Last of May….

Some days I just want to scream and throw in the proverbial towel.  I think back to my “Fish or Cut Bait” blog and realize it’s time for ME to cut bait and move the fuck on down the road of life.  I’ve been really hung up for months on someone who is not in the same frame of mind that I am in, and it has gotten to the point where all we do is hurt one another with words.  I don’t mean for it to be that way, but I won’t sit and be belittled without defending myself either.  I keep going back to this particular relationship, despite the difficulties, because I really am deeply into her….but I cannot keep doing this to myself, and she can’t either.  It’s not fair to either of us.  So someone has to be the bad ass here and end the merry go-round cycles of up and down.  I guess it’s me.  Such is my life.  I’ve been the bad boi more than once before, it’ll be alright I know.  She’ll move on and I will as well.  It may not feel great right this second, but time will heal things.  She’ll forget me, and I will move on too.

So Summer is unofficially here, and I am single again.  Wow.  Talk about fucked up…I’m not getting any younger here, and I should just resign myself to staying single and dating a little bit.  Pride is coming, I’m sure I’ll be meeting more women and getting out more.  I really need to just put myself out there and see what happens, it’s just that it’s so scary, you never know who you will meet, although I find that I meet some pretty cool women in general.

I got my flower beds planted, with very little fanfare….I wasn’t really into it.  I haven’t been feeling “quite right” for a little while now.  I know it’s a medication thing, I had sort of fallen off of all of my meds for the last month, anti-depressants and all, and it’s a bitch getting restarted on them.  I wanted to see if I felt any better without them, but I don’t.  I think I actually need to change up on the anti-depressants themselves, and will be speaking with my doctor about this.  My depression lingers for a long time, it makes me want to sleep more and do a lot less.  I deal with it just fine because I live alone, but it’s just not healthy for me to stay in the low cycle.

Grilled up some burgers on the BBQ this evening for dinner…I really need to eat better.  Eating is so boring when you have to prepare meals alone, so I usually just snack most of the time, and eat real meals only when I am with family or friends either at their houses or out at an eating establishment.  I know it’s not a good diet choice…but it is what it is.  I’m sure I’d feel better if I ate more protein and more regularly.

I been working to get my storage unit emptied, and it’s finally done, I just finished a little while ago.  We (my sister, Mom and I and some neighbors near my sister’s place) are having a big yard sale there this weekend.  I’m unloading all this stuff I had in storage and lightening my load of crap in the world.  Next I am going to begin cleaning out the house room-by-room to remove the excess and clutter I’ve gathered in the last 4 years here.  I just have too much stuff, and I have no idea where it all comes from in general.  Clothing seems to propagate like mice…I have a closet full of clothes and I wear about 25% of the stuff.  So it’s going to the local charity thrift shop as soon as I go through it all again.

Off to see what the rest of my day brings.  Peace.  ~MB

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6 Replies to “Last of May….”

  1. i have no idea exactly when or how i ‘bumped into’ your site, but i did, and now i keep returning to see how things are going with and for you- our lives are almost polar opposites, but i like to think we could see and respect each other’s similarities and differences- so sorry about you having this ‘down cycle,’ but for every down there is a balancing ‘up’ somewhere out there (at this point someone should appear singing a bad rendition of ‘over the rainbow,’ no?)- i’m sure that making yourself get out and meet new people will reward you generously, although finding motivation to do so has to be a trial- same thing with eating right which is sometimes just not much fun when tasty snacks seem easier and more fun too-

    do take care, keep talking, and remember there are strangers out here cheering you on-
    barb in texas

