Emotions, Testosterone, and Friendships

Emotions are difficult to convey via written word sometimes.  It’s difficult when you are having a conversation, only by text or email to convey the feeling of emotion.  But those kinds of conversations can turn emotionally abusive sometimes, when one of the other starts to restrict what is said, withholds information, or plays the “it’s fine” game.  To me “It’s fine” equals, a “screw you, I don’t want to tell you”  I absolutely hate it when someone says to me “it’s fine” when I ask questions and they don’t want to answer me.  Just a pet-peeve of mine.  If your goal is to cause me to be pissed off then tell me that I don’t give a fuck and that it’s “just fine”.  That’ll do it every damned time.  And you can ramp it up a notch by continually trying to tell me that I don’t care…how the hell do you know if I don’t care?  Are you in my head?  No.  People who want to pretend they know what I am thinking just irritate the ever living crap out of me, and are just ignorant or jealous in some way.  You may have your hypothesis, but that is all that it IS…a HYPOTHESIS; nothing more than a guess not even based in fact.  If you would like to know what I feel ASK ME.  I will gladly tell you, and if I don’t care I will tell you that too.

On another note…..I have been conversing with a fellow Butch friend online about the Butch to Trans migration.  This particular friend had started the transition process F to M and was now questioning if she was “truly trans” (her wording).  It seems that for Butches to not want breasts and not want to go through monthly menses that some think this could mean that they are actually Trans; or they “must” be Trans.  We have been discussing how much happier we are without breasts, God I know I am for sure! And just because a Butch chooses to have top surgery does not automatically mean she is Trans.  I know that this is the case for me, I am very happy being a Butch lesbian and have no desire to transition, but I didn’t care for the boobs, and my menses stopped years ago on their own thankfully, without surgery or any assistance.

We also spoke about Testosterone and dosages.  I hear that the higher dosage for transitioning can be difficult in that it can bring on more aggression and anger.  I have not experienced either of those side effects with the lower dose (5 grams Androgel 1%) that I take daily.  My friend explained that she has had the anger and aggression side effects, and they weren’t very pleasant for her or her partner to experience.  I can only imagine how difficult on a partner the transition of a Butch to a man/male identified person, must be.  This friend has taken much of that into account, very lovingly, and knows that her partner prefers her as a sexy Butch woman rather than as male identified.  And hey, let’s face it Butch women ARE sexy!  To me it’s the best of both worlds in many ways.  To me, while I enjoy my masculinity quite much, I am still a woman, a very strong woman, and proud to be that strong, sexy Butch woman.

So, my friend is going to look into stopping full transition, decreasing from full testosterone to a low dose such as what I use.  T has been very good for me as far as keeping my libido up and my energy level in check.  Sex is one important part of human connection, and as we get older we tend to lose libido, so adding a little T to my “diet” was just the ticket for me in boosting my sex drive. I also find that it’s a huge appetite stimulant, when I first started I couldn’t GET enough red meat into my system to satisfy the cravings.

Perhaps all of this leads some of us to be developing our own Butch 2.0 models….chest surgery, low dose T, and hystos for some.  In today’s modern medical world we can have and do things that we formerly only dreamed of.  I know that personally I feel much better about my body and myself post surgery and with the low dose T than I ever did before.  I am finally comfortable and not all body-dysphoric as I once had been.  I only wish I had done it years ago, but am glad that I waited because the surgery is so much better today than it was even 10 years ago.

And on another note….I get along really well with most people, male and female.  I am a friendly sort, and I tend to make people comfortable.  I have never had issues with getting along, making friends, and even with diffusing volatile situations.  I tend to care a lot about my friends, and I treat them with respect and honor.  I always try to take other people’s feelings and emotions about things into consideration.  I expect people to do the same for me in return.  Never expect something from someone unless you are willing to do exactly that same very thing for them.  If you expect them to be there for you 24/7 then you must offer that same availability.  And if you want them to care deeply about you, you must let them know that you also care deeply for them.  The road goes BOTH ways.  In friendships, in relationships, in all interactions.  You give a little and you get a little…if you give a lot, you get a lot in return.  Sometimes I have to be cautious, because I will give a lot and then not get anything in return….this can lead to emotional upset, and reactions that aren’t very productive.

I have had friends in the past that I have had to cut contact with because they were toxic to me.  They put more poison into my life than anything else. Or they took advantage of my good nature and giving nature, yet could not reciprocate.  I can be a very loyal and valuable friend, but I do expect reciprocation of that loyalty and value.


2 thoughts on “Emotions, Testosterone, and Friendships

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  1. when I was much younger 20 odd years ago, I had thought that I may just be trans myself, I went into transition with both guns a blazing, I had both top surgery and a hysto, and was on the transition needles of testosterone, talk about rapid changes, not just physically but emotionally as well, I had serious anger issues, it took me a few years to figure out it was the testosterone, still did not excuse my behavior, I took a couple anger management courses as well as kept up my therapy, I always held off on actual genital reconstruction, my reasoning was no matter what they did down there it would never quite look natural, the surgeons are good but not miracle workers, about 12 years ago I came to the conclusion that hey maybe I am not 100% trans after all and decided that for sure I didn’t want further surgeries, I had hit my happy place, I had my T dosage lowered drastically , and now just take a slightly higher dose than you, my anger has been under control for years now, there are lasting side effects from being on the transition dose for such a long period of time, enlarged genitilia, facial and body hair, my voice is deeper, ( I think I sound like I’ve been inhaling helium when I hear my own voice)lol and a few other physical changes, these are permanent , but I am happy. I do pass as a guy and I think I only have 1 friend in the village that I live in that knows that I am not a bio man, it’s not something I generally advertise, I just let people view me as however their brains perceive me, my wife was happy when I stopped the transition, our son thinks it’s way cool to be able to bend the gender lines, and I just grin and silently laugh inside when I get called sir or man , as I always joke with my family… I am like a coffee creamer… half and half lol from the waist up, I’m all man, from the waist down I’m all woman , and I am okay with that, I am right where I need to be.

  2. I am open to being somewhere in the middle and pushing the limit on what being butch means (i.e. gender not just sexual identity). I also thing of transition as a process, not as a binary destination.

    I have my own anger issues – from childhood – from suppressing and or repressing my feelings. I don’t think I want to throw T into the mix until I think I’ve got it more worked out. I haven’t read any evidence about anger and low-dose T, only high-dose – it is just my choice to put it off either temporarily or permanently.

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