Some days I just want to scream and throw in the proverbial towel. I think back to my “Fish or Cut Bait” blog and realize it’s time for ME to cut bait and move the fuck on down the road of life. I’ve been really hung up for months on someone who is not in the same frame of mind that I am in, and it has gotten to the point where all we do is hurt one another with words. I don’t mean for it to be that way, but I won’t sit and be belittled without defending myself either. I keep going back to this particular relationship, despite the difficulties, because I really am deeply into her….but I cannot keep doing this to myself, and she can’t either. It’s not fair to either of us. So someone has to be the bad ass here and end the merry go-round cycles of up and down. I guess it’s me. Such is my life. I’ve been the bad boi more than once before, it’ll be alright I know. She’ll move on and I will as well. It may not feel great right this second, but time will heal things. She’ll forget me, and I will move on too.
So Summer is unofficially here, and I am single again. Wow. Talk about fucked up…I’m not getting any younger here, and I should just resign myself to staying single and dating a little bit. Pride is coming, I’m sure I’ll be meeting more women and getting out more. I really need to just put myself out there and see what happens, it’s just that it’s so scary, you never know who you will meet, although I find that I meet some pretty cool women in general.
I got my flower beds planted, with very little fanfare….I wasn’t really into it. I haven’t been feeling “quite right” for a little while now. I know it’s a medication thing, I had sort of fallen off of all of my meds for the last month, anti-depressants and all, and it’s a bitch getting restarted on them. I wanted to see if I felt any better without them, but I don’t. I think I actually need to change up on the anti-depressants themselves, and will be speaking with my doctor about this. My depression lingers for a long time, it makes me want to sleep more and do a lot less. I deal with it just fine because I live alone, but it’s just not healthy for me to stay in the low cycle.
Grilled up some burgers on the BBQ this evening for dinner…I really need to eat better. Eating is so boring when you have to prepare meals alone, so I usually just snack most of the time, and eat real meals only when I am with family or friends either at their houses or out at an eating establishment. I know it’s not a good diet choice…but it is what it is. I’m sure I’d feel better if I ate more protein and more regularly.
I been working to get my storage unit emptied, and it’s finally done, I just finished a little while ago. We (my sister, Mom and I and some neighbors near my sister’s place) are having a big yard sale there this weekend. I’m unloading all this stuff I had in storage and lightening my load of crap in the world. Next I am going to begin cleaning out the house room-by-room to remove the excess and clutter I’ve gathered in the last 4 years here. I just have too much stuff, and I have no idea where it all comes from in general. Clothing seems to propagate like mice…I have a closet full of clothes and I wear about 25% of the stuff. So it’s going to the local charity thrift shop as soon as I go through it all again.
Off to see what the rest of my day brings. Peace. ~MB