Gone

So Poof

And you are gone

As quick

As you once appeared

To twist

My mind up  tight

To play

with my emotions and heart

Just Poof….gone

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Connection

I’m feeling a lot better today, feels like a big weight has been taken off my shoulders.  I just can’t be responsible for other peoples’ feelings, and they don’t know mine without being in my head.  When someone assumes that they “know” what I am thinking it just pisses me off to no end, and makes them look like an idiot for thinking they are a mind reader.

Let’s talk about emotional connections.  One of the deepest connections we can make to another human is on an emotional level.  When we get involved in long distance relationships it’s generally the investment that we make; and emotional one.  The very basis of the situation becomes emotion and thought process.  I’m guilty of this, I have found myself far too emotionally involved and invested in a person than I should have been, in a long distance situation.  Then I found out that other people were involved, giving advice about “me” and I don’t even know them!  You cannot combat or defend yourself from the irrational and unfounded fears of other people, and they will come up with all kinds of stupid shit about you –even though they have no idea who you are or what you are about — to feed to someone about you.  Plus, that is stupid high school / college child’s play.  Keeping a relationship between the two parties involved is a very important and mature thing to do.  I personally do not share my romantic issues with my friends or family…it’s none of their business, and they do not “know” the person, so how can they ever give me good advice about that person?  I’d rather trust my own senses and intuition; I’m an adult, I can do that myself.

If you are in a friendship or relationship with someone far away you have to learn that there are limits.  You can’t be there to look someone in the eyes, and tell them how you feel.  You depend on the spoken and written word to convey this and you better be good with those words, cuz it’s all you have really got.

Sure, in today’s world we have Skype, which is awesome if it’s used consistently.  It’s much better than texting or emailing by far.  I would rather have someone have the guts to face me on camera and talk to me in real time than to try to have harder conversations with me via text or email…which is just a cop out.  And if someone is Skyping you constantly and then quits…watch out, it’s never good…and generally signals the end is coming soon, as they are afraid to face you.

Maturity..this is important because dealing with someone who doesn’t have mature emotional structure is a bitch.  Make sure you are on and equivalent mental playing field.  And that you understand where your place is; where you stand.  I always like to know where I stand, what the real deal is and I need someone mature enough to be able to know that for themselves — without the input of outside influences — but to know what is in their own heart and mind.  Someone mature enough to make their own choices and decisions is refreshing.

Make sure the person you are falling for has fallen for themselves.  If a person is down on herself, cuts herself down constantly and belittles herself, then she’s probably very insecure and looking to be boosted up by someone else.  A person has to learn to really love themselves before they can ever really love another person, or be loved by another person.  Sometimes it’s just the “idea” that that other person loves them that they fall for; what they think that person can be or could be if with them.

Terms are important.  Being “just friends” generally imparts that each will be dating other people. Being put in the “friends” box means just that, you are friends.  Friends have different interests, and separate lives.  Friends will encourage each other to find happiness, and if that means dating someone else, then so be it.  If you want more than that say it loud.  Make sure you have matching expectations of the relationship, or friendship.

People have lives wherever they live in the world.  Sometimes those lives interrupt.  Sometimes we meet people in our daily lives that seem to fill that need in us that we somehow think they can fill.  Sometimes those people are there for a moment in time, then gone.  Just because she’s there today doesn’t mean she’ll be there tomorrow, anything can happen — and will happen.  Change, it is the only constant in life. Get used to it.  Learn how to navigate change without fear.

I adapt to change fairly well.  But some do not.  I like a mature woman who knows what she wants and is willing to do the work to get it.  Sometimes it’s not all roses, there are thorns especially when dealing with a Butch, but love is worth a little blood, sweat and tears I do believe.  Nothing is perfect, never will be, but we can make it as good as we can and we can be happy if we let ourselves; if we let go of the fear and unnecessary worry.

You can change your clothes, change your hair, change your friends, but you can’t change who YOU ARE.   And when you find someone who loves you for exactly who you are, without trying to change you or tell you you are doing it wrong, then you are very lucky indeed.

