A Little Rant on Butch-phobia

I got a note from a young Butch who is struggling with being Butch.  Sad when one struggles so hard with just being who they authentically ARE. Pisses me off that we have nurtured a lesbian community who thinks that Butch equals male.  Butch doesn’t “equal” male at all, Butch is far more than plain old male, it’s the culmination of masculine female energy and living.

There is so much going on in the LGBT community currently, that things get a bit jumbled in my head.  I have several half written pieces in my cache about various things concerning various LGBT issues.  I mention this because one piece is on “allies” and what constitutes an ally versus what constitutes prejudice and phobia.  I look at it from underneath the proverbial “umbrella” myself.  So my perspective on anything LGBT will be skewed in this fashion; bias to some degree.

Maybe I am even getting a little off topic here now, it’s because when I think of phobia both Transphobia and Butchphobia come to my mind. Because those are the two inside the community that affect me personally the most, thus the two that very first come to my thoughts.  Know what I mean?  Sure you do.  Since I identify as Butch then Butchphobia comes to my mind when we start talking about the various phobias that we deal with as LGBT people…homophobia being our #1.  And then even that doesn’t bother me as much as phobia coming from inside the LGBT community itself – some of that being internalized Butchphobia.

I find that quite a few lesbians are seriously Butchphobic.  They shun the more masculine of us in the crowd.  I’ve had it happen personally, watched it happen to friends and felt the pain that is a result of being dissed by my own supposed “community” members.  I’ve heard it said more than once to me “oh, I don’t identify any way, I am just a regular, normal lesbian.”  to which I always want to say,”Hell yeah that big fat rainbow sticker on your car says ‘LOOK I am normal and regular’ alright!”

And I want to have a big ole argument about this “Normal, Regular Lesbian” title.

I want to know what is not ‘normal’ or ‘regular’ about ME?  Why can’t I be part of the normal/regular crowd?  Are they afraid of me?  (Maybe they fear that my masculinity will be contagious! hahaha  Let me assure you that Butch doesn’t wash off or rub off on anyone else.  It’s pretty permanent.  Same with femmes, it doesn’t wash off like their cherry flavored lip stick!

Is it that I am Butch?  Are you saying that that’s not the norm?  That I can’t just be a regular Butch lesbian?  Cuz that’s what I am; just your regular stock Butch lesbian.  (Except when I am that “special” kind of Butch…you know, like the one you like so damned much, but are afraid of what your friends or family will think, if you ask her out.  Maybe they’ll ask you the old “Why not just date a man?” fall-back question and then you would be some uncomfortable huh?  The femmes that I date have dealt with this question I am sure (because they’ve told me about it).  Dating a Butch lesbian is a bit like dating someone with a lesbian tattoo in the middle of their forehead, it’s usually blatantly visible that they are lesbian. (Now before you railroad me I know that there are straight Butch girls…and other sexualities of Butch out there, but for all intents and purposes of this blog we are talking about lesbians)   So it’s important to me that I date strong minded femmes, because they can handle these rude questions much more effectively, and with some finesse.  I love that about femmes, they will stick up for what they believe in and are loyal to. Bless their steel-plated hearts.

I don’t try to be anyone other than who I am.  I don’t tell you how to identify and you don’t tell me.  I try to be authentic; honest about who I am and how I see things. And I dare to be different.

(….to be continued…)  I’d love to hear your thoughts below!

Peace!   ~MB~

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Author: MainelyButch

I am a pretty relaxed, proud, Butch and a native Mainer who enjoys reading, writing, blogging, vlogging and social interaction. I live in southern Maine, near the coast with my 2 small dogs and I hail from a very large, loving family that is historically rooted here. I write about my life, my experiences, living successfully with HIV, my YouTube experiences, and just about anything that piques my interest. This blog may contain profanity and sexual situations, and is not intended for younger audiences. Read at your own risk. At 54 I see life as just beginning a new chapter, and have decide this is the time that I need to write the stories that got me to this point. I believe we live our lives in chapters, changing, evolving and moving continuously with the times. I love to laugh, have discussions, debates and even the occasional nonsense conversation! I generally enjoy people, but not drama, hatred, ignorance or those who choose to feel they are somehow elite or superior to another simply due to their mere existence. I try to be very conscious of the health of the world around me - environmentally, socially, economically, and ethically. The people who are dear to me know me as having a tough exterior, filled with marshmallow and crunchy peanut butter. I continually strive to be the best I can be, especially to address life head on...always.

10 thoughts on “A Little Rant on Butch-phobia”

  1. and that my friend is why I walked away from the LGBT community …. I felt like an outcast among a group of people that I should have felt safe in, … then when I stepped beyond Butch into the trans community the shit storm only got worse…. I still ID as Butch, physically I am female ( and damn proud of it) , appearance… well that’s where it gets complicated …. I will tell you it is a very odd feeling to be socially accepted, never questioned, never feared or put down or avoided…. by the heterosexual community , the very community that once condemned me ,and all my LGBT sisters and brothers…. I have always faced discrimination and prejudice and phobia in the LGBT community once I figured out I was Butch , all was fine when I had curves , boobs and long hair … yep then I fit right in with all the rest of the granola grazing Lesbians, the minute I got a crew cut and wore my first binder… the shit storm really hit and for the first time I felt hatred from the very people who once gave me comfort 😦 … Butch phobia is very real and very hurtful , I may be Uber masculine… but I still have feelings too.

