February’s End

It’s the last Friday in February, and tomorrow marks the end of the month.  I am home today, cleaning and reorganizing my office room.  In front of me is a wall with the door outside to the back deck area and a large window directly in front of me.  The snow is above the height of the bottom of the window, and the back porch is completely inaccessible because of all of the snow.  I should have been keeping it cleared, it’s the back door to the house and the fire exit.  Oh well.  The snow is glistening, in the sunshine of today.  It’s actually pretty out there, but cold as all get out.

During my cleaning process here I have come across my other computers…one is my old Viao and I just started it up…it’s running the old Windows XP operating system and is slow as hell.  I remember a day when we thought that that was fast!  How spoiled we are by advancing technology.  That computer contains blogs of mine back to 2008…from old sites and old platforms, and quite a bit of unpublished stuff.  I’m not quite sure what to do with it. Some of it is very interesting and could be rewritten and updated.  There are lots of articles I had written as I was contemplating my gender identity and life at that time.  There are old poems, some are pretty darn good!  I wish I had a way to bring them all together somehow.  I suppose I can hook to the internet with that computer and upload some to WordPress, it would be a shame to just lose those volumes of my writing from that time.  It was a time of upheaval in my life, I was on the road alot and travelling quite frequently during that time too.  My tone was much more unsettled than I have come to be now.

The other computer is a brand new Toshiba…I don’t use it because I have such dislike for Windows 8, which it has.  I do need to run the virus scan on it and get it settled.  I’m afraid to not have it because if something happens to this one, but at the same time it’s kind of a waste having it.  So, it’s packed into it’s carrying bag and there if I need it ever.  I hope not, I like this Toshiba with the Windows 7 platform much better.

I was seriously considering going to see the movie 50 Shades of Gray tonight.  I think I will probably do just that, by myself.  It’s not the kind of movie that I have anyone I around who would be interested in going with me.  But it is a movie that I do want to see, and I have yet to get around to going.  Someone told me about it, that it’s another Hollywood attempt to mainstream something…which I find interesting.  I’ve never been into hardcore BDSM, and I don’t even think that this movie is about “hardcore” stuff, but a little bit of kink never hurt anyone, and I don’t think that most of the world is as vanilla as it’s thought to be.  Humans are adventurous by nature.  It should be interesting, I’ll definitely write about my experience in viewing it.  Stay tuned.

I will be happy when this month is over and we head into the early Spring months…it’s been very long haul with all this snow and bitter cold here.  I know I’m not the only one with seasonal depression, topped with cabin fever!  It’s also easy at this time of year to get lazy socially, to not go out as much because of the cold and coping with de-thawing the car every time you want to go somewhere. I am looking forward to being able to take Nola to the park to run and play, to walking in grass and to be wearing lighter weight boots and clothing.  I can’t wait to be able to mow the lawn and to see the flowers coming up in the gardens again.  I think about evening around the bonfire pit, with a nice hot fire burning, sipping Twisted Tea and listening to the peepers singing.  Yes, all those things to look forward to and warmer temperatures too.  March usually comes in like a lion, but it will warm up over the month, and hopefully go out like a lamb…as the saying goes.

I think I am going to set up and do a Youtube video tonight.  I haven’t been doing them as regularly as I once did, and I need to update my viewers on there.  I think I go through some shy periods of time with different venues.  Once when Youtube was all the rage with non-professional bloggers, and we could actually have conversations on there it was much more fun to do.  Now there are so many professionally produced videos and it’s just not the same; the community that was once there is no longer using the venue as they once did.  But still, I have an active channel and should update for 2015 – my 6th year on Youtube!  eeek!

I am once again on the job hunt.  With Spring coming I want to be back to work both for the socialization and for the income.  I’ve been applying at auto parts supply houses and hope to get a service writer job at one of them.  I had worked in the automotive world years ago, and would like to find a position in service writing or customer service end of a parts warehouse or car care center.  Doing the online applications really is crazy though, my browser messes alot of them up and I end up having to redo them in Internet Explorer.  (I normally use Chrome).

