Love, Relationships

Back up a bit….

I am talking to my friend from Spain again.  Yes, the same one that I am very much attracted to and want to be dating. We’ve had a few rough spots over the last almost 10 months of us talking, especially after we sort of fell for each other and things got more intense.  I know I have written a couple of blogs about some of these rough spots, and one in particular that was a little defaming of her more recently.  If I could retract that particular blog I would do so, because I was angry when I wrote it and I should have not been in that state of mind to write something that would be so public in my blog.  We had had a major sort of falling out and I should have dealt with it quite differently.  I should have taken my thoughts and feelings directly to her and not to my blog.  Alas, here I am now.  I appreciated the comments left on the blog and the advice you all gave me to move on and such. But at this point my heart doesn’t let me do that, I’m very much invested in my relationship with her, whatever it may be or look like.  Right now we are telling each other it’s just as friends that we are talking again.

Because I write a blog people only know one side of the equation.  She doesn’t write or comment on my blogs.  She is welcome to do so, and she did email me about it privately.  She never meant to insult me intentionally, yet in my writing I think I made it sound like she did.  I apologize to her for that. Again, I just shouldn’t have posted that entry at all, it was between her and I and I should have kept it that way out of respect but my anger got the best of me and my temper tantrum blog hurt her, for which I am truly sorry.

I protect the people I write about in my blog by giving them nicknames and not disclosing their identities.  I think I do a darned good job of it.  I’m going to call my girl “K” from now on to make it more simple.  So it’s not like anyone knows her name or specifics as I have protected her privacy along the way.  But she has one friend who reads my blog and gives her quite a dose of negative feedback on me.  Someone who does not know me.  Someone who does not know the dynamics between her and I; who doesn’t see us or hear us interact daily on Skype or by texts and emails.  This friend of her’s doesn’t get to see how well we get along and how much fun we have talking.  She doesn’t know the specifics of our conversations or the extent of our private relationship.  No one does except the two of us.  We’ve been pretty private about it and kept things between us.  This friend of K’s doesn’t get the whole story. Just snippets.  So she’s formed a pretty negative opinion of me, as I have also caused to be formed about K with some of my angry writing.  This is what happens when you only get parts of the story; one side or just the little snippets of another’s take on it.  I’m sorry she has a negative opinion of me, but I don’t really care to be honest.  She makes no difference to me.  The only person I truly care about here is K.

Writing a publicly read blog has it’s ups and downs.  I see people struggle with it all the time.  I see some that give up for various reasons, like negative comments or differences of opinion. When you put yourself out there you take that chance, and many others.  Sometimes I wish I were more anonymous.

Anyone who has consistently read my blog knows that I am usually brutally honest with my views and opinions about things.  I admit that I do fly off the handle sometimes when I am passionate about something.  And I should not write when I am of ill temper and am addressing an issue regarding a friend or individual person.  I got to have a little more self-discipline and I know it.  I do keep a bunch of private blog entries, and I should just keep some things to myself in those.  Writing is sort of like therapy for me, when something is on my mind it helps me to write about it, but I should write and then wait until I cool off if I am writing when I am angry….kind of like writing it down in the heat of battle but waiting for the cease fire to send off the note, just to make sure it’s really what I want to say out loud.

In figuring out what happened that day we had that big fight and about which I quoted her in the blog, we had a serious break down of communication and understanding.  Now I understand that she was trying to say that I think in a more masculine way and she in a more feminine way.  She was trying to tell me something and I was hearing it a different way than she was intending it to mean.  I get it now.  And she was right, I was thinking like a guy for sure…part of what I call the Butch emotional deficit disorder…I do tend to do this I know.  It’s hard to explain without going into the whole argument and specifics, which I don’t want to do here, but it was basically a serious misunderstanding between us.

