I just want to wake up one morning and have someone tell me they love me, that they understand that I am not the perfect specimen, but that I am great most of the time and that they love me unconditionally…that means even when I am in a bad mood, when I am sad, when I am angry, and when I just don’t know what to feel. Someone who understands the human condition, emotions and feelings. And not just what is wrong with me.
Nothing is wrong with me. As a matter of fact even the things that are wrong are under control and I am doing really well. I try my hardest to be the best person I can be – for everyone in my life. I try to be kind, considerate, loving and loyal. I give it my all, and if that’s not good enough, then don’t be part of my life. I am holding no one hostage.
I like being alone for the most part. I’ve thought about what it would be like to be with someone, and I think it would be great, but I know that it would mean that I would have to learn, again, how to do it. All relationships have their up days and down days, and I need someone who can ride that ride with me and make it work out. I haven’t been committed seriously to anyone since 2007…wow, 8 years now. I miss that, I miss it bad. But I’m okay. I talk to nice women, and I get nice compliments, it’s just that usually they live very far away, so actually dating them is out of the question usually. Locally it’s more difficult to meet the right kind of person that would be compatible with me. And compatible means that they want me no matter how I am feeling that particular day; that they want to make it better, to talk it out and stick together. Sometimes you just can’t put into words what is “wrong” inside; sometimes it’s just a gut feeling of unease and insecurity.
I am going to move to the deep woods of Maine with just my dogs. They at least love me through thick and thin, good times and bad, through my good moods and my not so good ones…dogs rock.
My weekend didn’t start out very good, if you can’t naturally tell from my above words. I had to get up and do some errands this morning, one of which was to take my phone to the technician at AT&T’s store in Newington. He worked on it for about an hour and it seems to be okay now. He installed an app on it called Android App Killer which watches my apps on my phone every 30 minutes and destroys anything that will mess up the phone I guess. Anyway, for what it’s worth it is working now. Then I had to visit two pools to help get them cleared up. Then I came home and crashed on the couch in tears. It has not been a good 24 hours at all. Not only was I feeling very defensive, but I didn’t feel physically well either to start the day. I was very shakey, and shaken up by the situation of my life. I made it through my obligations, despite all. And I made it home, where it’s safe and serene. My dogs were very happy to see me.
Today (Sunday) I had a few friends and relatives come over to have bbq and to help me power wash the siding on the house. It came out spectacular and looks just great, the whole yard is nice and neat and trimmed. And I had an okay day hanging out with them, it actually made the day better and made me feel better, because without them around I would have sat an sulked all day long over something I can’t seem to change, but want to so badly.
Peace to all.
P.S. After reconsidering this blog, I took it private temporarily and edited it slightly. It seems that someone thought I was referring to them, which I refer to NO ONE except myself, read it over and over and you will see that I am talking only about ME and no one else. I see no shame here, and I took it down thinking that somehow that would solve my problem. Well it didn’t, actually it did no good at all.
I’m sorry if I am a writer who writes about her life and the people in it. I enjoy writing and I want to continue. But I am very tempted to just drop off the face of the earth right now. I am not ashamed of my writing, or of the people that I have in my life. I am very discrete and do not reveal anyone’s identity. If you see yourself in my writing and you don’t like it then just don’t read me or my reader’s comments.
Comments are disabled on this blog, because I just don’t want anymore unnecessary drama or upset – with anyone. If you have something to say to me I invite your email or phone calls.
I told someone last night that I would never write here again, but I have changed my mind tonight. It was a snap decision that I shouldn’t have said out loud to begin with, but I was in a bad mood and couldn’t think straight to begin with. It’s my choice to write this blog. It’s not fair to me that I can’t write what I want to write; it’s not fair to ask me to self-censor my thoughts. I have written about a couple of women that I have dated here, it’s nothing new for me to do. I have always kept identities very secretive and been very discrete. But that won’t be an issue anymore, because I won’t be writing about my personal relationships here, just my personal thoughts and feelings as I always have done and will continue to do.
Don’t read me if you don’t like me or what I write about.
It’s an overcast day, cloudy skies, and smells like it may rain. The air is still thick with humidity, and so is my heart right now. I feel like I can’t really express what I want and feel without it being seen as something else.