    1. Thanks for the input BC, I appreciate it and I follow you 100% here. Yes, as much as I try to explain to people how “real” this is, they still claim it’s not. I am sure we will be writing on this topic for a while to come. It’s important to let our young Butches know that they are okay and that they are loved just the way they are. So many feel so shunned and exiled from community. They don’t have good role models and safe places to go where they can find a Butch shoulder to lean on a while. I too tried to “fit in” to that garden variety lesbian social club as well once upon a time…didn’t work for me. As they say, you can put lipstick on a pig…but it’s still a pig. I’m Butch and proud. Again, thanks! And Rock On!!!

    1. Yes, I guess I was searching for that wording and just couldn’t remember or find it in my head this day. Who wants to conform? When we have such delicious options in life? Not me!! 🙂

  2. Hello from good old Germany (Berlin) ! I´m a big fan of your blog. I like your perspectives and the way you deal beeing a butch woman. I like your honesty and how you fight to be( and stay) true to yourself against all odds …..I´m so sorry that so many people make your life so hard to endure .. you´re very brave! Life isn´t just like how to survive. …life should be a place to feel good, secure and welcome !
    Best regards
    Maria

    1. Hello Maria! And welcome to my blog! Thanks for being a loyal reader and thanks for the comments. I love Germany, was stationed in Stuttgart during 1981-83 and just loved it (and the Hofbrau!) Rock on!!!

  3. Hey Mainely (& Butchcountry67’s response to Mainely),

    Thanks so much for sharing your Butch Phobia woes – I know well that there are seriously phobic lesbians out there (not to mention non-lesbians of all sorts) who do not ‘get’ Butch, (or worse) who are afraid (as Jamie Ray said) of gender non-conforming people, (or worst of all) who are actively venomous in word or deed toward gender non-conforming folks. . . there always have been and it is likely that there will be for a long time to come.

    But let me just say this: There ARE people who DO get you, (or better) who really adore you and choose you Butches and Transguys over ‘regular’ (let’s just call these folks “GV’s” = Garden Variety) lesbians, (or best of all) who are more than willing and able to STAND UP AND FIGHT for our Butches and masculine-of-center loved ones! We are out here, and we chose you and to the best of our ability we understand your sweet and sensitive hearts inside your tough and tumble exteriors AND WE WOULDN’T HAVE YOU ANY OTHER WAY!

    We know it sometimes SUCKS to be you in a world that has decided that girls and women look and behave in ways that you do not; but to us you are magical – you are our Princes, our Knights in Shining Armor, our Handsome Grrlfriends, our cherished partners and sexiest, best ever kind of grrls there ever could be!

    Don’t loose heart – you will find us, we will find you; you can’t change people who don’t want to change; let the GV’s be ‘normal’ – we want SPECIAL, different, authentically Butch women to stand up and SHINE like the stars you are. I say IGNORE the haters. Breathe Light into your golden heart of hearts and Trust our community – even if it seems to be a small one. . . we are out there, out here, and I say let’s support each other.

    If nothing else, may this little blurb be a part of taking the curse off all the negative stuff you hear and get from our world; may these words in some way mitigate the shadows and be a speck of love in what I imagine must sometimes feel like a very hateful world.

    Making it Loveful. I put the challenge out to my sister Femmes and Stemmes and ANYONE WHO LOVES OUR BUTCH AND MASCULINE lesbian sisters and brothers: LETS MAKE THE WORLD LOVE-FULL FOR THEM – add your words of appreciation to this thread!!

    BUTCHLOVE
    BUTCHLOVE
    BUTCHLOVE
    BUTCHLOVE

    1. Wow! Thank you for this response! I appreciate the support and the love! YOU should write a blog about this topic! I loved hearing this much of your perspective on it, would love to hear more. If you do please be sure to link it back to me so I don’t miss it! Rock on !!!

  4. I love your blog and always read with appreciation even if I don’t comment- can’t write my ‘blog’ at the moment- lots of thoughts but no inclination to write the bits that have to be written before the bits I want to write- if you get my drift. Has taken me 40 years so far to even begin to figure out my ‘label’- the nearest I can get so far (although I came out 20 years back as ‘Bi’, and still generally go with this for simplicity..) is Pan-romantic Grey-Ace- but that sounds awfully wankified really! I’ve thought I was trans for some years- before ‘trans’ was really a thing, but all along I’ve been a kind of tomboy/ soft butch- even during a brief spell of looking pretty femme. I’ve been attracted to a few femmes, a few men, lots of more androgynous people- mainly women- but have always had a real soft spot for the good old Butch lesbian- although I’m too butch myself really for the attraction to often be mutual. Just sayin’ – we love you the way you are. Please don’t ever change…. I think there are times when butches can seem unapproachable maybe- and I’m pretty shy so I don’t have that butch bravado that many true butches seem to- but as a person who is attracted to people of all types and genders etc.. I rate butches pretty much right at the top for real charisma and basically, all the really decent masculine traits, but without the more negative ones. Rock on!! xx

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