Disappear

Sometimes I just wish I could disappear. I feel like I can’t do anything right.  My temper isn’t geared to taking being beaten down again and again with the same words.  I will retaliate; lash out with my own vindictive words.  I will aim to hurt if I am being hurt, believe me.  And I come from a place where I call it like I see it.  If someone wants to act like a bitch to me then I will call them a bitch.  Words and actions take on a lot of weight with me, say what you mean.  And if you mean that you don’t wish to talk to me then just say it, don’t make it look like I am the bad guy somehow.

I live a very solitary life.  Hell, I am even somewhat of a hermit.  I stay to myself.  I don’t socialize very much, out of shyness and fear mostly.  When I do it’s very short and purpose driven; I go to family parties out of obligation mostly.  I don’t know how I really got to this point, as I used to be super social and go out all the time.  (I also used to drink a LOT). I really have to work on this over the warmer months.  I need to be getting out more and engaging other people.

I’ve gotten several messages asking if I am stopping blogging.  People have become used to my regular blog posts and when I don’t post for a few days they get concerned.  I’ve been bummed out lately, and not wanting to write and also not wishing to talk about what’s been going on in my little life.  I feel so small; so little in this world. Like I don’t really matter much to anyone and that hurts sometimes, it hurts really badly.  And there is no one to dry my tears.

I know many people go this life alone.  I’ve been going it alone for several years now, since I left my ex-wife. And it’s not that I want to be on my own in the world forever.  What I want is someone who sees a future with me; that wants to be part of my every day at some point in time. I want someone to hold me at night, to be there when I wake up days and to come home to dinner with. I want to cook, and laugh and watch movies about stupid things.  I want a partner in life.  Or at least someone who can see that future with me in it.  I know things don’t happen instantly, but with some work and some foresight big things and changes can make all the difference.

I don’t know that I know how to find that person who will love me again. Like someone who will care what I am thinking, and really care about how I feel as well as allowing me to care for them at the same time.  Someone I can make a solid connection with and rely on.  I can’t tolerate someone who doesn’t believe me when I tell them the truth, or who inserts her own fears into my words and negates my feelings totally. I am a very honest and loyal person, and I’m worth the effort.

On another note.  I am having to deal with some big health issues right now. The stress from those is really bad.  I try not to think about them, but it’s hard when it’s your life you are dicking with.  I’m about to undergo another liver biopsy and begin treatment for the hep C virus.  The new treatment has been quite successful, but it’s not a cake walk by any means.  It will be far easier on me than the old treatment of alpha-interferon injections, which I have refused for years.  I have decided that eliminating the risks of the hep C from my body would be the best move right now. That will give my immune system one less thing to worry about, and me one less worry as well.

The biopsy procedure is not pleasant, they basically half-assed knock me out, keeping me awake enough so that I will cooperated with them as necessary.  Then they poke two holes in my upper abdomen and do the biopsy, the feeling is like being kicked in the gut really hard.  The bruising lasts 3-4 days and I am generally back to normal.  The part that is scary is the going in alone every time.  And they always have a hard time hitting a vein in my arms, which is never pleasant to experience someone poking around looking for an elusive vein to get the sleeping juice into. This should happen in the next two weeks or so, and then the treatment is 6 months in length.   Oy vey.

That’s it for today.  ~MB

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Author: MainelyButch

I am a pretty relaxed, proud, Butch and a native Mainer who enjoys reading, writing, blogging, vlogging and social interaction. I live in southern Maine, near the coast with my 2 small dogs and I hail from a very large, loving family that is historically rooted here. I write about my life, my experiences, living successfully with HIV, my YouTube experiences, and just about anything that piques my interest. This blog may contain profanity and sexual situations, and is not intended for younger audiences. Read at your own risk. At 54 I see life as just beginning a new chapter, and have decide this is the time that I need to write the stories that got me to this point. I believe we live our lives in chapters, changing, evolving and moving continuously with the times. I love to laugh, have discussions, debates and even the occasional nonsense conversation! I generally enjoy people, but not drama, hatred, ignorance or those who choose to feel they are somehow elite or superior to another simply due to their mere existence. I try to be very conscious of the health of the world around me - environmentally, socially, economically, and ethically. The people who are dear to me know me as having a tough exterior, filled with marshmallow and crunchy peanut butter. I continually strive to be the best I can be, especially to address life head on...always.

7 thoughts on “Disappear”

  1. if I lived closer I would go with you while you had your biopsy, for support and to ease the loneliness, you’re good people , don’t ever forget that my friend

  2. ditto to butchcountry67’s words! i would go with you as well…so know that in spirit, you are not alone MB. we walk with you…and i’d kick some ass to get that elusive vein to behave 😉 hugz

  3. I’m sorry that you have the feeling of being so alone. You’re right, it is shitty when important things come up and you don’t have anyone to rely on. Sometimes you just want to know that someone cares.

  4. The world is a better place because you are in it, Ang. I have no doubt that there are many people like myself who come to your blog and check and re-check youtube for the thousandth time to see you and hear what you have to say. You are sooooo genuine. Yes, you’re funny and yes you smoke too much and yes you say “f…” too may times; but those of us who really DO care about you see this real human being, unvarnished and, well, REAL. You are not false, and gawd do we need more like you. When you kick back and laugh and when you cry because you’re sad, and when Lori was visiting and you two butches were just crazy, it was so good for me to laugh and feel better about the things you just blogged about. You will have so many people with you during the procedure (in spirit), that in material form there would not be enough room in the room. ha Keep going sweetie, you will get through these waters.

  5. I understand having health issues and stressing about treatments. And, being alone when facing your appointments and procedures. I have deep skinny veins that baffle phlebotomists and anesthesiologists alike.
    I worry every day whether I will find a partner willing to join me on my journey. Hold and cuddle me and love me till death we do part.
    Best of luck to you in your operation. Be well! Get better expeditiously.
    🌈💐

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