Awesome Weather…Nicer Days

Then there are these days that I feel so damned good…even pretty silly and a bit daring.  I woke up this morning with a touch of this mischievous beast in me.  I feel like a different person on days like this, all of this pent up energy sort of bubbling to the surface.  I get that some of it is nervous energy.  Some of it comes from upping my activity level by warp speeds the last week.  I’ve been so busy working and stuff that I have evidently shifted a gear inside that is keeping me up on this motivated sort of plane of existence.

 

The weather has been quite awesome lately.  Hazy, hot and humid, just the way I like it.  Fuck the winter and snow, this is how it should be year round in my life — I wish!  🙂  It’s raining today and I got up early, around 6am and started doing a really thorough cleaning of my cave here.  I’d sort of let it go the last couple of weeks, our of both laziness and depression.  I had a real “fuck it” attitude going on, and I knew it.  I had to bust out of it, so I picked up some outside work this week and got out into the sunshine and nice weather.  A good dose of vitamin Sunshine and I physically feel a hell of a lot better.  Plus I am sleeping pretty good from both being out in the sun all day and from just pure exhaustion.  Either way, the solid sleep feels pretty damned good, and is definitely what I needed.

I got my medications back on track, that took me a week to get it back right, but it’s all good now.  Taking all my doses on schedule and got it all straightened out.  It’s not good to take the drug holidays like I do, but occasionally I get so tired of taking all these required medications every day, three times a day, that I just get fed up and then I say fuck it and just quit taking them for a while. It’s a bit dangerous to do with my HIV meds because it increases the chances of building a tolerance to them. I’ve lucked out though and that hasn’t happened yet.  I’ve been doing the “drug holidays” from my HIV meds for years, taking them for like 6 months religiously then laying off them for 1-2 months to let my liver and kidneys have a break.  Thus far I haven’t built any tolerance to the cocktail of drugs that I am on for that condition.  As for the anti-depressants, that’s the first time I have really done that with them.  I know I have to take them because they do cause some major mood swings if I miss enough doses of them.  I learned my lesson there, I won’t be doing that again. Although I may speak to my primary doctor about changing up the medications in the near future, as I feel like these that I have been on the last 3 years aren’t really working as well as they used to work.  But for now I am back on them and being good about not missing my doses.

The puppy is getting big, she’s all legs now, looks a bit out of kilter in her growth. And her “fuzzy” puppy coat is changing slowly over to a more adult textured coat.  She’s got some coloring like big wide reddish strip down her back and she’s blonde in the face, ears and head, the rest of her is white.  She’s going to be a pretty little Pom when she’s done going through the weird little growth spurts.  She’s weighing in at about 2.4 pounds now. And she’s very strong. Her personality is excellent.  I like that she’s VERY social and loves to play. She loves everyone she meets, greeting everyone with that same puppy excitement and kisses.  When I hold my hands down around my knees she will jump into them, so I am thinking that I can train her to jump up into my arms if I keep working with her on it.  She and Nola are getting along better and better.  Nola is quite protective of her.  Especially when they are out around other dogs or cats, Nola watches over her and doesn’t let the other animals mess with her too much.  Not that any of them, like my sister’s dog Brando, would hurt her but they are curious and want to play with her.  Nola isn’t too keen on letting anyone play with “her” puppy!  It’s kind of cute.  But at the same time it’s not good because Nola was never socialized to other dogs properly — my fault I know, as I didn’t think to expose her to alot of other dogs, thus now I pay the price as she is anti-social with other (especially larger breed) dogs. So with the puppy I am trying to give her as much exposure to other people and other dogs and cats as possible so that I won’t have two anti-social creatures on my hands!  I’m hoping that while I ‘m raising Lulu some of the socialization stuff will favorably rub off on Nola. Poor girl is just miserable around larger dogs.  With small dogs she’s just fine, and once she gets used to them she will even try to play.  Nola will be 8 on June 10th, I hope she’s not too old to learn some new tricks! 🙂 She is a pretty smart little dog, just very sensitive and not like the other dogs.  She requires my full attention when she’s in unfamiliar surroundings, and she’s unsure of herself sometimes I think.