  2. You’re one of my best friends and it’s hard to sit back and watch you go through this cycle of ups and downs. I’ve held my tongue (which you know is hard for me) when it comes to the way I feel about you being hurt, and then pulled back in, you know what happens when you swallow the hook, you get your guts ripped out. I see a different side of you that I’ve never experienced in all the years I’ve known you. I’ve never seen your confidence shaken or you ever allowing anything or anyone effect you in such a way that you’ve become compliant. I know you have a very soft center, but I think it’s been held over the fire too long (I smell something burning and it’s WAY overdone) I want you to be happy, and I know you deal with depression, but hell..I don’t see that helping the matter. As far as your meds, you know it isn’t good to play around and yes, I will call you incessantly until your ear falls off if that’s what it takes. You have to pay attention to your diet, I know your able to cook real meals, and you love to grill…how hard is that!? I looked at the pictures of the gardens and could tell you just weren’t feeling it..but I liked the post anyway. I’m glad you’re downsizing, I know clutter gets to anyone after a while. I think sometimes our minds get cluttered too…and maybe it’s time to make some space there, too. You should go to pride..you should be going a lot of places and meeting people, sitting at home staring at the walls and making wishes doesn’t make things happen…you would tell me the same thing, especially in the situations you’ve found yourself in as of late. You’re an amazing woman, a hard core butch, and anyone should consider themselves thought of highly when you give them your time and emotions. I really want to see you rise up again, you deserve to find and be happy..time to blow on those coals instead of burning up in them.. ❤

    1. I know you know me better than most anyone in the world. And you know that I am strong headed, this isn’t always good for me. I don’t feel that I have become “compliant” at all, but I have definitely changed some ways in order to make this work with her. I don’t know what it is about her, I am in love and can’t get her out of my head. Even when she’s mad at me I am still here loving her and wishing I knew how to make it better with us. It’s tough because it’s long distance, and that’s never easy. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won’t. But I don’t regret getting involved with her at all, she’s been very good to me in general, treated me very respectfully and lovingly. It’s usually ME fucking up, per usual. I just really do hope that I haven’t lost her completely this time….I would hate that. Again, thanks for your concern hun.

      1. I know where you’re coming from, and it’s a rough ride being in an LDR, let alone it being out of the country. I agree you have feelings for her, and to some degree, I get that. Testosterone or not, you’ve always had a hard time with being expressive, and understanding the femme dynamic. I think you should build a boat, spend some actual time together, and not via a screen or a text or anything mechanical…you only see people like that in a certain light, no matter the situation or relationship you have with them. Communicating feelings via the internet doesn’t give you the whole picture. Yes, you are strong minded and sometimes even bullheaded, and I believe it can be maddening to want some kind of foundation, and sometimes feel like you are in sinking sand. I have no doubt that you have come to respect and care for her, love comes in many forms. I’ve never heard you say, about anyone that you’ve been with, anything bad. Only a blessing or a lesson. I don’t believe it’s all a one sided f*ck up, you, as well as her, have opinions, ideas, and beliefs and there has to be a neutral ground, a meeting in the middle. Sometimes there’s things you can’t control, but what you can and choose not to or to, is coming from both, not just one or the other. You’ve come together for a reason, and it hasn’t played out what that is, but I hope it is what you want it to become…

  3. Geez, Ange, I like the way you can write, but sometimes you’re so depressing to read! We’ve all got our own little dramas going on, huh? I’m dealing with aging parents in not so good health. My father has dementia and today he put his shorts on backwards (with the fly in the back.) He actually got the button done, but the zipper? Not. Terrible to be a guy and have your shorts on backwards.

    I’ve been following you for quite a few years through the ‘Tube and such. You’re a pretty ok person. I’m one of those silent types who just watch the ‘tube and don’t contribute. I feel I’ve just not anything important to share.

    Stay strong and keep on truckin, dude!

    Silent type

    Sent from my iPad

    >

    1. Yeah, I’m not always a little ball of sunshine…if I was I wouldn’t be believable anyways. I write it how I feel it that day, that moment. Anything else would be unauthentic and just a bunch of words. I’ve actaully stopped writing regularly because of my dealing with depression and having a hard time putting things into positive perspective, so you’ve been spared the gory details believe me! Sorry about your dad, I do think it’s good that he remembered to PUT the shorts ON though, I’ve seen what dementia can do to a person’s brain, it’s not always funny or pretty….my thoughts go out to you as you deal with this debilitating disease. Take care.

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