I have a serious crush. I am fucking head over heels for this woman. But she thinks that I want to date someone else, which I absolutely do not. I’ve had chances to date other women, but I have turned them down because I am so into her. Just her. Only her. I’m just not the type that can date around, or be dating more than one woman at a time…I’m just not. When I am into someone romantically, it’s them and only them that I focus on. That is the case for me right now. So when I talk about love, I know who I have in my mind, who I am thinking of and wanting so badly. 😉
I may write about love, or the human conditions, but it’s just thoughts, and when I think about love I am thinking about her and how I want things to be with us.
I am considering moving. I have even looked at another place, close by to where I currently live. I will stay in southern Maine. For now my roots are here and this is where I need to be and want to be. But I would like a change; I’ve been in this place over 4 years now and I’m ready for something else. I need a bit more space and I would like to be in a nicer neighborhood. Not that my neighborhood is “bad” but it’s becoming a bit run down because the land owner does not do any maintenance of the property, does not enforce the park rules and it’s slowly becoming more and more run down. I want to get out of here and into a place that is in a park that does enforce the rules and keeps the grounds nicely. The place I looked at has about 300 more square feet of space, has more rooms and is in nice condition, although a bit older. It’s solidly built and could be a nice space for me and the pups. Right now it’s just an idea, but it’s a fairly active one. I will keep looking around, and you could be reading blogs about my moving in the near future.
I hope everyone has a great day! Peace! ~MB~
Expressions of love are really sweet. I like to hear them, I think everyone who is in love likes to know what and how the other person really feels for them. Love is a bitter sweet thing, sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s rocky, but if it is really love it will endure and conquer all things in it’s path. My tat on my right inner forearm says “Love Conquers All” and I believe that it can if you let it into your life freely, and with an attentive heart; it conquers the bad and off sets negative things with the positive. When I am in love I tend to focus on the good and try to off-set any bad stuff with more good stuff. If you can do that, you have it made. If the other person doesn’t feel that same way about me then I would want to know that right up front. There’s nothing worse than being made a fool of by pouring my heart out into an empty glass, or into someone who doesn’t want me as I want them.
Everyone just wants to be someone’s special person.. I think that’s what love is somewhat about, having that special person in your life that you love and are devoted to with your heart. Everyone needs that special person and needs to be someone’s person too. Is that so hard to understand? Treat each other like you want to be treated, and magic will happen. Trust in love, let it happen and enjoy it, whether it’s for now, or forever always remains to be seen.
Being in love with someone, who is also in love with you means you can depend upon each other…. It means to me that I can trust and rely on that person to be there when I need her, and I will be there when she needs me. Needing someone else is a human need, needing love is a human need. We all need love, respect and someone we can count on to love us back as unconditionally as we love them. Someone to say good morning to, or good night to, someone to be there when you need them, someone to want, and who wants you back…
I have become, with age, a very tender hearted Butch. When I care about someone or something I tend to become very passionate about it and I tend to invest my whole heart and soul. I also pay dearly for this sometimes, I can get my feelings hurt. Butches are not supposed to have feelings like this they say…well let me tell ya, we do. We have very deep running feelings of loyalty, devotion and authenticity. I hate it when someone tries to tell me how I feel about something, like “oh no you can’t miss me, you hate me, or that (whatever it is I say) is not true” That shit drives me right up the wall. I have my own feelings and only I know what they are and what is true and what is not…and I do not lie. I am so dead up honest and up front that it’s not funny. Yet I get told that I can’t possibly feel like I do. That can be irritating and frustrating.
I am a romantic at heart. I love romance. I love to hear romance in spoken or written words. I love long talks and hand holding. Probably dumb stuff to some, but to me those are very real parts of love and relationships. Physical touching is vital when I am with someone that I love and care about. I want to touch them, and I want them to touch me. Just a slight touch on the arm can send shivers down my spine, especially if there is strong emotion behind that touch…I am not a touchy kind of person though, if I touch I mean it, I don’t just touch people for the hell of it. My touch is my gift to my person, and it’s not given away easily. I am shy, and if I adore you and want to touch you then that is something very special to me, and hopefully it would be to you too.
For example, on any given Sunday I love to watch football on television…in lieu of 50 yard line season tickets, ha!…..and I would love to one day have a person to watch that with, who will sit with me in my recliner, or lay with me on the couch while I hoot and cheer for my team, and while I maybe teach them about the game that I love so much. What a fantasy that is huh? The perfect woman for me would love doing this with me, and would look forward to our Sundays together during football season. Now, I am not without sympathy of course, if she wanted me to skip a game and take her out somewhere like on a long drive up through the mountains, or along the shore line I would most certainly skip the game for being with her in this way. See, I can be a very negotiable Butch as well. As long as we are spending our Sundays together, preparing for our week ahead, and talking about the week past perhaps…whatever we talk about will be important to me, I would love to hear her just talk; the sweet sound of her voice whispering in my ear “was that a touch down?” Intimacy is important, and sharing our thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams is all part of intimacy I think.
