I got to thinking about how the OFOS (old fashioned/old school) Butches/Studs, and the “older” Butches are known more for their chivalry and Butch manners it seems. These days we hear the horror stories of the younger crowd not having that same old fashioned/old school kind of chivalry and romantic manners. I wish we had a mentoring program for young Butches, perhaps then these younger Femmes wouldn’t be so attracted to the older Butch personas and be more attracted to those of their own age.
I hear from many Femmes “”…I think what they are trying to say is that they like the old school rules and ways. Some of which I am about to talk about here. Be advised, these are just rules/suggestions/ideas that I have found useful in my life when interacting with women. I am also presenting this from the dynamic of Butch-Femme relationships, this may not apply if you are a radical feminist and are offended by some of the old school thinking. I love old school, and I will admit I am a bit old fashioned and wish to treat my girl like a princess.
Chivalry is not dead, it just needs a little boost and our attention
Remember your manners: Open doors and pull out chairs. Femmes love a Butch with good manners. Opening the door for your Femme is the most basic act of chivalry, especially if it’s a woman that you are courting. Just because a woman can open her own door doesn’t mean that we should stop doing this basic thing for her. She will appreciate the gesture and will notice that you are of good manners and you will please her, making her feel special. There was a time in history when women did not touch the handles of doors, when it was customary for the masculine (read: Butch) to perform this simple task for her. Same goes with pulling out her chair for her to sit, it will make her heart flutter, and you will win her approval.
Dress the part. Femmes spend much time on choosing clothing and outfits for dates with us. They are concerned tht they look their best, and that you are pleased. Do the same for your Femme and she’ll be pleased in return. A well dressed, put together Butch is much more appealing than the Saturday afternoon after-the-ball game look of rumpled sweatshirt and backwards baseball caps. And for God’s sake pull your pants up. No slouchy pants…unless you are 21 and don’t know any better…if that’s the case this article should be read and memorized by you….younger Butches need help in these areas.
Court her. We talk alot about “dating” and “hooking up” nowadays. It’s fine to ask her out on a “date” but remember to actually “court” your girl. Compliment her, look her in the eyes when she talks, and remember she is your guest. Back in the 50s there were so many levels to the dating game. Nowadays, guys just text back and forth and then one day you get “hang out” or “watch a movie” text. And that pretty much sums up the dating process. Maybe you don’t have to go so far as the Duggar’s (waiting to hold hands), but maybe there should be some levels to this stuff. Maybe you should take the time to treat her like a lady.
Pay for the meal. If you ask her out on a dinner date it should be assumed that you will be paying for the whole meal, yours and hers. In today’s economic world we seem to think that going “Dutch” is okay, but in the old school ways it is not. You requested the privilege of her company, be a gentleButch and pick up the tab. Same goes for the movie you invited her to accompany you to, and for any other activity that you plan. Unless there is some prior discussion of who pays for what between you (oh how uncomfortable that would be for any self-respecting Butch) then you should be prepared to treat her to a good time, and smile while you are doing it.
Ask permission. This is a big one for me. Assumptions will make an ass out of you and me. Remember that. Asking her permission for that kiss will leave her with a great impression of you afterwards. You’re ending your first date and you just assume that you’ll lip-lock her and she may not want that kind of immediate intimacy. Avoid the awkwardness of a bad kiss, ask her “may I have the pleasure of a good night kiss?” She will swoon. This goes a long way in building on a relationship too. Treating your lady with respect will get you much respect and love in return.
**I am one who will ask for what I want. If I want her to be my girlfriend I don’t just assume that after 3 dates we are a couple, I ask her where we are at, and if she would like to see me exclusively (in a monogamous situation, I speak from). I remember asking my ex, after we were dating for several weeks and I had fallen for her my words were not the most eloquent, but she never forgot “Will you be my permanent girlfriend forever?” She even recalled those words on our wedding day…years later.
There are lots of other things you should think about in honing your Butch skills. Being a good Butch isn’t just about looking good and being good in the sack, just about anyone can do that. Being a good Butch means you understand how to treat a lady with affection, respect, and admiration. It means you know your manners, know your place and are confident in your actions and reactions.
Other things that I have found helpful are things like….
Standing when she leaves -or arrives – at the table or enters the room….again, manners boiz.
Watch your language. We tend to be a bit foul mouthed when it’s just a group of Butches/Studs but when Femmes are present we should be a bit more careful. My favorite word may be fuck, but she doesn’t need to hear that kind of language, have some respect. Most Femmes don’t like the sailor talk.
Be creative, surprise her. It’s the little things that count. The note on her windshield that you left as you passed by her place of employment and thought of her. Cleaning the snow off of her car and warming it up before she leaves. Flowers for no reason.
Plan your dates. Femmes like the Butch to take the lead in this situation. They want us to be creative and to have a good time with us. Whether it’s a great night out on the town or a quiet evening chilling at your place. have some idea of how the night will go, and make arrangements to have it organized. Being prepared. Maybe buy your movie tickets in advance so you two don’t have to wait in line. Know the restraunt where you will eat, so you know that the food is good in advance. If you are having a chill at my place date, make sure you have plenty of her favorite beverages, good snacks (know what she likes, or ask!), let her pick the movie (yes, you will probably not be watching American Sniper, but you’ll get to cuddle…where are your priorities? ) I have found that women love it when I have the date planned out and an evening is fun and goes off smoothly…
So anyway, these are some of the things I would teach a younger Butch about how to be the best Butch you can be. And sometimes even I need a reminder…especially after not really dating much as of late. I have to remind myself to tone down my language, and to remember my manners. It’s easy to slip into being lazy about things if you are a bachelor Butch. And when we hang out with our Butch buddies it’s far different…at least in my world it is. We’re much more vocal, and much more vulgar for some reason. Then when I am with a Femme I become shy, quieter and I seriously try to tone down my choice of words.
Growing up I didn’t have the luxury of the internet or social media to sort of help guide me on things when I had questions. I emulated my father, who is a stand up guy, and is a great role model for how to treat a lady right. He still treats my Mom so very well after 54 years of marriage! But there were times that I wish I had other Butch people around me so that I knew how to approach things, I think younger LGBTQ people are very lucky today to have the outlets to media that we have. It’s got to help guide those who don’t have other LGBTQ people around in their lives on a daily basis. I know that living in southern Maine, away from the cities and away from LGBTQ venues like bars and recreation centers that it’s harder to connect with like minded people. I have to search when I have questions…the internet has become a crucial link to many of us in these situations…
So what would you make sure your younger Butch comrades knew if you had to teach one? And Femmes, am I somewhere near right on these things? What would you add?