I am talking to my friend from Spain again. Yes, the same one that I am very much attracted to and want to be dating. We’ve had a few rough spots over the last almost 10 months of us talking, especially after we sort of fell for each other and things got more intense. I know I have written a couple of blogs about some of these rough spots, and one in particular that was a little defaming of her more recently. If I could retract that particular blog I would do so, because I was angry when I wrote it and I should have not been in that state of mind to write something that would be so public in my blog. We had had a major sort of falling out and I should have dealt with it quite differently. I should have taken my thoughts and feelings directly to her and not to my blog. Alas, here I am now. I appreciated the comments left on the blog and the advice you all gave me to move on and such. But at this point my heart doesn’t let me do that, I’m very much invested in my relationship with her, whatever it may be or look like. Right now we are telling each other it’s just as friends that we are talking again.
Because I write a blog people only know one side of the equation. She doesn’t write or comment on my blogs. She is welcome to do so, and she did email me about it privately. She never meant to insult me intentionally, yet in my writing I think I made it sound like she did. I apologize to her for that. Again, I just shouldn’t have posted that entry at all, it was between her and I and I should have kept it that way out of respect but my anger got the best of me and my temper tantrum blog hurt her, for which I am truly sorry.
I protect the people I write about in my blog by giving them nicknames and not disclosing their identities. I think I do a darned good job of it. I’m going to call my girl “K” from now on to make it more simple. So it’s not like anyone knows her name or specifics as I have protected her privacy along the way. But she has one friend who reads my blog and gives her quite a dose of negative feedback on me. Someone who does not know me. Someone who does not know the dynamics between her and I; who doesn’t see us or hear us interact daily on Skype or by texts and emails. This friend of her’s doesn’t get to see how well we get along and how much fun we have talking. She doesn’t know the specifics of our conversations or the extent of our private relationship. No one does except the two of us. We’ve been pretty private about it and kept things between us. This friend of K’s doesn’t get the whole story. Just snippets. So she’s formed a pretty negative opinion of me, as I have also caused to be formed about K with some of my angry writing. This is what happens when you only get parts of the story; one side or just the little snippets of another’s take on it. I’m sorry she has a negative opinion of me, but I don’t really care to be honest. She makes no difference to me. The only person I truly care about here is K.
Writing a publicly read blog has it’s ups and downs. I see people struggle with it all the time. I see some that give up for various reasons, like negative comments or differences of opinion. When you put yourself out there you take that chance, and many others. Sometimes I wish I were more anonymous.
Anyone who has consistently read my blog knows that I am usually brutally honest with my views and opinions about things. I admit that I do fly off the handle sometimes when I am passionate about something. And I should not write when I am of ill temper and am addressing an issue regarding a friend or individual person. I got to have a little more self-discipline and I know it. I do keep a bunch of private blog entries, and I should just keep some things to myself in those. Writing is sort of like therapy for me, when something is on my mind it helps me to write about it, but I should write and then wait until I cool off if I am writing when I am angry….kind of like writing it down in the heat of battle but waiting for the cease fire to send off the note, just to make sure it’s really what I want to say out loud.
In figuring out what happened that day we had that big fight and about which I quoted her in the blog, we had a serious break down of communication and understanding. Now I understand that she was trying to say that I think in a more masculine way and she in a more feminine way. She was trying to tell me something and I was hearing it a different way than she was intending it to mean. I get it now. And she was right, I was thinking like a guy for sure…part of what I call the Butch emotional deficit disorder…I do tend to do this I know. It’s hard to explain without going into the whole argument and specifics, which I don’t want to do here, but it was basically a serious misunderstanding between us.
Anyway, we are talking now and things have been going pretty good. I really super enjoy this woman and talking, laughing and getting along very well. We’ve had a lot of intense conversation and are trying to mend some fences. We’ve sort of agreed just to be friends, which is SUPER hard for my heart to accept if that’s seriously what it comes to – us just being friends. But, we live 3,500 miles apart…and neither of us is relocating our lives to another country, culture and way of being. With that said, the best we can do is be good friends and hope for the best for the other. It will be really hard to see her date someone else, or even start talking to someone else, and I don’t know if we will just fade out communication at that time (if either of us starts dating someone else), or what. Hard to say what I will feel, but I know it won’t feel good. It makes me crazy just to think about it.
Had I realized at the beginning of us talking, before I became emotionally invested, that all of this would be so hard I may not have taken things as far as we have here. It never crossed my mind at first, then I began to think about the distance involved in this situation. Any LDR is difficult, but make it intercontinental and it can just be heartbreaking, I know, and hind-sight is 20/20, right? I can’t help that I fell for her now. I can only go forward and try to adjust my thinking and attitude to fit what is happening at the moment and keep my wits about me as best I can do.