One of my aquarium fish died yesterday.  My favorite one, the turquoise gourami. I’m not sure why, but I found him floating yesterday.  That’s the first fish I’ve lost since I put them in the tank.  So it’s not a bad mortality rate at all.  The tank has been up a couple of months now.  I have to get an algae eater, as the tank’s ecosystem is finally settled in and it’s starting to get a little green algae from the live plants in there.  I had been waiting to get the pleckotemous algae eater because there just wasn’t enough food in there yet for one to survive (they primarily eat the algae in the tank).  But it’s time now.  So perhaps this week I’ll swing by Petco and pick up one that’s around 2 inches long. And while I am there I will also probably get more of the live plants.  Right now the tank is about 2/3 artificial plants and 1/3 live plants.  To keep the ecosystem in balance you cannot just add all new live plants at once, so I am doing it in stages.  I will replace another 1/3 of the artificial ones with live ones.  I will also buy a manual algae scraper so that if the build up on the glass becomes a problem before the plecko can catch up. Right now I only have a few spots of live algae.  The water chemistry is perfect, so it baffles me what killed my favorite fish.  Aquarium keeping is something that I have done since I got my first one at 6 yrs old (for Christmas that year), and I generally have a pretty good handle on taking care of my tanks quite well.

I spent the morning in between my cleaning of the different rooms in my home, watching Indy car racing live from Detroit.  They were racing 70 laps, or two hours, which ever came first because of rain.  I’ve become pretty interested in auto racing lately.  Yes, I did watch the Indy 500 just recently too.  When I was a teenager I used to hang out at Lee Raceway over in Lee, New Hampshire and I loved it.  We raced Yankee modifieds there in the 70’s and it was awesome.  I still have a bunch of photos somewhere, but they are the old fashioned (eh!) hard copy photos, no digitals.  I’ll dig up a digital to display here.

Yankee Mods where smaller cars, and the races were always exciting, many locals here raced and I dated a driver for a while when I was around 18, thus spent many weekends at that track having a blast.  I really loved it.  I’m not sure what the renewed interest in racing with me is, but I’ve really been enjoying watching the races and learning about things such as vintage model racing, which I watched a bunch about this morning.  I am particularly drawn to vintage cars, so I can imagine vintage car racing is awesome as hell !

It’s almost 4pm on Sunday, and I am going to hunker down and watch a movie or two, cuddle with the dogs and think about sweeter things 😉  I do hope everyone has had a great weekend, where ever you are and whatever you are doing!

~Peace~    ~MB~

Love, and My Thursday

Because of the last blog I wrote, I wanted to clarify some things.  You see, Love is a really complex thing sometimes.  Sometimes it’s simple, which is how I prefer it, but sometimes it just gets complicated.  When I love I love hard, and I am very dedicated to trying to do things right for both parties involved.  Sometimes this is impossible, depending upon the situation.   I’ve been involved with someone that I have fallen pretty damned hard for, and it hasn’t been an easy go of it.  But I chose to get involved, and I don’t regret it one bit.  She’s a pretty awesome woman, and I have deep love and respect for her.  She’s a super good person, with a big heart and a great sense of humor.  We just have some differences in opinion about ways to deal with things which have made it very difficult on both of us.  And me being as emotionally stupid as I can be sometimes doesn’t help matters much.  I try to protect her by not talking too much about us in my blog…but that’s difficult sometimes, People want to know what is driving me batty, and what’s affecting my moods….and this is definitely part of it.  I am usually in a great mood when things are going well with us.  I enjoy our conversations, laughter and talking to her every day.  She has become a very important part of my daily life, and as hard as long distance is, I am willing to keep working at it.  I don’t see it as a lost cause, although I know I’ve sounded a little like that in previous  blogs…but I’m also not sure what will happen with this situation.  Much of that is up to her and what she wants with me.

Different people have different requirements or needs, and I just suck at recognizing this sometimes, I figure if I am doing okay with things that everything must just be okay for everybody, which is just not always the case as I have discovered.  I can be really impervious to things sometimes; I just don’t always think clearly or realized what’s happening right in front of my face until it’s too late to take action to correct things. It’s something I really need to work on with myself.  Then I tend to get aggravated with myself and my temper shows.  Sometimes I wonder if the testosterone has a bit to do with my temper and inability to properly or adequately verbalize my feelings in those moments of irritation.  Someone else was writing in another blog about their temper being more volitile since they started the testosterone, even though I am on a low dose I do suppose it could be having some effect.  I’ve noticed that I have less emotional response; that I don’t always process feelings the same way that I once did and that I can be more detached sometimes.  I’m not sure that this is a good thing at all.  I don’t want to become emotionally stoic.

