Let’s chance writing directly in WordPress today…I am feeling daring and will take my chances that this post won’t be lost in cyberspace and that I’m not furiously typing for naught. It’s a dreary Maine day…a December dreary day, it’s sort of rain-snowing outside, I think we call that sleet…and icicles are hanging off of everything; yes it’s all covered in a layer about 1/4″ thick of ice…this is Maine in winter. There will also be tons more snow…we’ve already had a few storms, and the lat one dropped a good 10 inches on the ground, although most of that is gone now due to melt off and settling. The ground is still basically covered, but it’s not frozen real deep because it snowed before the deep freezing temperatures set it and the snow acts as an insulator, that’ why one would build a snowcave to survive in an avalanche, to stay warm. It’s counter intuitive like most everything else in life.
I do things that are counter intuitive all the time myself. Yesterday I got angry over stupid shit and wrote about my anger and today I am just fine. In thinking about it in hind sight, which I wish we could all do prior to getting pissed off or angry about anything; prior to making assumptions and jumping to conclusions, so we would avoid the irritation of arguing with those we love and care for. I upset my Mushball and that wasn’t good…so in doing that I had double grief because I was mad at myself for upsetting her, and a little mad at her for not giving me a few minutes to explain myself before she got so upset and angry herself. Isn’t that how silly arguments kind of go? Especially when we know it was preventable, or when it’s just unexpected (as this was for me)
I’m seeing someone who is very sensitive to my writing. And I should be more aware of how my words can be taken than I have been up to now. I write sometimes from an angle of being single, when that’s not the case at all. Sure, I live alone, but that doesn’t mean I am single or available to date. I have a great connection with a woman that I am very very into and it’s awesome, she and I have spent a lot of time talking and Skyping online, which is great and makes my days so much better. I really like her, her personality, her sensitive side, the fact that she’s dreamy to look at and laugh with every day makes her very important to me. I don’t want to lose her from my life, and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep that from happening.
Yesterday I thought she was going to ban me for sure, but I think we have determined that neither of us wants that to happen, we really enjoy each other and that’s more important and not something I am wanting to lose. After I calmed myself down and put a lot of thought into what I had done, I realized how and why she was upset about it. I wouldn’t want the situation reversed for sure, so I understand her reaction. I’ve been trying to gently keep us talking, so that we can talk this out and so that she understands that I am not just going to disappear or walk away from this without a fight — meaning I will work my ass off to make things right. I believe that when two people are together that there are going to be disagreements, but if the relationship is good then it’s worth fighting for, and I will fight not to lose her with all I have got. She and I have a great time talking and laughing together, and I so enjoy her every minute I can spend with her on Skype, etc. And I’ve been trying to not make those old same classic mistakes in this relationship; to not just get discouraged with some simple fight over a misunderstanding of words. My blogging / vlogging has caused issues in past relationships as well, it’s difficult to maneuver being an online blogger/vlogger and having a personal life that is not part of what you write about. I’ve been trying to keep the two separated, but it’s virtually impossible when what I write about is basically what is interesting to me and what is going on in my life and my community.
Sometimes I write about topics or issues, like Butch Bonding or marriage equality (actually I haven’t expressed my real views on that here yet…because they may not be 100% PC. ) Sometimes I write about life and when I do that I try to dance around my romantic life completely. That’s sometimes really difficult to do without making your partner feel either invisible or bad in some way. By writing from a single angle I thought that I could spare the details of my personal life, but it has backfired and not been a good thing actually. I never want to hurt her again in this way, or any way for that matter, thus I won’t be writing from that perspective any longer. What we have is really great and I don’t want to wreck it.
My Mushball is the sweetest. She’s just awesome and I adore her. Yes, we met online and have been talking daily and Skyping quite often ever since we met. She makes my days so much better in so many ways, I love that she is always there when I text. She says she’s very shy, but that’s okay with me, and we have gotten to know one another so she’s not so much like that with me. I can be shy too, which I am trying so hard not to be, and my shyness manifests differently from other people’s shyness, we all have our unique signatures and ways of being. I tend to get shy on various topics, and I am pretty shy in meeting new people generally; to the point of being over-cautious at times. I’ve tried to be very gentle in my interactions with her, and not be abrasive…which I can certainly be sometimes. I don’t want to scare another woman away with her thinking I am just too rough on the edges for her. I am rough on the edges, but that’s just part of what makes me passionate about love and life. I’m actually quite soft on the inside. Mushy brings out a quieter part of me, she’s had a great effect on me in that manner. I find myself feeling very upbeat most of the time – because I am thinking about her…
I realize that I am someone who’s kind of set in my ways, and that I’ve had experiences that have molded who I am today. Some good and some not so good, but fair. I have to say that in relationships I haven’t had any super bad experiences. You meet a person on the level that they are comfortable with, and you start there. I try really hard not to be too over bold or over bearing. I try to give space, and make sure everyone in the scene is comfortable. I like to make a person feel good, and feel confident in themselves so they can relax and we can get to know one another better in a more relaxed way. I am pretty confident in myself, and I like that in other people. Sometimes we are more comfortable with work than we are with socializing, and that’s fine, you use the skills you got in the context at hand. It usually works out.
My hair is getting really long. I’m not sure what to do with it at this point. I can spike it with gel, but I hate the feel of the gel in my hair at the end of the day…I know…shower…gotcha. Every winter it seems that I try to grow it out to some extent, when usually I keep it the low Butch cut of a #3 on top and a #1.5 on the sides and back…it’s just easy and very clean looking. Speaking of which, I am still planning to attend barbering school…I have this vision of a nice barbershop in my head, with a diverse clientelle of masculine identified women and men. Hell I even have the name picked out…I know I need to do schooling, get good at the craft, get some practical experience for a few years first and then I can dream bigger.
I’m really thinking it is time for me to find some other employment. I’m hating the job at the big-box home improvement retailer…the boss has it in for me for some reason, he’s been riding my ass bad lately. And I work with 3 homophobes that drive me nuts with their ignorance. Thus I am going to start poking around to see what else is out there. It’s not fun looking for a job as you get older. It becomes a little harder to convince employers to hire you even thought I can work circles around most any kid. I don’t care what the job entails, I am a really easy, fast learner and I have good business sense from years of running my own companies. I would go back into business myself if I seriously had the money and the where-with-all to start up again. I just don’t know that I do have it anymore…I’m a little burned out on the business world. I did that tour, and I had a lot of fun those years of running the pool & spa company, closet company and water treatment system company…but now I would do something totally different, like sell and install aquariums or something like that. Something crazy, and risky. Because if you are going to do it, do it big or go home. There is risk in everything we do, it’s just if we are willing to take that risk, and knowing that we are aware of it when going into whatever it may be, from relationships to business ventures, everything is risky in some way or another.
So that’s my blog for today….I’ll stop here and get some sleep…I have a Skype date early in the morning and I don’t want to miss it 🙂 Peace! ~MB