I guess that’s it for this blog entry…I hope you are all doing well and staying warm out there!

Share Your World #3 & #4

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

One would think that the answer to this question would evoke the name of some famous – or infamous – person, but it doesn’t for me.  For me it would be someone special that I would want as a dinner guest; someone who I wish to see but don’t have the opportunity.  I would cook up some nice steamed lobsters, and all the fixins of a nice New England dinner.

When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

I don’t sing…except stupid little off-key songs to my dog.  I make them up, with the dog as the star of the song. I know it sounds foolish, and it is, but it’s just something i have always done with my dogs.

If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

If I could wake up with a new quality or ability I would want the ability to be a better writer.  I work on this quite often and I do hope that each day I do wake up just a fraction better than the day before.  As for qualities, I want to be the best I can be as a person, loving, kind, gentle and patient, again, each day I try to be a little better than that day before.

What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

I have a rather dry sense of humor.  I don’t care for sexist or sex jokes, I find them just uncalled for and vulgar for the most part.  I try to ignore people who laugh at them, if I ‘m not laughing I don’t find it funny.  I believe that there are many things that are too serious to be joked about, such as bigotry, intolerance, prejudice, homophobia and that list goes on.

Where did you live at age five?  Is it the same place or town you live now?

At age 5 my family had moved up to New York for a while, where I went to school for 1st and 2nd grade.  We did move back here to near where I live now.  I am a Mainer, rooted deeply and will most likely always be connected to this place whether I stay here or not in the future, this will always be my home.

You are invited to a party that will be attended by many fascinating people you never met.  Would you attend this party if you were to go by yourself?

Yes, I would.  I’d put on my best suit and go.  I enjoy meeting interesting people, and while I can be shy I would give it my best attempt to be cordial and polite and to meet as many of the fascinating people as I could.

Did you grow up in a small or big town? Did you like it?

I grew up in a very small town on the coast of Maine.  I did like it pretty good.  Everyone pretty much knows everyone and there’s a sense of belonging and home here.  It’s a country town, so I never got the hang of the city until I was much older and lived in the DC area for a while.  Cities aren’t for me, I like my small town, country atmosphere living much better.

As a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I always wanted to study archaeology or anthropology.  History interests me and so does the study of people.

You Don’t Know Me

I started to write this post yesterday, got a page done on it and LOST it.  I wanted to put out there, for those who read me but don’t actually know me at all, it seems there’s a thought that I am a player and being quite promiscuous.  I would like to clarify this right now.  I am a very picky Butch.  I don’t just date or engage with anyone.  I have not been seeing anyone here since early last fall, and that didn’t work out, even though I do think it very well could have, it did not.

I have a few friends who text me.  And I have just one woman that I am quite taken with that I talk to everyday, but it’s complicated.  Being involved with me is complicated in general.  I am set in my ways, very used to having things my way, and I have chronic health issues that I deal with, that can complicate romantic relationships.  Not to even mention that there is no one around here that understands me as a Stone Butch, or no one I have met up to date.  It’s not like I live near a city that has a huge LGBTQ crowd, or area.  There are no gay clubs here, and I am too damned old to be clubbing anyway!  Most of my interaction with the LGBTQ community is done online, reading other blogs and by computer interaction.

I am at a point in my life where I would like to settle in to a relationship again; to have a life-partner to share life with on a regular basis.  I am patient.  I will take my time and make sure that I am connecting with someone who will be good for me and I will be good for them.  It’s a delicate balance in the end.  We both must be getting something we need from the relationship for it to work out well.

When someone takes the time and makes the effort to get to know me they see that I am a gentle soul, and that I am a very loyal person.  I’ve got a sarcastic sense of humor, I like to use humor to cope with life quite often.  If I can’t laugh at myself and my world sometimes it would be pretty boring.  I can also be very serious, and somethings I do take very seriously, because that’s the way they are meant to be handled.  My personal life I do take very seriously.  And I take my privacy of that seriously as well.