I don’t really want to start dating or seeing any other women.  I really have no interest in anyone else. I am still far too into this woman I was seeing, and I just don’t care to get involved with anyone else.   I need some time to figure out what I am doing and put a new plan into action for myself.  If I can’t have the woman I want in my life right now then I will just play happily alone.  It’s not a big deal for me, I like being alone for the most part.  Sure it does get lonely, but I can handle it.  And I do have friends that I talk to and who help me see things from better perspectives sometimes.

I spent the morning working on a swimming pool in Durham, NH and it was fun and relaxing to be out in the sunshine all morning working steadily.  I was in the pool industry for 22 years, so it’s like second nature to me to just pick up and start cleaning or servicing a pool.  I haven’t done much of it the last few years, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to pick up a couple of clients to provide cleaning services to weekly…and the cash would be beneficial too.  The guy I worked for today is an old friend of mine, and it was good to see him. And the job was pretty straight forward, so it was no big deal to go give him a hand.

It was a beautiful ride out through Durham this morning.  Through the farm lands and the dense forests.  The sun was shining and it was just so peaceful. I turned up the music in my truck and just enjoyed the drive immensely.  I’m much more relaxed today for some reason.  Perhaps it’s just working that gave me a sense of purpose today, and relaxed me with time in the sunshine too.  I’m going to have one fabulous farmer’s tan!  My arms and face are already getting dark.

I’m going to a girls softball game this afternoon.  That should be really fun watching a couple of the local teams play.  My niece plays on the town team, and I hear she’s pretty good. It will be more time out in the sunshine, absorbing vitamin D and deepening this tan.  I remember the days I played softball, in the Army and in high school…I loved that game and wish I could still play today.  My right shoulder just won’t allow it though, torn rotator cuff and hurt like hell after a few good throws.  It was always my favorite sport to play.  With billiards as my second favorite, but that is actually on a different level.  I still play a lot of billiards/pool when I can…8 ball is my favorite game, and I am a pretty good shot.  My stick is hanging in my bedroom just waiting to get broken out and used.  I just need to find a suitable establishment to play at once again.  The pool hall in Portsmouth tends to be really sleezy and I don’t like playing there.  I’d rather play at a bar or establishment that has good tables.  Damn, I miss that game.

Last of May….

Some days I just want to scream and throw in the proverbial towel.  I think back to my “Fish or Cut Bait” blog and realize it’s time for ME to cut bait and move the fuck on down the road of life.  I’ve been really hung up for months on someone who is not in the same frame of mind that I am in, and it has gotten to the point where all we do is hurt one another with words.  I don’t mean for it to be that way, but I won’t sit and be belittled without defending myself either.  I keep going back to this particular relationship, despite the difficulties, because I really am deeply into her….but I cannot keep doing this to myself, and she can’t either.  It’s not fair to either of us.  So someone has to be the bad ass here and end the merry go-round cycles of up and down.  I guess it’s me.  Such is my life.  I’ve been the bad boi more than once before, it’ll be alright I know.  She’ll move on and I will as well.  It may not feel great right this second, but time will heal things.  She’ll forget me, and I will move on too.

So Summer is unofficially here, and I am single again.  Wow.  Talk about fucked up…I’m not getting any younger here, and I should just resign myself to staying single and dating a little bit.  Pride is coming, I’m sure I’ll be meeting more women and getting out more.  I really need to just put myself out there and see what happens, it’s just that it’s so scary, you never know who you will meet, although I find that I meet some pretty cool women in general.

I got my flower beds planted, with very little fanfare….I wasn’t really into it.  I haven’t been feeling “quite right” for a little while now.  I know it’s a medication thing, I had sort of fallen off of all of my meds for the last month, anti-depressants and all, and it’s a bitch getting restarted on them.  I wanted to see if I felt any better without them, but I don’t.  I think I actually need to change up on the anti-depressants themselves, and will be speaking with my doctor about this.  My depression lingers for a long time, it makes me want to sleep more and do a lot less.  I deal with it just fine because I live alone, but it’s just not healthy for me to stay in the low cycle.

Grilled up some burgers on the BBQ this evening for dinner…I really need to eat better.  Eating is so boring when you have to prepare meals alone, so I usually just snack most of the time, and eat real meals only when I am with family or friends either at their houses or out at an eating establishment.  I know it’s not a good diet choice…but it is what it is.  I’m sure I’d feel better if I ate more protein and more regularly.

