Tattered

I just want to be me and be fairly contented with this life.  I cannot live up to someone else’s expectations; cannot possibly be someone that I am not.  My skin and mind are thick with scars of past wars; past loves, both victories and defeats. Each leaves a scar; a mark, or a brand.

I’m marked myself by being too lenient, too accommodating and too available to some.  I would try to please them, but nothing was ever good enough, which just left me spent upon the cold floor of reality, naked and ashamed.  I gave too much in those instances.

I’ve been scarred by the egos of those who think they are so much better; have so much more and wish to make me feel inferior.  It was my fault for allowing them into my emotional realm; for becoming too attached and for falling in love.  Then having them turn on me, saying my love wasn’t enough, it wasn’t good enough, it wasn’t true….they should live in my heart sometime and hear the screams of agony she lets out when they say good-bye.

I am very patient, and I am very kind.  I realize that I cannot be the center of anyone’s world, that each person has their own life to live and that others are just annoyances to some degree; tell us what to do, who to see, who is good, who is bad and what we should do.  Those people annoy me, yes.  Unless you are running my business or we are married you have no right to tell me what I should or should not be doing with my life, love or otherwise.

When I give my time to you it’s a gift.  I’m a busy person too.  When I can take out time to text or call I will certainly do that.  But when I need radio silence, I expect to be given that space to take care of things.  It’s the same with everyone.

I had my heart a bit tattered up recently.  I never saw it coming, but I did sense when the change started.  Things were so good for so long, we talked, laughed, exchanged photos and videos,  and talked some more.  Then it felt like other people suddenly were twittering at my love from other angles, and it caused our conversations to change fairly drastically.  It made the other person question all they were doing when it came to me.  And these other people…they do not even know me.  But my love had gotten to know me pretty good…I spent a good amount of time making sure of that, and getting to know her as well.   Yet finally in the end I had to come off as a total asshole so she would move on with her life and go be happy.  I didn’t want to do that at all, but I had to lie and make her think I was just a bad decision because I could not — and would not — compete with her inside influences that were right there with her trying to get her to forget me and move her needs over to them.  Fucked up how that works.  I was forced to tell her lies to make her think I was a complete jack ass.  Something I didn’t want to do at all.  But I could feel her waffling there, undecided as to what she should do about her new found possible love interest and her feelings for me.  I personally have been in this situation before, and it never ends well for anyone concerned.   I bit the bullet, and took the fall.  I did it for her.  She was far too confused over what everyone else was feeding her, and less and less trusting of what I would tell her from my heart.  How does one defend themselves in that situation?  You cannot.

I realize that I am not the be all or end all for anyone.  I only have myself to offer, but I can offer a good, kind, responsible and honorable self   All I want is someone to care for me; to value me and to accept my care and value in return.  It’s not a one way street….the feelings have to be allowed to flow in both directions and both parties need to love themselves enough to accept love from another person.

I’m a gentle soul.  I mean no harm to anyone.  I live a very peaceful life, striving to keep learning all the time.  Striving to continually understand myself and the world around me.  I haven’t had it easy, no on has.  Everyone is fighting their own battles in life. I understand this and thus I always try to remember that when I think I’ve got it bad, because I really don’t, there are far more who are far worse off.  But with my gentle ways and my loving soul one day I will be able to make that one person feel very much special and loved in this world.

One day I will face the person who is meant to complete my world.  Wherever she may be today, one day we will be face-to-face, holding hands and knowing that we are doing the right things for the right reasons.  Loving will come easy, not forced or hard to handle.  Our days will flow together, no matter how far apart we may sometimes be, we’ll always have each other’s backs and always be there to scare away the boogie men of life for each other.  We’ll look into one another’s eyes and it will be known that we are right for each other.  Perhaps I have already known this person in my life, and she’ll resurface; perhaps it will be someone I have yet to meet who will come in and make me forget the old scars.

Jealousy is a funny beast.  I realize that those who helped drive me away knew if they could fan those seeds of jealousy that it would work to their advantage — whatever that advantage may be, whether if was just for more of her attention or whatever it was –and it did work.  The sad part is that while I could see what was being done, I had no recourse.  I had no way to fight it, because she chose to let their voices and ideas be louder than my own words to her.  Because of close proximity, they had the advantage.  She could not see my upset, my tears, or hear my cries when things started to go downhill.  I had to bear all of that alone, for days on end, alone.  And yes, I was jealous that I could not see her to make her understand how I feel.  And they certainly didn’t give any thought to how I would feel either.  They had their agendas.  All I had was my love and my true word.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Advertisements

Author: MainelyButch

I am a pretty relaxed, proud, Butch and a native Mainer who enjoys reading, writing, blogging, vlogging and social interaction. I live in southern Maine, near the coast with my 2 small dogs and I hail from a very large, loving family that is historically rooted here. I write about my life, my experiences, living successfully with HIV, my YouTube experiences, and just about anything that piques my interest. This blog may contain profanity and sexual situations, and is not intended for younger audiences. Read at your own risk. At 54 I see life as just beginning a new chapter, and have decide this is the time that I need to write the stories that got me to this point. I believe we live our lives in chapters, changing, evolving and moving continuously with the times. I love to laugh, have discussions, debates and even the occasional nonsense conversation! I generally enjoy people, but not drama, hatred, ignorance or those who choose to feel they are somehow elite or superior to another simply due to their mere existence. I try to be very conscious of the health of the world around me - environmentally, socially, economically, and ethically. The people who are dear to me know me as having a tough exterior, filled with marshmallow and crunchy peanut butter. I continually strive to be the best I can be, especially to address life head on...always.

3 thoughts on “Tattered”

  1. Always remain true to yourself, never change to please others, never give up the search for when you least expect it, you will find it.:)

  2. Don’t dwell on lost love and what wasn’t meant to be. You are a strong woman who has loads of love and compassion to give “the one” when she enters your life.
    Live your life with confidence as a strong butch and not constantly waiting for “the one”.
    Don’t spend time thinking about people that give false hope on relationships. They’re not worth it.
    Keep strong my friend

    Red

Leave Your Feedback!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s