The brilliance of this blank blogging page is intimidating. I haven’t written a single word in what feels like over a month now, and it’s just not like me, and it’s not making me happy at all. I love to write, and it’s something that if I do it every day it makes my day more complete, more normal.
I have been battling some depression as of late. And letting every little thing bother me to no end. It’s funny that when I become depressed everything else seems to magnify in it’s intensity; my irritablness, my inability to focus, my ADD and my shorter fused temper. I try to be more aware of these things, which keeps me in this hyper vigilant state…not good either. I just want to relax and feel normal.
Depression is so difficult to describe to someone who doesn’t have it or really understand it. I have found this out first hand many times. I don’t like to talk about my own depression, it shames me, it makes me nervous and it feels like I am just crazy sometimes. Which I assure you, I am not. Those of you reading this that deal with depression on any level – in yourself or in a close loved one – will understand when I say that sometimes there just isn’t a verbally expressable reason to be given to anyone for why one is depressed.
I’ve heard every “cure” known. “Just smile and think happy thoughts” “You can’t be depressed, everyone loves you” “Just snap out of it, and be happy” Etc. Etc. Etc. You get the gist I am sure. It seems so simple until you are mired up to your ears in the feelings of doom, gloom, hopelessness and helplessness that are depression’s evil followers
I even take strong medications to try to control it. The meds do keep me in check pretty well, but still sometimes I go through a depressive episode anyways. But with the meds they are generally pretty short and tolerable.
this current state I am in has been just a few days, and I have to say it’s really not a “bad” epidsode at all. I just feel really low, and out of sorts. I have that I am “useless” feeling…but in my rational brain I know this is not true and I know that with some of the meditations that I do, some more outside activity and some personal kindness to myself I will ease out of this spot and be just fine once again. It just takes a little patience and self-awareness, coupled with a strong will and a refusal to be this way all the time.
I have friends who suffer from some pretty bad serious depression, mine is nothing compared to what others go through I am sure. I’ve seen my best friend at her utter worst with her untreatable severe depression, and it’s very painful to see from the outside looking in, so I can only imagine what it is really like for her to be living it in her head.
My depression has triggers. I’m sure most people in the world have triggers of things that will depress them or send them into a bad mood for a few days. No one is really immune from being depressed, it’s part of the human condition. It’s just ath some people are more prone to it than others and it’s handled differently by each individual.
One of the triggers of my current pissed off state is that my buddy who lives in the same neighborhood as me has had to move back up to interior Maine quite suddenly. I didn’t even have time to compute what was going on really before she had to pack up and leave. It’s not her fault, the situation just came up and she had to make a difficult decision. It pissed me off because I enjoyed having a friend close by, I enjoyed having someone I could just call up and say “hey, let’s go shopping” or “let’s take the dogs somewhere” at the spur of the moment. My reaction to her having to move so fast and so far away so suddenly just wasn’t something that I had prepared myself for dealing with. Generally people get notice of 2-3 months before they are required to move, but when your housing is suddenly in jeopardy of being gone in a matter of days or a couple of weeks it has a serious phychological affect on an individual.
People NEED a place to LIVE…not just a place to sleep at night, but a space in which to live and be comfortable. I feel really bad because it was me who found the room she was renting, and me who encouraged her to move down closer to southern Maine. So of course, I feel somewhat responsible. But I did learn some lessons too. Like never move without a written lease to protect your interests. Leases are to protect BOTH the leasor and the leasee.
I feel really lucky – thus I should not be depressed right? Right. My housing is very secure, but it makes me angry that someone that I care for got shafted out of her housing like she did. I will not go into details other than to say she was given no warning nor any sort of formal notice by her roommate, just told that she should look for other housing. When she questioned how long she had his answer was to say he was selling and moving asap and that could be either in 2 weeks or in 2 months…it was a fucked up situation. I shall stay out of housing suggestions as much as possible from now on. I just hope that she can find a good solid, affordable situation for her and Oreo, her cat, as soon as possible. Currently she’s sleeping on a friend’s couch. She’ll stay with me this coming weekend, but the couch surfing days are for when you are in your 20’s and much more carefree…not for when we are over 50 and need security in our living space.