I been working to get my storage unit emptied, and it’s finally done, I just finished a little while ago.  We (my sister, Mom and I and some neighbors near my sister’s place) are having a big yard sale there this weekend.  I’m unloading all this stuff I had in storage and lightening my load of crap in the world.  Next I am going to begin cleaning out the house room-by-room to remove the excess and clutter I’ve gathered in the last 4 years here.  I just have too much stuff, and I have no idea where it all comes from in general.  Clothing seems to propagate like mice…I have a closet full of clothes and I wear about 25% of the stuff.  So it’s going to the local charity thrift shop as soon as I go through it all again.

Off to see what the rest of my day brings.  Peace.  ~MB

My Garden Pics

Hell Day…but it’s Okay

My blog is my blog and I will write, or not write about whatever the fuck I feel like writing about.  I will answer questions if I find that I want to answer them.  This is not a democracy.  Just so you know.  I won’t be bullied in to anything.  Either stay and read or move on.

I had a hell day yesterday, and I’m really glad it’s over.  Today was much better.  I had issues with the cable company and lost my tv and internet for the day, seems my electronic payment didn’t go through properly and I had to chase it down in cyberspace and at the bank.  Finally got it all straight and I will tell you THAT won’t be happening again!  I about went nuts without TV and internet.  What IS there to do in the evening without TV?  I ended up doing word puzzles and reading and meditating alot.  I went to be ridiculously early, turned on the iPod and zoned out.  But I must say I was pretty perplexed and felt a bit cut off from the world without my internet.  I did have FB on my phone, and I did surf some Youtube videos on the phone as well, I admit.  If not for that phone I would have been completely nuts.  Then to top off the day I locked my keys in my car and had to call Triple A to come and get me into the car….it was just one of those days.

Got the lawns mowed and trimmed up today.  Looks good out there, now all my plants and flowers are in their respective containers; gardens are growing like mad and things are blooming beautifully.  I know I should have taken photos tonight when I finished, but it slipped my mind and I ‘ll try to remember to shoot some pics to post up tomorrow here.

I been feeling kind of melancholy because my friend Suretta is leaving the area and moving far away.  I’m going to miss her for sure, it was fun hanging out and doing the yard sales and flea markets with her on weekends.  I guess this is just something she has to do to see if it’s what she wants and where she wants to be in life.  I know I am very secure right where I am and I think Maine is the balls of a place to live for a lot of reasons.  Sure the winters are a bitch, but otherwise it’s got some great perks.  Plus I couldn’t just up and move, I’m not as mobile as she is at this point.

The rest of my friends here are of the straight variety, I don’t have any other LGBT friends in the area anymore, most have either left or hitched up and shacked up and you never see them anymore.  Seems to be the thing to do, get married and hibernate.  I like my straight friends though, they all are super cool and good people, and are supportive of me.  I hang pretty close to home and around town pretty tight, so it’s not like I am going to the gay bars in Boston really looking to meet any other LGBT people either, I’m a little lazy like that plus I don’t care much for the nightclub scene anymore.  It’s boring to me.  Probably because I don’t drink, which is the main idea of clubbing in Boston.  I did plenty of it in my 20’s  think I had my fill of that scene.

The new puppy is doing great.  She’s growing like a weed (pics tomorrow), getting some tall little legs and her coat is changing, with a nice reddish strip down the middle of her back.  She’s still a fluff ball.  Nola and her are getting along better all of the time, although you know that Nola has been adamant about maintaining the pecking order.  She scolds the puppy accordingly.  It’s funny to watch them interact.  I have a video tract of them eating dinner and the puppies back feet float completely up off the ground, she eats while balancing on her front paws.  I cannot find it to post it, damn….I will work on this too!!!!  It’s the funniest thing to watch her eat and do that balancing act.

Yesterday started off with me getting one of those cortisone shots in my c-spine, near C4/C5 area so that maybe the tingling in my arms will stop and I won’t have so much arm pain.  So far I have to say it’s worked quite well.  I noticed today a lot less pain from this area of my neck.  It’s still a bit tender from being invaded by a big needle, but it’s not feeling too awful bad.  I don’t know if anyone else has had those shots, but it wasn’t all that big a deal in the end.  I didn’t think it was all that bad.  The worst part was the numbing stuff they put in before hand.

