Solitary Christmas

What is it about Butches and being solitary creatures. Even myself, I am just this solitary entity, lives alone and chooses to be alone most of the time out of sheer comfort of not having to deal with the world and all the bullshit that goes along with pulling one’s boots on and walking out that door. I need a good dose of Butch comraderie, bonding some kind of interaction with my own people would be really well received right about now.

It’s 2 days before Christmas. I’m a bit sullen. I realize once again in these recent years I will basically spend Christmas alone. I mean I can go to family’s houses, I can visit relatives and eat dinner with my parents and siblings – and their significant others. That’s the problem, I haven’t had anyone that I could personally share a holiday of any kind with in a very long time. I am surrounded by bodies, but still lonely in my heart. And it makes me wonder what I am doing so fucking wrong. People say, oh you could have had someone with you…and while I know they are right I also know it’s not who I wish so hard that I could have had with me through these special holidays.

I try not to get too excited about Christmas or New Years’ anymore, and its really because of this being alone thing. There’s just no one close to me enough here that I want to celebrate with, spend time with and be Christmas cheery with. The young lady that I wish was here with me is with her family on the other side of the ocean, and I hope she’s having a good time, I really do.

Family is really important during the holidays. But there comes a time when you sort of want your own piece of the family unit. One that is you and your partner and then who you choose to share your holiday cheer with from there is up to the two of you. I hate that there is the expectation that we have to got to our respective nuclear family abodes for holiday gatherings. I guess it’s just tradition.

My Christmas has been pretty much the same the last few years of me being alone. I spend the night at my parents home, we get up and have breakfast, open presents and then get ready for the day. Often we go visiting to my other sibling’s homes – they all have children, and I do not – makes it easier on them if the kids don’t have to travel. I’m sure those while small children – hell even medium ones – can understand what I am saying here. Kids want to stay home and play with their new Christmas loot. This year I am staying home by myself on Christmas eve….this is a first for me in many years. I am not sure how I exactly feel about this right now. It’s just setting in, as I just got the news. I was expecting to be at my parents as usual, but Christmas seems to be changed up this year and all my siblings, save 1 sister, will be at my parents for dinner on Christmas day and then we are all going to open presents there after dinner…..This is totally backwards to what I have always known and done.

I’m not so sure I like the change. It would help me forget that I am desitined it seems sometimes to ride on as the lone fuckin ranger. I’m so tired of it it’s not even funny.

I spend quite a lot of great time Skyping with my mushball friend in Spain….she’s got me really captured for sure. I’d do about anything to get her to come visit. If it wasn’t for us staying in close touch with Whatsapp and Skype I’d never had had the oppotuatunity to get to know this awesome woman. The more I know her, the more we laugh and talk about silly stuff, or serious stuff the more I fall for her. She’s very special to me, and I hope we hang out together for a good long time. I look at here and I can really get lost in her, and her voice calms me so much…yeah, I like her one hell of a lot.

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