What do I want the most right now? A girlfriend. A woman to hold my hand and my heart; someone I can love and cherish.
I just need to take care of my own emotional and physical needs now and dammit, I want a girlfriend. I want someone who wants to be part of my every day; who wants me and likes me a lot more than as just a plain friend. I want someone to love me.
And I want to give love back to her. I want to talk to her about everything in our lives, to be close to her and know everything that she likes, everything that she dislikes, and what she fears and what brings her great happiness and joy. I want to honor her, love her and protect her with all my heart. I just need that kind of connection with another woman so badly, and that’s not even talking about the physical stuff….after I got to know her I would obviously want to be physically intimate as well. I love to make love and to be wholly connected to another woman. I love the smell of her skin, the taste of her kisses, and the feel of her body next to mine, with her relaxed and just enjoying me and her and the moments we have together to be like that.
I want to feel my heart race when she texts me, I want to feel great when we are talking and when we are together. I want to feel secure and settled when we are apart, knowing that when we see each other again it will just be a wonderful thing. I want my eyes to light up like crazy when I see her beautiful face.
I know this is just a dream for me right now. Someday that woman will walk into my life and take my hand into hers and I will know that it’s right, it will FEEL right and I will know that I am home. She will feel like home to me.
It’s not so hard really, love is easy when you let it in and treat it right – like it’s super special and has to be protected against all that would hurt it. You have to nurture love, feed it and water it daily. But with dedication, devotion, loyalty and trust two people can really put together a safe space for both to flourish and grow. I want this so so so badly. And it’s just time for me to stop being so foolish with my time and start to open my heart more so that she can find me when she’s ready for me.
Sounds hinky huh? Yeah, I think so too. But dammit it’s true as hell. I am a good damned Butch, but I just haven’t met the right woman yet. She’s out there, everyone tells me so. And I’m a good person, with a kind, nurturing and supportive personality. I can be quite funny, serious when necessary and I’m very laid back, relaxed and I want to just live a peaceful life and have a good solid love in it.
I do come with some complications, but nothing that can’t be worked around, and I expect that at my age I will encounter women who have seen their fair share of life as well. Dating after 40 is no picnic, but it’s something many of us seek to do. I just refuse to do the bar scene, and prefer online meetings at first, then in person after we have gotten to know one another a bit.
On a side note….I recently also mentioned the poly-amourous lifestyle….it continues to roll around in my head. Would it be easier to just have basic friendships, that come with benefits of physical interactions. But that seems difficult in itself. I’m more of a monogamous soul, I would rather have one very special girl in my life if possible. Poly is great when you’re younger I think, maybe I’m wrong, but at 53 I think it might be more difficult for me not to cop feelings for someone when I am not supposed to let that happen. I am a very passionate person, and I can also be a little jealous…so poly probably just isn’t going to fit into the equation for me in the long run.