Ok, that’s it for now.  I’m off to bed soon.

Identity Politics

There is so much seemingly new “talk” around the web and in our social circles about labels and identities as of late.  Or at least I am personally noticing a trend in this area.  I’ve noticed growing conversation about what it “means” to be Butch, Trans, Femme, Dyke, etc.  I’ve seen cartoon mock ups of the types of lesbians that we notice in the world now (world:bloggosphere).  I’m going to try to find that recent cartoon article and attach it here.  It lays out like 10 different “types” of lesbians that one encounters any given Sunday … or is that Saturday night?  ha.  From the Power Lesbian in the business suit with a cell phone duct taped to her right ear, to the ubber Femme pillow princess type who own’s stock in Cover Girl.  I’ve seen so many of these sort of articles and the such about lesbian identity … and gender variances as well.

I know that my experience of Butch is not the only way that one experiences it, that my interpetation is only one drop in a giant bucket of lesbian-ness in the world.

I remember the day when it was bad enough to be known as “queer”; when the word “lesbian” was something you read in the dictionary and came from some Greek mythology class.  No one used the word, it was almost like it was avoided intentionally – and it WAS.  Now what I am noticing is actually called Identity Politics.  suddenly there is sort of this political essence to our labels, some even have social status, and cultural prerequisites. We’ve divided, yet not conquered.

I’ve written about labels several other times in my blogging days, and it seems to be a recurring theme, with an ever changing landscape of views.  My own views and opinions have changed slightly in some respects, and have swung wildly in others. I used to think that labels were necessary, and in some respects I believe they still are…but they’ve become very very complicated.  It used to be the standard Butch/Femme, now it’s all sorts of variations of Butch and all sorts of mutations of Femme.  It’s easy to be confused…and more likely than not one WILL be confused by these identity politics.

I read an article today that really got me to thinking.  It was called “A Dispatch From the Shifting, Porous Border Between Butch and Trans”  I found this piece particularly good, well written, well thought out and pretty darned informative. The lines between Butch and Trans are becoming more porous in my opinion.  More than once I have blurred that thin line myself, and questioned my own identity.  Still I come back to the facts of myself that Butch women are not men – as stated in the first line of the article.  Yet so many people think still that Butch women want to be men…it is a bit aggravating to those of us who prescribe to the originality of Butch.  It’s my identity, it’s who I am and it’s not that I want to be male, it’s just that I am a masculine woman.  Can you imagine how straight Butch women must feel?   Yes, there ARE straight Butches, believe it or not.  I have a couple in my own extended family even, women that fuck up the gaydar pretty bad.  Anyway the last thing that a straight Butch would want to be is a man.  She wants men in a whole different way, in that straight girl kind of way. I have a cousin who would put a good Butch lesbian to shame, she can roll with the best, and she’s straight as they come. Even in her relationships she’s generally more masculine than her male partners!  I love how she presents to the world, fearless and confident.

Another piece that I ran across lately, it was making the rounds on Facebook, so you may have seen this one, but it’s called “The Ornithology of the American Lesbian”    A cartoon piece, it was kind of funny, yet almost insulting with it’s subtle undertones of sarcasm.  It was fun to think about the labels in the guise of birds….It’s hard to describe what I am speaking about without you seeing the piece, so please check the link, and come back……I had someone ask me which bird they would be most closely associated with, but it was hard because they left (intentionally I am sure) a wide berth of perception with each. They’ve even dragged the lame old Shane from TV’s L-word into the fray…lame, lame..

None of us are born with a guidebook that provides explicit rules for thought and behavior that will enable us to navigate life successfully…..I think I read that somewhere else recently, and now that I return to finish writing this blog and posting it I forget where I read it.  Damn, that guidebook would have helped out alot through the years had someone figured it out and written it!

I read again tonight another piece on gender identity and the politics of using the word “Queer”, it was by a German blogger that I follow, you have to translate the page and sometimes think about the sentences to make complete sense of it, but her writing is interesting and thought provoking for sure on the subject.

Anyway, thought I would bring these articles and this subject to the table here.  I being of an older generation think we really need to be cautious about language and changing things too much so that we hit this zone of overkill with labels and words, and are always on alert for “offending” someone with a particular use of verbiage.  I read another particularly good piece in Huffington Post just this evening on the use of the word woman in some connotations.  I found that generationally there ARE big differences in how words are now being used, and with whom.