I live a very quiet life here in southern Maine.  I don’t do the bar scene at all.  I don’t drink. I don’t do heavy drugs. I enjoy quiet nights at home.  I have my dog and my house and truck to take care of, and that’s basically what I do.  I keep busy, I write a lot — more than what you see here on this blog, but much of that is kept private.  My online persona may come off as mean sometimes, but that’s because I am blunt.  I tell it like I see it.  And I pull no punches.  If you don’t want the truth from me, then don’t ask.  I realize that I am also fairly opinionated, and I am old school, so my thought processes may not always mesh with those of my readers.  Diversity is good.

Yes, I’ve been around the relationship block a time or two, having had a couple of very long term successful relationships with women who have even remained friends to this day.  I don’t like to make enemies, and there is no use in burning perfectly good bridges or severing connections that may prove useful again one day.  I don’t see anything wrong with staying on good terms with ex’s…at one time they were people who were the closest to me, they know me well, and I them.

So it’s colder than the south pole here in Maine right now.  Woke up to -11 F this morning, with wind chills bringing it to the -25F mark.  I am so anxious for Spring it’s not even funny.  I can’t take much more of this bitter, driving cold that goes right to the bone.  And now I am about to go out and warm up my truck so I can go do some errands….brrrr.

Share Your World, #1 and #2

How do you get rid of pesky phone calls from telemarketers?

I personally just hang up after saying , no thanks.

What are you a “natural” at doing?

I’m a natural sarcastic comic sometimes, I can get myself in trouble with this one on occasion.  I’m also a natural at making things, I get ideas and make stuff just for fun.  I’m someone who can figure out things, fix things and repurpose items giving them new life and purpose.

How often do you get a haircut? 

Ah, a favorite activity of mine!  I am one who goes to the barbershop (never a “salon”) every 3-4 weeks and gets my hair trimmed back to the #3 on top, #1.5 on the sides and back and a nice crisp edging with a straight razor.  Haircuts make me a very happy Butch!

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “fun”?   

Fun would be no snow on the ground, being able to work outside without freezing to death or moving mounds of snow.  Fun would also be bass fishing on a nice Spring day, camping in July and kayaking the Saco river for a day.

Are you a hugger or a non-hugger?

I am sort of inbetween on this one.  I will hug when I am in the mood.  People invading my space to hug me without warning sort of makes me recoil.  If I am with someone I am very affectionate about I can certainly be a serious hugger/snuggler.

What’s your favorite ice-cream flavor?

Chocolate, in a sugar cone…my ultimate

Do you prefer exercising your mind or your body? How frequently do you do either?

I prefer exercising my mind, and I do it daily.  I read, study and try to learn new things every day.  I am a news junkie.  I follow world events as well as the insanity that goes on here in America alone.  Body exercise…not so much, it’s something I should be doing a lot more of, but with winter lock down here it’s tough and I am just not motivated to do much physical exercise right now.

Are you more of a dog person or a cat person? Why?

Definitely a dog person.  I’m sketchy on cats.  Dogs are more loyal and more friendly, as well as much more interactive.  You can own a dog and it will worship you.  Cats own you and don’t give a damn about you.

A Short Bored Ramble…

I want to write tonight, but am not sure what about…so here begins a ramble blog…let’s see where it takes me

I could continue to bitch about winter and snow, but it’s doing no good.  The damned stuff just keeps falling from the sky and piling up in huge hills on the ground.  Navigating town is like driving in a white maze, you drive between the sometimes 10′ high snowbanks, like a mouse in a maze.  Even walking in some areas, you walk between walls of snow over your head on either side of you…yes, folks, it is RIDICULOUS.  I have never seen a winter with this much snow, this fast, and that won’t melt down or get smaller…it’s SO COLD that the snow just stays perectly frozen.  Generally in the past it would warm up a day or two and melt the banks down a bit at a time, nope, not this winter. They’re staying—hell they are GROWING.

I’m sitting at my kitchen table.  My back room office is too cold to use in the dead of winter months.  Although I miraculously found a heat vent in there that is blocked by a bookcase I have on top of it….I never KNEW there WAS a heating vent in that part of the house, so I will work on making that work for next winter for sure.  That room needs a bunch of major attention from me very soon.  I use it as a sort of “catch all” room, and it’s certainly is “catching” shit.  I put everything in there that I don’t want to deal with right now — hell it keeps the rest of the house in decent order! HAHAHA.  Instead of sweeping it under the rug, I just sweep it all into to my spare room.