Weary…

Are there any women left out in the world that are single and aren’t a total disaster???  I really have to wonder.  I have had my fill of trying to figure out a single woman lately.  And when you say we are “just friends” I AM going to be dating other women, you can bet your sweet ass I am.  That throws me into the “single and looking” catagory for sure.  And I want to be happy and satisfied dammit, l deserve that.  I am worth that.  And I put value in those who value me.  But they have to also believe me, I hate it when someone “thinks” they know what I am thinking, and tries to put words in my mouth.  If you have a preconceived notion of how you want to see things, then be big enough to just say it.  If someone doesn’t want to pursue anything other than a basic friendship with me, then don’t come to me with overtures that say otherwise.

I’m weary of being single.  It’s not such a bad life, don’t get me wrong, but I would like to be dating someone.  I have tried to do the long distance thing, but it hasn’t worked very well.  I have a couple of women that I have been texting and talking with, they seem to be genuinely interested in talking to me and getting to know me better. I need to be paying more attention to them and less to those who just make themselves unavailable and unattainable.  I’m far better than that bullshit.  And I know it.  Call me vain, I don’t give a shit, but I seriously believe it’s their loss.

I’ve been sitting the side lines for 4 1/2 months…no more.  No more.  I’m back in the game baby.  I’ve waited around long enough.  I’m not getting any younger or any happier being stuck in this sort of limbo space…

Blizzard…

Another blizzard here in Maine…another umpteen inches of snow and no where to put it all.  We’ve gotten nine feet of snow in the last 3 weeks…it’s just an anomaly; this doesn’t usually happen here.  Along the coast we usually have more mild winters than they do in the mountains a couple of hours away.  Even just 11 miles in from my parents place which is closer to the beach, we got only say 8″ of new snow and they got almost 21″ of it.  The winds are howling now, this is the worst part, the drifting light fluffy snow combined with the 35 mph plus winds, makes it very uncomfortable out there.

It’s Sunday, I am watching the PBR Pro-Bull Riding 15/15 match, the top 15 riders and the top 15 bulls in the world.  Very cool and great rides!!  I’ve been a bull riding fan for a long time, I even got to go to PBR’s 7th round in Las Vegas a few years back, it was insane!  Best time ever.

Valentines day came and went without notice around here.  I did get some chocolates, Victoria’s Secret truffles even…yum.  But basically I spent the day alone.  I’m a loser, because I didn’t have to stay home alone…but I did.  It wasn’t the kind of day I really wanted to see anyone anyway.  I was better off to hang out here and just chill for the day.  It wasn’t a big deal day for me.  Just another Saturday in February to me.

Chivalry is Not Dead

I got to thinking about how the OFOS (old fashioned/old school) Butches/Studs, and the “older” Butches are known more for their chivalry and Butch manners it seems.  These days we hear the horror stories of the younger crowd not having that same old fashioned/old school kind of chivalry and romantic manners.  I wish we had a mentoring program for young Butches, perhaps then these younger Femmes wouldn’t be so attracted to the older Butch personas and be more attracted to those of their own age.

I hear from many Femmes “”…I think what they are trying to say is that they like the old school rules and ways.  Some of which I am about to talk about here.  Be advised, these are just rules/suggestions/ideas that I have found useful in my life when interacting with women.  I am also presenting this from the dynamic of Butch-Femme relationships, this may not apply if you are a radical feminist and are offended by some of the old school thinking.  I love old school, and I will admit I am a bit old fashioned and wish to treat my girl like a princess.

Chivalry is not dead, it just needs a little boost and our attention

Remember your manners:  Open doors and pull out chairs.  Femmes love a Butch with good manners.  Opening the door for your Femme is the most basic act of chivalry, especially if it’s a woman that you are courting.  Just because a woman can open her own door doesn’t mean that we should stop doing this basic thing for her.  She will appreciate the gesture and will notice that you are of good manners and you will please her, making her feel special.  There was a time in history when women did not touch the handles of doors, when it was customary for the masculine (read: Butch) to perform this simple task for her.  Same goes with pulling out her chair for her to sit, it will make her heart flutter, and you will win her approval.

Dress the part.  Femmes spend much time on choosing clothing and outfits for dates with us.  They are concerned tht they look their best, and that you are pleased.  Do the same for your Femme and she’ll be pleased in return.  A well dressed, put together Butch is much more appealing than the Saturday afternoon after-the-ball game look of rumpled sweatshirt and backwards baseball caps. And for God’s sake pull your pants up.  No slouchy pants…unless you are 21 and don’t know any better…if that’s the case this article should be read and memorized by you….younger Butches need help in these areas.