Catching up…

The brilliance of this blank blogging page is intimidating.  I haven’t written a single word in what feels like over a month now, and it’s just not like me, and it’s not making me happy at all.  I love to write, and it’s something that if I do it every day it makes my day more complete, more normal.

I have been battling some depression as of late.  And letting every little thing bother me to no end.  It’s funny that when I become depressed everything else seems to magnify in it’s intensity; my irritablness, my inability to focus, my ADD and my shorter fused temper.  I try to be more aware of these things, which keeps me in this hyper vigilant state…not good either.  I just want to relax and feel normal.

Depression is so difficult to describe to someone who doesn’t have it or really understand it.  I have found this out first hand many times.  I don’t like to talk about my own depression, it shames me, it makes me nervous and it feels like I am just crazy sometimes.  Which I assure you, I am not.  Those of you reading this that deal with depression on any level – in yourself or in a close loved one – will understand when I say that sometimes there just isn’t a verbally expressable reason to be given to anyone for why one is depressed.

I’ve heard every “cure” known.  “Just smile and think happy thoughts”  “You can’t be depressed, everyone loves you” “Just snap out of it, and be happy”  Etc. Etc. Etc.  You get the gist I am sure.  It seems so simple until you are mired up to your ears in the feelings of doom, gloom, hopelessness and helplessness that are depression’s evil followers

I even take strong medications to try to control it.  The meds do keep me in check pretty well, but still sometimes I go through a depressive episode anyways. But with the meds they are generally pretty short and tolerable.

this current state I am in has been just a few days, and I have to say it’s really not a “bad” epidsode at all.  I just feel really low, and out of sorts. I have that I am “useless” feeling…but in my rational brain I know this is not true and I know that with some of the meditations that I do, some more outside activity and some personal kindness to myself I will ease out of this spot and be just fine once again.  It just takes a little patience and self-awareness, coupled with a strong will and a refusal to be this way all the time.

I have friends who suffer from some pretty bad serious depression, mine is nothing compared to what others go through I am sure.  I’ve seen my best friend at her utter worst with her untreatable severe depression, and it’s very painful to see from the outside looking in, so I can only imagine what it is really like for her to be living it in her head.

My depression has triggers.  I’m sure most people in the world have triggers of things that will depress them or send them into a bad mood for a few days.  No one is really immune from being depressed, it’s part of the human condition.  It’s just ath some people are more prone to it than others and it’s handled differently by each individual.

One of the triggers of my current pissed off state is that my buddy who lives in the same neighborhood as me has had to move back up to interior Maine quite suddenly.   I didn’t even have time to compute what was going on really before she had to pack up and leave.  It’s not her fault, the situation just came up and she had to make a difficult decision.  It pissed me off because I enjoyed having a friend close by, I enjoyed having someone I could just call up and say “hey, let’s go shopping” or “let’s take the dogs somewhere” at the spur of the moment.  My reaction to her having to move so fast and so far away so suddenly just wasn’t something that I had prepared myself for dealing with.  Generally people get notice of 2-3 months before they are required to move, but when your housing is suddenly in jeopardy of being gone in a matter of days or a couple of weeks it has a serious phychological affect on an individual.

People NEED a place to LIVE…not just a place to sleep at night, but a space in which to live and be comfortable.   I feel really bad because it was me who found the room she was renting, and me who encouraged her to move down closer to southern Maine.  So of course, I feel somewhat responsible. But I did learn some lessons too.  Like never move without a written lease to protect your interests.  Leases are to protect BOTH the leasor and the leasee.

I feel really lucky – thus I should not be depressed right?  Right.  My housing is very secure, but it makes me angry that someone that I care for got shafted out of her housing like she did.  I will not go into details other than to say she was given no warning nor any sort of formal notice by her roommate, just told that she should look for other housing.  When she questioned how long she had his answer was to say he was selling and moving asap and  that could be either in 2 weeks or in 2 months…it was a fucked up situation.  I shall stay out of housing suggestions as much as possible from now on.  I just hope that she can find a good solid, affordable situation for her and Oreo, her cat, as soon as possible.  Currently she’s sleeping on a friend’s couch.  She’ll stay with me this coming weekend, but the couch surfing days are for when you are in your 20’s and much more carefree…not for when we are over 50 and need security in our living space.