Anyway, we are talking now and things have been going pretty good.  I really super enjoy this woman and talking, laughing and getting along very well.  We’ve had a lot of intense conversation and are trying to mend some fences.  We’ve sort of agreed just to be friends, which is SUPER hard for my heart to accept if that’s seriously what it comes to – us just being friends. But, we live 3,500 miles apart…and neither of us is relocating our lives to another country, culture and way of being. With that said, the best we can do is be good friends and hope for the best for the other.  It will be really hard to see her date someone else, or even start talking to someone else, and I don’t know if we will just fade out communication at that time (if either of us starts dating someone else), or what. Hard to say what I will feel, but I know it won’t feel good.  It makes me crazy just to think about it.

Had I realized at the beginning of us talking, before I became emotionally invested, that all of this would be so hard I may not have taken things as far as we have here.  It never crossed my mind at first, then I began to think about the distance involved in this situation.  Any LDR is difficult, but make it intercontinental and it can just be heartbreaking, I know, and hind-sight is 20/20, right?  I can’t help that I fell for her now.  I can only go forward and try to adjust my thinking and attitude to fit what is happening at the moment and keep my wits about me as best I can do.

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6 thoughts on “Back up a bit….”

  1. LDR are difficult yes, but they also provide opportunities to fall in love and share of yourself in a different way – kind of like a long slow protracted date that feels
    Both fulfilling and at times deeply frustrating, for many reasons. You’re reflecting on so much and thank you for triggering questions or things for me …

    1. Thanks for these lines.. I agree with you completely.. I´m in a LDR too and we both love and miss each other like hell .. but on the other side I`m glad that we are not going to slide into routine ..(routine won´t kill our love and long distance will prolong our crush maybe endlessly .. 😉 )… it´s kind of gorgeus too !!!! 😀 )) we see each other maybe twice a year for 4 days and we enjoy it. We escape daily routine and create our own paradise and for the rest of the year we can wallow in memories and win strength to endure everyday life .. it takes plenty of monotony from our day-to-day lifes away !!!!!
      Have a nice day !

      1. It’s nice you can and do see each other a couple of times a year. I just don’t think that kind of set up or arrangement is for me. I need something more frequent than twice a year. I’m not in this situation anymore, we ended it last weekend for the better for both of us. We tried to be just friends, but that backfired on us too. I am going to be doing more dating of local women, and women inside the borders of my own country! 🙂 Thanks for the comment. Rock on!!!

  2. Sorry MainelyButch about the outcome of your relationship with “K”. After seeing some of your videos on YouTube and reading your blog I just felt the need to say sorry. Hope that you find that special someone.

  3. Sometimes it is quite frustraiting …I don´t want to shade the truth … but my life as a divorced mum isn´t always easy .. have to work alot to keep everything going on …I´ve got a good job here and I can not afford to lose it if I do move where she lives .. 600 Km away .. 😮 I´m not that young (49) 😉 anymore and I won´t get the chance, to get a similar job, over there … unfortunately …:( my kids have first priority in my life . That´s the way it always should be, isn´t it ? 😉 my sweetheart , praise the Lord, hasn´t kids ..that makes life a little bit easier for us 😉 She´s my very soulmate ! 😀
    I wish you to find soon a new longlasting sweetheart and soulmate to cuddle too ! 😀 Don´t give up and keep going ! 😀
    Peace !

  4. ‘there is beauty in the breaking’ ~L.Haun~(Broken)

    I know this whole situation has brought you to an understanding, life isn’t meant to be lived, or experiences meant to happen, behind the shadows of a computer. Judgements should be withheld out of respect for people in general, in their circumstances. There’s lessons we learn on our own and we are the only ones who can define what love is to us. It’s maddening to go from love to friendship, but it is possible, with the right frame of mind and no expectations. A friend stands by you. Since I know you personally, I understand this struggle. I know you have a deep respect for “K” as well as any other woman you remain friends with, and I know you’re saddened and hurt, but words are only words, easily forgiven, by both. Once those feelings are culled, there may be a time where everything is understood and the circumstances will change. I support you in all that you do, and hope that you glean from this experience, the beauty in the breaking…there is life after love…and I know you will find your way ❤

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