One day….I just might meet her again. I just might become someone’s very special person, someone’s lover and partner in life, at least for some part of my life’s journey, and hers. Nothing is promised forever, but I can not pass up right now. If we keep passing up the here and now, in lieu of finding that “perfect” person, then we could lose the here and now’s “perfect” person for us. I don’t want to lose sight of that. I have limited time on this earth; in this life, and so does everyone. I don’t want to restrict myself from having happiness and romance, and love while I can have it; while it’s possible, even if it might not be forever.
Hurt is just part of love. I have never known any love that did not have some hurt in it. Unless it was that of a beloved pet. But in romantic love hurt can come in many forms. I know that I have hurt, and I have felt hurt. But part of loving someone is to try to not let them hurt, and to be there when they do hurt, offering your shoulder to cry on and your ear to listen without judgement. We all make mistakes, take off-strides in our time together. If we let those mistakes completely ruin what could be good things, that is our own fault. It doesn’t have to. Forgiveness and understanding are very much part of love, and being in love.
I want that kind of intimacy that comes from being passionate about my partner, that connects us by us learning and knowing each other inside and out…I want the closeness of love and understanding. Understanding each other’s needs is important, you have to be in sync with each other and really care about what your partner is feeling, as well as what you are feeling. I want that sense of connection to my partner, whether it’s though face to face or by text or whatever, we have the tools today to make connections happen and last, why not use them. It is important for me to feel connected to her, and it is important to me that she feel connected to me. When you lose that sense of connection then insecurity sets in and people say and do funny things when they feel insecure. I always want my girl to feel secure in knowing how I feel about her and how much I love her.
People ask me what I am really looking for in love, well this is part of it anyway. Maybe it’s not the whole she-bang, but it’s a good start. I had to think about this for a while, and this is what I came up with for answers to some of the questions that roam around in my beany little Butch head. Yeah, I’m little. I never said I was 6′ tall or a big strapping Butch, I’m just a small, rather tough on the outside, but mushy in the middle kind of Butch. I think I am a good person, and one day things will come together for me in a romantic relationship again. I really want this to happen…I so want her in my life for as long as I can be there. I just want simple, undramatic, mutual love with the woman of my desire. I want her to listen to all of my words, not just some of them, to understand that I have the very best of intentions, and that I just need love and encouragement.
I tend to hide my fears behind my tough (yeah right!) Butch exterior. People aren’t allowed to see my fears, I pretend that I have none. I try to be the tough Butch that I have always thought that I was supposed to be. Why couldn’t I have been one of those middle of the road kinds of lesbians, that don’t find the Butch/Femme identities to be part of who they are…it would have been so much easier. But being Butch has just always been who I have identifed as, and how I feel, it’s something I understand and know. I remember hanging wiht a more generic lesbian sort of crowd in my 20’s and how I would shun the Butch label and word altogether…I remember us going to the bars and clubs, the club scene of the early 80’s was totally wild and fun. Discos in Germany and France…some wild nights in those places! It would have been so much easier to have gone through life as a more sort of middle of the pack type, but no I had to be Butch…it is just who I am and it’s come with it’s own full set of special challenges.
Butches are known to be more fearless, tough, emotionally protected and guarded. I am definitely all of those things, although I do try to step out of my comfort zone when I am comfortable enough with someone. I try to open up and not be so guarded, and sometimes that’s good and sometimes it is bad. I try to take it all in stride, and do the best that I can.
Anyway, this blog is just about love and caring and how I sometimes see things. We’re only on this planet for a very limited time, and I want to make the most of that time, with the people that I love. I may not always do it right, but hell I do try.
Have a great Saturday! ~Peace~ MB
So there was a murder at one of our local grocery stores yesterday, it seems that a 31 year old transguy attacked and stabbed to death a 59 yr old woman. The guy is now being held in the female section of the county jail, but in administrative segregation. It’s going to be very interesting to see how this all pans out. The trans gender issues in our judicial system is a whole new ball game for some places, like rural Maine.
No one knows why this dude attacked the woman, or what his motive was at this point. The defender is going to try to claim temporary insanity. But seeing where this took place I can imagine that something was “said” and it spurred violence to follow. Sadly.