Another trigger for me is that I get lonely. Even though I have a huge family here, and they love me I know. It’s just lonely living alone and knowing that that will not change. Waking up every morning exactly the same way, alone, and having coffee in the morning, alone. Showering, dressing and deciding what the day will be like, alone. I’m tired of being alone.
I do have a very serious romantic interest, I admit that. She’s very far away though, we are doing the long distance thing and we’ve been doing pretty good with it too. Thank the universe for the internet, particularly Skype and Viber. I manage to talk to her every day quite a bit, and we Skype as often as possible. I love seeing her smiling face on that screen, I just wish I could reach through it and touch her cheek, run my fingers through her hair and brush away those pesky tears when they fall. I would give anything to be able to see her in person very soon. I’m really hoping that we can make it happen over the summer sometime. She is vital to my happiness every day; so important to me. She’s the reason I smile when I do get up in the morning and immediately check my phone for messages from her. It’s not easy doing the online long distance thing, but I wouldn’t give her up for anything. I just want to continue to find ways to make her smile and laugh and be happy interacting with me, and I want to see us continue to enjoy one another. It’s been like 8 months now and I am just blown away with how entirely into her that I am. She is the best part of my day; of my life right now.
I have to say that I am finding this writing to be therapeutic tonight. Perhaps this is what I needed, to get back to my writing and to get back to putting my feelings out there instead of bottling them all up inside where they are driving me nuts and causing some of the depression for sure.
Other things going on here…well, the weather is FINALLY more summer-ish. It was 83 F today and sunny. I got some new flowers to plant, I have thus far planted my herb garden, and one of my railing boxes with wave petunias and accent plants. I have 2 more flats of flowers to disperse to two other railing boxes, plus to mingle into the gardens around the property. Most of the ones I have to plant are annuals, you plant them once a year, they do not come back the next year like perrenials do. Much of my bigger gardens around the place are perrenial gardens and they fill right up every year as the plants spread when they come back up. I just love gardening. My sweetheart calls me Butch Stewart….cute huh? I actually needed less annuals this year because the perrenial gardens are doing so well. But I shall brighten them up with some marigolds, ronoculus and some greenery like coleus plants. I lost two rose bushes, but the climbing rose is doing well, so I will give it a new trellis this year to grow on.
The new puppy, Lulu Lemondrop…aka Osama Bin FuzzButt, due to her terrorist ways…hahahaah….is doing quite well. She definitely fit right in and took over. Nola is very standoffish still, but she tolerates and watches over the little one. Thus far it’s sort of a love-hate relationship. Nola takes a while to warm up to anything, but I think she will eventually warm up to Lulu too. Lu just has to grow and get a little bigger. Nola does try to play with her occasionally, but Lu only weighs two pounds!!! So she’s easily mowed over by Nola! Lulu teases Nola incessantly abou the rawhide bone supply. She is constantly stealing Nola’s chew bone, which causes quite the panic and cacophony of growls, snarls and barks. This seems to make Lulu somewhat gleeful. As she races away with whatever she can confiscate. Nola DOES tease her back with them, putting the bone right under Lulu’s nose and chewing and growling….like “see, it’s MINE…”
My house still looks like a doggie day care center. Not good for my need for organization and neatness! The pack and play is set up in my living room, and it’s vital because it’s where Lulu sleeps. She will ask to be put in or taken out of it very politely. She’s a smart little shit I must say. She rides in the car quite well, although she prefers for me to hold her across my forearm while I am driving. So I’m becoming quite proficient at one handed driving. I have tried to explain to her that she’s going to outgrow this position…but try to tell a 12 week old puppy anything it doesn’t want to hear…it will pretend not to understand you in a heartbeat! 🙂
The dogs both love to go to Dairy Queen for ice cream….it’s their most favorite joint activity and they don’t fight over the ice cream, which is just amazing, and cute to watch.
Ok…I need to get to bed and get some sleep, it’s 11:11PM (AND I just made a wish!!!) I hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful weather we are having on the East Coast…and I pray for those in the tornado zones and it makes me sad to see all that damage and devastation on the news.
Sorry that I have been gone for so long and for the rather boring content of this particular entry…but let me get back into the groove. Any suggestions for what you want to hear from me about would be welcome!