with me and make it work out. I haven’t been committed seriously to anyone since 2007…wow, 8 years now. I miss that, I miss it bad. But I’m okay. I talk to nice women, and I get nice compliments, it’s just that usually they live very far away, so actually dating them is out of the question usually. Locally it’s more difficult to meet the right kind of person that would be compatible with me. And compatible means that they want me no matter how I am feeling that particular day; that they want to make it better, to talk it out and stick together. Sometimes you just can’t put into words what is “wrong” inside; sometimes it’s just a gut feeling of unease and insecurity.
I am going to move to the deep woods of Maine with just my dogs. They at least love me through thick and thin, good times and bad, through my good moods and my not so good ones…dogs rock.
My weekend didn’t start out very good, if you can’t naturally tell from my above words. I had to get up and do some errands this morning, one of which was to take my phone to the technician at AT&T’s store in Newington. He worked on it for about an hour and it seems to be okay now. He installed an app on it called Android App Killer which watches my apps on my phone every 30 minutes and destroys anything that will mess up the phone I guess. Anyway, for what it’s worth it is working now. Then I had to visit two pools to help get them cleared up. Then I came home and crashed on the couch in tears. It has not been a good 24 hours at all. Not only was I feeling very defensive, but I didn’t feel physically well either to start the day. I was very shakey, and shaken up by the situation of my life. I made it through my obligations, despite all. And I made it home, where it’s safe and serene. My dogs were very happy to see me.
Today (Sunday) I had a few friends and relatives come over to have bbq and to help me power wash the siding on the house. It came out spectacular and looks just great, the whole yard is nice and neat and trimmed. And I had an okay day hanging out with them, it actually made the day better and made me feel better, because without them around I would have sat an sulked all day long over something I can’t seem to change, but want to so badly.
Peace to all.
P.S. After reconsidering this blog, I took it private temporarily and edited it slightly. It seems that someone thought I was referring to them, which I refer to NO ONE except myself, read it over and over and you will see that I am talking only about ME and no one else. I see no shame here, and I took it down thinking that somehow that would solve my problem. Well it didn’t, actually it did no good at all.
I’m sorry if I am a writer who writes about her life and the people in it. I enjoy writing and I want to continue. But I am very tempted to just drop off the face of the earth right now. I am not ashamed of my writing, or of the people that I have in my life. I am very discrete and do not reveal anyone’s identity. If you see yourself in my writing and you don’t like it then just don’t read me or my reader’s comments.
Comments are disabled on this blog, because I just don’t want anymore unnecessary drama or upset – with anyone. If you have something to say to me I invite your email or phone calls.
I told someone last night that I would never write here again, but I have changed my mind tonight. It was a snap decision that I shouldn’t have said out loud to begin with, but I was in a bad mood and couldn’t think straight to begin with. It’s my choice to write this blog. It’s not fair to me that I can’t write what I want to write; it’s not fair to ask me to self-censor my thoughts. I have written about a couple of women that I have dated here, it’s nothing new for me to do. I have always kept identities very secretive and been very discrete. But that won’t be an issue anymore, because I won’t be writing about my personal relationships here, just my personal thoughts and feelings as I always have done and will continue to do.
Don’t read me if you don’t like me or what I write about.