Every once in a while i will go in there and go insane organizing it.  Then more stuff shows up and it goes to hell again.  Alot of it is resale merchandise from the antique and collectible stuff that I sell in the shops and online.  So some of the stuff turns over weekly, more comes, and some goes.  The idea this spring is to get it down to be able to manage it all from my shed, and have my back room back as a guest room/home office area.  I’m going to put in a day bed and brighten the room up with some fresh paint, some work on the windows to get them operating properly they are crank out windows and need new crank apparatus I think.  Anyway the room will get cleaned out and spruced up this spring again.  It has a nice large back porch off of it too.  Right now there is snow on that porch that reaches the roof of the addition…no fire escape out that door, even if you had to!!!  (that did cross my mind when I noticed that the door was completely snowed in to the very top.  That may make me nervous enough soon that I will get it shoveled off.  It is one of 2 doors on the house, so it’s needed as a good precaution to have it open and accessible as a possible fire escape.

I made a slew of the paracord bracelets over the last few days.  Tying them just gives my hands something to do and my mind can just click away aimlessly.  I’ll put a couple of photos at the bottom here.  I sell these at some of the shops around here, particularly the head shops.  They are well received, nice sturdy bracelets.  Some call them “survival” bracelets because they are made from single strands of 550 Paracord rope, which can be used to assist the wearer in making things necessary to survive in the wild.  Some come with compasses incorporated in them, whistles, fish hooks and wood matches.  I have yet to make one with all those items in them, I do incorporate whistles and can get the compasses and watch faces as well.  I could make metal tags with things like “strength” on them and incorporate those into the cuffs.  I use heavy dury plastic buckles to secure them and I have a great new jig that sizes them perfectly.  I made a rubber stamp today that says “Made in Maine USA” on it and each bracelet has a tag on it that has that on it and the size and color.  If anyone is interested in having one made or likes any of the stock stuff email me.  I can whip up about any custom color combination.  I’ll be doing black cuffs with the rainbow colors in the design probably next trip to the supply store.  I also make some with the 325 Paracord that’s more dainty for ladie’s wrists.  And I make a 1.5″ cuff in a trilobite knot that looks really cool.  I’m also going to start to offer a nice line of watches for Butches that I happened into.

Maine had it’s One Lunger Snowmobile races this last weekend.  It’s a very big sport here. Snowmobiling itself is huge here when the trails are groomed and good. Right now it’s very deep and hard to maneuver some of them.  Crazy people chasing each other around on Crystal Lake!  I bet it was soooome damned cold!!!

002 003 004 001

Tattered

I just want to be me and be fairly contented with this life.  I cannot live up to someone else’s expectations; cannot possibly be someone that I am not.  My skin and mind are thick with scars of past wars; past loves, both victories and defeats. Each leaves a scar; a mark, or a brand.

I’m marked myself by being too lenient, too accommodating and too available to some.  I would try to please them, but nothing was ever good enough, which just left me spent upon the cold floor of reality, naked and ashamed.  I gave too much in those instances.

I’ve been scarred by the egos of those who think they are so much better; have so much more and wish to make me feel inferior.  It was my fault for allowing them into my emotional realm; for becoming too attached and for falling in love.  Then having them turn on me, saying my love wasn’t enough, it wasn’t good enough, it wasn’t true….they should live in my heart sometime and hear the screams of agony she lets out when they say good-bye.

I am very patient, and I am very kind.  I realize that I cannot be the center of anyone’s world, that each person has their own life to live and that others are just annoyances to some degree; tell us what to do, who to see, who is good, who is bad and what we should do.  Those people annoy me, yes.  Unless you are running my business or we are married you have no right to tell me what I should or should not be doing with my life, love or otherwise.

When I give my time to you it’s a gift.  I’m a busy person too.  When I can take out time to text or call I will certainly do that.  But when I need radio silence, I expect to be given that space to take care of things.  It’s the same with everyone.

