Disappear

Sometimes I just wish I could disappear. I feel like I can’t do anything right.  My temper isn’t geared to taking being beaten down again and again with the same words.  I will retaliate; lash out with my own vindictive words.  I will aim to hurt if I am being hurt, believe me.  And I come from a place where I call it like I see it.  If someone wants to act like a bitch to me then I will call them a bitch.  Words and actions take on a lot of weight with me, say what you mean.  And if you mean that you don’t wish to talk to me then just say it, don’t make it look like I am the bad guy somehow.

I live a very solitary life.  Hell, I am even somewhat of a hermit.  I stay to myself.  I don’t socialize very much, out of shyness and fear mostly.  When I do it’s very short and purpose driven; I go to family parties out of obligation mostly.  I don’t know how I really got to this point, as I used to be super social and go out all the time.  (I also used to drink a LOT). I really have to work on this over the warmer months.  I need to be getting out more and engaging other people.

I’ve gotten several messages asking if I am stopping blogging.  People have become used to my regular blog posts and when I don’t post for a few days they get concerned.  I’ve been bummed out lately, and not wanting to write and also not wishing to talk about what’s been going on in my little life.  I feel so small; so little in this world. Like I don’t really matter much to anyone and that hurts sometimes, it hurts really badly.  And there is no one to dry my tears.

I know many people go this life alone.  I’ve been going it alone for several years now, since I left my ex-wife. And it’s not that I want to be on my own in the world forever.  What I want is someone who sees a future with me; that wants to be part of my every day at some point in time. I want someone to hold me at night, to be there when I wake up days and to come home to dinner with. I want to cook, and laugh and watch movies about stupid things.  I want a partner in life.  Or at least someone who can see that future with me in it.  I know things don’t happen instantly, but with some work and some foresight big things and changes can make all the difference.

I don’t know that I know how to find that person who will love me again. Like someone who will care what I am thinking, and really care about how I feel as well as allowing me to care for them at the same time.  Someone I can make a solid connection with and rely on.  I can’t tolerate someone who doesn’t believe me when I tell them the truth, or who inserts her own fears into my words and negates my feelings totally. I am a very honest and loyal person, and I’m worth the effort.

On another note.  I am having to deal with some big health issues right now. The stress from those is really bad.  I try not to think about them, but it’s hard when it’s your life you are dicking with.  I’m about to undergo another liver biopsy and begin treatment for the hep C virus.  The new treatment has been quite successful, but it’s not a cake walk by any means.  It will be far easier on me than the old treatment of alpha-interferon injections, which I have refused for years.  I have decided that eliminating the risks of the hep C from my body would be the best move right now. That will give my immune system one less thing to worry about, and me one less worry as well.

The biopsy procedure is not pleasant, they basically half-assed knock me out, keeping me awake enough so that I will cooperated with them as necessary.  Then they poke two holes in my upper abdomen and do the biopsy, the feeling is like being kicked in the gut really hard.  The bruising lasts 3-4 days and I am generally back to normal.  The part that is scary is the going in alone every time.  And they always have a hard time hitting a vein in my arms, which is never pleasant to experience someone poking around looking for an elusive vein to get the sleeping juice into. This should happen in the next two weeks or so, and then the treatment is 6 months in length.   Oy vey.

That’s it for today.  ~MB