I will follow this story, obviously it’s become a big deal on our local news station. And now with this twist from it being a “woman” yesterday that attacked another woman to it being a man today…it’s got the whole town talking. The reporter tonight even did a background on the guy and revealed his former name and local ties. I thought that was uncalled for, but I suppose it’s news fodder for the desperate news jockeys in southern Maine. They are using his current name on the news reports, and explaining in their reports that he now identifies as male. It’s too bad that a split second rage has now cost him his freedom and a good part of his life, plus the life of the poor woman as well as all of the effect it will have on her friends and family. I hate random violence, or violence in general. And when it involves someone from my community it stings just that much more, whether they be victim, as most often is the case, or perpetrator, as in this particular case.
In Other News:
Other news that has caught my eye is the story about the first two women to become US Army Rangers. Ranger training is known in the Army as the epitome of hard core. I wish that when I was in that it would have been an option, I would have loved to have had an opportunity to have attempted it. Perhaps I would have been in the 60% that fail the course, but I would have given it one hell of a try. I’m proud that there are now women interested in Ranger training, and actually making it and becoming US Army Rangers…hooooorahhhh.
Butches do get trotted out for being non-conformist rebels…as Jamie reminded me. We are ridiculed for having top surgery, are expected to just live with the dysphoria and discomfort without complaint instead of seeking the things that will make us happier. The anniversary of my top surgery was just 1 year ago this week now and I am reminded that it’s not “proper” for Butches to seek top surgery.We’re supposed to just bind and live with the boobs; hey we’re not “trans” right? And only transguys should have top surgery, or so I am told. Bullshit. It’s the best Butch thing I have ever done for myself, and I am so much more comfortable in my own skin now.
I received a note from a young Butch this week seeking advice. I mentor young people quite often and find it really cool and rewarding. This young Butch was fretting over an upcoming wedding in her family, where she was being required to wear a dress (gag!) and participate in the wedding procession. I sympathized with her, I’d been in that very same position a time or two in my earlier lifetime. Prior to me fully identifying as Butch I was required to wear a dress to a wedding, I felt like a cross-dresser. I felt completely out of my element and very vulnerable and uncomfortable. Never again I vowed, and never again has it happened. The last wedding I was part of I wore a great looking tux and felt much better about it all.
I was also reminded that growing up I was expected to wear dresses to school four days a week, and “slacks” the fifth. As you might imagine this caused a huge rift between me and my parents, and my young Butch brain was all fucked up over it. I did it for the early years, when I was too little and too confused to know any better, I let my parents choose for me. But when I became a young teen I did rebel, and my rebellion was to run away from home – worrying my parents sick in the process, and really pissing off my Dad. I remember hiding out in the woods, eating peanut butter sandwiches that friends would bring me, and being gone for 3 days. I was eventually “caught” and returned home, where my mother brokered a deal with my Dad that I could wear pants to school, as long as they were not denium – so no jeans, but corduroys (which were in style then anyways) and the such. That was my first success in becoming my own person, and it’s one of those defining moments of my life. Funny, those little moments that add up to make us who we are today. That was one of the first times that I had had the guts to stand up to my father…something that I am still not always able to do today even. He’s a tough guy, a Marine, and a strict father. Pleasing him became a real focal point in my adult life, one I often still deal with today. He is the man that I emulated, and feared. Even today I have a very healthy respect of his opinion, but am not always afraid to buck the trend anymore.
Point is that sometimes as Butches we are put in these positions where we are expected to buck up and be uncomfortable for the sake of saving face for someone else. Whether it’s in wearing a dress, or toning it down when we are with family, business associates, or meeting someone for the first time. “Don’t be so Butch” we hear….and what the fuck does that mean and how do I do that? I ask myself…my hair is crewcut, and I very obviously masculine as hell…how does one “tone it down”? per say. If I tried to act girly in any way I would look stupid and it would be seen as fraud by any knowing person.
I like that now that I am grown and settled into my identity that I feel very comfortable these days. I don’t put on an act or even feel like I have to. The world today is so much different than it was 40 years ago, and wow am I super happy about that. I’d hate to feel that I had to be any other way than my true authentic self ever again. Plus I’d look a damned fool now in a dress! (can you even imagine?) ~Peace!~ MB
PS…if I have pictures of that wedding where I wore the dress I will find them and post them for you to see…I know of only one in existence, let me locate it.