I had my heart a bit tattered up recently.  I never saw it coming, but I did sense when the change started.  Things were so good for so long, we talked, laughed, exchanged photos and videos,  and talked some more.  Then it felt like other people suddenly were twittering at my love from other angles, and it caused our conversations to change fairly drastically.  It made the other person question all they were doing when it came to me.  And these other people…they do not even know me.  But my love had gotten to know me pretty good…I spent a good amount of time making sure of that, and getting to know her as well.   Yet finally in the end I had to come off as a total asshole so she would move on with her life and go be happy.  I didn’t want to do that at all, but I had to lie and make her think I was just a bad decision because I could not — and would not — compete with her inside influences that were right there with her trying to get her to forget me and move her needs over to them.  Fucked up how that works.  I was forced to tell her lies to make her think I was a complete jack ass.  Something I didn’t want to do at all.  But I could feel her waffling there, undecided as to what she should do about her new found possible love interest and her feelings for me.  I personally have been in this situation before, and it never ends well for anyone concerned.   I bit the bullet, and took the fall.  I did it for her.  She was far too confused over what everyone else was feeding her, and less and less trusting of what I would tell her from my heart.  How does one defend themselves in that situation?  You cannot.

I realize that I am not the be all or end all for anyone.  I only have myself to offer, but I can offer a good, kind, responsible and honorable self   All I want is someone to care for me; to value me and to accept my care and value in return.  It’s not a one way street….the feelings have to be allowed to flow in both directions and both parties need to love themselves enough to accept love from another person.

I’m a gentle soul.  I mean no harm to anyone.  I live a very peaceful life, striving to keep learning all the time.  Striving to continually understand myself and the world around me.  I haven’t had it easy, no on has.  Everyone is fighting their own battles in life. I understand this and thus I always try to remember that when I think I’ve got it bad, because I really don’t, there are far more who are far worse off.  But with my gentle ways and my loving soul one day I will be able to make that one person feel very much special and loved in this world.

One day I will face the person who is meant to complete my world.  Wherever she may be today, one day we will be face-to-face, holding hands and knowing that we are doing the right things for the right reasons.  Loving will come easy, not forced or hard to handle.  Our days will flow together, no matter how far apart we may sometimes be, we’ll always have each other’s backs and always be there to scare away the boogie men of life for each other.  We’ll look into one another’s eyes and it will be known that we are right for each other.  Perhaps I have already known this person in my life, and she’ll resurface; perhaps it will be someone I have yet to meet who will come in and make me forget the old scars.

Jealousy is a funny beast.  I realize that those who helped drive me away knew if they could fan those seeds of jealousy that it would work to their advantage — whatever that advantage may be, whether if was just for more of her attention or whatever it was –and it did work.  The sad part is that while I could see what was being done, I had no recourse.  I had no way to fight it, because she chose to let their voices and ideas be louder than my own words to her.  Because of close proximity, they had the advantage.  She could not see my upset, my tears, or hear my cries when things started to go downhill.  I had to bear all of that alone, for days on end, alone.  And yes, I was jealous that I could not see her to make her understand how I feel.  And they certainly didn’t give any thought to how I would feel either.  They had their agendas.  All I had was my love and my true word.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Recreational Dating

My partner in Vancouver seems to think I need to do lots of recreational dating right now.  I wish it were that easy!  But living in rural Maine doesn’t exactly make it easy to meet women for casual dating excursions.  I do have a dinner date planned for Monday that I am looking forward to attending.  I’ve been keeping to myself and being too good for far too long, it’s time to stretch my legs a little and see what else is out there.  I have purposefully pushed people away lately, but now I see that that’s not what I should have been doing at all.   It does no harm to get out and meet women and maybe get to know them a little bit, who knows I could find a pretty good one along the way.  So I will try this “recreational dating” thing, and see how it goes.  I’m wicked shy, so it’s going to take quite a lot to get me to do it to start with.

I also can’t wait to see my Vancouver lover in April … hopefully the snow will be gone for that trip to Logan Airport!