It’s absolutely pouring rain here again today. The temperature is so low that the rain is turning to ice, so everything is covered in a coat of sparkly ice. The roads are ice, the walks are ice and Nola skates out to the yard to do her business. It’s a Nor’Easter as we call it, a big storm…either rain and wind, snow, rain, and wind or some wild combination of both with very high tides along the shore line and sometimes even thunder and lightening. I really dislike this weather, I dislike winter, snow sucks and rain is irritating. I want to be outside, in the sunshine and warmer temperatures. I didn’t plan to be here this winter, and now I am. It sucks. Next year I must find a way to be elsewhere, I just must.
I’ve been sitting with the end of year thoughts. I’ve done a lot of writing this year. But I haven’t pursued much publication, and I need to be going after more of that…especially if I am going to move to Belize and write for the rest of my life – while I raise goats of course. (just my dream, that’s all)
I’ve had a pretty damned good year all considered. I can’t complain, and it would do me no good to do so. I’ve met some great people, had some fun, had some trying times, had my top surgery done in August, found more of a voice in blogging, changed some opinions, felt great health wise all year, met a great woman that I enjoy and have not had to attend a funeral in 2014…yes, it’s been a really good year for me. I hope that 2015 is even better!
I am hating my job. Plain and simple, it just sucks. AND I am working with some homophobes, which doesn’t help me one bit…someone who is not used to dealing with homophobic assholes asked me “how do you know?”…eh. I know because of the way I’m treated. I see it in their eyes, the way they won’t look at me or make eye contact, the way that when I speak to them they act like they don’t hear me; that I don’t exist in their space. These dudes completely ignore me at work, work around me and never engage me in one word of conversation – about work or other wise. They go out of their way to avoid me, and all contact with me…and for no good reason. It’s been like this since the day I started there, so nothing has happened that made them dislike me, it’s just my Butch presentation and my being perceived as a threat for some reason to them. So I am getting out of that job. As soon as possible. I’ve been online searching out other jobs today. I am coming to a realization that I may not be able to stay here in this area eventually, that I may need to move in closer to one of the cities like Portland, Boston, or Manchester to have a better job pool to find work in. It doesn’t help that I am self-taught at about everything that I can do. I have no college education, I have 6 years of Army background in that spot in my life. Some chose college, I unfortunately didn’t. In hindsight I wish I had had the opportunity to attend college instead of going straight into the full time world of working, then entering the Army in Sept. of 1980 as all my friends scooted off to college dorms and eating pizza while I was surviving on C-rations and living in a fucking trench. I wouldn’t give up that experience, or the knowledge that I gained in survival and defense. But had I been smarter I would have attended college after the stint in the Army…but I was too busy ripping up the world by then. And I got into a business that I thrived in for over 20 years, so it was all good. I wish I could find another position where I could be as happy as I was in that job. Fuck. It sucks getting old and forgetting to make a plan.
So I am going to apply for a couple of jobs that I know I don’t have the qualifications for, but that I know I can also do no problem. It will be convincing the employers to take a chance, and hope they don’t get a lot of other more qualified candidates. I have to say right now there are a lot of open jobs here and not alot of applicants. I’ve managed to get hired on the first interview at the last 3 jobs that I’ve had since I came back here 3+ years ago. The problem with all 3 has been the physical challenge of standing on concrete floors for up to 9 hours a day, without sitting down….my feet and lower back are just too trashed from my service in the Army to take the long-term beating of working in that situation. This, along with the homophobic shit, is going to end as soon as I can do it.
As I lament about my stupid job, I am just fine otherwise….everything just keeps going round, and round….