Going against the grain of what people want you to be. Don’t we all do that to some extent? Of course people come into our lives and leave, it’s just part of being human and interacting with other humans. Over my life I have had the privilege of meeting and knowing some pretty incredible people, and I have lost touch with lots of them too. Our lives merge for a while, then a split in the road comes, one goes a different way, and you lose touch over time. Or maybe you have a disagreement about something and things come to a more abrupt end. Either way, no one ever really stays in your life to the end. If you meet some incredible person who DOES stick it out with you to the end then you have really had something special in life.
I think back to high school. I am still in touch with some of my best friends from that period of time. We chat on Facebook and I see what they post about their lives today, and they see what I post, but we aren’t really involved in one another’s lives anymore like we used to be.
I have an Army buddy in Arizona that I have known since I was 18 and in basic training at Ft. Dix NJ. She and I touch base at least a couple of times a year, and we had a sort of reunion back in 2004 where we got together and reminisced about all the crazy stuff we did in the Army together, and about how we were so close but we didn’t really “know” each other. I had hidden my sexuality from her for fear of losing her friendship. I find out during our reconnection that that may or may not have happened. She told me that another friend of ours came on to her during our time at Dix and she ended the friendship because it made her (at 20) feel uncomfortable. So my fear may have been well founded. Today we are fine friends, I still consider her one of my closest friends, and she is well aware that I am lesbian.
In recent years I changed the roads that I was traveling and left some people behind. People that I cared very much for and about but who I decided I needed to move away from in my life.
In the last year I met someone who I became very fond romantically of, and who I gave a lot of my time to. But we can’t be together, so I decided we need to stop and severe our connection. It wasn’t an easy decision, and I didn’t handle it well. Because I didn’t know how to handle it. Her temper is a bit quick and harsh. And then I get angry and I get quick and harsh with what I say too. No, the best thing for us is to stop talking and everything and move on to our own lives, whatever they may be for each of us. I tried to be just friends but there are too many emotions and feelings involved to do so properly. Long distance relationships just plain suck. I’ve tried it now a couple of times, and the end result is always the same, they don’t last.
I want to start dating here soon, locally, and start to connect more with women who are seeking the same things that I am seeking – love, a relationship and a partnership. I want someone who wants to wake up next to me every morning and wants to work toward making that happen, as partners. I don’t want to be “just friends” And I want to be talking to women until I find the one that I have been looking for, because she’s out there and it’s just a matter of time. I’m sure along the way I will make friends as well, because I have very particular tastes and likes. I need to get back to dating the femme women that appeal to me the most as I look for that partner that I want. I’ve met a couple that I am pretty interested in, but if I am locked up in another situation that I know is really going nowhere I am not giving these other women a chance to show me who they are, and get to know them and for them to get to know me. I’m really in no hurry. I was going to go out with someone tomorrow night, but a a believe it’s just too soon for me. I need some time and space to process what just happened in my life with this other woman. That’s reasonable I believe. It’s just me, I just can’t just hop out of the pan and into a new fire quite so quickly. I need to take some time and process this, figure out what I don’t want to happen again and how to prevent it.
I have been spending a lot of time to myself, just chilling and thinking. Wondering where things will lead me next. I have this slight itch to move….I’m not sure what that’s all about, but I could easily see myself moving in the near future. Not too far really, somewhere in southern Maine again I believe. My big move will come in a few years when I try moving to warmer climates. Right now I’m just sick of my neighborhood and it’s deteriorating conditions…I’d like a little better neighborhood and maybe a condo instead of the mobilie home. Eh, that’ all just thoughts…I am pretty entrenched here and not really in any position where I have to move for any reason. It’s clean,comfortable and serves the purpose of keeping a good roof over my head. But if sometime good comes up I will definitley be taking a look.