Another trigger for me is that I get lonely.  Even though I have a huge family here, and they love me I know.  It’s just lonely living alone and knowing that that will not change.  Waking up every morning exactly the same way, alone, and having coffee in the morning, alone.  Showering, dressing and deciding what the day will be like, alone.  I’m tired of being alone.

I do have a very serious romantic interest, I admit that. She’s very far away though, we are doing the long distance thing and we’ve been doing pretty good with it too.  Thank the universe for the internet, particularly Skype and Viber.  I manage to talk to her every day quite a bit, and we Skype as often as possible.  I love seeing her smiling face on that screen, I just wish I could reach through it and touch her cheek, run my fingers through her hair and brush away those pesky tears when they fall.  I would give anything to be able to see her in person very soon.  I’m really hoping that we can make it happen over the summer sometime.  She is vital to my happiness every day; so important to me.  She’s the reason I smile when I do get up in the morning and immediately check my phone for messages from her.  It’s not easy doing the online long distance thing, but  I wouldn’t give her up for anything.  I just want to continue to find ways to make her smile and laugh and be happy interacting with me, and I want to see us continue to enjoy one another. It’s been like 8 months now and I am just blown away with how entirely into her that I am.  She is the best part of my day; of my life right now.

I have to say that I am finding this writing to be therapeutic tonight.  Perhaps this is what I needed, to get back to my writing and to get back to putting my feelings out there instead of bottling them all up inside where they are driving me nuts and causing some of the depression for sure.

Other things going on here…well, the weather is FINALLY more summer-ish.  It was 83 F today and sunny.   I got some new flowers to plant, I have thus far planted my herb garden, and one of my railing boxes with wave petunias and accent plants.  I have 2 more flats of flowers to disperse to two other railing boxes, plus to mingle into the gardens around the property.  Most of the ones I have to plant are annuals, you plant them once a year, they do not come back the next year like perrenials do.  Much of my bigger gardens around the place are perrenial gardens and they fill right up every year as the plants spread when they come back up.  I just love gardening.  My sweetheart calls me Butch Stewart….cute huh?  I actually needed less annuals this year because the perrenial gardens are doing so well.  But I shall brighten them up with some marigolds, ronoculus and some greenery like coleus plants.  I lost two rose bushes, but the climbing rose is doing well, so I will give it a new trellis this year to grow on.

The new puppy, Lulu Lemondrop…aka Osama Bin FuzzButt, due to her terrorist ways…hahahaah….is doing quite well.  She definitely fit right in and took over.  Nola is very standoffish still, but she tolerates and watches over the little one.  Thus far it’s sort of a love-hate relationship.  Nola takes a while to warm up to anything, but I think she will eventually warm up to Lulu too.  Lu just has to grow and get a little bigger.  Nola does try to play with her occasionally, but Lu only weighs two pounds!!!  So she’s easily mowed over by Nola!  Lulu teases Nola incessantly abou the rawhide bone supply.  She is constantly stealing Nola’s chew bone, which causes quite the panic and cacophony of growls, snarls and barks. This seems to make Lulu somewhat gleeful.  As she races away with whatever she can confiscate.  Nola DOES tease her back with them, putting the bone right under Lulu’s nose and chewing and growling….like “see, it’s MINE…”

My house still looks like a doggie day care center. Not good for my need for organization and neatness!  The pack and play is set up in my living room, and it’s vital because it’s where Lulu sleeps.  She will ask to be put in or taken out of it very politely.  She’s a smart little shit I must say.  She rides in the car quite well, although she prefers for me to hold her across my forearm while I am driving.  So I’m becoming quite proficient at one handed driving.  I have tried to explain to her that she’s going to outgrow this position…but try to tell a 12 week old puppy anything it doesn’t want to hear…it will pretend not to understand you in a heartbeat!  🙂

The dogs both love to go to Dairy Queen for ice cream….it’s their most favorite joint activity and they don’t fight over the ice cream, which is just amazing, and cute to watch.

Ok…I need to get to bed and get some sleep, it’s 11:11PM (AND I just made a wish!!!)  I hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful weather we are having on the East Coast…and I pray for those in the tornado zones and it makes me sad to see all that damage and devastation on the news.

Sorry that I have been gone for so long and for the rather boring content of this particular entry…but let me get back into the groove. Any suggestions for what you want to hear from me about would be welcome!

Peace!  ~MB