Having a bit of a moment here tonight…..It feels like it’s been months since I felt that love in my heart, but literally it’s only been just over a mere 17 days now….such a short time to drag on so fucking slowly. Thankfully I have a bunch of new things going on work wise that are keeping me really busy and without too awful much downtime to think about things like this…but still it is all that I think about HER.
I fell in love with a young woman. Plain and simple. Right to the very point. I can’t just fall out of love in 17 days either…it’s going to take me quite a bit longer than this to get over her, yeah I still love her so much. I know, life does go on, and I’m sure it’s gone on for her too…She has another love interest that was just dying to get with her there, and I am sure they were talking everyday even when we were doing the same. Which she knew I didn’t like but continued with anyway, so I guess she had to have her fall-back girl. Personally, now being a bit more aware, don’t see the attraction but she has to have someone to pay attention to her or she’ll be one very unhappy camper.
I honestly wanted to be and tried to be that person for her, I gave her all of my attention. Then there was this one afternoon when I was tired and wanted to catch a nap and didn’t want to Skype with her at that very moment. Big mistake. She’s one of those types who wants to be the one to say jump and wants you to be the one saying how high? I put up with that for 9 months, and I even thought it was kinda cute at first.
She kept everything close to the vest, She wanted to know me but didn’t want me to know too much about her. It was like pulling wisdom teeth to get the smallest bits of information from her sometimes. That was very infuriating at times, although I tried to hold my temper and be patient. There were many reasons for my patience, and having a person relax with you is a good reason for having good patience. She was worth everything I went thought about her, here alone or when we were talking in one form or another.
Now I miss her. I miss her smile, her laughter, I even miss her being mad at me all the time (or what felt like much of the time, as I was not living up to her needs as a Butch lover). I miss our long talks, hours on Skype, LD pajama parties and just sharing our days events together.
I understand that it will take months to process this whole thing, to read and reread the things that were said and think about all those Skype calls and verbal calls that happened between us. It’s a whole process of figureing out what exactly went on and why — maybe even why I let it go on as long as I did in the first place. Fuck. I let it go on because I love her. And love doesn’t always make sense, or dictate the right thing to do or say.
I realize that I am not the best at reading “signals” from women. I am more of a straight forward Butch. Tell me like it is and I will get it, beat around the bush, threaten me and try to cower me and I just go from irritated, to frustrated to disappointed and then to angry. Maybe that is more like a man would think. I’ve surrounded myself with men most of my life, in many aspects. I worked in a male dominated industry for years, having to hold my own – which I did proficiently.
I was taught not to cry, not to let things get to me to push me to that state of mind. It wasn’t Butch to cry. (I know this isn’t true now, but it’s one hard habit to break once you have conditioned yourself to react in such a way).
I just wanted to be cared for like I cared for her. I wanted equal footing in the relationship – in all ways. I wanted us to be friends – and lovers! I never wanted anyone so damned badly in recent years. It sucks that it all had to go to hell like it did, and really all over nothing but more and more miscommunication. I am so sorry for it and wish I could turn back time and change it all so I was not without her now. She was good for me, and I think I was good for her too.
I would have done anything to meet her in person and wrap my arms around her with love. Pieces of me will never be complete with things standing as they are. There will always be the “what IF” and the wondering on both sides I am sure about what could have been. What I believe could have been a really successful relationship if it had been given the proper chances and the proper attention; had the right things have been done and said.
For now I will walk on and figure out where I am going from here in my own way. One day in the distant future I may even try dating again….but no way is that going to be happening too soon. As long as she is stuck in my heart and head I can’t and will NOT see anyone else, it wouldn’t be completely fair to them, nor would I be being true to my own heart. Plus I’ve done fine on my own the last few years, and I will continue to do just fine as long as the proverbial bus doesn’t get me sooner.
Thanks to everyone who reads me and gets that I am just trying to figure all this out, figure out what went wrong and where, when, why and how. It’s not easy. I feel like shit about it all. She doesn’t read my blogs anymore, so I figured I am safe to write about my thoughts once again. I always feared hurting her when I wrote, and my intentions toward her have no harm or fear in them. I have only respect for her and love for her, to this day. ~Peace~ MB