Court her.  We talk alot about “dating” and “hooking up” nowadays.  It’s fine to ask her out on a “date” but remember to actually “court” your girl.  Compliment her, look her in the eyes when she talks, and remember she is your guest.  Back in the 50s there were so many levels to the dating game. Nowadays, guys just text back and forth and then one day you get “hang out” or “watch a movie” text. And that pretty much sums up the dating process. Maybe you don’t have to go so far as the Duggar’s (waiting to hold hands), but maybe there should be some levels to this stuff. Maybe you should take the time to treat her like a lady.

Pay for the meal.  If you ask her out on a dinner date it should be assumed that you will be paying for the whole meal, yours and hers.  In today’s economic world we seem to think that going “Dutch” is okay, but in the old school ways it is not.  You requested the privilege of her company, be a gentleButch and pick up the tab.  Same goes for the movie you invited her to accompany you to, and for any other activity that you plan.  Unless there is some prior discussion of who pays for what between you (oh how uncomfortable that would be for any self-respecting Butch) then you should be prepared to treat her to a good time, and smile while you are doing it.

Ask permission.  This is a big one for me.  Assumptions will make an ass out of you and me.  Remember that.  Asking her permission for that kiss will leave her with a great impression of you afterwards.  You’re ending your first date and you just assume that you’ll lip-lock her and she may not want that kind of immediate intimacy.  Avoid the awkwardness of a bad kiss, ask her “may I have the pleasure of a good night kiss?”  She will swoon.  This goes a long way in building on a relationship too.  Treating your lady with respect will get you much respect and love in return.

**I am one who will ask for what I want.  If I want her to be my girlfriend I don’t just assume that after 3 dates we are a couple, I ask her where we are at, and if she would like to see me exclusively (in a monogamous situation, I speak from).  I remember asking my ex, after we were dating for several weeks and I had fallen for her my words were not the most eloquent, but she never forgot “Will you be my permanent girlfriend forever?”  She even recalled those words on our wedding day…years later.  

There are lots of other things you should think about in honing your Butch skills.  Being a good Butch isn’t just about looking good and being good in the sack, just about anyone can do that. Being a good Butch means you understand how to treat a lady with affection, respect, and admiration.  It means you know your manners, know your place and are confident in your actions and reactions.

Other things that I have found helpful are things like….

Standing when she leaves -or arrives – at the table or enters the room….again, manners boiz.

Watch your language.  We tend to be a bit foul mouthed when it’s just a group of Butches/Studs but when Femmes are present we should be a bit more careful. My favorite word may be fuck, but she doesn’t need to hear that kind of language, have some respect.  Most Femmes don’t like the sailor talk.

Be creative, surprise her.  It’s the little things that count.  The note on her windshield that you left as you passed by her place of employment and thought of her.  Cleaning the snow off of her car and warming it up before she leaves.  Flowers for no reason.

Plan your dates.  Femmes like the Butch to take the lead in this situation. They want us to be creative and to have a good time with us.  Whether it’s a great night out on the town or a quiet evening chilling at your place.  have some idea of how the night will go, and make arrangements to have it organized.  Being prepared.  Maybe buy your movie tickets in advance so you two don’t have to wait in line.  Know the restraunt where you will eat, so you know that the food is good in advance.  If you are having a chill at my place date, make sure you have plenty of her favorite beverages, good snacks (know what she likes, or ask!), let her pick the movie (yes, you will probably not be watching American Sniper, but you’ll get to cuddle…where are your priorities? )  I have found that women love it when I have the date planned out and an evening is fun and goes off smoothly…

So anyway, these are some of the things I would teach a younger Butch about how to be the best Butch you can be.  And sometimes even I need a reminder…especially after not really dating much as of late.  I have to remind myself to tone down my language, and to remember my manners.  It’s easy to slip into being lazy about things if you are a bachelor Butch.  And when we hang out with our Butch buddies it’s far different…at least in my world it is.  We’re much more vocal, and much more vulgar for some reason.  Then when I am with a Femme I become shy, quieter and I seriously try to tone down my choice of words.

 

Growing up I didn’t have the luxury of the internet or social media to sort of help guide me on things when I had questions.  I emulated my father, who is a stand up guy, and is a great role model for how to treat a lady right.  He still treats my Mom so very well after 54 years of marriage!   But there were times that I wish I had other Butch people around me so that I knew how to approach things, I think younger LGBTQ people are very lucky today to have the outlets to media that we have.  It’s got to help guide those who don’t have other LGBTQ people around in their lives on a daily basis.  I know that living in southern Maine, away from the cities and away from LGBTQ venues like bars and recreation centers that it’s harder to connect with like minded people.  I have to search when I have questions…the internet has become a crucial link to many of us in these situations…

So what would you make sure your younger Butch comrades knew if you had to teach one?  And Femmes, am I somewhere near right on these things?  What would you add?

Peace!  ~MainelyButch

A little poem I wrote…

I approach

You Shy Away

I advance

You shy again

Come to me

I don’t hurt

I want this

So do you

I lean in

You back away

Just how long

Til you will

want to fall

into me

Your soft skin

pressed against me

Feel your breath

upon my neck

you get closer

And back away

What to do

So you will

Stay

Serial Monogamy, Sex, and Testosterone

I’m feeling kind of wild and frisky tonight….not sure what to write about so I’ll write about a couple of thing that have been on my mind or that I’ve been reading about lately.

Serial Monogamy…yeah that’s sort of been my relationship style, if you call it a style.  I am a loyal and committed son of a Bitch for sure. Plus it’s just too difficult to juggle too many people for me.  I would rather see one person than do a lot of dating around, and by that I don’t mean sleeping around, I’ve got more couth than that and more self respect.  It takes a certain kind of woman to get me into bed, to get me into desiring her body in that way where I have so have to satisfy my hunger for sex.

I mean can we talk here?  There’s a difference in my life between fucking and making love…I happen to really enjoy both.  and I like a partner who can roll both ways with me.  Fucking is far more primal and instinctual with me, it’s something that I just have to have, fast and furious, hard and long.  Making love is a much slower process and intense in it’s own way.

I don’t talk about sex much in this blog…but Kink Praxis blog (XanWest) did a blog piece called “I Talk A Lot but Not About That”  on how us Butch tops don’t talk much about our own needs and wants as far as sex goes.  And they are right!  We don’t talk about it, but are much more concerned with the bottom’s needs, wants and feelings…that’s what we want to talk about, no our own feelings and needs. Xan says something to the effect that the top does and the bottom feels...seems to work for me perfectly.   We seem to have some unwritten law about discussing such things, am I right?  Our needs and wants seem obvious to us, we need and want our partners to be satisfied and we have a hell of a time enjoying that ourselves.

One of my Fetlife friends started conversation about Stone Butch sexuality and the way it’s easier for them to date Stone Femmes…I have to say I nodded wholeheartedly on this one.  It IS easier for me to date a Stone Femme because then I don’t have to go through the explanation that often you do with those who don’t get the Stone identity part, I don’t have to be uncomfortable and I feel much more understood by a Stone Femme, in ways that not all can really understand me.  Man, you gotta love the Butch – Femme dynamic, it never leaves us without something to discuss and haggle over.

Let’s talk about testosterone….I take a low dose T for two reasons, it boosts my energy level and it boosts my sex drive.  I am 53 and I needed a little T to make things better and to make sense in my life.  I’m not on a transitioning dose and am not transitioning. Other than some extra body hair growth the T has done just what the doctor ordered for me.

Vulnerable Verbiage wrote an interesting blog on her opinion on Testosterone…here’s the link…Grips from Society and it’s her personal study into whether we are allowing HRT and T therapies too quickly with people. It’s an interesting read and I do agree with some parts of her writing on the subject.  She wanders into thoughts about a gender neutral world…where it would be more normal just to be a good person than to have to pick a specific gender

So there’s what’s on my mind tonight…T and sex…pretty typical actually.  I don’t think I am the only one who thinks about sex on a daily basis, I ‘m just brave and crazy enough to admit it.

I am going to see 50 Shades on Saturday night….and I want to come home and re-enact the whole film…damn….